Preparing for Uni in 2015 continues...

[Chillywhippet]

New thread

Old one here with loads of info

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/2408327-Preparing-for-Uni-in-2015

So sorry Figment

Really sorry to hear that Figment. Please don't feel bad about how you are feeling - it is completely understandable that you want to be there for your daughter at the moment. You are being pulled in two different directions which is awful.

Figment I think exactly the same as MrsB. Both my parents have died; I understand just how you feel - admire your honesty too.

figment gosh what a turmoil to be in - can't even begin to imagine how you would make a choice. Is Monday the only day your daughter can start? Can she have a delayed start so they you can be the one who drops her off? Make a list of the things your daughter can do whilst you are with your mum and get doing those - sending hugs your way xxx

Figment I'm sorry to hear about your mum. What an emotional time for you right now. There is nothing wrong with not being with your mum on Monday, or with your family if she has passed. Of course you want to take your dd and see her settled in so if that's what you want to do, it's fine.

Regading the packing, all she needs is enough to see her through the first two or three weeks and then, hopefully, you will be able to take down anything else she needs. I'm sure a treat box will be appreciated as a late gift, just as much as an early one (maybe even more so once the novelty of freshers has died down).

Is there anyone else who could do a bit of shopping for you over the weekend if you give them a list? Ask you friends. I would be more than happy to help my friends out at a time like this.

What last minute things do you need help with? Your dd can sort most of them out herself. Hope you mange to get some sleep, take care x

Hi Figment
Sorry to hear about your Mum.
I agree with Figment - we all want to provide the perfect send off for our DCs - but they and others can pack/shop, university towns have shops too, and you can visit on another day. On the other hand, if you are visiting your Mum in her last days, it is up to you whether you need to be there at the moment of death. Your family are more likely to need your support later.
You can't do both, so decide what is most important to you and don't feel guilty.

So sorry figment- what a horrible time for you all

Figment - awful choice for you to make but I agree with Seimum, you shouldn't feel guilty whatever you choose to do. There is no right or wrong decision here. If I was you I'd be inclined to go with my daughter but of course much depends on what other close relatives your mum has with her and how conscious she is.

My DM clearly doesn't have much longer and FIL has just received a terminal diagnosis, so I do sympathise with the 'not now' way of thinking!

Our children need to know that they feel loved and supported by their families as they move on to the next stage. Knowing this doesn't really depend on being accompanied to buy minor toiletries, or on surprise gifts over the next day or so. It will have been evident over the last few weeks, and the sense of involvement will continue over the coming months.

Universities too will be doing their utmost to help young people settle in and feel looked after.

I suppose the end of life varies so much person to person. It can involve a shutting down/withdrawal by the elderly person- rather than being a time for significant exchanges.

There's also the question of the role played by other family members. Fathers can - and perhaps should - step up their involvement at times when their partners have a lot to do.

Hope all goes as well as it possibly can.

figment so sorry to hear about your situation. These things do seem to have a habit of coming at the wrong time - but then there's never a good time either. A couple of years ago, I had a situation where my DF died suddenly (no option of being there) and then my DD took seriously ill and was in hospital and needed someone with her 24/7. So I was trying to support my DM 80 miles away and be there for my own DD. It is hard, but you can only be in one place at a time. Everything that needs to be done will get done, somehow,someway. Your DD will understand that - and they have shops near Uni, so whatever she doesn't manage to get before she leaves she can get there. Is there someone else who can take her if you are not available? I know it's not how you want it to be, but circumstances dictated that I couldn't go with my DS to Uni - DH had to take him - and to be honest they managed fine.
We all like to make things perfect and easy for out DCs but life isn't perfect and has a knack of putting a spanner in the works when we least need it.
Do what is best for you and your family and what feels right and my best piece of advice is take care of yourself too and don't make too many demands on yourself - I put myself under a terific amount of stress trying to do it all and it came back to bite me on the bum a few months later when my own mental health started to suffer.

Figment it occurs to me that since parents aren't encouraged to hang around once they've done the lugging, and the students usually have a meeting no later than 5pm, your DD may well actually prefer to see you in a couple of weeks when she's under less pressure to shoot off/ meet people and you're less distracted.

Also, if you give the college a ring and explain the situation I'm sure they'd be fine with you bringing your DD early, tomorrow or Sunday, since that's when the internationals will arrive so it would really be no bother. The fresher helpers will all be there be then to help, so it might be quite a good option - she'd have longer to settle in before the hordes arrive on Monday.

I also expect your mum would understand if you decide to take your DD on Monday. She might actually prefer you did. I suspect both of my parents would have said no don't come - go with DD.

A horrible situation - I hope it works out as best it can.

Thanks for all your kind wishes everyone. I'll be at the home soon and then it may be easier to decide what to do for the best.

So sorry to hear about your mum figment, I have no wise words I'm afraid.

work in progress

I see Ikea bags are being put to good use marianne. We bought 5 off e-bay just to loads DS's stuff into as they are so strong.

Figment, so very sorry about your mum, and the dilemma you face.

Figment so sorry to hear about your Mum. It is a truly horrible time, and, as you say, badly timed. My Mum died during DD1's GCSEs and it was so stressful sorting the funeral Anne getting DD to exams in a different town. [hugs]

IKEA BAGS. How many of us used these??

So sorry to hear your news, figment.
**
DD texted today to say her BF has dumped her. They were only together a few months and have gone to different unis with a HUGE distance. They'd very sensibly planned to stay together until xmas and then reevaluate whether it could work. 10 days in, he's called it off.

figment

Sorry to hear your sad news Figmant

Hope your DD is ok Sugar

House feels empty tonight, DH is away with work and DS is in his room playing on the xbox. DD has messaged saying she has had a headache all day, I think all the information talks and socialising has caught up with her after just a few days.

Sorry to hear about your mum figment.
Very difficult to know what to do, in the end it has to be what feels right for you at the time. Take lots of care.

Quietly yep had a fair few of DDs bits on IKEA bags. And left her with a few to use as laundry bags.