DS/DD off to Uni? - Empty nest support thread

[rustybear]

DS is off to Warwick in October - anyone else feeling old? Or are there any old hands with advice ?

It went well I think thanks yellow, but almost 6hrs drive round trip for me so I'm a bit tired. Ds's room is lovely and sunny with a nice view of the front quad. It's ensuite and not vast but not tiny either (he could just about fit his digital piano and cello into it along with all the usual stuff). I had to go fairly swiftly after unloading since there was no parking available except for unloading. I think he had most of the essentials, but he wants me to find and post a camera-computer cable and he will need to buy an electricity extension block which he also forgot to take. Probably a few other things too, but that was all that was noticed by the time I left.

I have to say the house feels very strange tonight though with just me, dh and dd. Even though it was exactly the same last week when he was away it just does feel different, so I completely see what outtolunchagain means. I suppose we'll get used to it eventually though.

Not shared + front quad + en-suite!: that's exceptionally good!! These long round trips are harsh, I was done for last night. Unfortunately the smallest DD threw up with a tummy bug literally as I re-entered the door, squinty eyed from driving down the A road several hundred miles in the dark. That was bad. I found a parking meter near to DS's place by massive good chance and nearly conked out on his bed, having made the ascent to his room (they must have had mountain goat-like students in Tudor times). I sent him off to meet new people in the JCR and stayed for 20 minutes on his bed before peeling myself up and off. The college offered parents a cup of tea which was nice but once the students are there they obviously want to pack the parents off pretty fast. Traffic wardens were having a field day. My house feels very quite too, though I've still got four. Funny feeling for sure.

I meant quiet, not quite.

quite quiet is a good description of our house tonight!

Hello yellow! So your DS made it then, great news! Have you got a ucas break this year or are the younger members applying? Your DS might get a shock because his student life will be nothing like his sisters. He might need tlc and reassurance from you in a fortnight.

DD's house is a lovely Edwardian place with large bright rooms in a nice safe and pleasant area. She has fallen on her feet as some of the other houses are terrible apparently. Nice housemates too.
DS on the other hand is shlepping it in yet another ghastly place deemed suitable for London students, though a better area this time. The one good thing is that one of his current flatmates is a medical student so now DS realises that some people work when at university. No bad thing.

My home is looking shabby, a bit like an overgrown but cleaner student house. I think I might redecorate just to prove I have progressed beyond my twenties, but also so they have a wonderful homecoming at Christmas.

Thank you everyone for the reassuring words , really don't know what has got into me .
Glad to hear everyone's dc have gone off OK

Hello funny :) Yes I have a ucas break! (very welcome). Don't worry, DS and I walked around the back of the Parks in the morning and I dampened his spirits no end by saying how vast and unmanageable his workload will be etc. etc. Then, buoyed up by the delivery of this gloomy speech, I dealt out a second and a third speech to the DDs who we met for lunch - so, plenty of unwelcome and pious advice! No-one will have listened of course.

Glad to hear your DD's house seems so good. DD2 was very happy living in hers and is still the best of friends with her housemates (definitely not always the case), but it was pretty awful in terms of shabbiness/ paint colour/ lethal ovens/ blocked loos etc. I do hope your DD has another really good year.

My house is seriously peeling as well. I'd love to give it a lick of paint but I expect you have to have a real talent - I'm sure I'd make it look worse.

Goodness yellowtip I didn't think you were the speechy sort! You always seemed so laid back! So what advice did you give them? Maybe I need a few sensible words to pass on. It must be such a relief for you not to have to go through the uncertainty again this year.

Loos work in DD's house. House is magnolia: newly painted. Fireplaces are blocked off though which is a shame as there is one in every room, still with the original gorgeous tiles.

I have ordered wallpaper samples and paint colour cards. The electrician has been called in to sort out the lighting. I have no talent, but no talent for interior decoration, but I am thinking to introduce some colour and some pattern, most likely William Morris, to cheer everyone up at Christmas. The rationale is that it is better to deprive DC of designer clothing funds than to have a shabby home forever.

Missing my DS very very much and trying not to worry about him.

But your DS is quite near to home, no? Can't you nip down to his house guilelessly, with a basket of clean socks or fresh fruit? Once a week or so?

I'm a complete Eeyore funny. What I said to DS1 was that even though he's been so steady at working he may well find he's met his match with Oxford medicine. I said he's bound to find ludicrously clever people and not to be fazed. And that at a place like Oxford it's really important not to judge too quickly on looks. To DD2 I said eat well and look after yourself, spend a minimum of £400 of your money on new clothes and shoes (especially shoes - she has one dissolved pair of shoes) and not to go all out for a First, it's not worth it. To DD3 I said smoke less, shop less and work more or you'll regret not fulfilling your promise.

Oh yellowtip I couldn't possibly nip down and see DS weekly, he would have a blue fit. Its bad enough trying to have a telephone conversation with him without him accusing me of stalking. At least we are facebook friends and I can send him a cheesy message every day. He once told me he always reads them. I cant see his posts because he has put me on a limited viewing thingy but i'm fine with that.
Interesting advice to your DC. Nice to hear it though. I bet they love you to bits.

I like how they all got advice tailored to them yellow, you seem very wise. I just told ds to have fun & beetled off, but probably should have given him the don't get fazed if everyone seems is brighter than you speech too with hindsight.

On the plus side I did get a very succinct email from him today. It said: Oxford is very nice and his college has installed a fridge in his room. I'm hoping that means he's settling OK and won't be racing home by the weekend having had enough already.

Was the £400 per term or per year?
Is a first not worth it? Are they (firsts) predictable?

I'm always advising my DC. I don't call it a speech though, I call it guidance. DS has informed me that he doesn't want to be guided. DD says she loves it but that I don't always know what I am talking about.

I am so proud of them both, its not possible to describe.

Not in the least gelo, just better at dishing it out now in my dotage than I was at acting on my own parents advice. I ignored them almost always just as mine ignore me.

£400 right now funny is what I meant. Her clothes are in tatters. She doesn't spend nearly enough. I've no idea how the spending habits of three sisters can be so radically different. She's hugely generous as well, just too frugal when it comes to herself. As for Firsts, I think they're great if they happen along but I'd rather it was a by-product of DD2's university life rather than an all-consuming focus. She seems to be predicted one by her tutors but isn't always great at exams and I'd rather say it's not a big deal now if she doesn't get one than say it later, because she'll be less inclined to believe me. I'd love her to do well in her Finals but largely because she'd like to for herself; her ability to think will be unaffected by whether or not she gets an average of 69 or an average of 70. Hers is a subject where they do all the exams at the end of the third year - DD1 was the same. Just horrible.

Eve of DC leaving for university. Yes, I know, it seems weeks after everyone else. Cases packed, boxes already in the car for the early start. It's seeing the bare wall where the posters were that brought a lump to my throat just now. However, reading this old Mumsnet thread is a comfort.

Is your DC a first year red?

Good luck red fuschia ! Good luck for your DC and for you!

yellowtip hmmm. I have the problem that when I am calm, all the other relatives ring me up and ask me how the DD are doing and to helpfully let me know that the job market and post grad market is terrible and its very important that my DC get firsts. I don't know whats happened to the world- it was never so pressured when I was young and we all did absolutely fine.

DS has asked me to get him a slow cooker. I am told it is good for cooking lentils. And a microwave- the kitchen doesn't have one. Thats another thing. In my day we had everyone else's cast off pots and pans and things to take and very much made do. Some one with new stuff would have been thought very peculiar or, worse, nouveau.

Yellowtip Yes, a first year - so my first experience of this. Think my usually stoic husband is feeling sad tonight too. It will hit us more in a week or two when it sinks in that DC's absence isn't due to a school trip or a holiday.

But red it's so late to go off! You probably don't want to say where to - but in the UK? I'm finding it ridiculously quiet in the house. So little cooking, so little looking after stuff to do. It's lovely really, such a break.

funny I just can't get my head around pressurising mine to get Firsts. I sort of take the view that a 2.1 from a decent university is still bloody good. The detractors annoy me.

I think the reason I miss my son is that dd talks on the phone so much I know what she is upto but DS only says 4-5 words or so on the phone whereas when he is in the house I know he is there and can cook for him and play table tennis with him and suchlike.
Also I cant help wondering where the years of childhood went and that it was all too serious and homework driven and how I wish I had just gone on country walks with them or watched telly together and not bothered with all those endless extracurricular activities. Oh well the house is blissfully peaceful actually. Not having their washing up to do is heaven.

Same funny (well, could do with revamping the childhoods because I could have done better, though we did get country walks and didn't mainline on homework, but I fell short on other stuff).

Mine are all so different about keeping in touch. In retrospect it was all so easy when they were lined up in their cots. I had a lovely phone call last night from DS - he at least sounds just fine.

A couple of ds's friends start this weekend yellow at the same well regarded UK institution. There seems to be a huge variation in start dates.

fuscia it is an odd feeling isn't it? I'm sure we'll get used to it though. We wouldn't really want them to stay at home for ever after all.

DD1 is on the next stage and is tonight moving in to a shared flat in London (with two university friends, and a university boyfriend helping effect the move). I'm packing up a starter food box with bits and pieces and a few new fluffy towels. Her university duvet is currently churning around in the washing machine on the hottest wash ever, having summered unnoticed in a box. Marmite, jam, McVities, Crunchy Nut Cornlakes, risotto rice, pasta, sauces, Red Sky crisps, wine, shower gel, fruit and veg, parmesan, stilton, cheddar, chutney, tea, coffee, bread, crumpets - not sure what I've missed.

I find it hard to believe mine are where I was not so long ago.

yelo must be the same well regarded institution 'up north' as everyone else started weeks ago! Yes, we'll settle into a new routine at home. We would be wondering what had gone wrong if they weren't eager to fly the nest. That's what I keep telling myself.

gelo even. Ha! Typing Spoonerism.

Have just got back from a weeks break, hope your all coping ok. Whilst away I have had DS bedroom painted, it looks like brand new, and is finally clean. I have been careful not to change things, just freshen it up and put everything back where it was. Looks great though! DS came home for 1 night last week whilst I was away (to go to a gig), he left the shower running, wet towel on the bed and bedroom curtains closed. Its funny but its helped me put everything into context, I still miss him (but not his mess), and am relieved that tomorrow his course finally starts. We are all in the same boat, mumsnet has been a great source of comfort.