DS/DD off to Uni? - Empty nest support thread

[rustybear]

DS is off to Warwick in October - anyone else feeling old? Or are there any old hands with advice ?

Just discovered this thread and could have done with it over the past while. My youngest dc left home last month for uni and the house is so empty.

Yes I am so proud that they turned out so well and are independent and off into the world exactly as I dreamed they would when they were born. And I am so thankful that they are doing well away from me.
But...........the house is silent. It stays clean! No one calls to the door much (they have lots of friends in the neighborhood and drop in and out of each others homes). But most of all, my 3 dc are, along with dh, the people I love most in the world, and who's company I enjoy most. And so I miss them and want them here to enjoy. It's all gone so bloody fast, and I didn't realise how very fast it would seem in hindsight! 22 years of motherhood seemed forever when it started, but now seems so quick.

Caved in under family pressure and took new microwave (puts us firmly in the nouveau bracket), clean boxer shorts, wall calender, rice cooker and granny to see DS. His kitchen cupboard has overflowed with the very big shop we did: pickled eggs, pickled onions, chutneys, sauces, pasta, lentils, samosas of course. Lots of other stuff. He wont go hungry any time soon. He seems to look younger every time I see him.
We chuckled over this
www.tvscoop.tv/2007/07/tv_review_university_challenge_bbc2_monday_16_july_8pm.html

Does this mean that dd1 is doing a postgrad degree in london or a job?

Ha funny. DD1 is as of this pm now ensconced in SW London with a large box of store cupboard goodies. Sour cream crisps and risotto rice and a copy of Mary McCartney's 'Food'. You beat me on the microwave and the granny though :)

I think you beat me on the travel. Am in total awe.

How is everyone finding their empty nest? As there was only DD and I, there is now only me. 3 weeks in and I'm struggling a little. We agreed we won't see each other for 12 weeks until the Christmas break and although I'm incredibly proud and pleased at how well she is settling and fitting in I can tell that she is feeling it abit too.

I am planning on going to visit next spring but distance and finances etc dictate that I cannot go much. Also, I feel that as the focus was on DD last year that I need to focus more on myself, but still .

Tressy Have you got Skype? DD and I sometimes leave it on for hours, it is free. We'll chat whilst making dinner or whatever, come and go. The great thing is that you don't have to cram everything in and it be all meaningful etc. You can just talk inanities and gossip, like you would at home. It helps feel still close. We also send very brief jokey emails, saw this and thought of you type things and she also still sprays my perfume on the stuffed animal she keeps on her bed, something she has done since she was 7 and I was seriously ill. She just rang as well because she eat some off chicken yesterday and is throwing up, she doesn't want to come home or me go there but I think she just wanted the offer! She has lovely flatmates and I could hear them looking after her which was reassuring.

She is going into her third year now and it doesn't really get easier, everytime she goes off it still leaves a big hole in our lives, although also a relief I will no longer be lying awake until 4am worrying she is not home!! However after the first frenetic weeks their social lives at uni do settle down. I can see you want to give her space to make her new life but it is perfectly usual for them to come home / to meet up/ you visit for a day even if just for lunch, during termtime surely you can get deals on train or coach fares? DD and her friends often visit each others unis by coach at weekends and fares anywhere are only around £20. Does your DD get a reading week? Most go off then anyway, home or to visit each other. A few of DDs friends are abroad this year so she is off to Paris, Prague and St Petersburg in November all on v. budget airlines!

We do meet just for lunch sometimes, living on a tight budget she appreciates the treat of going to our favourite restaurants and then getting stocked up at ethnic supermarkets (we lived overseas when she was young).

I am going to be a total wreck when DD2 goes off as well and she will probably be a lot further away, but I don't think it will be overly clucky to not leave it as long as 12 weeks for a trip there or her to come home ...

We have skype but it freezes and I end up shouting, can you hear me over and over again and she can so it gets frustrating, so we phone instead.

The cheapest train route is over 8 hours and fastest is 6 one way. We did it for interview and for open day with just one overnight stay and it was shattering so I would need accommodation for a least a couple of nights. I did go with her to settle her in which was only 3 weeks ago and we knew it might be hard. She's coping really well but I get a bit tearful even typing this.

Will plan better in future and visit in the middle of terms so it's not so long.

Tressy That is a long way. I did that to my parents, in fact the cheaper slow train crawled up the country for 12 hours!! It was a bit of a party at end of term because it called at just about every uni city as it went! They used to make a weekend of it for visits too.

Shame Skype doesn't work for you? I cottoned on to the idea of just leaving it on in the background as you both get on with cooking (me )getting ready to go out (her) it because friends overseas have been using to keep in touch with DCs at school here etc. and it only freezes occasionally for us. We have bought her an iPad too (DH and his boys toys ) so now use Facetime sometimes too, that disconnects if you move around too much but works fine if you are in one place.

She'll be back before you know it. It is always difficult at this time of year anyway, sliding into winter. It's a bit of a rollercoaster them going and coming and going but I do think myself lucky that she is at least in the same country and home for nearly half the year. I have friends overseas whose DCs are thousands of miles away and doing medicine so limited chances to return for holidays. I strongly believe that it is always good to remind yourself that there is someone who is worse off...

Yes, at least she is in the same country and not overseas. If I don't go with her at the start in future it will be 6 weeks. So this is the longest, just need to remind each other of this. Big celebration meal out in December to look forward to .

And they do so appreciate you, and your cooking, and your fridge when they come back! When you wave them off to uni you do wave off for good the tantrums and flouncing of their teens.....

Not sure about that Copthallresident we had plenty of flouncing and tantrums over the summer although the "free food" is certainly appreciated .

Found MN this week. Really great to find so many likeminded peeps. This thread is great as my youngest (of 4) went off 4 weeks ago and I miss her like hell. The others went to Uni no probs, didnt miss them at all as i was so busy at home. Yes one came bk and still living at home, but I call him the "ghost in the attic". We never see him, not even at meal times and its been three years since his return from Uni.

I am not allowed to be friends on FB can only message her via same, dont even think abt Skype! Not allowed to call - only send txts. Dont even think about visiting!

I gave up work to be with my youngest when she was 5, so we became very close. Our home was filled with her friends, we never knew how many would rock up for breakfst on Sunday mornings. I miss them all. I know she is capable, confident (she has travelled round the world on her Gap Year and survived), and already has a job in a bar. Her older siblings were more involved in packing her stuff for her departure than we were! Lots of "you will never use that" and "you must take this". So from that point we were very much in the back seat. Still the empty nest syndrome is real and painful.

The older girls have taken me out to lunch, dinner and stuff but every day I miss that little girl. Plus she is on a four year course so its going to be a long time before we pack up the van and bring her home.

Finally so you can have a laugh - I am in North London and she is in South London! , but that river between us feels like and Ocean!

Lady, she will be back when she wants to be. I thought her conditions of your contact harsh until I read your last paragraph .

Lady I am sure the time will come very soon when she is susceptible to being lured north of the river by the promise of free food.....

Actually DH is the one who has most missed DD and been worst at breaking the rules. She has now stopped answering his calls, and only answers if I ring! She does however agree to meet him for lunch and a stock up at M&S periodically! He has become very uncharacteristically generous to her with money too which annoys me because the idea is that she lives on her loan and learns the value of money.

Not sure DD will see eating out of my fridge as free food, least I hope not. I expect her to come home fully au fait with the cost of living and knowing that I can just about support myself will be only too willing to help with the food shop . We should manage for holidays but hopefully she will find a summer job when she's home for weeks.

Hugs and washing are free though.

They mean "free" as in they haven't had to trail to the supermarket and buy it themselves.

I know its all silly, but she has allowed all her older siblings to visit. They spoil her rotten with cash and food shopping so she gets all the family news from them. its just us oldies she doesnt want breathing down her neck. I could write a letter I suppose. My parents used to send me letters back in the day.

Maybe she is just worried that as you aren't very far away it will be difficult to feel that she is being independent if she sees/talks to you. Once she realises you aren't going to appear on her doorstep every five minutes she will probably want to get in touch more. Its lovely that she is so close to her siblings though.

Lady, I bet if you give her some time she will call you :). Mine are further away from me, one is 12 hours away and the other at least 7 to 8 hours, both with the sea in between ! My oh is going to see dd tonight but i wont see her for another two weeks which means that I wont have seen her for two months ! I will do an overnight trip to see ds which will be exhausting but worth it. Happy weekend everybody.

lady do you think it is a younger sibling thing? My DD2 looks up to her sister ridiculously, thinks she is the coolest of the cool. And is already envious of her student lifestyle, when we went up to her flat which is actually really grotty, and in a grotty area, she was wanting to move in right now! Perhaps she is finally getting to follow in their footsteps and differentiating herself from you, especially as you say you were close, is part of it. You say she was keen for them to be involved in her packing. I am sure she will start missing you at some point. So many want to reinvent themselves when they go to uni but you can't deny your real feelings forever!

Its was DD1 that held me at arms length when she first went to university - she has always been more dependant on me than her younger siblings and I think she just needed to find her feet on her own first (and realise that it wasn't some sort of weakness to talk to me). DD2 was completely happy to keep in touch from the moment she went away.

My ds1 went 3 weeks ago , hoping to go up and see him when his two younger siblings re on half term. He has not been especially good about keeping in touch but I think webwiz is right about needing to establish their independence . Had a brief conversation earlier this week which felt really nice and he texted me after a seminar to say it had gone well so. I think as he gets more settled communication will improve

Ultimately though this is his new life and he needs to make that break with home, I am ridiculously proud of him and miss his conversation dreadfully but he was ready ; all that stuff about roots and branches really is true

Although there is seven years between her and the nearest sister, and 10 with the eldest, they have always dragged her around wth them from day one! Plus she went occasionally to overnight at the respective Halls when they were at Uni. Its their thing. The older girls are sooo excited that their sister is grown up and at Uni, they treat her more like she is their kid, not kid sister. Plus her brother serviced her bike before she left. Anyhow she txt me that she is going to a local club next wk so can she stay here for the night and may have a couple of mates with her. So really its all good. Just this deathly silence in the house.

OMG OMG!!!
Did I speak too soon. DD1 came home last night with boxes and stuff ina cab, left her boyfriend and has come back home. Talk about boomerang. That one hasnt lived here for yonks. She moved into the empty room whilst we were just sitting glued gobsmacked on the sofa. All she said was I'll be here for a bit!

What to do. Should have got the room rented out much faster methinks.
No matter what happened neither OH or I ever went back to parental home.

What to do.

Crikey Ladyday -just let her be for a while I guess.

I have been lurking on here as my DS (second and last DC) left for uni 2 weeks ago. I've been doing really well as have been very busy but today was quiet and I missed him. I think he's doing the 'needing to separate out and show he's independent' thing and I'm sure that's healthy - but the house is so quiet and boring! A group of mums are going out on Friday to compare notes so I'm looking forward to that. DS has gone to Imperial and is happy there so far. It was all very festive when we took him down which made a good impression, and there have been lots of social events, although I suspect the work-load will pick up now. Its a heavy time-table so at least I feel we're getting good value for the fees.