DS/DD off to Uni? - Empty nest support thread

[rustybear]

DS is off to Warwick in October - anyone else feeling old? Or are there any old hands with advice ?

I know this is mums net but my daughter is off to Uni this Saturday...very proud father...but as my wife has been making all the arrangements it has only just come crashing into my consciousness that my daughter is leaving home, no goodbye kisses in the morning before work , no bickering between son and daughter, no loads of friends round in her bedroom at the weekend getting ready to go out, no good nights (only the odd goodnight kiss these days)...no dropping her off at work on a Saturday, no weekend taxi driving and 2.00am collections fom the nightclub, I am now feeling really low and not sure how to talk about these feelings.
I do my best to be the best dad I can, my son (16) still needs me so I won't fall apart and will put a brave face on for my daughter ... Any advice on how to reconnect with my wife so we can talk about these feelings?

Hi softcentreddad
Firstly well done to your daughter you must be very proud of her.. she sounds lovely. Secondly my son is just starting his second year at uni, so we were in your shoes this time last year.I think its definitely OK to tell your wife and son how you are feeling. Its a good thing really, think how awful it would be if your daughter was leaving for uni and you weren't upset about missing her.

When we were buying all the new stuff to get my son ready for uni it felt exciting, but when he packed up half his room and all his little personal things to take with him it felt so real and we were all a bit thrown. ( not my son but the rest of us!)

If my husband had seemed fine with it, I would have felt very alone and also sad I think, that this big change in our lives didn't seem to be affecting him as much as me. We shared our tearful moments and that made it easier.

We found its the going that is hard, once they have gone and you've heard from them that they are ok and happy we all settled then. His sister missed him as they were very close, but they chatted to each other on skype/ mobiles a lot and she has been to stay with him for the weekend. She was fine when he went back after the Christmas break because she knew their relationship was still important to him.
So I would say no brave face needed, Share your feelings and get support from each other.

Hello, :-)

I have recently joined Mumsnet. I am a mum from Australia with 2 grown up daughters 25 and 29. I went through hell and back when my eldest followed by the youngest (left 2 weeks apart). I have written a Memoir about what I went through, (being a slight basket case) and it has excerpts from a Journal I kept on both of them when I was pregnant also.

Thanks kingprawntikka!
Appreciate the encouragement and will make sure that the family know how I feel...in a good way!
:-)

My youngest is off this weekend. I was fine when the oldest went although admit I sniffled a little at the 'slipping through my fingers' song on a family trip to 'Mamma Mia' and was not in a good state at the end of Toy Story 3. Apart from that was fine. She was happy so we were happy.

Now her sister is heading off and my husband keeps warning everyone that I'm going to find it really difficult. Tbh I think my biggest challenge will be dealing with him. I have lots of interests and activities. He's much more dependent upon interaction with the girls and really missed our oldest when she went. We've got plans for things we like to do but haven't had the chance to do for years, places to go, people to see, plays, films etc. it's not going to be easy but I'm so proud we have launched 2 confident young women into university life and am going to do my best to make the most of the year before the oldest one finishes!

Empty nest here again - took DS3 up to Uni for his 2nd year today

Took DD1 back today so now just have DS(15) at home - he has this face as he is worried that he is going to be the focus of all my love and attention

Oh dear....my no 3 has just gone to university, we dropped her off last weekend, and I am missing her terribly. It's not helped by the fact that her older sister moved away from home in July, and although I still have two boys at home(one just graduated and is suddenly back ) and a fourteen year old, who is just great, I am missing both my daughters very much . Both are doing well and seem happy, which is great, but it is a difficult period of adjustment for us as a family.

Looking forward to Christmas

Said goodbye to number 4 the other day - after 27 years of having children at home - youngest two now both at university. The house seems so quiet - I miss all the guitars and singing as well as all the young men that used to come around..... I can imagine it takes a while to adjust.

Mine still hasn't gone! She is off on Sunday and it will be an empty nest, I am hoping it will be much tidier and slightly cleaner nest over the next few weeks. I am on the one hand eager for her to go, proud of what she has achieved, next step - new adventure and a more peaceful time at home as she and her father clash somewhat, on the other hand I am apprehensive as to how she will cope with fending for herself, organisation, time keeping, staying motivated... Oh well, it really is out of my hands now.

ucasfracas this is something I have to remind myself regularly! DS was telling me about a couple of issues at his new flat - my first instinct was to try and sort it for him but I just backed off as I know there are 8 20 year olds living in the flat and one or all of them is perfectly capable of doing it themselves - whether they will or not is another issue

My ds has texted tonight with questions about laundry!Good to know we are still useful for something

My DS has been back at uni for a few days at the start of his second year. He is devasted at the moment, having split up from his g/f of a year, and we are struggling with how to support him at a distance. Any ideas and words of wisdom welcome. He doesn't want to come home and is 'hiding' with a friend in another town until term proper starts.
We think she ditched him, and that he had no idea it was coming. We liked her a lot, so we are a bit devastated too! She has just started her first year, which may have something to do with it and is living not far away. He doesn't tell us much (about anything) so it is hard to help without him realising I stalk him on Twitter! He is a gentle soul, not terrifically confident or articulate, and Mum is probably not the first person a 19 year old would confide in anyway.
Anyone else had to cope with this?

Ahh bless you for this post. I am tonight surfing the internet trying to find others in the same position. My son, Jack went last Saturday to Uni. I have been a bit weepy and generally off form this week. Its strange without him in the house. I have tried to restrict my contact with him, he doesnt want mum on the phone the whole time. He phoned this afternoon, and my heart skipped a beat. I tried to be cool, and not interrogate him too much. He is having a great time, has been shopping today and doing a stir fry tonight with fresh vegetables. I think, one week in, I did a pretty good job, he is doing fine and enjoying meeting new people. Yes it hurts me, lots and lots, and I miss him soooo very much, but he is going strong. Have faith, others (like me) are in the same position. Our children will thrive and get on fine without us.

I havent had to cope with this, but can only suggest that you drop him a text or two on occasion to let him know your around. I think the first couple of weeks will be the hardest, then he can settle back into a routine. Tough to help with first love issues. PS stalking on twitter is a most excellent way of gentle keeping tabs on the kids without nagging them, dont feel guilty, you just care. Seriously you will find our children are much more comfortable with online, its a good way of checking his coping strategy. Good luck.

Thanks dan1970, you've made me feel much better about stalking! I have emailed him a few times with chat about family and things at home, and some very brief encouragement e.g 'one day at a time', and he seems to be OK with that. Lectures start tomorrrow so hopefully he'll be back in the swing more, and amongst his course friends.

I also am feeling weird today and a bit low as DS and DD are now finally gone to start their next year. The house is still topsy turvy from the packing. Silly really, I didn't mind them going off for their first year so much but now the day when they will have finally left home comes closer and I will be doddery soon. Aaaaarrrrggghhhhh. I must develop a keen interest in something other than bringing up offspring, and quickly.

I seem to be really struggling this week , am so busy at work and have never thought of myself as a clingy mum, maybe because it's over 2 weeks now but I am really missing him . Not missing the arguing , cooking etc , just his general presence .

Not helped by the fact that apart from texts we have a complete communications blackout . Have suggested he might call but don't want to hound him like a needy parent but am finding it hard that he doesn't seem to want to talk to us at all.I know this is ridiculous but it feels like he is cutting us out of his life .

outtolunchagain he's probably got loads going on - getting used to lectures, new friends, learning to actually take responsibility for himself - so I wouldn't take it personally. At the beginning its better that they are busy and coping rather than phoning you all the time. (I know of someone's DS who sobbed every night on Skype for over a month)

Mine were better at keeping in touch once they got over the initial few weeks of term.

Mine are very bad indeed at keeping in touch outtolunch and I think in retrospect I overdid the not hounding thing. I send e-mails giving them news and asking for theirs and I occasionally phone. I wouldn't worry too much about low level hounding. The first few weeks are incredibly busy; mothers can easily slip off the priority list in this first flush of a new life.

My head knows its not personal and I should be proud of him( which I am) and I know he's busy , I suppose it's just that there's just a niggly part of me that is worrying that maybe he isn't alright and just a quick conversation would be good .

However it's my problem not his and don't want to be like one mother I heard of who spend the whole first term calling and texting her daughter andher daughters friends to make sure she was OK .So I will sit it out with the texts. I am shocked how much I miss him though , really didn't expect it at all , he's quite independent , has been away on trips and stuff with school and I haven't really missed him at all but this is a completely different feeling

I get exactly that same niggly feeling outtolunchand it's proved capable many times of tipping over into an absolute certainty that something truly dreadful has happened and when I get to that point (after a day of increasingly dramatic scenarios developing in my mind) I phone and keep phoning until I get through. I've now had to be explicit with them that a single sentence on an e-mail to say they are ok and just busy is absolutely fine by me. Eldest DD seemed surprised and said she'd always felt that that would be too cursory, that she thought she needed to put aside a great wodge of time to e-mail properly or phone properly. That can be a great deterrent when they're rushing around.

How did it go today gelo? And do you still have one/ any left at home?

I think that the e-mail approach is best. I remember being a student and how I would not have wanted my parents phoning me (it was way before the days of mobile phones though we had a pay phone in our shared house) except when necessary as I was enjoying my first days of independence.
I send them shortish e-mails and hope they get back to me ... and they generally have done so when they have needed money or had to deal with the big adult world!

I'm friends with both my DD's on facebook (DD1 has set the permissions so that I can't see all her photos but DD2 doesn't care) and I leave messages for them on that or vice versa. They only occasionally log into their emails but they use facebook every day.

DD1 is a bit like a toddler, if she's quiet she's up to something!