DS/DD off to Uni? - Empty nest support thread

[rustybear]

DS is off to Warwick in October - anyone else feeling old? Or are there any old hands with advice ?

Sorry - been off researching planning application regulations .
DS at FE College doing Foundation Degree , 2 year course with ( it says ) possibility of third year to top up to full /Hons degree .

He didn't achieve at A2 ,was doing Chem ,Bio , Physics .
Got ok AS levels ,I feel school unhelpful and also underhanded in that after mocks this year they said nil to me and put DS under lots of pressure to leave b4 exams in summer - which he did . DS not communicative either during school period - he isn't communicative full stop ,but also I suspect scared of dissapointing me .

I've no idea really what standard of teaching /support is like at current college - but think DS really lacks organisational skills ,struggles with essays - and is lazy . So I'm not sure how he'll fare in an environment where he needs to be an independent learner .
One of my problems is I don't know how to say to him - please tell lecturers /me if you're struggling or you feel it's wrong course ( he says now that he hated every second of his A level subjects ) without sounding as though I'm expecting this - if that makes sense !

gingeroots I agree with betelguese that struggles with essays are likely to reflect lack of teaching/practice/feedback as no student is born knowing how to write essays it is a skill and craft which comes after lots of practice and feedback. I do think that the current structure of gcse and As levels means that essays as such tend to take a back seat, doing well in exams is all about revision guides and exam specs and so on.

I am not sure how to deal with a non communicative DS_ I have a similar problem in that my DS doesn't communicate because he wants to do it all himself and thinks that asking questions to tutors means he is stupid. He knows his limitations, he is not arrogant, but that makes him feel inadequate rather than spurring him to ask for help- he doesn't quite accept that everyone has limitations and that, to a certain extent is what being a student is all about, but that tutors sometimes only give feedback if asked. My father (a wise man) says it is important for mothers not to criticise their sons as the sons need to be able to confide in their mothers without feeling they might be unloved.

I must say I do think that DD at Oxford is having fantastic teaching - it is a myth that Oxford students 'have to be able to cope with supervisions' -those supervisions are a wonderful luxury in terms of further education. Other universities are like state schools in comparision.

gingeroots don't be too hard on yourself. If he's coming home each weekend at least you have steady contact and he has an anchor and escape. I have DC who sound similar to funny's DS.

I came back late last night too Betelguese. What a beautiful day in Oxford it was, perfect skies and autumn trees. I love seeing them in situ and happy but I'm well aware that that can be fragile, life and loves and all the rest.

Agree completely about the teaching system. In many ways Oxford students seem the most supported of all, even in the Humanities, where contact time is much less. I feel mine are very well looked after, very lucky indeed, it's students at other universities who have more reason to flounder I think.

Long live the ostrich-I like that one,concur. Don't feel the need to suddenly dash off and do 'things' as I always have plenty to do and quite used to my own company.Should I be

harbingerofdoom I think its lovely to be able to relax a bit.

I am in a tight spot today, as it is a major festival on Wednesday, and all the other DC and nephews/nieces etc are coming for big food/sweet things/fireworks etc (this year I have bought some of those Chinese sky lanterns for a change) they can all come because London university students always have Wed afternoon off for sports, except for DD who has 2 essays to give in by Thursday 5 pm and doubts she will be able to make it home and back to Oxford and finish the essays. She is getting a bit upset about it. I am thinking perhaps it would be best for me to take up some lanterns and food to Oxford tomorrow then she wont feel left out so much. Or should I let her try and rush the essays and come home?

Incidentally her essays have got tougher........

Gingeroots
I've been interested in what your son decided to do after A levels, but I hadn't realised he took them on his own without school support. That is really appalling on their part - it sounds like a school which pays lip service to caring about the students. My ds found real difficulties with the same subjects at Alevel but he had one inspirational teacher who kept him going. It really knocked his self confidence though.

So your ds got through his exams, and is studying away from home on a course which may rebuild his confidence? That sounds good. How is he finding it?

Tough call,your DD is now in her third week at Oxford ? What is she studying ? I think that I would err on the side of a visit, if you havn't already been to up since start of term....

funnyperson - I think yes go up to Oxford .
Maybe less pressure on DD that way .

Copper - thank you .As I'm sure is obvious from my posts I am still so angry with his school .
I do feel for his teachers though ,I think they had a lot of pressure on them - school was made an Academy 3 years ago and they have been under terrific pressure to achieve amazing GCSE results ,think they did this at expense of sixth form plus really not prepared to risk any low A2 results .
But I can't forgive them for not communicating with me and then lying about it when I complained .
I might write to Ofsted - there is no way that what this school says it does for sixth formers in any way matches the reality .
Plus I think they just didn't support him - when he got a B in one of his Physics modules ( and I'm still waiting for the AS certificate to reflect this ) his teacher ,rather than telling him well done ,said he was surprised/ that the result was unexpected .

I don't know how he's doing now ,I hear him on Skype telling his friend that "everything I do I fail at " ,but he puts on a different face to me .
He's not perfect and in some ways I think feeling that you're a failure is a cop out - you don't need to even try .
But I'm heartbroken .

copper he didn't take A levels on his own ,he left school ( pushed out ) in May and that was it .
He had enough points from AS and one A level he did last year for the Foundation Degree .

They told him that his grades were going to be "disasterous " and that as he had enough points for his insurance choice he might as well leave .
There was stuff ( that I found out after he'd left ) about resitting mocks - in May ? ! and if didn't get C grades he'd be kicked out.
He actually needed help and encouragement ,not more stress and he could not be persuaded to go back .

gingeroots I think that whatever has happened your son needs a chance. Should he succeed with his foundation degree he will not have to go back and do A levels. However, if he doesn't take this chance, what would happen? A levels at X years older than his peers?
The school is now in the past unless that is the only place for study.
Help him grab his chance and future.

gingeroots I feel very sorry for you both but you need to be positive and draw a line, as harbinger says. I've had to be far more positive than I've felt on occasions when things have looked bad, it was the only way.

funny might it take nearly as much of your DD's time for you to go up as it would take for her to come down? Does she want to be at home with her brother and cousins? I'd tend towards telling her to do what she can between now and Wednesday lunchtime and to drive her back to college on Wed evening if I possibly could (or delegate that job!). And if she feels under too much pressure on Wed, then go instead this w/e, with essays out of the way?

Thanks guys - yes I need to put stuff behind me and be positive for DS 's sake .
Sorry ,overhearing the " I fail at everything " remark was only last night and it upset me . ( and I'd had a bad day )
Need to man up a bit .

Thanks Betelguese ,I agree looking forward is needed .
TBH I'm not sure that DS would go for peer mentoring ( I think he doesn't like to display his lack of confidence and ability ) or how I'd broker it - but I can see the merit in the idea and it might be helpful .
Thank you for taking time to post and showing an interest /
I'm off to bed now !

NO, woman up!

gingeroots absolutely agree- put that school behind -its this foundation year which now matters.

You are right to be concerned as a mum-no need to man up. If your DS saying he feels a failure doesn't upset you then what will? Besides it is the worry which will trigger necessary action.

My tips are to make sure he has an academic diary (give it to him as a present) and compliment him if he puts his timetable and all course work/essay/worksheet deadlines in: a paper one and an electronic one on the mobile are fine . Make sure he has the textbooks he needs- you can stalk the reading list if necessary-also files/stationary/internet access/printer access/folders/hole punch. These you have already done I expect, but I was surprised by how little demands my DS made because he thought books were expensive. But they were essential for him to learn from and read. If he missed the library induction, and even if he didn't, suggest he makes a session with the librarian to go through bibliographies/online resources/where to find course texts.

I agree with Betelguese invest in help from a post grad if possible. Encourage DS to make full use of the college academic support unit. My most successful method for achieving this so far has been to take DS and some college friends out to lunch and half way though bring up the topic of tutors and essay deadlines- it didn't take much for them to be chatting away while DS listened interestedly and I could put in a couple of unnoticed pointers. Hope this helps-I read with interest as I am by no means though the other side of my DS first year fail yet.