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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS/DD off to Uni? - Empty nest support thread

999 replies

rustybear · 31/08/2006 20:09

DS is off to Warwick in October - anyone else feeling old? Or are there any old hands with advice ?

OP posts:
Betelguese · 30/09/2011 18:51

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webwiz · 30/09/2011 19:05

lostmymind we are going to visit DD2 in half term. She'll have lectures etc for some of the time we are there but we'll be taking her out for a meal in the evening and I'm sure we can amuse ourselves when she's busy.

ggirl · 30/09/2011 20:23

have just booked a few days in sheffield at half term

Betelguese · 30/09/2011 21:35

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funnyperson · 30/09/2011 21:51

betelgeuse hug for you.
I am beginning to feel sad about DD going too.

funnyperson · 30/09/2011 22:00

lostmymind I agree 2 weeks is long enough to wait. I have seen DS weekly so far though. He is coming home for the weekend tomorrow!(after fronting a stall at the freshers fair Smile) to help move DD in out on Sunday.

Betelguese · 30/09/2011 22:48

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LyonMum · 01/10/2011 12:36

Just sent a message to DS. I said I was sending up some spare towels and he quickly logged on to facebook, sent a message saying NOOOOOOOOOOOO and then went off line again. He told me to stop sending him things and he knows that Im worrying but that he loves me and I need to CHILL! He also said I need to get used to him not being there. There, that told me. Is it that simple people? I dont think so. Today, my tears are shed later than usual but I really need to stop this crying. Its like a separation anxiety, Im a professional woman with a career and yet this separation is all consuming. I literally cant think of anything else. I said I want to see him in October and he says he will be popping to Loughborough to see his girlfriend first. I think I know what to do ... I think I should ask him if he wants to see me/his little brother/family at all and when he does then he should let us know. Wouldnt it be nice to be asked to visit instead of feeling overly needy. It hasnt helped that DS2 away on a birthday party so both DS's missing ....I just wish boys would keep in touch more than girls .... my husband says its definitely a boy thing, as did my brother in law... I just need to get that into my thick skull.

webwiz · 01/10/2011 13:05

LyonMum DD1 held us at arms length for most of her first year. I was massively jealous of my friends skyping their children and going to visit when DD1 didn't seem to keep in touch very much at all. She got better after that and now is much happier to talk to me and let me know what's going on in her life. I'm going to stay with her for a week on Monday - something that was unthinkable two years ago.

DD2 is very different and I have already spoken to her more in the last week than I spoke to DD1 in a whole year.

I think if you want to visit just say we can come on these dates in October which is best for you and I'm sure he'll appreciate a bit of free food by then.

Betelguese · 01/10/2011 17:46

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Fififi · 01/10/2011 18:11

Ahh! Here you all are!

DS set off for Durham today with DH. I have stayed at home because DD2 not very well, and I doubt there'd have been room for me in the car anyway! they're staying the night in a hotel in Durham tonight, can have boys chat about the rubgby and football over dinner and brakfast tomorrow, a quick look round the town tomorrow a.m. before going to check in at 12 noon...

I said i wouldn't cry when he said goodbye...but I did. And then DD1 had a strop saying I didn't cry when we left her at Oxford last year ( I did but she didn't see - we said our goodbyes and then she turned left to go to a welcome tea at the JCR and we continued staright on. I turned back and the tears came as i saw her stride out all alone, with the beautiful back drop of Christchurch behind her, and it struck me that she was really starting her new life, on her own terms...)

An hour later DS was back - he'd remembered a desk light and books and pens and blu tack and chargers but left his wallet behind....
Didn;'t cry when we said our good byes again...

He's a bit apprehensive about it all. He's much more of a home body than DD1, and has stayed close to the same very small gorup of friends since he was 7. He's happy in his own company so I think he's worried about enforced jollity - though being made to come out of his shell will be a good thing. I'm not sure freshers week will be his thing, but I'm sure it'll all fall into place once lectures and tutorials begin...Hope so.

He has asked if I'll go up at DD2's half term, which i will because I've not seen Durham at all. He's just texted from the car to say he'll be needing black tie for the freshers ball at the end of October so I guess we can shop for that during the visit.

Good luck to everyone's DC's and good luck to all of us as the nest empties...

xx

Fififi · 01/10/2011 18:16

PS Dear Betelguese - I love to read about your relationship with your son. I know for a fact that DD1 does not subscribe to the view Mum is best....and she'd not let me within a million miles of her facebook...but she will at least text and BBM....your relationship is obviopsuly very close and very different from many mother/late teenage child...

I'll take her up to Oxford on Tuesday ( she's back in college) and we'll all go up on her birthday in November for a big pub sunday lunch but I suspect that will be it this term, though I expect she'll turn up at home a couple of times in betwen 21st parties in London.

picklesanne · 02/10/2011 09:48

DS has come home for the weekend again, lovely to see him but will be sad to see him go back monday. So want to ask when he will be back again but don't want to pressure him into visiting if he doesnt want to, but I so need to see him each week. How long have other people found it is before you don't miss them quite so much?

mumeeee · 02/10/2011 15:14

Pickesanne. Please don't expect your DS to come home every week or even much at all. He needs to be able to do stuff with the new. friends he is making and to settle in to his new life. DD1 went to uni in our city so we did see her quite often but that was because her halls were only 20 minutes walk away but we didn't see her every week. DD2 is at university which is 3 hours drive away. In the first year she cane hone every few weeks. But in the second year. She came home for the Christmas term. Then she got a part time job so just came home for a few days at Easter. She came with us on holiday for 2 weeks in July and the came home for a couple of days at the end of August. Most of her friends also stayed in their shared house over the summer because of job commitments. She is now back at uni we haven't seen her since the end of August. .We won't see her until 12th November for my Dad's 90th birthday. She jeeps in touch by text and phone calls. She phoned last night and said I love you at the end of the call. Sorry if I upset you at all with this post. I'm just trying to show you that. although our DC's do grow away from us when they go to uni they still love us. If we let them do this they will still acknowledge and respect us.

Original poster
RustyBear · 02/10/2011 16:59

I wouldn't worry too much about missing them- you might find they are back with you before very long!

It's five years since I started this thread when DS went off to Warwick, and he is now back, having spent the two years since graduation working towards his goal of a career in publishing - after a series of volunteering and internship placements he now has a temporary full time job with a major publishing company, which he is hoping will turn into a permanent one - but he can't afford to move out yet.

And DD is currently here too, having graduated from Exeter this summer, looking for a temporary job and hoping for a bit of travel before she starts a postgraduate course next September.

So I've now got a full house - in fact it's about to become a bit fuller, as we will be having DS's friend, who is starting a job nearby tomorrow, staying wifth us for a few days until he finds a place to live.

OP posts:
picklesanne · 02/10/2011 17:32

Thanks Mumeeee for your advise ,would just like to say that I havn't once asked my DS to visit he has come home because he has wanted too (to see the dog i think). Anyway won't post anymore will just accept thats hes gone.
Good luck everyone hope it all turns out ok for you all.

mumeeee · 02/10/2011 17:58

Picklesanne it's nice that your DS wants to come home. DD2 did get a little bit homesick in the first year and we had a couple of tearful phone calls. But she made friends and settled down. Rustybear you're right they may well come home again when they finished uni, DD1 came home for a few months after she graduated. But then she got married and went and lived in London with her DH. That U dis find hard as she was suddenly completely grown up and in her own family unit, but that's another stiory.

Betelguese · 02/10/2011 18:19

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Ponders · 02/10/2011 18:23

Rusty, I never noticed the date on your OP - your entire domestic university history is right here Grin

Anyway it's clear that there probably as many ways of coping (or not) with the empty nest as there are individuals coping (or not) I found the last few days before DS2 left were the worst, as I imagined him not being here any more, & thought about how sad it would be not to have his clutter all over the house; now he's been gone 2 weeks the relative peace & space is rather nice! (am still thrilled to get the odd text/call/email though Wink)

fififi, your DS is sounding very much like mine all over again Smile apart from DS2's small friendship group being much more recent; he's not at all keen on the laddish stuff either, eg choosing to stay in rather than go to a Jager bomb party in his first few days (although he has no intention of going to the freshers' ball!)

I think he is enjoying finding kindred spirits in class & at societies rather than through an alcoholic haze - not that he doesn't like alcoholic hazes generally, but they have to be on his terms. I'm sure yours will have a wonderful time in Durham, & you will love it when you visit - especially in Oct, when the leaves have turned & are reflected in the river, it's very beautiful

Betelguese · 02/10/2011 18:31

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Ponders · 02/10/2011 18:45

\link{http://www.pbase.com/scirburn/image/25945534\imagine this with all the trees golden} Smile

Ponders · 02/10/2011 19:03

OMG, DS2 has acquired some goldfish Shock

(DD1 is on his FB & has been introduced by photo)

do you think they might be a mother substitute? Wink

mrswoodentop · 02/10/2011 19:29

Durham is so beautiful,I had the most fantastic time there ,a similar pic is on our landing.Also met dh there as added bonusGrin
Ds not keen to apply though,went to the open day but didn't think it very welcoming HmmThink he also doesn't want the pressure of the high offer .

funnyperson · 02/10/2011 20:12

Dear all it is so nice to read all your postings. I said to DD on the way today that I was a bit worried of being at the bottom of the pecking order and she said 'you are at the top of my pecking order'. Astonishing. DS was a bit quiet and needs lots of support. Repeating his year is not easy because he has to face all the new freshers and all his old year group, however he is adding in a subject so something new at least. Also 200 signed up to his society at the freshers fair!
I am feeling a bit strange. Happy- it has been one of the happiest days of my life- but also uncertain for them though they have a good start. I'm OK about being old. Yesterday there was a very odd moment when they were sat down to dinner and I came in from the kitchen with something or another and they both looked up at me like lambs at a mother ewe- as if something secure was really there for them. Yet they are 18 and 19 years old, and most of the time so vocal about their independence.
Ponders Durham looks very pretty.
Betelguese I hope your son has an easier time of it this year
lyonmum hang on in there for your other DC and keep yourself as calm as you can with exercise, early nights, hot drinks before bedtime, positive thoughts etc. The trouble is always that when DC tell me to 'chill' it makes me feel heated up! There is nothing for it, they will grow up and we will grow older.

homeaway · 03/10/2011 09:57

Just to update you all , dd got into room the next day after sleeping on the floor at a friends. In the end the uni managed to lift the door off the hinges and do it that way. Airer is now bent but still serviceable ¨! She reckons she wont have to pay anything.... not so sure

We asked ds if he wants us to visit in November and he said yes ,so we will just take him out for a meal and do a shop with him. Dd might come home for a week at the end of the month.

For all of you missing your ds and dd ,it does get better. We make sure we skype as often as they want to and they know that they can contact us if they want to. I know with my dd it was important for her to contact us when she wanted to and not the other way around as she would feel pressured.

It is wierd, it seems like they left months ago and yet it is only weeks ! Have a good week everyone.

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