EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

Thanks, Made. I think she's decided to miss the school event - a shame but she's worried about missing important info on holiday homework (though I suspect there might be an end of term party in there somewhere too!). :)

Thanks, it makes it easier being able to talk about my worries on here because my husband doesn't think I should be listening to my son and gets grumpy when I try to talk to him about it. Thanks too to Made for the info about Uppsala, I wish they had a scheme like that where he is now. Are you tempted to go prowling in the undergrowth to spot your DS this weekend?

Pliudev DD's been up and down like a yoyo and I'd have been lost without the lovely ladies on this thread. Its great to hear about others settling in and having a good experience but even in a good week I keep waiting for the dreaded phone call when something else has upset DD.

I was thinking of offering my services as a surrogate mum to strugglers at our local unis but I know if there was such a thing DDs reaction would be wtf I'm fine as I am. Thankfully she's now enjoying her course but the first few weeks were grim listening to her moan about that as well. God help me when its her year abroad if she doesn't like where she's sent - she has to do an exam and the Japanese equivalent of UCAS allocates students to a uni linked to their UK one. All we know so far is it won't be Tokyo which is a shame as she's got lots of friends and contacts for work there.

Made that's so cruel. I hope the weather's better where you are because I wouldn't fancy being under canvas here.

Yes, I am very tempted to go prowling around in the undergrowth, but my son is too good a shot to risk it! At his school they all had to join either the combined cadet force, duke of edinburgh or service in the community. He thought that OTC would be the next stage on from CCF, but is finding that he is going over the same stuff all over again, but as he has done it all before keeps on getting roped in to help out, not what he wanted as he would have liked to be just one of the lads. But at least he gets paid for it now.
I had lunch with a friend at half term, her children are a couple of years older than DS and she said that it took a good term before the pair of them settled in. Masses of ups and downs. But the daughter who was a medical student went on a year's training in India and never came back, so be warned... Which in turn has led to all sorts of bureaucracy problems that her parents have had to help her to sort out, and her father giving her a credit card on his account and telling her to use it in emergencies. And to an engagement that they aren't at all keen on. Mainly due to the huge distance. But they waved off a shy and insecure medical student who seemed very old for her years even as a small child, and judging by the facebook photos she is now lively and happy and where she wants to be. I do feel for her parents though, I think they are still hoping that she will come back. Am starting to think that if such a thing is suggested by DS, I shall be not be as helpful financially.

Sounds as if I should be glad DS is only considering Sweden, although his second choice is just south of the arctic circle. perhaps I should start investing in some thermal underwear.

no I agree, not sure I would be so supportive financially either... Saying that, dd just called to ask for £300 deposit to put on next year's accom! went out with friends this weeks and they found a lovely flat, very central, so hopefully year 2 accom all done :)

Oh MABS, seems as though we are no sooner done stressing about first year accommodation than we are onto next year!

DD is home for the weekend. Yay! She is obviously having a good time. Hasn't stopped talking about everything though a lot seems to revolve around drinking and parties

is my dd your dd Jellicle??!!

LOL MABS, maybe we're related!
DD ate her way through a takeaway on Friday night and roast beef and Yorkshires on Saturday. But said the best thing about being home was having a bath as they only have showers in her flat.

Have to admit I sobbed when she left. I have also resisted the urge (so far) to text to ask if she got back all right.

You spend 18 years trying to make them resilient and independent and then cry when they are!!

Jelly I know that it's no consolation but you have obviously done a good job. When my dd went back last weekend she said see you at Christmas, we haven't heard a word since.

same re the bath! - used up my Jo Malone Bubbles :( hates just having shower there at uni

DD is coming home on Friday, for the weekend. She says that all she wants to do is eat lots of home cooked food and spend hours and hours in the bath! I've bought her a big bottle of bubble bath, so she doesn't pinch mine. :)

DS rang when he got back from his nights under the stars - not even a tent, just a 'basher' which sorted the others out into men from boys! He asked to come back next weekend - because they have to do it all over again the following weekend! He is certainly earning his rather meagre pay but at least it means he has a good excuse for not going out clubbing every weekend. I'm not looking forward to the traffic in Cambridge fetching him though so it had better be worth it, he will have to be very nice to me. Also they have been digging up the A11 for months so the journey is dire. All I need is snow. I really hope I don't sob when he goes as I have choir practice while OH takes him back, that would be embarrassing. I felt really pleased that he wanted to come home though - even though I know it's for food, washing, bath (yes he hugely prefers baths) and more food.

DD came armed with her own bath stuff she had bought in Lush. She has even texted me to say she is back safe. Obviously growing up!

Just love it that everyone else's offspring feel the same about baths.

DD has a bath in her uni house this year and so doesn't spend 50% of her weekend visits time at home in the bath anymore!
Yes, it is hard knowing you have brought them up wanting them to be independent and resilient, and then once they finally are (either immediately or through getting through a wobbly start) you wish they were little and needed you just a bit!
DD was home this weekend and talking a lot about renting in London next year as she has recently got a grad job there. It really struck me how much more confident she is and how she has really found a passion at uni (and managed to get a grad job in that field).
All feels very strange that we are nearly at graduation and then the world of graduate jobs and the real world will begin! Comes around very quickly.

I'm currently waiting for dd to get dressed so I can drive her back to uni after reading week, although she did have to go back last week for some lectures. She has 2 huge bags of stuff that she would never manage on the train, goodness knows what's in them. She has been working at her Christmas job 4 days over the week so her bank balance will be improving.

She discovered during the last week that the girl she was hoping to live with is leaving and spent last week applying to Ucas again for next year, it's rather thrown her. She is not sure if this girl will complete year 1 or leave soon. Of her two possible flat mates, one is set to rent with course friends (all trainee teachers) and the other is applying to do an exchange to America next September. Her other friend lives at home and commutes and is going to do the same again in year 2. All 4 potential girls are all of a sudden not available after all and she feels like she has to start all over again to find new friends.

I feel so bad for her, how much bad luck can one girl take? She got quite tearful last week when she found out about the one who is leaving, she was hoping it was just all talk but evidently not. She is also wondering now about the quality of the course. She has the first meeting with her tutor next Monday, I don't know if it will help, to talk things through with a professional.

I so envy those of you who have settled students.

Sorry to hear that Mrsrhod. Perhaps talking to her tutor will help.

awww yuck MrsRhod, so sorry to read...

mrsrhod sorry to hear this, yet another knock. It really has been such a horrible and tough ride for your DD.
Have you managed to talk through options with her? Could she see if she can join with the trainee teacher house or would she not feel comfortable with that?
I hope her tutor is of help and things start looking up again soon or that she works out whether she is at the right place for her. Would she consider starting again next year or is she determined to try and make it work? Would she know which other uni would work better for her? Perhaps one with catered halls? It does feel like she has hit a lot of dead ends through no fault of her own.
Your DD seems to just be in a tough situation, rather than struggling to settle because of homesickness/shyness. I'm sure she would be perfectly able to settle by now if it wasn't for her housemates all ducking out and little social options. I hope she doesn't feel it is her fault but can see she has been very unlucky with her situation. Not that it makes it that much easier, but just thinking in terms of her self-esteem for if she does decide it is the wrong uni and wants to start afresh :(
I can see this all must be so frustrating and make you very angry for her.

I'm back home after her dropping her off again. I've re read my last post and must apologise for the rambling. I was of course talking about the four girls she knows best all being off the list of potential housemates for year 2. Two of them are current flat mates and two are from the course.

I left her, with a heavy heart, in an empty flat. She looked resigned to it all and I felt sadder than on day one when there was so much potential for it to be fantastic. Of course, I am trying not to pass my feelings on to her.

Hi dd, crossed posts. I think she sees that it is just a bad set of circumstances and she keeps being unlucky. She is a perfectly lovely girl, it's nothing she is doing that's putting people off. The two nice flat mates and her do get on very well but they all struggle with the other two who are beyond antisocial, almost to the point of being threatening. It makes for quite a difficult atmosphere.

The thing about moving is that she has already had a gap year, during which she worked in a shop. She wanted to be at university close to home which was her priority, it has meant compromising a bit on where she could have gone and she is realising that now. But going into year two elsewhere would not be an easy option in terms of getting to know people. She is already 20, which is young I know but if she doesn't make this work she will be two years out of school with no clear direction still. DH thinks she needs to make it work or get a job and believe me, he is the softest man and is not saying that to be mean.

The trainee teacher did say that dd could have joined their group but it is a bit late to introduce someone new to the group now. They have seven at the moment, it's quite possible that by the new year that might change. But as dd said, she would rather find her own group than just tag along with another. Reading between the lines though, I don't think she is alone in not having a group, it's just so hard for us to watch her hit one brick wall after another. Thank goodness for this thread, it continues to be a real help.

mrsrhod sorry things are still unsettled on both the course and accommodation front. Could DD stay in halls next year? DDs pretty sure she's going to stay where she is and take a chance on nicer more mature flatmates although they all went out for a meal on Friday so maybe things are improving. The phone calls and texts have dropped off so I know she's more settled.

She summed her situation up the other day when she compared her expectations in September think of any american teen drama and her worries about being the nerdy geek with the reality of a grim northern town and living with d*ckheads who's idea of fun is drinking til they puke and current affairs means discussing who's shagging who (her words).

Don't worry about DDs age my colleague's DS did an extra year of 6th form to get the grades for the course of his dreams, got there hated it and restarted a different course the next year which he's loving. He kept the job he got when he left the first course and commutes to his new uni as he knew living in halls wasn't the great experience everyone makes out it is.

Sorry to hear about your DD mrsrhod. She really has had bad luck.

It may not seem like it to her, but it is really early still to be thinking about places to live next year. Hopefully she will manage to find another group she likes. I asked DD at the weekend if she had thought about who she wanted to share with next year and she just looked at me as though I was mad.

I've just got back and read your posts MrsR. It does seem so early for them to have to plan next years accomodation. Things could change so much and I'm sorry your DD is having to stress about it now. I think, for some of them, it's one step forward and two steps back at the moment. I saw my DS last weekend and we spent a miserable time trailing round looking for somewhere to eat in the dreary town nearest his campus. Couldn't help thinking (but not saying obvs) that a bit more revision might have got him somewhere a bit more glamorous. Still, on the plus side he mentioned 'my friends on my course' but then I left him all alone in a house where there are now two couples (he says he wears headphones to get to sleep). But only a few more weeks and they'll be home, at least I think mine will be, he's moaning about the train fare now. Much cheaper to fly to sweden he tells me.

I asked Ds tonight (he is home for the weekend) about accommodation for next year and he really isn't fussed about who he rents with. I asked, why and he says he has three separate good groups of friends, two from uni courses and one from OTC, and is friendly with one of the boys from his flat but wouldn't want to share with any of them because he has seen how it can break up friendships. He would rather share with strangers with no prior expectations from each other. It made sense. He say he isn't going to start looking until next Easter.

We arrived home at 4pm and he didn't stop talking until 7.30pm and he went to bed at 9pm. So funny. Relationships in the flat are now fine, but the flat was broken into 2 weeks ago (he kept that quiet!) and now the front door won't shut and still hasn't been fixed, and a few things were stolen from the sitting room including a sofa module for which the students will probably be charged!!! I'm not sure how that will be sorted out, but we will only wade in if the students come out badly as they can hardly be expected to pay for a sofa stolen because someone broke their door down. Various electrical things went too. So Ds is actually quite happy because he gets a good night sleep because their flat is no longer Party Central, as the owners of the big tv, xboxes and vast boom box thingy have stashed them back in their rooms. He seems very happy - but his face has changed again. That is a very strange feeling, noticing changes in your child instead of seeing them every day.

I have made an older friend recently who thinks I am mad to miss my children. She then said thought fully 'I wonder if it was because I had four of them?'. So maybe it's best to be so exhausted that you are pleased to see the back of them!