EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

No, it's a large private halls. There's just a concierge. I could ask if he could be moved, if things do get bad/worse, but he is very philosophical about it and does have lots of other friends he can spend time with. Just not in the same building. They do at least respect other people's possessions. I was worried that if he did change flats he could end up sharing with a load of stoned students who permanently had the munchies and were forever 'borrowing' his food, like one of my nephews. I'm not going to panic yet, but it isn't nice.

Oh that sounds like a horrible situation. So because its private halls the bully can do anything he likes without fear of repercussions? That doesn't sound great and he obviously didn't even attempt to put on a civilised front when you were there either. How do parents manage to rear such hugely unpleasant offspring? I hope your son manages to remain strong.

Dd went back yesterday afternoon and apart from replying to a text from DH that she had got back safely we haven't heard from her. She has heard people discussing houses for next year and is getting concerned that she has absolutely no idea who she might live with. I think it's made her realise she needs to be there more and be more sociable.

She is getting more used to being away but there is a low level of stress there, if there is a minor disagreement at home when she's around she gets quite upset about it.

goldenyears are you still around? How is your son, and you?

madeofkent how awful, your DS sounds very strong and like he is dealing with it so well. Although that doesn't take away how horrible it is. I hope this boy starts to realise he can't mess about with your son. It sounds like for now your DS can cope and has lots of healthy friendships elsewhere. perhaps 'better the devil you know, than the devil you don't know' applies to the option to move halls!

mrsrhod your DD seems to be getting there. The house thing definitely gave my DD a kick up the arse to work out who she wanted to be friends with and who were likely to be true friends, and then stick with them and make a big effort. There are lots of options for housing, and if she doesn't find a group or a big enough group - as I mentioned previously - there are ways to find housemates. Just a warning your DD is likely to get very stressy and worried about it, we had a lot of teary phone calls and panic. I didn't hear of anyone of DDs home friends or just from her halls who ended up 'homeless', and everyone seemed to find a group which suited them.
DD was so highly strung for the first term and spent her whole time at home, the two weekends she visited in first term, feeling miserable about having to go back, she was so snappy and irritable. The same can be said for the xmas holidays I'm afraid, but then by Easter she was far more relaxed and settled and my nice DD, and a much more grown up DD, had emerged. :)

Hi DD, thanks again for your wise words. I think she is getting the hang of it. She is coming back again overnight because she has to attend a training session at 6 pm for her Christmas job. She called earlier to tell me which train she will be catching. She mentioned again about spending more time there and didn't bite my head off when I agreed with her. She can see people making friends and doesn't want to be left out and I think she can see a few possible groups to get in with opening up. Study week starts at the weekend though so she will get used to home again...!

mrsrhod It is in some ways a shame she has so many excuses to come home, but perhaps it is her way of 'surviving'. Glad she seems to see the importance now of making an effort so hopefully it will all pay off and she will find a nice group soon. Does she have to come home for study week? (is everyone else?!) even staying for just some of it could be a good chance to do some social things.
Hang on in there and have lots of to de-stress yourself!

well. dd flew down for w/e. looked very well, said she loves Newcastle, very happy etc etc, I sorta believe her...

Well, my daughter was here overnight, and it was lovely to see her. Apart from the hitch with the lost bag, all is going swimmingly and she looks very well.

A shame it was such a short visit, but we had a lovely meal together, and some mum and daughter time over a hot chocolate when I went to drop her off this afternoon. Feeling a bit empty again now, but OK.

Things still bad here, I feel like its all doom and gloom for DD. She's had a heavy cold all weekend and had to go in on Friday for a test. At some point during the following 3 hr lecture a muslim student passed round their prayer beads, DD gestured for the next student to take hold of them as she'd long run out of tissues and didn't want to pass on germs and was accused of being racist and is now terrified of what the lecturer will say - she's got to see her tomorrow.

At today's lecture the girls she usually sits with all moved to the row in front and there wasn't room for her so she sat by herself for 2 hours

Well dd came home for her training session but has surprisingly just set off back on the train. She doesn't want another night away. Also 2 lectures are being held in the middle of study week, don't know if that's normal, so she will be away for a couple of days which I'm secretly pleased about. Everyone else ( she knows) is planning to go home except the trainee teachers who have to stay.

She seemed very much on form today, growing in confidence and quite happy.

Notso, sorry to hear what happened to your dd. I'm sure the cold is making everything seem worse. Does she have to see the lecturer because of what happened today? I hope her explanation is accepted. Has she found anyone who could be a friend yet? Dd is still floating a bit but is getting on better with 2 flat mates at least so has company most evenings.

Oh heavens, it's so easy for the slightest little thing to get misconstrued, because they don't feel the need to explain their actions as they make them, as we do. Or I do, anyway. DS too has a vile cold, I asked if he wanted to stay at home for a few days (which I would have loved) but he has so much on that he declined. I snooped around on fb today and discovered that a group has been formed for their flat, to ensure that all runs smoothly, I hope it works and isn't used for online bullying.

Notsoskinny sorry your DD is still finding it tough. Is she able to explain to the other students what she meant by her actions. I'm sure her lecturer will be fine with her explanation, Mrsrhod pleased that your DD is getting there,

Update - it was another student who complained. DD has explained what happened and apologised but the student said he hadn't been offended. She's not got any lectures until Friday pm but hopefully she'll find something to do.

All this stress and trauma is driving me to you should've heard the clank when I put my recycling bin out this morning

you poor love Notsoskinny :( know what you mean re the recycling and dd is very happy so no excuse!

notso glad she got it sorted.
I am sure she will find things to do. My DS has lots of reading and of course essays etc for the end of term are being set now.

Notso, so sorry to hear of the problems your daughter has encountered re the prayer beads/racism.

Glad it is sorted, but really wonder why it happened in the first place.

Surely it must have been a misunderstanding. I must admit that I wouldn't have had much clue what was going on if someone wanted to pass round prayer beads.

mrsrhod I am still here (and DS is still there!). I haven't been following the thread for a while but have done a bit of catching up this morning. Thank you for thinking of me. I am glad to see how much progress your DD has made.
Notso I was sorry to read about your DD's experience. I know what you mean about the recycling!! I decided to make this month 'noalcoholvember' but it lasted all of two days.

madeofkent How awful for your your DS to have to deal with that boy, but it sounds like he did a really good job.

Update on my DS: he didn't change flat. Decided it was better the devil you know and he has a couple of friends nearby so he didn't want to move away. He knows more or less when the jocks will be visiting so he makes sure he is either out or doesn't need to go into the kitchen.

He has a counselling session today (booked 2 weeks ago, so he is obviously not alone!) but texted me today to say he didn't know what he was going to say as he feels differently now. I said it was good as that meant he was feeling a bit happier. He said, not necessarily happier, just a bit less sh*t. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! He has been ill again, which doesn't help. He did have a weekend away with one of his clubs, which he really enjoyed. He has continued to make an effort with the clubs, which have been a lifeline for him really (some more than others).

He has asked if he can come home this weekend en route to visiting his on-off girlfriend (that situation hasn't helped either). It will be his first time home since he went away. I am desperate to see him and I hope we will be able to use his brief visit to get a clear picture of how he is really getting on. I haven't dared ask if he's doing anything about next year's accommodation. Think it might be the last straw. In my heart of hearts, I think he is at the wrong uni, but DH gets annoyed when I voice my doubts (and, of course, I haven't said anything to DS). He does not really seem to be enjoying his course either. It is a dilemma: are we encouraging him to do something that is not right for him and making him so miserable, or are we supporting him while he takes a bit longer to settle in than others? I think the Christmas holidays will be interesting.....

golden I hope the counselling session goes well today. Hope he has a great visit too at the weekend although it will be brief.
My DC is coming home this weekend and like you we haven't seen him since he started 7 1/2 weeks ago.
Hope things improve!

Thank you, going. Hope you have a lovely weekend with your DS.

Good to hear from you again goldenyears. I too hope the counselling is helpful for your ds. I'm sure the weekend at home will give you a better picture of how he is but I think you're right, Christmas could be a watershed. Maybe this course and this university AREN'T right for him but he needs to work that out for himself. You're doing a grand job.

Noalcoholvember sounds like a silly idea to me....

Golden - so sorry to hear he is still not truly settled. No Alcohol Day is a bad idea I think!!

Thanks ISing and Mabs. I do appreciate everyone's feedback. Counselling was useful although they have a long waiting list for second appointments. Just had a long chat with him and he sounded much more together than he has done in quite a while. Roll on 6pm as I might well have a celebratory glass of Rioja.

we can chink glasses Golden :)

Goldenyears, I do hope that the counselling session has helped your son. If nothing else, at least he must now realise that however isolated he feels, he is most definitely not alone.

It must be so hard to know what to do for the best, but ultimately I guess the only person who can decide whether or not the uni or course are right for him is your son himself. As parents sometimes all we can do is be there to provide support as and when needed, but at this age they make their own decisions, good or bad.

It is just 15 minutes until your 6.00pm watershed, so not much longer until you can have the glass of .

Golden, its such a worry but we've just got to be there for them. Thankfully DD's enjoying her course I don't think I could cope with that on top of everything else.

We're due an Ofsted inspection but we didn't get the call today and that means no visit this week so there'll be wine with dinner tonight

Golden, I do sympathise with you. I don't know if my son is any happier but he just seems to be getting on with it at the moment.What I wanted to say though is that, if your son decides his course or university aren't for him, it's not the end of the world. My eldest son switched courses and universities after the first year and never regretted it. All I'd say is that if it isn't right for him the sooner he decides and does something about it the better, especially from the financial point of view. Having said that, it's a big decision and he may suddenly turn a corner and find things change for the better. Either way I hope it all turns out well for him.