EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

pliudev I think its amazing when they can arrange things like that especially when we're worried about them not fitting in, not having any friends etc. DDs having the same 'problems' as your DS but we had another long chat on Friday and basically she doesn't need friends for the sake of having them she's always been the same so why did I expect her to change who she is to fit in. Now the initial 'lets all be friends forever' stage has passed she'll pick and choose when to join in with her flatmates and when to do her own thing in her room.

She went to a convention yesterday and was recognised by students from her uni, one on the same course, who hadn't realised who she was she's well know within that community in internetland hopefully the good mood will continue when she goes back

Well DD3 is now on the coach on her way to Manchester. I'm missing her already and also my other 2 DDs it's not often we have them altogether now. DD1 was in a car crash on Friday morning but she didn't tell us until yesterday. Her and her friend went to work afterwards but they were told they should have gone to the hospital and DD3 did have neck and head pains. So they did leave at 3 and went tohave everything checked.

Glad you had a lovely weekend mumeeee and your DD is OK after the crash.
Keep busy the next few hours/days. And get on the !
Just remember how well she is doing and how you have a few weeks now to get all sorted for xmas :) time will fly.

Awww, sorry to hear about the accident mumeeee. Glad they are all OK though, and that is all that counts.

And I know what you mean about missing them again the moment they have gone back to uni. I felt that very much when I dropped my daughter off about a week ago - a really empty feeling, and really had to make myself drive home. Can't wait for the Christmas holidays now.

Thanks both. They were worried a bit about DD1's neck at first and she was seen by 3 doctors but after a lot of examination and asking her questions they decided she was okay. Her head hurt a lot but they said just to take it easy and gave her pain killers. They also said she should be monitored for 48 hours but she was on her own last. night as her DH went to Hong Kong with work. He couldn't get out of it.

So sorry re the crash :( totally agree with really missing em just after they leave, very hard x

Dalmation and Notsoskinny, I think he's ok. He didn't go out much when he was at home but I think he went off intending to change things and hasn't. I've been trying to remember my first term at art school and I spent a lot of time in the kitchen of an empty flat with the oven door open trying to get warm. So I guess he's doing better than I did. I expect things will turn out ok for all of them in the end, it's just that you want so much for them don't you? So sorry to hear about the crash Mumeeee, glad it wasn't serious.

just got back after driving dd back to uni. She was out on Friday with her friends but was quite clingy and upset over the weekend. Seemingly all is not well in the flat, what has happened is not very nice and has been reported to the authorities who will be sorting it out this week. Though dd is not directly involved it has left them all feeling upset

Sorry about your DD minsmum hope she feels better when things have been sorted out. DD3 got back to Bolton okay. She was supposed to text me as soon as she got back but she didn't. I ended up sending her a message on facebook as she wasn't answering her phone. She has just texted me to say she was home and sorry she forgot to text earlier. Oh and I forgot to say she has made an appointment to see a study tutor next week and that the Disability Advisor has emailed all her tutors to remind them she needs extra time in tests.

We've got dd home for a few days over reading week. She started her new Christmas job on Saturday and loved it, I've not seen her so happy in ages. Tonight she has gone to stay over with a friend from her old job. A few weeks ago she wouldn't have done that, time spent at home saw her pretty much glued to my side, so I feel that's a bit of progress. She has to go back to uni on wed/thurs for some lectures then back here again as she is working fri/sat.

The initial angst does seem to have gone but I know that next week the turmoil of thinking about who to live with next year will take hold again. I really don't see that she will know anybody well enough in four more weeks to even begin to make a decision, especially as the two potential girls are unlikely to be there with one possibly leaving and one doing a semester in America. She feels she has to start all over again. I feel really bad for her. Are your settled dcs sorted with housemates for next year?

Mrsrhod glad your DD is happier and is making some progress. She may not need to worry until after Christmas about where she's going to live next year I know DD1 and DD2 didn't. DD2 actually didn't really start looking properly until the March of the first year and she ended up sharing a nice little cottage type house with some friends from her course. DD3 has been thinking about it and talking to some people about next year. She can actually stay in Halls as Bolton have a certain number of flats allocated for 2nd and 3rd years. She is thinking of doing that and the deadline for applying is May so she'll have plenty of time to decide.

DDs probably going to stay in halls, there's more private ones than uni halls and she likes the convenience of being 5-10 mins away from lectures. We did drive through some of the areas where the majority of rental houses are and I wouldn't want her living there. To give you an idea I'm paying £100 pw now and one of the girls has found a house that would cost them £15 pw - what state must it be in? Also one of her main moans is the state of the communal kitchen so can you imagine the bathroom if 6 of them share a house with only one!

I better start saving a bit extra for next year's rent

I hope she won't have to make a decision until after Christmas, it would actually be impossible to do it now. She has also heard of a few flats who had planned to stay together but have found, after 6 or 7 weeks, that the honeymoon period is definitely over and there have been some major fallouts, quite nasty stuff. She doesn't seem to know when this decision has to be made, if there is indeed an actual 'date',

I just can't believe her continued bad luck, with one friend thinking of dropping out and reapplying elsewhere and another going abroad. If it came to it she could actually commute, but this would be an absolutely last resort.

When I look back to my own time, I had met DH and we were a definite couple by reading week of our first term, it was so different. We had separate houses for the 2nd year, but only because my parents would never have let me go back if we had officially shared. Little did they know that after reading week we didnt spend a night apart for the rest of our time at university. That was in 1982, we had our silver wedding anniversary earlier this year. I've been thinking a lot about my uni years recently and I really wish dd was having just a fraction of the fun I had, it makes me sad.

mrsrhod sorry to hear things are less optimistic again. And don't let her feel pressured to pick a house (or attempt to), there is time. Encourage her to keep trying to make new friends and find another group that are more solid. How are course friends? Or other flats in her hall? It seems the two girls she has got to know are almost not worth it if they aren't sticking about (horrible way to look at it, I know)
It is no doubt all still moving about and will still take time. As I said, most of DDs friends now were unknown to her or not friends until Christmas.
As other posters have said, you can get houses right up until march. I'd avoid letting her live at home, it really will limit her uni life and opportunities to settle even more. Once she 'admits defeat' and lives back at home, she is likely to withdraw herself as much as possible and be really miserable. Uni is one of those things the more you put in, the more you get out. I know right now it doesn't seem that way, but with time she will get there if she sticks at it.

I know what you mean, looking back at my time at uni (Durham- so a collegiate university) it was much easier. Everyone was there to stay and to make the most of it. Everyone was open to meet people and be friends. We all went down to breakfast, lunch and dinner together. The college made an effort to provide social events and formal dinners. Without technology (I'm old so no mobile, internet, computer even) and less transport, you were there to stay put and not constantly living a split life by talking to home friends/comparing etc.
I too met my (now ex) husband at uni. It really was the best few years of my life. When DD started out and was wobbly I felt myself reflecting a lot and feeling almost angry that it wasn't still like that. She then found her feet and it has become (almost!) as good for her too. She was lucky to be in a catered hall which had socials every friday and formal meals regularly. A really lovely community feel. She now loves it, has found a solid group of friends and is involved in all sorts. She still comes home once a term and is very much in touch with home friends, but not to an extent that she is clinging onto the past or not letting herself make the most of uni.
They do get there! Your DD seems to have been very unlucky but there is a good chance things will turn round.

Just checking in , haven't written for a while .
DS coming home for the weekend of 23 November , arranging a meet up with his old friends ( not to see us , oh no ! )
I'm trying to persuade him to book his rail ticket home for Christmas , as he breaks up on 13th December ( as I think they all do ) but is then on the Uni ski trip for a week , so won't actually be travelling home until the 22nd December ! I think the trains will be busy and he needs to book sooner rather than leaving it til the last minute and standing in a corridor for 4 hours
Next year , he's thinking of staying on in halls . 4 of the 6 boys in his flat are 2nd years , and it has everything on site , except the Uni but there's a free shuttle bus provided .
But let's get the first year before anything else !

We've got DD in lower 6th , she doesn't know what to do . Worried about going away from home and not being happy , at least she's got time to think about it all

Thanks again dd. I certainly won't be making any encouraging noises about her returning home for year two and she hasn't mentioned it either. The girl who wants to leave is on her course, they met on the first day. She has gone home for the week to consider her options. The other girl is a flatmate who has become much more friendly but comes with her best friend from school, she's in another hall but the two girls now spend much more time in dds flat. They are getting friendlier but seem a self contained duo, thinking of going to America together.

The course is heavy on lectures and light on time in small groups which makes it difficult to chat. I know an extrovert would manage well enough and just engage others in conversation, dd is not like that. It doesn't come naturally but I think she is trying. Four weeks is not enough time to find a stranger and know them well enough to commit to sharing a house.

Having all this technology makes it very easy for them to sit in their rooms in the evenings and be completely entertained and in touch with old friends and family. I think that's happening a lot and its wrecking the social side of things for many. All 5 girls in dds flat have spent many evenings watching films on their own, it's crazy and such a waste of their youth.

That is a real shame mrsrhod, I agree technology doesn't help!
Once DD found people she clicked with and felt more comfortable with there was less disappearing off to rooms and most nights in first year (second term onwards) they were either out clubbing, off to the hall bar, watching films together, off down the pub or out on the downs playing frisbee or whatever. It reminded me much more of my university time which was just constantly packed with socialising in various forms and enjoying others company and the insights about life you got from being around people from all over the country. So different how many students seem to find it now.
Now DD is 3rd year they have reverted a bit to lots of TV/film watching in the evenings once their work is done. DD is in the midst of dissertation panic and seems to be regularly in the library at obscure hours! I have to say I am rather glad socialising has become watching films together occasionally and pubs/clubbing just once a week compared to the non-stop drinking and lack of work which seemed to happen last year! DD actually admitting not wanting uni to end, she feels so comfortable and happy where she is and is enjoying the lifestyle. It really does all change I promise!

Just looking back in. Mrsrhod, your daughter has had rather a run of bad luck. I really hope she settles better soon, but I think you are doing the right thing not encouraging her to consider commuting from home for the second year.

Are there no counselling/advice centres at her uni? By talking to people there she would very likely find that she is not alone in feeling less than fully settled, despite the outward impression others may be giving.

Mrsrhod it does seem that your DD is having a lot of ups and downs hope she settles soon. DD3 was fortunate to get a good bunch of flatmates. They tend to go out together once a week on a Friday. They do spend sometime on their own working in their rooms but they also get together in each others rooms and all watch films together. DD3 was quite shy about talking to new people but she was determined to make an effort and it paid off. When she came home at the weekend I found she has already grown up a bit.

Thanks all. It's not all been bad, it's just not as good as it could be but she does now realise she is not alone in feeling this way. She told me the other day that she feels she is doing better than some people she has come across. Sadly in her halls, which are actually two buildings with a security fence round about 15-20 minutes from campus, there is no communal area, lounge, coffee bar. It's very nice and new but desperately missing a place where all those students can meet up.

She is going back early tomorrow for a lecture and will stay the night for another on Thursday. I expect she will be alone in the flat so I hope she finds someone from her course to spend the evening with.

Maybe it will all cheer up a bit on the run into Christmas.

Mrs R, no, your daughter isn't the only one who is still not settled. I had a long call from my son today in which he admitted he might be getting depressed. He has made friends on his course but doesn't see them in the evenings. He was quite critical of the university for the first time, saying there is nothing to do. I didn't believe him and looked at the SU site and must admit it was full of flirt parties and DJ sessions which are really not his thing. I then copied out the list of socs. I thought might interest him and sent it but I've had no reply. He also said he's having problems getting down to work (despite having nothing to do) and I'm worried he's getting into a downward spiral. I actually asked if he wanted to come home but he said no. I'm glad of that because where we live there is absolutely nothing for young people, but I am feeling concerned. I will see him at the weekend and try and find out what's happening.

Sorry, I've not managed to keep up with the whole thread. Hope things are generally well and that those teething problems are starting to be ironed out.

Does anybody know anything about asking the university for permission to miss seminars? DD has been awarded a prize from her old school, but the prize giving is during term time and would mean her missing a day.

So sorry pliudev x

Sorry to hear that pludev. Hope he is okay and things pick up for him soon.

DS can miss the odd seminar as long as he emails his tutor asap, there is a video made of every lecture that can be accessed by the students so maybe your DD can do the same.
Pliudev if you son manages to stick it out and gets to Uppsala, they have a scheme that pairs up international students with a local family, who show them all the local customs and take them in for the day, have them round for a meal and take them sightseeing.
DS says that his horrible flatmate has calmed down a lot. I hope it lasts. He isn't panicking at all about finding somewhere for next year, he is quite happy to let fate decide where he ends up because he says that it is such a lottery, and that people who he gets on well with on his course may be appalling to live with. I think he would be happy to stay in the halls he is in, with new flatmates.

So sickening - the OTC are taking him away this weekend for training outside under canvas - 5 minutes up the road! However they won't let us pick him up and bring him home on Sunday lunchtime, he has to go all the way back to Cambridge to hand his weapon back in himself. Bureaucracy strikes yet again. So near and yet so far.