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Guest post: "This September, my daughters won't be going back to school"

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 30/08/2016 12:49

When we first considered home education, I pictured handwriting practice, daily reading tasks, desks and mini-projects. I used to be a teacher; I imagined some kind of co-op, where I'd teach four or five children Stuff I Knew and another parent would include our children in a similar group for Stuff They Knew.

We decided to opt out of the school system after a brief dabble with preschool for Evie, who's now five - her four-year-old sister Clara won't be starting school this September either. Society can sometimes laugh, with varying degrees of mirth, about the lack of fun and creativity in schools. But given the government push for testing and an ever-narrowing curriculum, we stopped laughing and just felt a bit sad. We decided that home educating would suit our family better.

Of course, we had early worries about doing the right thing for the kids; qualifications; making friends; the embarrassment of telling people.

Although I'd initially envisioned a kind of school at home, my children don't learn that way; in fact, few of us learn that way. It's how schools work because there are 30 children in each group with one adult, and that's hard to manage. It's what has always been done.

We're usually wet or muddy or covered in ice cream or - on good days - all three. Some days I'm Queen Elizabeth I at Hampton Court Palace (but a nicer one at Evie's instruction, because our ginger queen wasn't known for her benevolence) and the girls are my daughters (but secret, illegitimate daughters, because she didn't have any really). Other days we might go back to check on some tadpoles at the park. The girls are enthusiastic explorers and biologists. I'm a rather repetitive and slightly irritating Protector of the Tadpoles. No tadpoles have been harmed, but many have been stroked.

I always knew that these kinds of activities were legitimate ways of learning, but surely you'd also need lessons, or some form of structured teaching. I had read a bit about unschooling but I wasn't really convinced. The essence is that you live with your children and allow them to live: offer lots of opportunities and resources, and allow the children to choose how they spend their time. Be supportive and talk to them. It's the parenting that most of us did when our children were babies and toddlers. They learnt to talk and walk, and recognise individuals, they knew their colours and how to count, and how to stack things, and what would make them feel better if they got hurt. As I started to look for and find learning in ways that don't look like school, this way of educating, and living, made the most sense to me.

We're lucky these days that lots of unschooled kids have grown up and been to university; they're getting good jobs and living satisfying lives without ever having faced the stress of year 6 SATs or last minute Sunday night homework or bullying.

So we're unschoolers. We don't do it in exactly the same way as anybody else, because everyone has their own set of interests and learns in different ways. We go on all sorts of trips organised by home educating parents - to museums and nature reserves and sites of historical interest - and a whole lot of unorganised trips to parks and IKEA and the swimming pool. We read lots of books and go to the library to get more. We play with toys. We watch a lot of Netflix and YouTube and are currently in a phase of playing an abundance of Kirby's Epic Yarn on the Wii.

We spend time with lovely friends and travel around the country to see family. We never take tests; we're never limited by a curriculum; we don't sit if we want to run, nor do we run when we need to sit.

I don't worry about the same things any more, which luckily leaves me time to worry about the mess, or the sibling squabbles or what we'll have for tea instead. I know this is the right choice for us. If they need qualifications there are plenty of ways to get them; they have lots of friends of all ages; and I'm not at all embarrassed to tell people that we're not on holiday, actually, we home educate.

OP posts:
Rainuntilseptember · 31/08/2016 22:59

Excellent post, MrsLupo

noblegiraffe · 31/08/2016 23:08

Having seen a few home-edders on the show Child Genius, there are obviously quite a few parents who home-school not because they want to stroke tadpoles and make bath bombs but because their child is their project. Their days are intense and highly structured with lots of 1-1 high-level tuition. I suspect these are the kids who are getting degrees at a young age or heading to Oxbridge, rather than the ones who are allowed to follow their dreams and meander through whatever topic takes their fancy.

Cagliostro · 31/08/2016 23:10

Haven't read the thread yet. We've been home educating our DCs for about a year and a half now. Loving it. They came out of school because of bullying, but they were generally overwhelmed by school as well (both almost certainly have ASD).

I haven't had too many negative responses. Most people (such as parents of DD's school friends) are just really interested in it, I get comments like 'how do you do it, I'd never have the patience' and asking whether we need a curriculum etc.

The DCs have far, far better social lives than they did at school. We are lucky to have a thriving home ed community here. They do gym, climbing, trampolining, book club, writing class, geography club, play-reading etc. Lots of trips - museums, workshops, science centres etc. And of course loads of playing with friends in big or small groups. They also go to regular stuff like Brownies and St John Ambulance. The social thing was my biggest worry, especially as I don't drive, but it's really been amazing. I feel like the world has really opened up to us since they left school - we're out and about all the time.

It does add up a lot. We are on a low income, but thankfully due to the huge amount of home ed families around, we can reduce costs - for example trips can end up just costing a few quid each, compared to the cost of going 'just us' which could be £30+. I have started tutoring two subjects which brings a bit of money in, and lots of us do lesson swaps where no money changes hands. Again though, this is only really possible because there are so many of us around. The amount of home educated children in our town has tripled in the last 2 years. Shock

Their love of learning has definitely grown - we don't unschool, we are 'semi structured' so some work is chosen by me, we do daily maths and reading, that sort of thing. But topics are often led by them, or just whatever happens to be going on at the time, in current events etc or just things like the chosen topic for the next geography meeting etc. My friend just sent us a micro:bit so that'll be influencing our time pretty heavily in the near future. We end up on bizarre tangents via youtube etc (always supervised); even the Google Doodle sets our work for the day (celebrating famous scientists etc).

We're a long way off exams yet (9 and 7), but there are some groups locally who get together to study for GCSEs in exam centres etc so I'm happy with that. Or they may want to go to college or something. :)

chubbylover78 · 31/08/2016 23:25

If my son wanted to go to further education and his grades enabled him to do so I would fully support him. Once he's ready for his gcse's he can choose his subjects and study towards the grades he needs to get into college and uni. He has the option of sitting maths,English and science when he's in year 9 and going to put local college part time. He struggles interacting with other children and was the same in school but has never had a problem with older people. We sent him to secondary school but it lasted less than a week, we had a meeting at the school who recommended he should be integrated slowly but that never happened and I was collecting him after school to find him in tears because the teacher's wouldn't listen to him.

Rosieposy4 · 31/08/2016 23:27

Mrs Lupo, superb post
To those who HE whilst on benefits, any twinges of guilt ever while the rest of us support your choices, a very different scenario to those who would like to work but cannot due to ill health, caring duties etc.
I have taught a number of students in sixth form over the years who have been home edded. They have all found it very hard to adjust to the demands of school, and despite all of them having attneded because uni was their goal none of them have made it. I know the line is always that He kids can adjust, get along with everyone etc but this has not been my experience.
My other main concern is the lack of regulation, parents with all sorts of vested interests can chose to home ed, look at the extreme american religious home edders for example, they refuse to let their child be exposed to anything they themselves do not approve of.
A huge benefit to school for me is that i do not chose my kids friends, or pre vet their principles or politics so my dc end up exposed to far more than just playing with the dc of my friends would offer

gillybeanz · 31/08/2016 23:28

noble

I think you raise a valid point. I think my dd became a project tbh.
It didn't start out like that and was child led though.
The day we dropped her off I can remember feeling redundant, it was heart wrenching and far worse because she had been H.ed.
Both decisions for H.ed and boarding came from her, I didn't and don't want her to attend the school she does, I miss her so much. But just as H.ed it would be selfish to refuse her wishes.
If I had good reason either way to refuse I would have done, but I didn't.

Anyway, met a H.ed family the one with girl who went to Oxbridge, she was just a very bright young woman as were her siblings, boys as well as girls.
She was also very good at music and gained her place studying music. Her mum said she was into Maths and science too.
She equally spoke about tadpoles, mud pies, being covered in ice cream and like my dd practical application and using our local park a lot.
They seemed a lovely down to earth happy family who had thrived through H.ed.
She only lives round the corner and asked to meet us through a mutual friend, I still see her from time to time.

JoolzyBabe · 31/08/2016 23:31

My little imps, now 16 and 13, have never been to school. Eldest starts A levels at college next week, and youngest is on a circus training scholarship. Their childhood has consisted of lots of playdates, plenty of sleep, studying what interests themand cheap term-time travelling. HE is barely even unconventional anymore. There were over 160 children at the South London HE Sports Day.

simonwebbstache · 31/08/2016 23:33

"If you genuinely believe that structure is bad for children, you are not going to structure anything for them to learn from, are you? Even if it's something they've brought up as something they are interested in learning?
"

no.. that is not how unschooling works. if an unschooled child wants structure then they get structure.

Propertyquandry · 31/08/2016 23:34

Chubbylover, your post just undoes all the protestations from earlier posters that home educating parents didn't look down on those who use schools. Your stiletto analogy suggests that you believe, like posters early on in this thread, that those who choose to school do so because they either don't care enough or they haven't given it enough thought or 'thought outside the box.' Hmm You say that other parents haven't thought through all the options as if you believe that thinking through those options would inevitably lead us to want to home ed. I'm an ex teacher who also holds an extra professional qualification. Both of which would seem to suit HE. When the reality is that I would only consider it under extreme circumstances. Firstly, I have 4 children from 14 down to 3. Secondly, like most people, I feel that my 38k salary, whilst not huge, helps to bring something to the table from which my children benefit. Thirdly, and most importantly, my children love school. They love it. They miss it during the holidays. They miss not only the sport, drama and music, none of which I could offer to the same extent at home, but also the camaraderie of their classmates. The team sports, the conversation; not just the debating clubs but the everyday banter and chit chat of friends working and learning together.

I get that some posters who HE are saying it's each to their own but a few more seem convinced that we'd all want to HEd if only we took the time to see the light. And that not choosing it means either not 'seeing' it if not caring enough to look.

simonwebbstache · 31/08/2016 23:46

"A huge benefit to school for me is that i do not chose my kids friends, or pre vet their principles or politics so my dc end up exposed to far more than just playing with the dc of my friends would offer"

I do not know any Hedder who does the above ^^, they mix with all types of kids of their own choosing. They are also out and about in the world each day meeting all sorts of people. You have a very limited view of what we actually do... I have never "vetted" my child's friends or asked them what their principles or politics are lol

Roseformeplease · 31/08/2016 23:48

Today my DD came first in an egg and spoon race (actually, tattie) and cheered on the high jump. She chose to take part and loved it. She studied Physics, Maths and was practising speaking French. She did not wear a uniform and went out for lunch with friends (she is 14). Later, she shared spare donuts with the football club after only 3 turned up. She went to visit a friend so they could discuss Greek mythology- a current obsession. She played the violin. She fell asleep reading, "The Great Gatsby".

A very rich and varied day, with plenty of choice, free use of a toilet and lots of laughs.

Oh, and this was at a bog standard (Scottish) comp.

A school where she chose her subjects (don't go there - it is NOT the same education system as England). Where she has huge amounts of choice in her classes. Where she is constantly laughing and surrounded by mates.

DS (same school, 16) opted out of the sports. He chose to spend the entire day in the library writing an essay for AH (like A Level, but harder - again don't go there) History on the Weimar Republic.

Choice! Flexibility! School.

simonwebbstache · 31/08/2016 23:56

Sounds great rose. Home Edded kids do this too :) It is not a competition... this is an article on Home Ed and why we do it.

ImYourProlapse · 01/09/2016 00:10

Anyone figured out what a 'mediated view' of schools and teachers is yet?

ImYourProlapse · 01/09/2016 00:21

The absolute determination and venom coming from those that feel slighted by the very idea that their professionalism is under threat by us mere mortals is, quite frankly, pathetic.

Teachers training consists of learning how to attempt to educate en masse, a glorified version of herding cattle, whilst recording results. There's probably a sub on understanding how to work a printer in order to print someone else's worksheets from TES.

We don't need to be 'qualified' in teaching, because our way of teaching doesn't consist of those things. We use resources that teachers haven't even discovered yet. Resources which look set to replace the conventional way of teaching, for example, Maths, and if not, they should be.

We teach our children how to learn, not just what to learn (to pass an exam. You can be sure that if a parent is dedicated to their child's education then that child will succeed.

I hope you feel suitably insulted. After reading the tripe being uttered, I lost my patience - went straight for the jugular, I'm sure you understand.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 01/09/2016 00:52

This thread is madness.

Really, we've not learned yet that all kids are different and all parents are different and all schools are different and what works for one family might not work for another? REALLY we still can't respect that in each others' lives?

Fuxake people. Tend to your own garden, don't tear down or denigrate other people's. We're all doing the best we can, the way that feels right to us.

jellybeans · 01/09/2016 01:25

For me it is each to their own. I was tempted in many ways. I was sad when mine started school. As a sahm at the time, I felt somewhat redundant.

I considered taking my kids out when they were bullied. But overall all 5 really enjoy school and have made amazing friends and got mainstream qualifications. I also don't feel i would be very good and am an introvert. In addition I do not have the option of being able to be a sahm indefinately. I am envious of those who can and whose partners are happy and encouraging about it!

I have some friends who home ed and they are doing a brilliant job. I would never judge them negatively. They know what is best for their kids.

TrustIsKey · 01/09/2016 02:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryMarigold · 01/09/2016 04:38

Wow, 23 pages. I guess my main concern about HE is not one I've heard yet (but I'm on p5 so far). What I like about school is the access to so many different types of people with different viewpoints, different strengths. This is why the super religious like it, because it restricts their kids' access to 'corrupting influences'. I'm actually someone with a string faith myself but I hate this idea. My worry with HE is that most of the time is spent with parents and perhaps a bit of time with other patents who are quite similar in attitude and style. I love that in school my kids get access to so many different adult influences, so many different strengths (and even weaknesses) which basically sets you up for life in terms of learning how to deal with the rich tapestry of people in this world.

MerryMarigold · 01/09/2016 04:44

Oops should have clarified that super religious like HE negate it restricts access to many types of people.

MerryMarigold · 01/09/2016 04:46

Negate-because. Don't do MN on phone at 4am!

nooka · 01/09/2016 05:18

My ds has just come back from a long residential summer course where he made friends with a boy who had been home educated by religious parents largely it appears in order to make sure he wasn't taught things they didn't approve of. He worked through social services to force his parents to send him to school, and two years later is still a year behind his peers.

Some schools may be bad (my children have had mostly excellent teachers but a dud or two along the way too) but if your parents wish to restrict your education they have an awful lot of power to do so.

Houseconfusion · 01/09/2016 06:23

The post by imyourprolapse what a misguided contemptuous bag of shite. It's not going for the jugular, (dies writing that make you feel good?) it's a severe misunderstanding of the place of teachers, and the role of teaching and learning. We have people here who have by their definition scraped through with a few GCSEs and removing their Dc from qualified teachers because children don't need teachers,..,, a parent with little or no academic prowess will successfully guide them to their full potentials of reaching all sorts of career goals apparently. There have been only a handful of home eders who've stuck to the horses for courses argument others have displayed nothing but contempt for schools and Teachers and those living in a box while they go beyond and yonder apparently.

MissMargie · 01/09/2016 06:27

I was disappointed when I read that the HE girl who went to Oxbridge, mentioned above, was studying music (mentioned later) as I don't think that that proves anything, as imv most music is studied after school.
I still have misgivings about HE covering maths and science if the parents' knowledge is limited.
My DD needed an A in maths a level to study the degree she wanted - I'd studied in Scotland- I was Shock at how hard it was and very few in her year got that. Are He DCs taking it up late in the day and really doing that well in maths, physics etc?? I wonder if those saying it is quite possible have looked at a maths A level paper.

Batteriesallgone · 01/09/2016 06:33

Just have to comment on the Maths discussion between noble and Trust. Maths is not like horse riding where you can try it a few times, have an idea of what it comprehends and decide if you want to persue it.

Going off Maths after a brief exposure is more like going horse riding and then deciding because you don't like horses you're done with the whole animal kingdom, never paying attention to animal husbandry, biology, ecology.

Maths is so varied, so exciting, and higher level maths bears so little reference to lower levels. I genuinely believe if you haven't experienced that love of Maths you are in no position to be trying to teach it (or explore it, or facilitate it) to kids. And that applies to the woeful standard of some school teaching as well as HE unfortunately.

Fulltimemummy85 · 01/09/2016 06:53

I wouldn't entertain Prolapse, they proved themselves to be quite a nasty and very angry person.