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Guest post: "This September, my daughters won't be going back to school"

800 replies

MumsnetGuestPosts · 30/08/2016 12:49

When we first considered home education, I pictured handwriting practice, daily reading tasks, desks and mini-projects. I used to be a teacher; I imagined some kind of co-op, where I'd teach four or five children Stuff I Knew and another parent would include our children in a similar group for Stuff They Knew.

We decided to opt out of the school system after a brief dabble with preschool for Evie, who's now five - her four-year-old sister Clara won't be starting school this September either. Society can sometimes laugh, with varying degrees of mirth, about the lack of fun and creativity in schools. But given the government push for testing and an ever-narrowing curriculum, we stopped laughing and just felt a bit sad. We decided that home educating would suit our family better.

Of course, we had early worries about doing the right thing for the kids; qualifications; making friends; the embarrassment of telling people.

Although I'd initially envisioned a kind of school at home, my children don't learn that way; in fact, few of us learn that way. It's how schools work because there are 30 children in each group with one adult, and that's hard to manage. It's what has always been done.

We're usually wet or muddy or covered in ice cream or - on good days - all three. Some days I'm Queen Elizabeth I at Hampton Court Palace (but a nicer one at Evie's instruction, because our ginger queen wasn't known for her benevolence) and the girls are my daughters (but secret, illegitimate daughters, because she didn't have any really). Other days we might go back to check on some tadpoles at the park. The girls are enthusiastic explorers and biologists. I'm a rather repetitive and slightly irritating Protector of the Tadpoles. No tadpoles have been harmed, but many have been stroked.

I always knew that these kinds of activities were legitimate ways of learning, but surely you'd also need lessons, or some form of structured teaching. I had read a bit about unschooling but I wasn't really convinced. The essence is that you live with your children and allow them to live: offer lots of opportunities and resources, and allow the children to choose how they spend their time. Be supportive and talk to them. It's the parenting that most of us did when our children were babies and toddlers. They learnt to talk and walk, and recognise individuals, they knew their colours and how to count, and how to stack things, and what would make them feel better if they got hurt. As I started to look for and find learning in ways that don't look like school, this way of educating, and living, made the most sense to me.

We're lucky these days that lots of unschooled kids have grown up and been to university; they're getting good jobs and living satisfying lives without ever having faced the stress of year 6 SATs or last minute Sunday night homework or bullying.

So we're unschoolers. We don't do it in exactly the same way as anybody else, because everyone has their own set of interests and learns in different ways. We go on all sorts of trips organised by home educating parents - to museums and nature reserves and sites of historical interest - and a whole lot of unorganised trips to parks and IKEA and the swimming pool. We read lots of books and go to the library to get more. We play with toys. We watch a lot of Netflix and YouTube and are currently in a phase of playing an abundance of Kirby's Epic Yarn on the Wii.

We spend time with lovely friends and travel around the country to see family. We never take tests; we're never limited by a curriculum; we don't sit if we want to run, nor do we run when we need to sit.

I don't worry about the same things any more, which luckily leaves me time to worry about the mess, or the sibling squabbles or what we'll have for tea instead. I know this is the right choice for us. If they need qualifications there are plenty of ways to get them; they have lots of friends of all ages; and I'm not at all embarrassed to tell people that we're not on holiday, actually, we home educate.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 31/08/2016 21:54

Following convention is doing what others do, what's considered as the norm - sending your kids to school.
I can't see how this is offensive.

Sounds like some of you should still be in school.

By thinking outside the norm, - going to school, some people choose to H.ed, not the norm nor convention.

Houseconfusion · 31/08/2016 21:56

Sounds like some of you should still be in school.

Listen to these words coming out of you. Jesus wept.

noblegiraffe · 31/08/2016 22:04

The maths thing, I had a great teacher, my grandparent. Took time and explained things practically. Two bags of sugar and one more equals?

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH.

I think it's the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Fulltimemummy85 · 31/08/2016 22:09

How dare you do something different, not the conform to the norm, turn your back on convention and think beyond what most other people do.

I think the issue is that the above statement and various others implies people who HE are above those who do not.

Also belittling comments such as yours do not help !

Houseconfusion · 31/08/2016 22:09

I agree noblegiraffe! I'm a university lecturer and I would never ever remove my child from a good school to attempt to teach him myself. I will use my qualifications to expand, support and enhance his learning, in so many diverse ways my career enables me to. The naïveté on this thread and the echo chamber effect is stunning.

Houseconfusion · 31/08/2016 22:10

I think the issue is that the above statement and various others implies people who HE are above those who do not

This exactly. Personifies the Dunning Kruger effect.

Houseconfusion · 31/08/2016 22:11

As in agreeing with you fulltimemummy!

Fulltimemummy85 · 31/08/2016 22:11

Interesting that the majority of people on the thread who work in education fully support the system! Whilst everybody else seems to be an expert.

Houseconfusion · 31/08/2016 22:19

Fulltimemummy of course we support the system. Dontcha know we all do what "some minister in London" told us. We were sent to "institutions" and brainwashed.

The likes of gilly on the other hand - are beyond us. Capable of laying foundations in absolutely any damn subject under the sun. Capable of tutoring A level mathematics if only they wished to. Walking a different (and therefore, better, obviously) path.

If I had the time if copy paste the many remarks to the above effect.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/08/2016 22:22

And what in the name of arse is wrong with 'institutions'?

My mums been attending one recently, it cured her breast cancer.

I myself attended educational institutions all my life and have a thriving, self-directed, self-employed career in the creative arts.

Institution isn't a prejorative term.

FireSquirrel · 31/08/2016 22:24

I don't think I'm better than anyone else because I home ed my children. It's the right decision for us but that doesn't make it the right choice for everyone. School is a great choice for many families and we haven't discounted it as an option for the future, if they ever show an interest in going to school I would have no issue with exploring that.

Teachers tend to fall into two camps, either very against the idea of home ed or very supportive of it. What is interesting is that a significant number of home educating parents are actually ex teachers or ex teaching staff. In the majority of cases, they say their decision to home ed isn't because they feel their experience in teaching gives them an advantage (on the contrary, most say it's a hindrance and it takes them a while to adjust and get out of that schooly mindset) but because they have such grave concerns about the state of the school system that they don't want to put their own children through it. Whatever you think of home ed, it's a massive concern that so many people who have had direct first hand experience of the school system don't want it for their own children.

HanYOLO · 31/08/2016 22:29

People who are able (ie have the financial resources, lack of other responsibility, and indeed the patience) to home school are very fortunate. IMO our children start school far too early, and most could do with a few more years grubbing about, pleasing themselves and pursuing their own projects without having to negotiate having 29 other kids in a room with them all day and the increasingly straightened curriculum. My 3 kids, though, and the vast majority of children I know, tbh are really happy in school which is overwhelmingly still a positive, creative, enriching experience.

Irritated and amused in equal measure by the "thinking outside the box/flying in the face of convention" guff upthread though. Sounds like that is more about the parent's image of themselves than anything else.

gillybeanz · 31/08/2016 22:31

House, you don't get it do you?

H.ed is NOT being Capable of laying foundations in absolutely any damn subject under the sun. Capable of tutoring A level mathematics if only they wished to. Walking a different (and therefore, better, obviously) path.

My child is at school, I don't even H.ed atm
As for being better, better than who and at what?
I'm no better than anyone else and nobody is better than me.
HTH.

People ask about H.ed then H.edders reply.
Others have agendas like telling parents they are incapable of H.ed and in fact h.ed isn't valid because you don't do xyz.

You should be pleased it isn't something you choose to do then.
Because educational institutions are the only way to educate your children. That's good for you, it obviously works.

People have explained why they decided to H.ed, you have obviously chosen to ignore their responses.

Houseconfusion · 31/08/2016 22:31

Many things aren't pejorative but we tend not to use certain words for certain things. When a home Eder waxing lyrical about how constraining apparently schools are and calls them is institutions she is trying to convey meaning that wouldn't have been conveyed with the word school simply.

We are not idiots. There is no need to for the naive pretence of oh reeely? Institution just means X and Y meant no harm. On its own it isn't a curse word is it? But we all use words that aren't curse words but can convey negative connotations. And you keno full well what was being indicated when schools were deliberately called institutions by a home Eder ie they are constraining restraining unmuddy all sorts.

This thread is compels enough as it is being naive doesn't really help.

Fulltimemummy85 · 31/08/2016 22:32

I have to say I worked in education for 8 years and have no worries about the system. I am more concerned with my child getting social experience away from me, and I want her to get qualifications and the best opportunities to achieve. I could not pretend to be a maths, science.... expert. I wouldn't be giving her a decision on what she wants to learn as she lacks confidence and is 4 years old.

Houseconfusion · 31/08/2016 22:33

Gilly resorting to the Mumsnet high insult of HTH doesn't add to your case. You have yourself used sentences time and again indicating your above and beyond others. It has irritated not just me. Read through.

HTH indeed. I suppose typing biscuits and HTHs makes people feel good in the moment

chubbylover78 · 31/08/2016 22:35

You don't have to have qualifications coming out of evey orifice to "educate" someone. I never went to college or university and only just scraped through my gcse's yet I can teach my child what he wants and needs. Am I a bad parent for not sending my son to a school, to sit with other kids all learning the same thing when it's clear that every child learns in a different at a different pace? I'm able to give one on one help to my son and make sure he fully understands something before I start on something else. School is not for everyone but I guess that's hard for most people to understand as sending your kids to school is all most people know and are not willing to even think about other options. Not all teachers and schools are bad but too many people are criticising others because they believe that home education is better for their child. I don't have a go at someone for wearing stilletoes because they can cause corns and bunions, I let them make up their own mind and deal with the consequences.

Fulltimemummy85 · 31/08/2016 22:37

Again making presumptions about schools, not every child is expected to learn the same thing at the same pace. Differentiation and G&T schemes exist.

Houseconfusion · 31/08/2016 22:37

Gilly there is a difference between

A. Schools didn't work for my DS. He has such and such difficulties and therefore we found him coping better at home

And

B. Schools are not good for a b and c. Look at us. Going over and beyond them. We are free. We are this or that. Why would kids need schools? Why do they need (insert learning tool)?

There is a massive difference between the two groups of sentences. You have aligned to the later. You cannot back pedal now and ask for horses for courses.

Houseconfusion · 31/08/2016 22:38

I never went to college or university and only just scraped through my gcse's yet I can teach my child what he wants and needs

Marvellous. Case = rested.

gillybeanz · 31/08/2016 22:42

Fire

I have to respond to your comment.

I spent the summer before we started producing schemes of work, plans, resources, and was going to follow the nc to the letter.
I thought I'd teach her, and she'd learn, I knew what I was doing Grin
I'm sure we lasted a fortnight, it didn't work at all and I never used the plans nor half the resources.
We had lots of fun learning lots of different things and would do again if the opportunity presented itself.
For now though she is very happy at her school, apart from the structured, academic side, but she's always been like this. The school allows her to be herself and everybody knows everybody else and they aren't pushed academically at all. Not at all like other ss schools, but full on and a lot is expected of them in other ways.

bikerlou · 31/08/2016 22:44

I have a few single mum friends who home ed on benefits and do very well, they just have to think a bit more about how they are going to do it and they spend a lot of time at the library.
If my son was young again I'd home ed no matter what, he hated every single day at school and didn't fit in while I worked full time spending every single day worrying about him.
The school forced him to conform, he is not a conformist and not a team player either.
Now he has left school he is an extremely talented natural artist and earns a lot of money doing fine art.
At last he is truly happy and doesn't have to conform or be the person he isn't.
Not everyone can do school. i couldn't do it either and was deeply unhappy. I feel he would have been much happier at home with me.

MrsLupo · 31/08/2016 22:48

Before I had DCs, I used to think I might like to home educate them. I have ASD and had a miserable time at school - mainly socially but also educationally, because both school and I failed to understand that how they taught and how I learned were not very compatible. I now have three degrees, partly driven by the desire to educate myself sufficiently to home educate a child if necessary.

Once DC1 was born and I had struggled through a year or two of trying to be a child-centred earth mother Wink it was very apparent I had neither the temperament nor the time to home ed him. It was also clear that he too is on the autistic spectrum and was in danger of being a classic 'little professor' child without the social experience of mainstream school. So off to school he went, together in due course with his NT siblings, and they have all thrived despite various problems that required me to do battle at various times (this I can manage). Nearly two decades on, I know I would have been appalling at home edding, and in many ways take my hat off to anyone who manages it, either through desire or necessity. I appreciate that we have been lucky with our DCs' schools, and also with our DCs themselves - no physical or mental health crises, no school refusal, etc.

Over the years, we've met quite a lot of home educating families through extracurricular activities etc, and they've been an incredibly diverse bunch. Some are affluent freethinkers who don't want to conform to the tyranny of the school regime, others are desperate families who have had a dreadful time with schools that can't or won't recognise or meet their children's SEN or deal with bullying problems. Yet others are frankly mentally unwell and have delusional beliefs that are incompatible with exposing their DCs to the outside world, e.g. extreme religious beliefs, extreme ideas about gender roles, or one or both parents is controlling and/or abusive and home edding is a way of isolating children and/or spouse from agencies who can help them. At every point on that spectrum, I have seen kids who are more or less running wild and certainly not learning much at all. (I am not saying this is inevitable, or even the norm, but it is certainly common.) The truth is that parents have both good and bad reasons for home edding, and vary wildly in their ability to deliver on what they are hoping their kids will get out of it. You can turn that on its head and say that parents have good and bad reasons for choosing schools, and that schools vary wildly in what they deliver. BUT. The difference is that schools are subjected to intense state scrutiny.

That, to me, is the real problem with home ed. It is just not possible to give parents the freedom to 'unschool' their kids without any kind of state intervention or oversight and to be sure that such children are getting an adequate start in life, educationally and socially. Children are not possessions. There should be no absolute right to deny your children the kind of education that is generally required in the society in which they are growing up. Children are entitled to have their educational needs met, and it may be that that is best achieved at home, but imo withdrawal of kids from school should be an option parents have to justify rather than a right. The manner and quality of home-based provision should have to be outlined and stuck to, progress should be required, and above all the more general social position in which home ed places a child should be really carefully monitored.

I think the huge number of ‘conventional’ parents who reject or even mock home ed are probably responding to these quite reasonable concerns. I also think the number of situations where home ed is both appropriate and adequate is really rather small.

That is not to say that the conventional school system is free of flaws. I agree with pp who said that British children start school too young. I also think that many schools are too large and that for most families there is inadequate opportunity to choose a school that suits your individual child. But most of life is imperfect and mainstream schools are certainly way better at catering for an enormous range of special needs and individual learning styles than they were when I was a miserable schoolchild.

Btw, of my three degrees, one is an OU degree, so I feel qualified to say that I think OU study takes a level of maturity that children by definition do not possess, and one is a medicine degree, so I also feel qualified to say that no one who had not experienced mainstream education would cope with the rigid, illogical hierarchies and frustrations of medical education, irrespective of its academic demands. I certainly have never met anyone in medicine who had been home educated, although in fairness that could reflect its statistical rarity rather than its inadequacy as preparation for a medical career.

Interesting thread btw. I haven’t felt moved to post on MN in ages.

HTH
(= Here endeth The Homily) Wink

BoffinMum · 31/08/2016 22:52

Chubby, realistically how would you approach helping your child get up to university entry standard in a foreign language, maths, or chemistry, say?

Rainuntilseptember · 31/08/2016 22:58

Excellent post, MrsLupo