Guest post: 'Having a gifted child isn't always a gift'

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Welcome to the biggest stealth boast in MN history, because I am about to write a whole guest post on being the parent of a gifted child.

This means breaking the number one rule, which is, of course: ‘Never, ever talk about your gifted child.’ The taboo around giftedness is so strong that – and I've agonised about this a lot – this post appears under a pseudonym. I just can't imagine any good coming out of being identified, particularly for my daughter. I very nearly changed her gender too, just to make sure that no one knows it's me. How sad is that? But I wanted to stick my neck out for a reason - because, actually, having a gifted child isn't the entertaining brag-fest you might think.

Imagine if you will, that school insisted that your Year 2 child go into Reception. Imagine that they are learning very little, and it's making them anxious and badly behaved because they know they are different. Imagine that the school say there's nothing they can do, and there's no right of appeal.

To cap it all, you can't even talk to your friends, because they will assume that you are deluded, boastful or hot-housing, or possibly all three. Should you say anything on-line, the responses are even harsher, ranging from disbelief and ridicule ('if they haven’t written a symphony by 4, what's the fuss about?'), accusations of not giving them a childhood, then usually: ‘oh, it will all even out in the end’.

This is a rough approximation of our lives and frankly, I hate it, every little bit of it. I hate the three solid years that we've spent fighting to make school work, socially and academically.

I hate the fact that we've had to move her from the neighbourhood school and we're no longer part of our local community in the same way. I hate not being able to talk about her achievements anywhere: not in the playground, not on Facebook and – the fact that has brought me here to rant at you – not even on Mumsnet. If I could choose, I'd far rather she wasn't gifted: plain old bright would do me just fine. But I haven't got that option.

The truth is that, just as there are children at the other end of the spectrum who find it harder to learn, there are gifted children. The government designation of the top 10% of any class as gifted and talented has muddied the water a great deal – and there isn't a proper definition - but let's say those with an IQ of 130 or above, which is about 2% if the population. These children don't find it easy in mainstream education – but any support they get is entirely at the discretion of the school, which can mean that it doesn't exist at all.

By the end of Reception, my daughter had the reading age of a twelve year old. ‘Great’, you might think, but in a school that only went up to Year 4, they didn't know what to do with her. But a gifted child just has to put up with it; their needs, it seems, don't count. ‘The others will catch up,’ said the head teacher. We had to point out that yes, this would happen if they did nothing, but perhaps this could be seen as a failing by the school rather than the natural course of events.

In many ways though, we have it easy. Compared with some of the children we've met, she’s pretty straightforward. But the girl I know who was reading chapter books in her pushchair before she was two and a half? She's been through four schools and is home-schooled now because it's the only way she can learn at her own level. Many gifted children end up being home-schooled because, in the end, there is nowhere else for them to go.

We also have it easy because our daughter's abilities don't come with many other special needs, apart from a bit of dyspraxia. But a significant number of gifted children have something else going on too, whether that's ASD, ADHD, or sensory issues, as well as physical issues such as hypermobility, making things even tougher for them and their parents.

So when you come across a thread where someone is trying, perhaps for the first time to ask whether their child is gifted or not, all I ask is that you think for a moment before responding. Yes, it might be a stealth boast. It may be true that other children will catch them up in a few years time. Equally though, it might be a parent really struggling with how different their child seems, unable to speak to anyone in real life and in need of help and support rather than a shredding.

Fin- my two have done the worrying about being away from me at university too. That is the sort of general worry that tends to crop up at bedtime. Dd2 is worrying about the Amur leopards at the moment, but luckily is concentrating on trying to raise money to save them.

I've told mine that if she still wants me to go to university with her when she's 18, I will. I banking on the fact that she won't! And our daughters sound so similar. Mine is worrying about tigers a lot.

It is better if they can find some way of helping, dd1 saw an ad for smile train when she was 5, and was asking why the child's face was different. She decided to try and raise enough money for one child's surgery, so we made together, and she and dd2 sold truffles at a local food fair on every now and again, and they raised the £150 over 18 months. I was so proud of both of them but dd1 especially. They were in the local paper and dd had a thank you letter from Smile Train.

Yes, DD has given up £4 pocket money a month to sponsor a tiger. Good on your DDs - that's wonderful.

I think that does help, things are less stressful if one can take action. Very sweet of your dd, how old is she? She is really small isn't she? It must be hard to notice so much at such young ages. I did worry about animals in particular when I was small. My big brother worried about fires. Still does actually, but he is good at sorting out solutions to things so that he no longer worries, whereas I tend to just get stressed, like dd1.

She's seven. I think it's being smaller than the amount you can notice/take in that causes the trouble, really. Even yours in Y4 is probably too small to contain and process all the things she is noticing. It's interesting how much doing something helps. DD had an assembly about the NSPCC recently which I was dreading, but because they sent them home with a sponsor sheet for a workout, she's been fine and has put all the worrying into pestering everyone she knows for money (and has raised over a hundred pounds).

Oh my dd2 is seven too. Quite recently 7. I found a list in the kitchen earlier of all the things she could do to help the Amur leopards. She has written "give up sweets for a month" but she has asked me if sweets include chocolate......

Maybe she could give up sweets apart from chocolate? Giving up chocolate seems a bit harsh for someone who is only just seven!

Mine's seven too. And FinDeSemaine, I think 'bigger than the amount you can take in' is a great description of one of the big hurdles for children like this.

DD's a particularly tricky one, as she will ponder things internally for ages, and then six weeks later I get a random and difficult question about something I've completely forgotten about. We do try to encourage her to talk at the time, but it just isn't her way.

I wonder if seven is the worst age for this kind of worrying. I read a thing many years ago about children who had been evacuated during the war. The children who were most psychologically affected were the seven year olds (or similar ages, but 7 was the worst). Those who were much younger weren't really able to understand what was happening and were able to just accept that this was how life was for them now - some even 'forgot' their former lives. Those who were much older were able to use adult explanations of keeping them safe etc and look forward to the future when they would be reunited with their parents/the war would be over. The seven year olds or thereabouts could understand what was happening and miss their parents and be scared, but weren't able to really rationalise it to themselves and thus were much worse affected.

Obviously it's an extreme example, but I suppose if you have a child who is more affected by emotional issues than usual then those issues can seem huge to them.

Perhaps things will improve with age for the sensitive seven year olds?

We sponsor snow leopards. Funny how doing something actually helps. I say, now you've done as much as you can- when you're grown up you may want to do more, but at the moment we are doing all we can.

I get my dcs to clench their hands with all their worries in them, and then to drop them all out on the floor. We also have Guatemalan worry dolls under the pillows - they whisper their worries to them and the dolls go back into their bags for the night, so the dcs can sleep.

Letting go is very important, and I do a lot of massage as well, especially of their tummies, as they hold onto stress there.

DS (8) was the most anxious at 7. He saw (on TV) a premier footballer have a heart attack & was convinced he was going to have one too & reading about how hearts/the body worked made him worse.

Then he moved onto the house falling down (as his bunk bed had made an indentation on the carpet) which he thought would cause the house/floor of his room to collapse.

Then we moved onto snakes/crocodiles. He is anxious as we may be going to Oz next Easter (about snakes).

IMO his anxieties are more to do with the realisation that it is a big scary world out there & his mum (me!) cannot always protect him which then manifests into fears that he can put into words rather than the big fear which he can't iyswim.

However, he is 8 now (9 in Aug) & things are slowly improving

My son has ADHD and comobility of many other traits .He is 28 now and feels a failure as was kicked out of school but they did not expel him so no school work while for a whole term education thought about what to do with him and it was his GCSE year so no exams .the headmaster did not believe in ADHD He is good with mental arithemetic but has Dyspraxia so not good at drawing graphs .One teacher held his graph workk up and ridiculed him in front of the class say no more .It seems schools still have a long way to go and what happens there has repercussions for that child's future and life.

According to the folk at Potential Plus, the emotional differences of (as they call them, for want of a better term) "Higher learning potential " children, are as much a part of the picture and assessment as the academic achievment, which I found interesting . So although Fin, you say that your dds sensitivities are to do with her nature rather than her cleverness, the current thinking is that the two are inextricably linked together. I had thought of my dds temperment and intellect as separate things, but now I am mulling over this, thinking that I can see that her intellect causes her sensitivity, and probably vice versa.

I know what you mean, and I do agree. What I meant about it not being to do with being clever was in answer to Venus' post about the stresses of being on a G&T list (DD doesn't know she is) or high expectations (any that she has are entirely self-generated; I have always told her and shown her that what I am most interested in is how hard she has tried and if she enjoyed whatever it is). The cleverness and sensitivity are clearly linked to some extent because of course if you are a bit cleverer, you are more likely to notice potentially worrying things. Like the Fiddler on the Roof example in the funnel and cylinder thing where the highly intelligent child is taking in more than just the story and worrying about what lies behind it.

It is very interesting to discuss this with people who 'get it', btw. I'm so glad I started reading this thread.

Me too. And it is so much kinder and more understanding than a lot of threads can get. Which is a relief, as I am v. sensitive about my dds when they are having a tough time. I suppose everyone here understands the problems that come along with this sort of temperment. My dds said their first words at 6m and 5m. But if I tell anyone this now they clearly think I am deluded or making it up. At 12m dd1 would do 28 different animal noises- if you asked her what sound an Aguti makes, she would tell you...(we spent a LOT of time at London Zoo). But I got quite a few nasty comments about this. Even from a childless male friend, who thought I had somehow hot-housed my baby (how is that even possible?). When in reality she just listened to me, remembered things well, and could talk in short sentences then at 12m, so was able to chat about things. Aside from my parents, and my lovely consultant when I was pregnant with dd2, not many people were positive about it. Actually people from other cultures were much more enthusiastic and nice about it than Brits.

That's interesting - my 4year old DD spotted the animals that were missing from the "cow says moo" list. Managed to get an answer to them all, apart from "what does a giraffe say?". Took ages to figure it out, was nearly defeated.

My DD said a few words around the same age; I think 7 months was when she had enough intelligible words for me to actually notice, though she didn't really get going with talking until she was about 18 months. I agree, if you tell people they think you are either nuts or forcing them (how?!) to do it. DD also has a phenomenal memory. I remember going to a hospital waiting room with her when she was two and we had last been to the same room almost exactly a year before. She informed me that we'd had tuna sandwiches last time we went there and a boy took a tractor off her when she was playing with it. She was dead right, too. I'd forgotten until she reminded me (and I consider myself to have a far better than average memory).

What does a giraffe say? I thought they were silent animals!

Also, hope your DD has an OK day at school tomorrow, helly. Good luck to her.

Well according to our version of Down In The Jungle at toddler group, giraffes say 'Munch'. No idea if this is accurate though!

This is a lovely thread, exactly what should happen on the G&T board, but never does as people are too busy telling you it's not possible or, if it is true, you need to stop hothousing so they can play (DS1 has always had lots of toys, as a toddler his favourite thing was still a calculator).

G&T is a very tricky area though, as some of them are just G &/or T, some very sensitive, some behind in other areas particularly emotionally, some combined with other special needs. I've often felt more people understand where I'm coming from on the special needs boards, even though I worry about offending someone if I post there (DS1 isn't officially SN, although he struggles in some areas). I think a large part of SN feeling so much more supportive than G&T, is having it off the active convos list, which stops the rubberneckers and people with useless 'advice'.

DD never really got most toys, either. Her favourite toy has always been a pen and piece of paper since she could hold the pen. She started to write words and letters unaided at around three when she couldn't yet read, though I suppose she must have had some kind of understanding of what the alphabet meant and had been busily scribbling for some time before that. If asked what she wants to do the answer is always 'chat' which means she asks me insane questions and I struggle to come up with reasonable answers. She does like soft toys and dolls, though, and comes up with the most extravagant scenarios to play out.

Munch makes perfect sense, thanks for that!

Thanks Fin. I hope so. I mulled over not sending her in as she was clearly getting anxious about it at bedtime. She also said that she has been told off in school recently over small things like not listening, not paying attention generally. She zones out when she is very stressed, so I am not surprised, but she is never normally told off in school, so she is really upset about that too, and her anxiety is spiralling. We will just have to see how tomorrow is I suppose.

Hope it went OK, Helly.

Thanks , it was ok- she liked the circle time that the teacher is now doing more frequently. I really think there should be more focus on dealing with emotions and handling relationships in school. That along with basic literacy and numeracy, is the whole basis of a happy life.
Anyway I was thinking about this thread as I went off to sleep. My dds are lovely. funny, kind little girls but they are not easy children. My elder dd is anxiety prone, and she talks all day long which can be rather wearing.She hates to play alone and is terrible at self-motivation which doesn't help occupy her brain, and fuels the anxiety. My smaller one holds in stress and strong emotions and then they overflow, so in a bad phase she is like a tiny pressure cooker (albeit one draped in rhinestones and marabou). They both need help and support in dealing with their feelings, and they both get much worse with strict shouty teachers, even though they behave well in school, they hate anyone else being told off. Both have found school a struggle and something at times to be endured rather than enjoyed. They are exhausting actually! .
Fin, your dd sounds super bright, how does she deal with school generally?

Oh good. I was so hoping it would be all right.

DD really loves school in general. I haven't had the problems that some people with bright children seem to have. She is very self-motivated, though, and regards all school work as positively pleasurable. She comes home from school every day and extends whatever she has been doing - eg they were given monologues to perform in Drama, so she came home and entirely off her own bat decided to write a book of monologues. We are up to twenty odd and counting. She has written monologues for all the characters in Winnie the Pooh, Matilda, James and the Giant Peach etc etc etc. She has a lot of application and drive, and her teachers are often surprised that if they give her an extension activity she will immediately see what the next step to extend it even further would be and just start doing it rather than waiting to be told. I am not sure I would call her super bright! She is clever but I think anyone who spent all day every day doing things that other people think of as work for fun would naturally progress faster, whatever their initial attainment. Does that make sense? It's like musicians or tennis players or whatever - you often hear that when they were young, they enjoyed whatever it was that they excel in so much that they ended up doing it as much as possible (and so got better and better at it).

She doesn't get much extension work or G&T stuff in school but she sort of creates it for herself so it hasn't really been a problem. She doesn't get particularly bored by the easy work they have at school as she is sensible enough to think 'well, this writing task is a bit dull so I am going to concentrate on my handwriting' or whatever. I have no idea where she gets it from. I was quite clever and was unremittingly lazy and naughty at school (simply because I could get away with doing nothing).

She's also a child for whom good behaviour (sitting nicely, not chatting when she should be working, not being aggressive or whiny when she doesn't get her own way) comes naturally, so she tends to be popular with her teachers which I am sure helps - anyone can tell if someone genuinely likes them. She is very free with her emotions usually and doesn't tend to bottle things up. She always wants to talk things out.

Our problems have all been around the emotional stuff, starting when she was about three I think. I hear you on the talking all day, though. I often have to say to DD 'PLEASE stop talking just for five minutes, my brain is totally full up and I need to empty it a bit'. I find it hard to zone her out because everything she says demands some kind of answer.

What an essay. I suppose what I'm saying is that DD's natural inborn personality has been such that school is a very good fit for how she likes to be as a person. She didn't find nursery nearly as easy.