Guest post: 'Having a gifted child isn't always a gift'

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Welcome to the biggest stealth boast in MN history, because I am about to write a whole guest post on being the parent of a gifted child.

This means breaking the number one rule, which is, of course: ‘Never, ever talk about your gifted child.’ The taboo around giftedness is so strong that – and I've agonised about this a lot – this post appears under a pseudonym. I just can't imagine any good coming out of being identified, particularly for my daughter. I very nearly changed her gender too, just to make sure that no one knows it's me. How sad is that? But I wanted to stick my neck out for a reason - because, actually, having a gifted child isn't the entertaining brag-fest you might think.

Imagine if you will, that school insisted that your Year 2 child go into Reception. Imagine that they are learning very little, and it's making them anxious and badly behaved because they know they are different. Imagine that the school say there's nothing they can do, and there's no right of appeal.

To cap it all, you can't even talk to your friends, because they will assume that you are deluded, boastful or hot-housing, or possibly all three. Should you say anything on-line, the responses are even harsher, ranging from disbelief and ridicule ('if they haven’t written a symphony by 4, what's the fuss about?'), accusations of not giving them a childhood, then usually: ‘oh, it will all even out in the end’.

This is a rough approximation of our lives and frankly, I hate it, every little bit of it. I hate the three solid years that we've spent fighting to make school work, socially and academically.

I hate the fact that we've had to move her from the neighbourhood school and we're no longer part of our local community in the same way. I hate not being able to talk about her achievements anywhere: not in the playground, not on Facebook and – the fact that has brought me here to rant at you – not even on Mumsnet. If I could choose, I'd far rather she wasn't gifted: plain old bright would do me just fine. But I haven't got that option.

The truth is that, just as there are children at the other end of the spectrum who find it harder to learn, there are gifted children. The government designation of the top 10% of any class as gifted and talented has muddied the water a great deal – and there isn't a proper definition - but let's say those with an IQ of 130 or above, which is about 2% if the population. These children don't find it easy in mainstream education – but any support they get is entirely at the discretion of the school, which can mean that it doesn't exist at all.

By the end of Reception, my daughter had the reading age of a twelve year old. ‘Great’, you might think, but in a school that only went up to Year 4, they didn't know what to do with her. But a gifted child just has to put up with it; their needs, it seems, don't count. ‘The others will catch up,’ said the head teacher. We had to point out that yes, this would happen if they did nothing, but perhaps this could be seen as a failing by the school rather than the natural course of events.

In many ways though, we have it easy. Compared with some of the children we've met, she’s pretty straightforward. But the girl I know who was reading chapter books in her pushchair before she was two and a half? She's been through four schools and is home-schooled now because it's the only way she can learn at her own level. Many gifted children end up being home-schooled because, in the end, there is nowhere else for them to go.

We also have it easy because our daughter's abilities don't come with many other special needs, apart from a bit of dyspraxia. But a significant number of gifted children have something else going on too, whether that's ASD, ADHD, or sensory issues, as well as physical issues such as hypermobility, making things even tougher for them and their parents.

So when you come across a thread where someone is trying, perhaps for the first time to ask whether their child is gifted or not, all I ask is that you think for a moment before responding. Yes, it might be a stealth boast. It may be true that other children will catch them up in a few years time. Equally though, it might be a parent really struggling with how different their child seems, unable to speak to anyone in real life and in need of help and support rather than a shredding.

I still feel angry about the way dds primary school didn't teach her and their attitude and she is in year 9 now.

Reading wise it was fine, she was allowed to bring her own books in from reception. It was maths that had them stumped all the way.

Until year 5 they would say things like 'oh there are other bright mathematicians', 'we are stretching her' (which consisted of a very short and irregular course of group sessions led by a TA who really was not a maths specialist). They also thought stretching meant giving larger numbers.

Her Year 6 teacher bluntly said if you want her taught maths at her level you need to get a tutor. We can't do it in school. This was at a meeting with deputy head in tow. Her teacher also said very triumphantly 'she's very emotionally immature' and tried to focus on that. Dd did cry an awful lot in school. It was when she got something wrong. She felt that she mustn't get anything wrong. Art was a particular nemesis as she couldn't get it perfect. She was frequently very unhappy.

Jump to secondary school. She cried once in her first week after a mild criticism in one of her lessons. That was it. Her school have been amazing, especially in maths where she works off curriculum and chooses her area of focus. She is very self directed and disciplined so it works for her. She does have some lovely friends and she is so much happier than she used to be.

I just don't understand why secondary could do it, but primary couldn't. There are resources out there but they just didn't seem to try.

For those with primary and secondary aged kids I really really recommend looking at the Royal institution in London if you can get there. They have fabulous family day activities, evening lectures and summer school classes. It's just a really welcoming and comfortable place for kids to explore science and maths.

Gifted - such a subjective term! Surely we need to get away from these kind of definitions (usually pertaining to exams)

The playground stuff has just reminded me of a conversation I had with my sons teacher a couple of months after he started in reception:

Teacher: "We have a bit of a problem and we need your help to resolve it"
Me :"okay, I'm willing to try and help resolve any problems"
Teacher: "every afternoon we dress up and play house for an hour but your son refuses and wants to do maths instead, he says that dressing up is pointless and time wasting".
Me: "is that really such a big deal? He got past playing house in nursery and has moved on from that".
Teacher: "he has to play house, all of the other children love it, it's part of the development of play and make believe"
Me: " yes, I understand, but he had a full year of dressing up and developing his make believe skills in nursery and he clearly has moved on from that stage of development".
Teacher: well you are going to have to tell him that he will dress up for an hour every day because I haven't got the time to let him do something different and this is school so he needs to learn to do what everyone else does".

There was no differentiation in this class.

He never did do dress up despite that teachers insistence. Instead, my son spent an hour every day sitting around doing not very much. He came home after another few weeks and announced that he wasn't going back to school because the purpose of going to school was to learn and he hadn't learnt anything since starting so it wasn't meeting its aim.
I took his point, but still sent him to school.

Thanks so much for the RI suggestion badkitten. Really interesting stuff on the website.

It's brilliant Helly. Fab videos on there too. I play them on the ipad and hook it up to the telly.

Great post OP...sums uphow I have felt over the last 14 years with ds1.

Schools don't know what to do with children who don't come with the standard factory settings. In the US my son would be called 'twice exceptional' or 2e. He is severely dyslexic but incredibly talented at art. 'Off the scale' in their words. He has a very creative and unusual way of seeing and understanding the world. He can't write his numbers the right way around or tell a 12 from a 20, but he grasps tricky mathematical concepts, which he draws in picture form, that he hasn't even been taught yet. What to do with this brilliant boy who seems unable to read and write. Schools communicate through words. His strength is in visual thought and communication.

Thought of you who have children ( or you as a child ) could do long multiplication in your head, do your children ( or did you ) have problems writing down working out?

Dd2 has Autism and possible hyperlexia ( not something that's easily diagnosed in the uk ), she is great at maths but now she's in key stage 2 they want her write down 'how she got her answer', because she does it in her head she struggles to see why she needs to show it on paper, apparently this could be a big problem with her and exams. Would love to know of ways to encourage her to show working out on paper.

Dd used to Marne. Writing workings out just seemed pointless to her. I persuaded her that it was like writing a recipe. If you don't write one and just go 'ta-dah' here is a meal make this then nobody can follow what you did and make the same meal. Writing your workings is the same as writing a recipe for people to follow.

It is really important that they learn to do this. Not just for exams but because if they go down the maths route as adults they won't have work accepted unless others can replicate it. You don't just suddenly figure out how to write out workings, it's an art that develops into writing proofs.

Named changed.
We had a very similar situation with Dd to OP. We were forced into private education because the local state primary's attitude was appalling. (She's 5 so has to do what 5 yr olds do.....when she has a reading age of 11 and walked through yr 2 work.) She was bored and her attention wandered so much that the teacher called me in to complain. Yes, seriously. So much for the "Outstanding" rating from OFSTED.

Although we managed with outside help to find suitable reading material for her and ways to channel her enthusiasm for information, numbers, science etc outside school, the school situation did not settle. Luckily we were offered fees remission from a private school and we didn't look back. I dread to think what would have happened had she stayed at that primary school.

She spent the rest of her junior years at that school, surrounded by friends of vastly differing abilities but all of them supported as individuals and most importantly, happy.

Being one of those gifted children is even worse.

Hopefully a loving parent who fights their corner will make life a bit nice for them, Virgolia

Sorry for my lack of grammar. I'm crap at multi tasking

lady i understand but some don't have that. Or some have people, including teachers and parents putting so much pressure on them to achieve. I was G&T and hated hated it.

I know. I was a bright child. I hated secondary school as I was left to it in a class of other kids who didn't want to be there (top tier but it made no difference). I was so bored I resorted to counting the holes in the polystyrene tiles on the ceilings. I still count things now when I'm bored, I haven't done it for a while though.

I was the same. I ended up being moved to the above class with people older than me. In the end I stopped going into school altogether

You can do something about this now if you want to, OU etc.

I wasn't moved. I was just left. I scored low in a science test for the first time ever just before my GCSE's because I couldn't be bothered and they moved me down to the middle class. Even though I was then scoring 98% they wouldn't move me back. The highest mark I could get for GCSE was a C. I used to cry a lot in school due to sheer frustration and being miserable and bored but no one noticed.

This is wandering off the topic somewhat but all words of wisdom appreciated as many of you have older dcs. My dd has been having classmates picking on her slightly for a while and it has got worse recently. (I do have a short thread in bullying about it). We saw the teacher yesterday and we all seemed to agree that fostering kindness among the children and perhaps giving them other games might help. (dd is in year 4). However dd has a history of anxiety from some bullying years ago, and her general anxiety has been increasing. Tonight at bath time she had a sort of mini meltdown/panic. She was talking really fast, trying to tell me about things that had upset her, getting confused about what happened when (she is usually very clear) and then getting completely panicked that maybe she was "lying" to me in not being totally accurate. She was in a pretty dreadful state tbh. I have told her if she needs a rest day tomorrow that she can stay home. And we will try and talk to the dep head (the head is away, but she is completely unsympathetic anyway, so that may be a good thing!). She said "I woke up this morning and hoped that everything would be different today and thought maybe they would be nice to me, but it was just the same, and they were mean to me all day". It is all small stuff, name calling, leaving out, and more minor things , but she can't cope, clearly. What do i do?

Oh Helly. I feel your pain. This was my dd in Y4 too. My solution was not necessarily good - with full consent of H/T I removed her for a few weeks to give her a chance to recoup. It helped, but not enough. For us, the real answer came when dd was fully accelerated into year above and could make more mature friendships. I might add that dd did not experience the mean behaviour in her extra curricular activities, all of which involve older children, but then of course those are different environments, focused on mutual interest and with more fluid friendship groups.

Same here, dds extra curricular stuff is all fine. She is in a little village school, so the year above is in her class too. But perhaps won't be next year. They did offer that in her old school, when she was bullied last time (year 1) but we had her at home then for a couple of terms and then changed schools as she didn't want to go into the class above. I might discuss her having a few weeks out with DH. Certainly she can't go on with this level of stress. How old is your dd now? what does she say about that time? (And thanks, very much, for responding, as I am in a bit of a state about it now).

My DS is 8 and probably gifted in maths, but I really think it's too early to really know. DH taught himself to read at 2.5 and went on to get an Oxbridge 1st in physics. My MIL never really knew how far he could go during school. DH thinks DS is more advanced than he was at that age.

Anyway, my point is that my focus is not on getting him harder and harder work at school. It's about developing his social skills as that is what will really help him onwards in life later on. This is as important if not more important that academic ability IMO. I make sure he has lots of playdates, lots of time in the park with his friends, cubs, other social activities, etc, etc. and lots of FUN!

Helly, that sounds horrid. I have no advice (my DD is smaller) but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and her.

Thank you Fin. She is a lovely little girl, I am so sad seeing her like this.

I don't know if this is completely off the wall, but have you tried role playing with her?

When DD was in Reception, she was deliberately excluded by a group of girls, and was too frightened and quiet and mousy to tell anyone or stand up to them. We role played what they might say and what she could say back - each playing her and them. Can you feed your DD some lines to use and situations in which to say them and get her to practice it with you so she doesn't feel so scared of doing it IRL any more. It sounds like low level bullying, really. It did work for DD. I know Y4 is probably a bit trickier but just an idea.