Come and talk to us (and gransnetters) about the MIL/DIL relationship

[KatMumsnet]

Hello

As lots of you will know, we have a sister site, Gransnet, which celebrated its third birthday recently. And we've been having a think about topics that MNers and GNers have in common, or might be able to share info on in a useful, supportive and hopefully interesting way.

Last month we collaborated with Gransnet on this thread (also here) about the perimenopause, which lots seemed to find useful.

So we thought we'd take a step into a slightly more controversial area (at least according to 1970s comedians, and a few threads MN): the relationships between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law - and top tips for how women can work together, inter-generationally, for the benefit of each other and for the DCs/GCs.

If you have a great relationship with your MIL, what advice would you pass on to others for achieving this? What's the one (constructive ) suggestion you'd make to anyone who finds their MIL a bit difficult?

If you could really speak your mind (perhaps you already can), what one thing would you say to your MIL - good, bad or indifferent? What does she already do that's amazingly helpful or joy-bringing or quietly constructive? And/or, what's the fly in the ointment?

And if you find your MIL difficult, and your relationship with her has broken down (or is close to doing so), is there anything either of you could do or say to start building bridges? Or are some relationships best left alone?

If you are yourself a MIL, what's it like - and how do you keep your relationship with your DIL on an even keel (if you do)?

We should stress we're not trying to foment discord here; studies show that grandparents en masse give up huge amounts of time to help with childcare and/or give financial and emotional support to their children and their partners, and lots of parents know the joy of handing over their precious darlings to the grandparents and running away having a few hours/days off.

And we're not excluding fathers-in-law or sons-in-law, either - as ever, feel free to tell us about those relationships too. But of course the DIL/MIL demographic is likely to emerge strongly from a MN/GN crossover. And we thought it would be interesting to break through the pop culture perception of MIL/DIL relationships and see how you think the land really lies (in a completely unscientific way). Of course, you may even think the whole issue is hugely overstated, and that millions of DILs and MILs all over the country are just quietly getting on with enjoying their relationships and running their lives.

There will be a parallel thread running on Gransnet about the same issue, and we'll be copying and pasting comments between the two - so if there's something you'd like to ask a community of MILs, now's your chance. And of course do feel free to get yourself a a Gransnet log-in and pop over to say hello.

My relationship with MIL isn't bad, I just don't really have one tbh. I'm certainly just the person who is married to her son - she'd never text or phone me. But then she doesn't contact dh either. They go on holiday from Easter to mid July, and in that time they have phoned once and made a couple of fb comments. The phone call was for ds's birthday.

I'd like the PIL to take interest in their son, and grandsons life. We strongly get the feeling that they've been there, done that as dh's brothers are much older and had their children younger and the contrast is marked. They had the other GC to stay, babysat, went to school plays etc. Ds has been with them on his own for about 16 hours in his life - he's 8, and that took a lot of dh badgering them.

I'd like PIL who were genuinely interested in our lives, and who made the effort to know us and ds. Even if they didn't want to have him on his own, the odd offer of 'we saw x in the paper, fancy a day out' would be lovely

I have a lovely MIL. She is a good friend and I would miss her terribly of I didn't have her in my life. She rings me just to see how I am. She always brings me into the kitchen for a little treat (like a baileys or something)

She is very grateful for us visiting. As mil is elderly, we don't have practical support from her but that's ok with me. The way I see it, she's done her time of minding others.

One thing that works is we don't live on each others doorstep. I wouldn't like a mil who commented on the fact I batch cook so take a break from cooking, or knew how much I spent on things. Mil isn't nosey and is intuitive so she doesn't pry but I know she is there if I need her.

She often tells me how lucky she is to have m in her life too.

I'm really lucky - my MIL is lovely and really kind. She adores her son and has really welcomed me into the family. She does have rose tinted specs where he's concerned ("Oh no, your DH didn't have a single tantrum when he was a child, not one...") but she's got a massive heart and she's always been really considerate about respecting boundaries, to the extent that I wish she wouldn't so much!

We both love her son / my DH more than life itself and I know that she's going to be a wonderful grandmother. I think it's mainly about finding something in common with them and trying not to be hostile or feel that they're intruding into your life. My DH was her son first, so I don't think it's odd that she still wants a relationship with him. I'm just glad she includes me.

PS: I also make a real effort with her - I'm going to be a MIL one day and I hope my DIL does the same! It takes just a couple of minutes to hav ea quick chat on the phone or send a funny text but the rewards come back threefold. Families should see each other as support and friends rather than intruders.

I think that a lot of MIL-issues in reality are DH-issues in disguise. If DH's are clear on priorities and boundaries a lot of MIL-issues would be nipped in the bud and only amount to small episodes to laugh at.

I'm fortunate enough to have two terrific DILs. For my part, the fact that they are the chosen life partners of my children makes them VIPs in my life. I believe that taking a genuine (non-nosey) interest in them as people is an important part of developing a good relationship - talking to them about their friends and family, likes and dislikes and comparing notes. In this way we get to understand each others' values and standards, which is very useful when grandchildren come along.

I'm not sure whether my experience is down to me being a stupendously wise, sensitive and insightful person or to the DILs being remarkably tolerant, welcoming and humorous women ... perhaps a little of both!

I have a fab MIL, whom I love dearly. She is v kind, supportive, non-judgemental and funny. She's put up with a lot in her time mostly her twat of an ex-H and still does things like drive 150+ miles to babysit DD overnight every eight weeks or so, letting DH and I have a night out together.

I try to let her know how much I appreciate her, I contact her outside of her relationship with DH (badly worded, but you know what I mean), and I always get her one extra, special DIL to MIL pressie at Christmas and birthday usually a saucy book and posh chocs.

She's always been lovely to me, from the first time I met her, and frequently tells me how pleased she is to have a daughter at last. I proper luffs her!

My MIL died a few weeks ago and I've realised that I had no relationship with her at all.

She had fixed ideas of the type of person she wanted her DS to marry and I didn't fit them. She tried to stir trouble between us as soon as she knew I didn't fit her ideal and did her level best to make sure our wedding was as difficult and awkward as possible.

She never got over it and, about ten years down the line, I am ashamed to say I gave up making an effort. I organised the family visits a few times a year because DH would never have made them happen by himself and I insisted we invited her to join us for Christmas (enormous mistake) the year after FIL died. That is it.

I feel rather sad that I have absolutely no feelings of grief, only relief that I no longer have to arrange the visits and help her with paperwork, bills,etc. I sorted all her affairs after her death on my DH's behalf and felt a total fraud every time someone on the other end of the phone offered their condolences. It brought it home to me that others have something I didn't.

I am determined that I will never make my future SILs feel this way. I hoe I'm successful because I never want anyone to feel this way about me and I desperately want to be a part of my DC's lives and their DC's lives too.

Time will tell.

Over on the Gransnet thread these posters have said:

Aka:

"My son and my DiL have been together for 20 years and married for 13 of those. They have two young children that I look after on a regular basis.

I've never argued with her about anything. I'm a firm believer in keeping my mouth firmly shut unless I have something positive to say to or about her."

Elegran:

"My DiL is the third daughter I would have had if I could have had my way and had three sons and three daughters, instead of the one son and two daughters that I was blessed with. She has blended into the family while keeping her own faith and traditions, and she is exactly the right girl for my only son. She goes to her parents for their festivals and observances, but she has made Christmas dinner for ten, although Christianity is the antithesis of her beliefs.

My two son-in-laws are as different as chalk and cheese, but they each suit the daughter they married, and my relationships with them are excellent.

Of course, they all come from families with different life patterns to ours, but each couple has amalgamated their upbringings to make what fits their lifestyle, not mine.

I think that I expected to get on with them all, because I got on well with my own inlaws, and my parents got on well with both their sets of inlaws.They know I like to see them, to see my grandchildren, and to join them sometimes for school events, to be at my grandson's Uni concerts or my younger grandchildren's sports days. I see someone most weekends, and speak on the phone to others.

But I do not expect to be consulted about everything they do, or to have them constantly dancing attendance on me, or to be included in every moment of their lives. One of my grandmothers was a "difficult" woman (orphaned at 11 so she made a lot of demands on her family) Even as a child, I noticed that when we visited her, her first words were often "Well, I've seen nothing of you for three weeks!" I made up my mind never to say anything of that sort to my family when I had one.

I brought them up to be responsible adults and then set them free to live their own lives. I am happy and flattered that those lives include me."

Mine is awesome. She has raised a very loving and fair son who is a marvellous partner and dad. His annoying traits are so obviously his father it's even funnier because we can compare notes and eye rolls!

She has been my go to person for advice for dd and is completely and utterly supportive in everything we do. I love her to bits.

If I had to pick a fault I would say she can be a bit of a martyr. She still runs herself into the ground cooking Sunday lunch for 14 every week, running after dp younger siblings who are late 20s when her age snd health says she should be taking it easy.

Ds is coming along any day and if I can be half the mum she is I'll consider that a job well done.

Lots of comments over on Gransnet...

annodomini has said:

"I knew both my sons' partners before they finally settled down to home life together and I always got on very well with them. In fact, we were and still are good friends, despite the obvious age gap. Both of them are busy working mothers and I do wish I lived close enough to have been a helpful granny. Still, they do say that 'distance lends enchantment'! I go on holiday with DS1 and family in their caravan and have never felt like excess baggage. DS2's partner and I have a lot in common and speak the same language - I'm SW Scottish and she's Northern Irish!
Best advice I can give to any prospective MiL is: NEVER give unsolicited advice!"

Tegan has said:

"Think I must be the odd one out here because I'm always there when needed, never interfere in their relationships with each other or the children and keep quiet 99.9% of the time. Yet I always feel as if I'm treading on eggshells. Could it be that there is the extra complication of not being with their father [he left] and being with a partner who also doesn't get involved other than to help out ? Sometimes I'm scared that any grievances will just burst out of me one day if I drop my guard."

grannyactivist has said:

"I adore my parents in law and count my mother in law as one of my closest friends; and I know that she regards me in the same way. It could all have gone pear shaped though because her son is ten years younger than me and we married when I was a divorcee with three children.

After meeting me for the first time (I joined them on a family holiday where I was accompanied by just my youngest child) I could tell that his parents liked me, but they were patently worried that the relationship was obviously a serious one and they certainly wouldn't have chosen me as their son's wife. His mother wrote to me after the holiday and expressed her reservations - and to be truthful I shared them all, but I believed that her son was an exceptional person and between us we could make the relationship work. His dad had a heart to heart talk with his son a few months later and promised him that we would have his (and his wife's) support if it was decided that I was 'the one'.

Fast forward and we have now been extremely happily married for almost 28 years. My husband's parents made a conscious decision to take me and my children to their hearts and have never wavered in giving us love and support. For my part I took time to develop the relationship at a pace we were all comfortable with and was determined to demonstrate that I am the 'right' wife for their son. (It wasn't hard - he really is my 'other half'.)

I can, and do, talk to my mother in law about anything, we're very close. My father in law is a very special man too and he and I also have a wonderful relationship.

I have two sons in law and one daughter in law. I love them all and hope to have the same relationship with my daughter in law as I have with my mother in law - so far, so good. She's my son's best friend and as they've known each other since they were seven years old and were best friends from the age of fourteen I think our relationship is on solid ground. My husband has good relationships with our sons in law (me too) and hopefully they will continue to develop over time."

ninathenana has said:

"My MiL died when I was 6mths pregnant with her first GC. I didn't have a relationship with her. Until we were engaged DH lived 50miles away from me so we spent alternate weekends at his or my parents houses. He then moved to my area, so we only saw my PiL 2-3 times a year. Consequently I didn't see enough of her to get to know her. Although she was always pleasant to my face .

My only son isn't married. DD relationship with her MiL is best described as 'strained' *

ninny has said:

"I love my DIL and treat her like a daughter and she calls me Mum."

mcem has said:

"Dd1 has had a couple of disastrous relationships and I didn't see either of them as a son in law. She's now with someone who looks promising so we'll see! DS won't take much longer to give me a lovely DiL, I suspect.
The really exciting bit is that I'll get my first official DiL in 2 weeks time when my daughter and her fiancee celebrate their civil partnership. She lost her mum a couple of years ago so I do feel an extra responsibility. I'll love and support both of my girls but am well aware that I can't take the place of her mother.
They are at the nervous and twitchy stage right now but all will be well."

Hollydaze has said:

"I can't stand my DIL - I have tried on 3 separate occasions to get on with her but she always slips back into her old, selfish, self-centred, disrespectful ways. My son is aware that she behaves this way but seems to think that I should put up with it; I disagree. She ignores me and I ignore her and it seems to work fine for us."

whenim64 has said:

"I have two great DiLs now - both couples are engaged and one will marry in a few months. I think we're doing ok - I get to socialise with DiLs independently of my sons. One is very funny, open and able to engage in banter, but struggles to ask for help and even when I offer will say 'oh no, you do enough.' Then my son will ask and she can let herself accept help - maybe over time, she'll be able to ease up - she is very busy and insists on doing massive amounts of housework, ironing several baskets worth including my son's, who is well able to do his own, washing dishes by hand instead of using the dishwasher. I'm really happy that my son has met her - his ex-wife was a complete nightmare and caused terrible trouble, and DiL's ex was irresponsible and uncaring, so they both really appreciate what they have now, as do I.

My other DIL is lovely - quiet and reserved, obviously cares deeply for my son, and is a kind, thoughtful person. She is gradually easing into our family and learning that she can lean on me if she wants or needs to. We have much in common and I feel confident that as we spend longer with each other we'll have a good relationship. I feel lucky. "

rosesarered has said:

"I get on very well with my DIL, and try not to offer advice [though sometimes it just pops out.]She is a very capable woman and gets on with things. Haven't done much babysitting yet , just the odd time, but she and DS know we are here if they need us. She is good with children, and a good cook [and bakes] so am pleased our Ds has found somebody not only to love, but is looked after [and he is a great husband and Father too.]"

MiceElf has said:

"I love my DiL to bits. She's a lovely woman, and a brilliant mother. She's a wonderful conversationalist and is very open and very caring. She's been the best thing that ever happened to our son. We do a lot of grandparent duty and it's been lovely getting to know our grandchildren so well.

Our SiL is lovely too - he's our son's closest friend and DD and he met at DS's wedding where he was best man and she was bridesmaid. Very Mills and Boon!"

annodomini has said:

"Isn't it good to hear so many tributes (apart from one obvious exception) to lovely DiLs? Usually we only hear about them if there is a complaint!"

she always slips back into her old, selfish, self-centred, disrespectful ways.

I wonder if that's what my MIL thought of me

I know she told someone else that I was too full of my own opinions, basically because I wouldn't join in with her xenophobia, and she didn't like the fact that my children were allowed to have desserts without finishing the mains, etc.

I definitely think she thought I was disrespectful but there were some things I couldn't just go along with and I was never rude about disagreeing with her.

She couldn't bear that our DD2 was named after my aunt and she refused to use her name, calling her 'madam' or 'the other one' instead. She had instructed us to give our children very short names and hated the fact that we didn't obey.

So sad when you think about it. If she'd been nicer to them and DH we would have seen a lot more of her. It's too late now.

Lots of discussion over on the Gransnet thread...

Rowantree:

"I don't have a DIL, but I do have a MIL. I try my hardest to feel affection for her, but I just find her irritating and challenging. Over the years she's taken to making disparaging comments about my weight and can be very judgmental and critical about the way we live - and she's a total nightmare to take out for a meal because something is always wrong with it, however hard we try to choose somewhere we think she will like.
I've never forgotten that she once told my DH 'She's not the kind of girl I was hoping you'd marry', but she wasn't unfriendly towards me, despite disapproving of the scruffy, weedy, gauche student I once was, so I realise she must have made an effort to like me and it must have been very difficult. In my turn, I tried very hard to win her approval when we married - throwing myself into cooking and taking a pride in making cakes and learning Jewish recipes, for example. I learned a lot from her, even though it pains me to admit it! I tried to be as supportive as I possibly could a few years ago when FIL was ill and died a short time later, but I really struggle now to find much in common with her and feel very guilty about it, especially after she commented how lucky she was that she got on with her DIL! I try constantly not to let my irritation show because I know it's my problem, not hers, but it makes me very tense and on edge. I think I still feel inadequate next to someone who was - is - THE perfect wife, homemaker, cook, gardener and dressmaker and elegant dresser - I can never live up to any of that!"

Hollydaze:

"Sorry Tegan, I'm not aware of your situation. I do commiserate though if you don't get along with your daughter-in-law, I know how that can feel. As they say in law: if you can come forward 'with clean hands', at least your conscience is clear. We can't get on with everyone "

pinkprincess:

"My DS1 has never married.
DS2 has been married twice and is now separated from second wife.

I never got on with his first wife, I soon learnt to keep my mouth shut with her and never interfere with anything.DS and her had three daughters together I always helped with childcare.They divorced when youngest was two. Ex DIL married again and suddenly withdrew my son's access to the children whom he was seeing at weekends.This nearly broke my heart as myself and DH could not see them either. He took her to court over this and got access again after two years.Relationship was still strained though but as long as we saw the children and they were happy it never seemed to matter.
DS got into another relationship, his new partner and I got on very well. They lived in my house, had a son, then got married while DIL was pregnant with their daughter.
Things went along very nicely, until three weeks ago when they admitted to having problems and decided to live apart.
I am still on good terms with DIL. The children visit regularly.
First DIL and I are now on friendly terms. The youngest of the three daughters lives with us and DS as she and her mother were having problems. This DGD is now 18 and has been a trial to say the least, and I think that because I was willing to have her in my house has healed the relationship I had with her mother.They see each other regularly and her DIL 1 and I discuss DGD's problems together.
As to my own now long departed MIL, we did not have a good relationship.She interfered with the way I cared for my children and told me that her son could have done much better if he had not married me.
Trouble was he was a mother's boy and she never thought he should get married and leave home as he was meant to keep her, a poor widow, in comfort."

harrigran:

"I had a very good relationship with my MIL, sadly she died when she was 58 and I only had her in my life for 17 years.
I love my DIL as if she were my DD and she is perfect for DS, she is just the person I would have chosen had it been an arranged marriage. DS and DIL have been together 22 years and married for 11."

Ariadne:

My 2 DsiL are lovely women who are a huge part of our lives, and I know how lucky we are to have them. (Tribute to SiL too, whom we love too!) They are very family minded, and have always made every effort to make sure we see them and the DGC as often as possible - that is, and has been a two way process, though!

We all potter around in each others' houses very comfortably; I noticed this especially when I was recently immobile and DH was 70 - the two girls and DD are great friends too. DH is the only Grandpa to DSs' children, and does he revel in it!

I am an only child, as was my mother, and I am amazed and warmed by this big family of mine, and how it operates.

I will not talk about my MiL, because I would lose it rant still. But my Step MiL was a joy."

FlicketyB:

"I loved my DMiL, we giggled at some of DH's little foibles and when DS was a few months old and he and I were unwell, she sent me upstairs for a bath and early night and then tucked me in and kissed me goodnight and informed me that she would do night duty with DS and I should get a good night's sleep, which did me a power of good. At times I found her easier to talk to than my own mother whom I loved dearly.

In turn I have a loving and happy relationship with DDil, we giggle at DS's little foibles, we share the same values and I am so glad DS managed to persuade such a lovely girl to marry him."

Winefride:

"I read on gransnet once from someone , keep your arms open and mouth shut . Good advice all around ?"

Humbertbear:

"I' m closely involved in looking after my 3 grand children but my DIL is very busy as she is the main bread winner. She is a lovely person but not my sort of person. After 13 years I wouldn't say we were friends. We respect each other and when we have a family crisis she is fantastic. I keep my mouth firmly closed. They are a happy couple and doing a good job of bringing up the children and my son is happy. That's all that matters.
I am minded that my own MiL found me an exotic strange being - a hippy from London in mini skirts and from a different religion as well. She bit her tongu and so did. I and we ended up with a warm and loving relationship. I was the one who sat on her bed and held her hand when she was dying.
We can't choose partners for our children and it is up to us to 'put up and shut up'."

My MIL is amazing, we get on really well, which is good as she is very close to my DH.

When DD was born she told me that she trusts that I'll do what's best for DD so supports whatever parenting decisions I make. After reading a few threads on here I am very grateful for that!

We talk about everything, which took a little while to get used to as my family is a bit more conservative: my father's idea of 'the sex talk' was just to say "remember you're not married yet" when I went to stay with my then fiancé.

The only time I ever bite my tongue is in relation to DH's younger brother. MIL does far too much for him and although she never complains I know it wears her out. Sometimes I hint that she should take a break, but I don't think it's my place to say more.

My MiL is wonderful, I didn't grow up with a mum of my own because I was taken off her at 4 months old and DH and I have been together since highschool. She is everything I ever wanted in a mother, she is supportive but not prying, she doesn't judge, she lives nearly and loves to be involved with the kids.

She will pop round for a coffee if she is passing for a chat and doesn't pass judgement if I haven't hoovered that day or I am still in my PJs and I like that because she is human that way, some of my friends have MiLs who announce their visit weeks in advance like you are expecting the queen and come around and want to do dusting and ironing etc so there is tension from the start.

Mine is amazing.

When people in work did the 'what are you doing at the weekend?' chat and I said that mil was coming they were always like or ...

Whereas I was doing happy cartwheels and going Yaaay

She's lovely. She's kind, supportive beyond belief and loves me - she tells me all the time.

She's amazing with dd and at 77, is as fit as I've ever been and is a pillar of the community, hugely generous with her time and money and if I'm half the woman she is, I'll be happy.

(Feeling all emotional now)

She's coming over (different part of the UK) soon and I can't wait

I have a reasonable relationship with Pils, they are interested in DS, will help us if they can etc. The relationship will never be any better because they idolise sil and we do not get on.
A few years ago sil was rotten to DS while at pils and it was DS who told me about it rather than them. As a result we had severe words which myself, DH and pils have recovered from but not
sil. We do not see too much of them as though they are local Sil and her horrible children are ALWAYS there.

I had to smile at this comment: "I never got on with his first wife, I soon learnt to keep my mouth shut with her and never interfere with anything." My MIL and I finally started getting along when she stopped criticizing so much and stopped trying to interfere with everything!

To be fair to my MIL, I am my DH's second wife, and when his first wife left, she had no idea that they'd been having problems, so their divorce came as a real shock. I think, looking back, she must have had a hard time trusting a new woman, especially with my DSD, who was very shy and sensitive and worried all the time about being "good".

That said, I also agree with a poster who said that most MIL/DIL issues are actually DH issues. My DH was a momma's boy growing up, he was shy and sensitive himself, and his DM was headstrong and opinionated (like me...). For years, he did not feel he could speak his mind to his DM without greatly upsetting her, so he avoided establishing boundaries with her. So, when she met me - a grown, independent woman who had been single for years and did not need or appreciate being "mothered" again - we clashed. Things really began to turn a corner for all of us the day he looked her in the eye after an argument and said, "You were out of line."

After she backed off, it was actually easier to listen to what she had to say. It felt a lot more like advice that we could take or leave, and a lot less like someone trying to make us do what she wanted us to do. She figured out I loved her son and her granddaughter dearly, and I figured out that she loves them dearly too. Maybe we were both just trying way too hard earlier on.

I'm on my second marriage.

My first MIL and I got on well superficially. However, she kowtowed to her husband and was always astonished and slightly irked that I did not kowtow to her eldest. In hindsight, I think that's how she coped with her overbearing husband and I feel compassionate towards her now. My XH was abusive which I'm sure she didn't want to believe.

My MIL is lovely. We come from wildly different backgrounds but can find common ground about almost any subject or have a debate. She likes the fact I have opinions, which is something she taught my DH too. We socialise away from DH. DMIL is a widow and loves musicals, which DH hates, so we go out several times a year on our own. She's perfected a 'silly old lady' persona to deal with officialdom which always makes me laugh as she's very shrewd.

We had a brief problem when DH and I were planning our wedding, and she became a bit preoccupied with my weight. I had a chat with her and explained how hurt I was at her comments, and she has said nothing about my weight since. I don't think she was being malicious, just a bit thoughtless. She is very loving (in a stiff-upper-lip way), smart and generous, and I think she's fabulous. I feel blessed to have someone like her in my life.

Comment from Hollydaze on the Gransnet thread:

"Hello Goldmandra - I'm not sure if you will see this but, as it was my quote that appeared, I thought I should respond. My DILs behaviour and yours are worlds apart - she would just let herself into my house when I wasn't here (even though I'd asked her not to) and do all her washing, using the tumble dryer, iron everything, she'd have a bath and bathe her children (my son and she do not have children of their own) to save on her bills! My son and she were in the kitchen one day when I got back from shopping and she was playing a game on my laptop; I said 'are you winning' (said with a smile) and she ignored me. I asked again, just in case she was engrossed in the game and again, she ignored me - I tried a third time with the same result. My son said to her 'mum's asked you something', without looking away from the game she said 'I know' - I looked at my son and he just shrugged. Every meal I have ever cooked for her she has hated and pulled every face under the sun and saying 'ugh, not for me'. The times she has frightened the life out of me when I have gone upstairs after having a cup of tea early in the morning and she has strolled out of my son's bedroom (they were only dating at the time) as she'd decided to drive in and 'have a sleep in his bed' (he left for work at around 7am so she turned up after he'd gone ) and I thought I was alone in the house - one particularly embarrassing time was when I had got into the bath and realised I'd left the shampoo in my bedroom (I had to hide it as she would use it, when I'd been away on holidays but not replace it and it's a specialist shampoo I can only get in Douglas or online - I can't buy it locally and she knows this), I got out of the bath, not bothering to put anything on as I thought I was alone in the house - and she suddenly appears at his bedroom door just as I am passing it - so embarrassing. Did she learn to be more considerate? No, she just kept on doing it. So many more things I could put but that is why I dislike her so much - she has no respect for anyone other than herself. If she only did the things you'd listed - I'd consider her a gift to the family!"

Oh my goodness, Hollydaze! She sounds like a nightmare and you're a saint for having put up with any of her behaviour!

Suddenly I don't feel so bad. I could never in a million years offer that lack of respect to anyone, let alone my DH's mother. I disliked a lot of what she did and an awful lot of the things she said but I could never have been openly rude to her.

She welcomed me into her house for weekends when I met DH because we lived 150 miles apart and, even though her house rules were rather bizarre, I was considerate and polite at all times.

I found the fact that she was always ready with a put-down for my DH and couldn't accept my DD2 because she was named after my aunt hard to deal with but I generally let things go and DD2's AS meant that she said the unsayable for me quite often.

I'm sad that we didn't have a better relationship and I do wonder if I could have made more effort. It just always felt too unrewarding. I have told DD1 that if I ever stop being a pleasure to visit she has to tell me and stop visiting if I don't pull my head in.

I struggle with my MIL as she has a lot of emotional issues which can make her behavior challenging at times, but I try to always remember that she adores our DS, he is lucky to have such love in his life and I would never come between that.

I also found that once I learned about her life and what she had been through it gave me a much better understanding of why she behaves the way she does and helped me be more compassionate towards her despite her challenging behavior.

My MIL is great. We get on really well and she's been really helpful the last few months whilst I've been ill. I trust 100% with my children and she's happy to follow my instructions and doesn't interfere. We call each other for chats. Right from the start she's treated me like family. She's much harder on her own daughters than she is with me, though, opinions about raising children and so on. As a MIL she's brilliant but not sure I'd feel the same way if she was my own mother.

omg @ hollydaze's DIL. i'd be changing the locks personally.

i don't have a MIL but if i had one i would hope she didn't fall into thinking that i, as a female, was now another mother to her son and his social secretary into the bargain as ex's mum's (though generally lovely) have done.

there seems to be such a common pattern of the dil being expected to sort everything out re: presents, cards, social occassions etc rather than the man dealing with his own family obligations. i'd want to be involved in the other family but for my partner to be lead on his own family iyswim. other gems from ex's mothers have been things like telling me that he needs to eat better, that i could be a good influence on x issue, that i need to remind him to do y etc. hard to stay attracted to a man and see him as an equal when you're being expected to take over/extend mummying duties by his mother and all a bit embarrassing to be honest. your son is an adult.

i think things are most strained when actually the parent and child don't have a good relationship or have a difficult history and the dil is put in the position of having to gloss over that or facilitate it - either by others or by the deluded idea that that is what she has to do as dil. people need to sort out their relationships directly and being put in, or getting in the middle leads to a lot of stress.

DPs mum is lovely, very bohemian and artistic. The DSes both adore her., especially DS1 who would see his gaga every day if he could.

We didn't get on at first - quite understandably, I had gotten pregnant with DS1 just after leaving university. and DSil was a bit of a shit stirrer
But 3 years on, we're good friends and according to DFil she considers me to be a stable, grounding influence on Dp.

She is wise, knowledgeable and helpful but never interfering or overbearing. And as an original bfing, blw (before it had the name) advocate she's always been supportive of my parenting in a way my DM isn't.