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MNHQ

Come and talk to us (and gransnetters) about the MIL/DIL relationship

11 replies

KatMumsnet · 02/07/2014 12:56

Hello

As lots of you will know, we have a sister site, Gransnet, which celebrated its third birthday recently. And we've been having a think about topics that MNers and GNers have in common, or might be able to share info on in a useful, supportive and hopefully interesting way.

Last month we collaborated with Gransnet on this thread (also here) about the perimenopause, which lots seemed to find useful.

So we thought we'd take a step into a slightly more controversial area (at least according to 1970s comedians, and a few threads MN): the relationships between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law - and top tips for how women can work together, inter-generationally, for the benefit of each other and for the DCs/GCs.

If you have a great relationship with your MIL, what advice would you pass on to others for achieving this? What's the one (constructive Grin) suggestion you'd make to anyone who finds their MIL a bit difficult?

If you could really speak your mind (perhaps you already can), what one thing would you say to your MIL - good, bad or indifferent? What does she already do that's amazingly helpful or joy-bringing or quietly constructive? And/or, what's the fly in the ointment?

And if you find your MIL difficult, and your relationship with her has broken down (or is close to doing so), is there anything either of you could do or say to start building bridges? Or are some relationships best left alone?

If you are yourself a MIL, what's it like - and how do you keep your relationship with your DIL on an even keel (if you do)?

We should stress we're not trying to foment discord here; studies show that grandparents en masse give up huge amounts of time to help with childcare and/or give financial and emotional support to their children and their partners, and lots of parents know the joy of handing over their precious darlings to the grandparents and running away having a few hours/days off.

And we're not excluding fathers-in-law or sons-in-law, either - as ever, feel free to tell us about those relationships too. But of course the DIL/MIL demographic is likely to emerge strongly from a MN/GN crossover. And we thought it would be interesting to break through the pop culture perception of MIL/DIL relationships and see how you think the land really lies (in a completely unscientific way). Of course, you may even think the whole issue is hugely overstated, and that millions of DILs and MILs all over the country are just quietly getting on with enjoying their relationships and running their lives.

There will be a parallel thread running on Gransnet about the same issue, and we'll be copying and pasting comments between the two - so if there's something you'd like to ask a community of MILs, now's your chance. And of course do feel free to get yourself a a Gransnet log-in and pop over to say hello.

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MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 02/07/2014 13:41

Over on the Gransnet thread these posters have said:

Aka:

"My son and my DiL have been together for 20 years and married for 13 of those. They have two young children that I look after on a regular basis.

I've never argued with her about anything. I'm a firm believer in keeping my mouth firmly shut unless I have something positive to say to or about her."

Elegran:

"My DiL is the third daughter I would have had if I could have had my way and had three sons and three daughters, instead of the one son and two daughters that I was blessed with. She has blended into the family while keeping her own faith and traditions, and she is exactly the right girl for my only son. She goes to her parents for their festivals and observances, but she has made Christmas dinner for ten, although Christianity is the antithesis of her beliefs.

My two son-in-laws are as different as chalk and cheese, but they each suit the daughter they married, and my relationships with them are excellent.

Of course, they all come from families with different life patterns to ours, but each couple has amalgamated their upbringings to make what fits their lifestyle, not mine.

I think that I expected to get on with them all, because I got on well with my own inlaws, and my parents got on well with both their sets of inlaws.They know I like to see them, to see my grandchildren, and to join them sometimes for school events, to be at my grandson's Uni concerts or my younger grandchildren's sports days. I see someone most weekends, and speak on the phone to others.

But I do not expect to be consulted about everything they do, or to have them constantly dancing attendance on me, or to be included in every moment of their lives. One of my grandmothers was a "difficult" woman (orphaned at 11 so she made a lot of demands on her family) Even as a child, I noticed that when we visited her, her first words were often "Well, I've seen nothing of you for three weeks!" I made up my mind never to say anything of that sort to my family when I had one.

I brought them up to be responsible adults and then set them free to live their own lives. I am happy and flattered that those lives include me."

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 02/07/2014 21:06

Lots of comments over on Gransnet...

annodomini has said:

"I knew both my sons' partners before they finally settled down to home life together and I always got on very well with them. In fact, we were and still are good friends, despite the obvious age gap. Both of them are busy working mothers and I do wish I lived close enough to have been a helpful granny. Still, they do say that 'distance lends enchantment'! I go on holiday with DS1 and family in their caravan and have never felt like excess baggage. DS2's partner and I have a lot in common and speak the same language - I'm SW Scottish and she's Northern Irish!
Best advice I can give to any prospective MiL is: NEVER give unsolicited advice!"

Tegan has said:

"Think I must be the odd one out here because I'm always there when needed, never interfere in their relationships with each other or the children and keep quiet 99.9% of the time. Yet I always feel as if I'm treading on eggshells. Could it be that there is the extra complication of not being with their father [he left] and being with a partner who also doesn't get involved other than to help out Sad? Sometimes I'm scared that any grievances will just burst out of me one day if I drop my guard."

grannyactivist has said:

"I adore my parents in law and count my mother in law as one of my closest friends; and I know that she regards me in the same way. It could all have gone pear shaped though because her son is ten years younger than me and we married when I was a divorcee with three children.

After meeting me for the first time (I joined them on a family holiday where I was accompanied by just my youngest child) I could tell that his parents liked me, but they were patently worried that the relationship was obviously a serious one and they certainly wouldn't have chosen me as their son's wife. His mother wrote to me after the holiday and expressed her reservations - and to be truthful I shared them all, but I believed that her son was an exceptional person and between us we could make the relationship work. His dad had a heart to heart talk with his son a few months later and promised him that we would have his (and his wife's) support if it was decided that I was 'the one'.

Fast forward and we have now been extremely happily married for almost 28 years. My husband's parents made a conscious decision to take me and my children to their hearts and have never wavered in giving us love and support. For my part I took time to develop the relationship at a pace we were all comfortable with and was determined to demonstrate that I am the 'right' wife for their son. (It wasn't hard - he really is my 'other half'.)

I can, and do, talk to my mother in law about anything, we're very close. My father in law is a very special man too and he and I also have a wonderful relationship.

I have two sons in law and one daughter in law. I love them all and hope to have the same relationship with my daughter in law as I have with my mother in law - so far, so good. She's my son's best friend and as they've known each other since they were seven years old and were best friends from the age of fourteen I think our relationship is on solid ground. My husband has good relationships with our sons in law (me too) and hopefully they will continue to develop over time."

ninathenana has said:

"My MiL died when I was 6mths pregnant with her first GC. I didn't have a relationship with her. Until we were engaged DH lived 50miles away from me so we spent alternate weekends at his or my parents houses. He then moved to my area, so we only saw my PiL 2-3 times a year. Consequently I didn't see enough of her to get to know her. Although she was always pleasant to my face Grin.

My only son isn't married. DD relationship with her MiL is best described as 'strained' Smile*

ninny has said:

"I love my DIL and treat her like a daughter and she calls me Mum."

mcem has said:

"Dd1 has had a couple of disastrous relationships and I didn't see either of them as a son in law. She's now with someone who looks promising so we'll see! DS won't take much longer to give me a lovely DiL, I suspect.
The really exciting bit is that I'll get my first official DiL in 2 weeks time when my daughter and her fiancee celebrate their civil partnership. She lost her mum a couple of years ago so I do feel an extra responsibility. I'll love and support both of my girls but am well aware that I can't take the place of her mother.
They are at the nervous and twitchy stage right now but all will be well."

Hollydaze has said:

"I can't stand my DIL - I have tried on 3 separate occasions to get on with her but she always slips back into her old, selfish, self-centred, disrespectful ways. My son is aware that she behaves this way but seems to think that I should put up with it; I disagree. She ignores me and I ignore her and it seems to work fine for us."

whenim64 has said:

"I have two great DiLs now - both couples are engaged and one will marry in a few months. I think we're doing ok - I get to socialise with DiLs independently of my sons. One is very funny, open and able to engage in banter, but struggles to ask for help and even when I offer will say 'oh no, you do enough.' Then my son will ask and she can let herself accept help - maybe over time, she'll be able to ease up - she is very busy and insists on doing massive amounts of housework, ironing several baskets worth including my son's, who is well able to do his own, washing dishes by hand instead of using the dishwasher. I'm really happy that my son has met her - his ex-wife was a complete nightmare and caused terrible trouble, and DiL's ex was irresponsible and uncaring, so they both really appreciate what they have now, as do I.

My other DIL is lovely - quiet and reserved, obviously cares deeply for my son, and is a kind, thoughtful person. She is gradually easing into our family and learning that she can lean on me if she wants or needs to. We have much in common and I feel confident that as we spend longer with each other we'll have a good relationship. I feel lucky. Smile"

rosesarered has said:

"I get on very well with my DIL, and try not to offer advice [though sometimes it just pops out.]She is a very capable woman and gets on with things. Haven't done much babysitting yet , just the odd time, but she and DS know we are here if they need us. She is good with children, and a good cook [and bakes] so am pleased our Ds has found somebody not only to love, but is looked after [and he is a great husband and Father too.]"

MiceElf has said:

"I love my DiL to bits. She's a lovely woman, and a brilliant mother. She's a wonderful conversationalist and is very open and very caring. She's been the best thing that ever happened to our son. We do a lot of grandparent duty and it's been lovely getting to know our grandchildren so well.

Our SiL is lovely too - he's our son's closest friend and DD and he met at DS's wedding where he was best man and she was bridesmaid. Very Mills and Boon!"

annodomini has said:

"Isn't it good to hear so many tributes (apart from one obvious exception) to lovely DiLs? Usually we only hear about them if there is a complaint!"

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 03/07/2014 12:42

Lots of discussion over on the Gransnet thread...

Rowantree:

"I don't have a DIL, but I do have a MIL. I try my hardest to feel affection for her, but I just find her irritating and challenging. Over the years she's taken to making disparaging comments about my weight and can be very judgmental and critical about the way we live - and she's a total nightmare to take out for a meal because something is always wrong with it, however hard we try to choose somewhere we think she will like.
I've never forgotten that she once told my DH 'She's not the kind of girl I was hoping you'd marry', but she wasn't unfriendly towards me, despite disapproving of the scruffy, weedy, gauche student I once was, so I realise she must have made an effort to like me and it must have been very difficult. In my turn, I tried very hard to win her approval when we married - throwing myself into cooking and taking a pride in making cakes and learning Jewish recipes, for example. I learned a lot from her, even though it pains me to admit it! I tried to be as supportive as I possibly could a few years ago when FIL was ill and died a short time later, but I really struggle now to find much in common with her and feel very guilty about it, especially after she commented how lucky she was that she got on with her DIL! I try constantly not to let my irritation show because I know it's my problem, not hers, but it makes me very tense and on edge. I think I still feel inadequate next to someone who was - is - THE perfect wife, homemaker, cook, gardener and dressmaker and elegant dresser - I can never live up to any of that!"

Hollydaze:

"Sorry Tegan, I'm not aware of your situation. I do commiserate though if you don't get along with your daughter-in-law, I know how that can feel. As they say in law: if you can come forward 'with clean hands', at least your conscience is clear. We can't get on with everyone Smile"

pinkprincess:

"My DS1 has never married.
DS2 has been married twice and is now separated from second wife.

I never got on with his first wife, I soon learnt to keep my mouth shut with her and never interfere with anything.DS and her had three daughters together I always helped with childcare.They divorced when youngest was two. Ex DIL married again and suddenly withdrew my son's access to the children whom he was seeing at weekends.This nearly broke my heart as myself and DH could not see them either. He took her to court over this and got access again after two years.Relationship was still strained though but as long as we saw the children and they were happy it never seemed to matter.
DS got into another relationship, his new partner and I got on very well. They lived in my house, had a son, then got married while DIL was pregnant with their daughter.
Things went along very nicely, until three weeks ago when they admitted to having problems and decided to live apart.
I am still on good terms with DIL. The children visit regularly.
First DIL and I are now on friendly terms. The youngest of the three daughters lives with us and DS as she and her mother were having problems. This DGD is now 18 and has been a trial to say the least, and I think that because I was willing to have her in my house has healed the relationship I had with her mother.They see each other regularly and her DIL 1 and I discuss DGD's problems together.
As to my own now long departed MIL, we did not have a good relationship.She interfered with the way I cared for my children and told me that her son could have done much better if he had not married me.
Trouble was he was a mother's boy and she never thought he should get married and leave home as he was meant to keep her, a poor widow, in comfort."

harrigran:

"I had a very good relationship with my MIL, sadly she died when she was 58 and I only had her in my life for 17 years.
I love my DIL as if she were my DD and she is perfect for DS, she is just the person I would have chosen had it been an arranged marriage. DS and DIL have been together 22 years and married for 11."

Ariadne:

My 2 DsiL are lovely women who are a huge part of our lives, and I know how lucky we are to have them. (Tribute to SiL too, whom we love too!) They are very family minded, and have always made every effort to make sure we see them and the DGC as often as possible - that is, and has been a two way process, though!

We all potter around in each others' houses very comfortably; I noticed this especially when I was recently immobile and DH was 70 - the two girls and DD are great friends too. DH is the only Grandpa to DSs' children, and does he revel in it!

I am an only child, as was my mother, and I am amazed and warmed by this big family of mine, and how it operates.

I will not talk about my MiL, because I would lose it rant still. But my Step MiL was a joy."

FlicketyB:

"I loved my DMiL, we giggled at some of DH's little foibles and when DS was a few months old and he and I were unwell, she sent me upstairs for a bath and early night and then tucked me in and kissed me goodnight and informed me that she would do night duty with DS and I should get a good night's sleep, which did me a power of good. At times I found her easier to talk to than my own mother whom I loved dearly.

In turn I have a loving and happy relationship with DDil, we giggle at DS's little foibles, we share the same values and I am so glad DS managed to persuade such a lovely girl to marry him."

Winefride:

"I read on gransnet once from someone , keep your arms open and mouth shut . Good advice all around ?"

Humbertbear:

"I' m closely involved in looking after my 3 grand children but my DIL is very busy as she is the main bread winner. She is a lovely person but not my sort of person. After 13 years I wouldn't say we were friends. We respect each other and when we have a family crisis she is fantastic. I keep my mouth firmly closed. They are a happy couple and doing a good job of bringing up the children and my son is happy. That's all that matters.
I am minded that my own MiL found me an exotic strange being - a hippy from London in mini skirts and from a different religion as well. She bit her tongu and so did. I and we ended up with a warm and loving relationship. I was the one who sat on her bed and held her hand when she was dying.
We can't choose partners for our children and it is up to us to 'put up and shut up'."

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 08/07/2014 10:28

Comment from Hollydaze on the Gransnet thread:

"Hello Goldmandra - I'm not sure if you will see this but, as it was my quote that appeared, I thought I should respond. My DILs behaviour and yours are worlds apart - she would just let herself into my house when I wasn't here (even though I'd asked her not to) and do all her washing, using the tumble dryer, iron everything, she'd have a bath and bathe her children (my son and she do not have children of their own) to save on her bills! My son and she were in the kitchen one day when I got back from shopping and she was playing a game on my laptop; I said 'are you winning' (said with a smile) and she ignored me. I asked again, just in case she was engrossed in the game and again, she ignored me - I tried a third time with the same result. My son said to her 'mum's asked you something', without looking away from the game she said 'I know' - I looked at my son and he just shrugged. Every meal I have ever cooked for her she has hated and pulled every face under the sun and saying 'ugh, not for me'. The times she has frightened the life out of me when I have gone upstairs after having a cup of tea early in the morning and she has strolled out of my son's bedroom (they were only dating at the time) as she'd decided to drive in and 'have a sleep in his bed' (he left for work at around 7am so she turned up after he'd gone Confused ) and I thought I was alone in the house - one particularly embarrassing time was when I had got into the bath and realised I'd left the shampoo in my bedroom (I had to hide it as she would use it, when I'd been away on holidays but not replace it and it's a specialist shampoo I can only get in Douglas or online - I can't buy it locally and she knows this), I got out of the bath, not bothering to put anything on as I thought I was alone in the house - and she suddenly appears at his bedroom door just as I am passing it - so embarrassing. Did she learn to be more considerate? No, she just kept on doing it. So many more things I could put but that is why I dislike her so much - she has no respect for anyone other than herself. If she only did the things you'd listed - I'd consider her a gift to the family!"

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 10/07/2014 08:35

Over on Gransnet...

Ivanova5 has said:

"I haven't got a grandchild yet - so I'm a bit sneaky coming on here. He's due in October. An I excited? No. Am I sad - very. My DIL apparently hates us. I only know there's a baby on the way through FB! I have tried to contact my son, who now ignores us in favour of his new family (MIL an SILS) I can't seem to get anyone to talk to us - the last time we saw son or DIL was at their wedding last year! (and that's a whole other story!) I was at a fair last week and saw some lovely Barbar the elephant things - and I was getting my purse out when I thought - no point, he wont be given them - so, I guess I'm here because surely there's someone else out there in a similar situation?"

J52 has said:

"I have read all the posts with interest, life is very diverse!

I am tolerated by my DILs. I can offer nothing that they do not already have - baby sitters, Grandparents for their children, friends, family etc.

I have tried to use my skills to make clothes and things for the babies; -accepted, not enthused about and never worn. I no longer do this.

This is the situation, no major fall outs, we see the GCs reasonably frequently for a couple of hours, play and make things and adore their company. That's just the way things are, accept and get on with our own lives. x"

Lilygran has said:

"My DMiL was always absolutely lovely to me. I wish I had deserved it in the early years of marriage. However, we never had a cross word because it wasn't in her nature to be critical or argue. I'm doing my best to live up to her example and fortunately, both my DDiL are such lovely women, it's not too demanding. I agree very much with several posters, one who said you both love the same man and that should give you something in common, and another who said MiL/DiL problems are really DS problems. And the poster who said you should keep your mouth shut and that applies to complaining to your DS as well!"

Stansgran has said:

"My MIL was widowed quite early on in our marriage and felt that my DH should take over her late husbands support of her. I got angry phone calls saying that she supposed my DH was cutting my mother's lawn or that she had been invited to this or that function and felt he should take her. We were at a critical stage in DH's career when he was studying for major exams and working very long hours with a young family and when cutting the grass in his own garden or going out for a drink with his own wife was very unlikely. She never accepted that I was doing my best for our family and at her funeral I was kindly told that she had always told X that she would have preferred her as her DIL. I'm surprised that it never occurred to her that I may have felt the same. As a MIL I think I have many failings but I think I get by with the SILs. I have the DGC to stay as often as they want and take them to nice places. But it's a close run thing at times especially as my idea of healthy grub is not always theirs. No not sweets but roasts and casseroles ."

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 10/07/2014 08:46

@MardyBra

Feel free to edit me for profanity if you quote me on GN btw Kat

We do allow swearing... We have the same forum/talk guidelines as you do!

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 11/07/2014 08:57

Over on Gransnet...

grandmac said:

"I married into a very different country and culture and religion but always respected my MIL. She never interfered in our lives although I know she resented me marrying her beloved youngest son. She slowly came round and when she died we had a mutually respectful relationship. She loved our children although they were the youngest of her many grandchildren and I loved her for that. My DIL has her faults (don't we all!) but we do have a good relationship and she makes my son happy and takes care of my adored grandchildren so that is enough for me."

Poppyfields69 said:

"My son and daughter in law have been together for 14 years, four of those married. We love her like our own daughter and as a Mil I keep my mouth firmly shut, do as she requires re our grandson and say nothing. Thus we have a lovely relationship!!

My advice to others is to keep your own counsel and only offer advice if asked for ;)"

Elegran said:

"AnnieGran I feel for you. You are not superwoman, and they should not expect you to be. My mother used to say that the attitude of the young was "Wear the old ones out first" and it is true.

You want to see them but you are too old for all the hassle. Are you in good health? Are they aware of how painful it is to lift a small child when you have arthritis, and how you are afraid you might drop them from your weakened arms? Would it be politic to develop a little old-age weariness when they are there next, so that your "job" as matriarch is becoming too much for you to carry out unsupported?

Is there space beside your house for a little caravan? They can be bought second-hand for a few hundred pounds, and modern ones are insulated and comfortable. As a compromise, that could become a study, and be lockable against grandchildren's little hands. Perhaps stepson and daughter-in-law could help you to carry out all your books and equipment before the "spare room" is commissioned - they will then see just how much stuff it takes to study. They have probably forgotten. They might also see how the arthritis affects your ability to do things, and how your husband's heart complaint stops him from helping you.

Do your Stepson and DiL understand that much as you love your family, you have a life of your own too, and your BA is a goal that you are working hard towards, not a timefiller hobby that you can do when you fancy it and put away at will? When they were studying hard, everything was done to help them, now you need their help. You are more than a useful babysitter for them, you are a person in your own right. They should be proud of you, as you are of them, not put down your ambition as something you don't need. You do need it. And you need to see them, but not to be a slave."

AnnieGran said:

"I usually only read the messages - sorry if I get the abbreviations wrong. The In Law narrative is striking.
May I ask for advice? My DH and I found and saved each other after horrible divorces - me from my second marriage, my first husband having died leaving me with my DD and 2DS.

My DH's DS came to live with us at 16, he was very welcome, a polite, handsome and very clever boy. He left for uni at 18 and didn't live at home again, had good jobs in Europe. Didn't visit often. Sadly his own M died during this time and he looked after her till the end. We were proud of him.

Meanwhile we had other tragedies in the family, but were blessed with 6 lovely GC who we saw as much as possible. My DH is accepted as GD, the only one they have known on our side. They are now between 23 and 14, we have moved near to them and are on a popping round relationship with everybody whilst previously we put them up for lengthy holidays. We had the energy then.

DH's DS now has a very beautiful and loving wife from a different culture, she is devout but modern, and two small delightful lovable C. We stayed at their French house last year for a holiday and they were very hospitable. We had to use all our savings, we are not comfortably off. It was worth it to see the babies.

Here comes the problem - we have changed, we are old now, DH has a heart complaint and I have arthritis, I can't even pick the baby up from the floor. We live in a nice little house with one bedroom plus a small room I use as an office because, at last, after all these years, I am at uni myself, getting my long awaited degree, 2 thirds finished, whilst DH happily does his hobbies, one of which is superb cooking, lucky me.

Step DS and DiL came over for 2 weeks the Christmas before last with baby GS and it nearly killed us. They visited friends whilst we babysat. We still had a spare room then. They want to keep coming. They say why can't 'she', that's me, move her books and stuff out of her office and let them sleep there. They both have MAs. They can't understand why I want to get my humble BA at my age. They say that DiL's academic family love to have them to stay any time and so should we. I had a lecture from DiL about my duties as the matriarch.

My step S looks back at the big family Christmases we had in our big house and thinks we are rejecting him and our DiL agrees. We were happy once to boast we would never have to do Christmas hosting again, but share ourselves out between the younger families, when invited - and we are invited, and the in laws are great and spoil us and the GCs chat to us and we don't have to do anything, not just Christmas, all the year. Brilliant. Actually we are only 70, but the poor old bodies have not fared well, minds are still sharp.

What has happened is that my poor step S waited too long, he is nearly 40, and now he wants to join the party, the party has gone. This is obviously a multi layered story with a lot left out. If he doesn't let up on his F it will break his kind heart. Can anyone help?"

SueDomin said:

"I have two lovely dil's who, best of all, make my sons happy. They have both been in our lives for nearly 15yrs now and I can't imagine them not being there. Sadly, I live a long way from both sons so don't see them that often but they enhance the lives of everyone in our family.

My mil has just died, in her 90's. We got off to a rocky start but overcame it and I was truly sad to lose her."

annadomini said:

"You are of the same mind as I am, kazlau. My DS1's wife and DS2's partner are like the daughters I never had, though I'd never try to take the place of their own mums, of course."

kazulu said:

"My own mother told me to make a friend of my son's wife. I was 20 at the time and had no children! I never forgot what she said and I did exactly that 25 years later. It wasn't hard as my DIL is a lovely girl. Offer help not criticism. She suffered horribly from PND after my first grandson and my daughters and I cooked for their fridge, did their laundry and took the dogs for their walks. My son worked 6 days a week so we felt we owed it to them both to help out. I now class my DIL as another daughter (my own daughters think if her as a sister) . We are rewarded with a beautifully close bond with my grandchildren/niece and nephew. My DIL and I had a day trip to Newcastle together recently. No kids, just the two of us! Your relationship is what you make it. Make a friend of her and let her set the pace."

GrandmaH said:

I have 2 wonderful DILs. I even still see one of my DIL although she & my son no longer live together- they do very well managing children between them with no rows or problems & I feel both families need to help out.
I think a MIL needs to be very careful- I never criticise or offer advice if not asked for. I am fully aware that Mum comes first & that is just the way it is. If I had had a daughter I would be the one in that position.
I am so very lucky & they both treat me so well & I was fully involved in planning weddings & childcare etc.
I can honestly say I love both my DILs & think of them as the daughters I never had. But I am very aware that this is a special relationship & I hope I respect that.
I think if you want to stay close to your sons you need to make a friend of your DIL & mine have made that very easy- I am blessed!

Nonnie said:

"My MiL died a few months after we got married. She had found it difficult to lose her only son but we got on very well eventually.

I have 3 DiLs and get on brilliantly with 2 of them and all their families too. They come and stay with us sometimes and it feels like we have gained 2 extra families. Then there is the other one! She was fine when we paid for the wedding, fine when we contributed to the costs associated with a first baby, then it all went wrong. She found every reason to look for trouble and made up complete lies, first about me then over time the rest of the family. Eventually after she had her 2 children she decided she no longer needed DS. She hit him and then called the police and said he hit her. She has driven him close to suicide. DS said she just wanted a sperm donor as her biological clock was ticking, maybe he was right. I never knew such people as her existed."

GrandmaH said:

"I have 2 wonderful DILs. I even still see one of my DIL although she & my son no longer live together- they do very well managing children between them with no rows or problems & I feel both families need to help out.
I think a MIL needs to be very careful- I never criticise or offer advice if not asked for. I am fully aware that Mum comes first & that is just the way it is. If I had had a daughter I would be the one in that position.
I am so very lucky & they both treat me so well & I was fully involved in planning weddings & childcare etc.
I can honestly say I love both my DILs & think of them as the daughters I never had. But I am very aware that this is a special relationship & I hope I respect that.
I think if you want to stay close to your sons you need to make a friend of your DIL & mine have made that very easy- I am blessed!"

ceejayblue said:

"I had a wonderful MIL and we were very close and it was dreadful when she died. When my children got into relationships I tried to be a good MIL and I think I succeeded. My SIL says he loves me like his mum and is so good and appreciates things that OH and I do for them and we have a great relationship.

My soon to be ex DIL however, is a different kettle of fish. She was 16 when she started going out with my then 20 year old son and virtually stalked him to get him to go out with her. I wasn't totally keen on her but accepted her into our family (she was similar to us in that she is very tactile and loving) but she was always a high flyer, where our son is not. She progressed in her job and when she got pregnant with their son, things started to changed. She developed PND, and may son gave up his deputy manager's job to go part time so that he could help her. It did turn out though that she was more concerned about getting back to work and ended up going back and having an affair (yes some may say its because she had been depressed, but I'm not so sure about that in her case) and moved in with a younger guy. Told my son he wasn't the man she married. She didn't want to take their son with her (thankfully!) as she knew our son was a better parent than her. Two years down the line she's now living 90 mins away with another partner - who has 3 kids and works over 2 hours away. She sees our grandson at weekends and at one point was threatening to take him off our son when he reached school age and put him in a private school! Just because she said she didn't want him to go to a local school here! Although she now realises that it would mean she would have to have him living with her and it would affect her life and work which means more to her!

I cannot speak to her above a polite hello and how are you, she has turned our son's life upside down, contributes nothing at the moment to her son's upbringing and our son has had to find a flat and claim HB because he cannot go back to work full time (he works in a shop but trained also to be a childcare worker in nursery/school which he would like to move into). His ex told him that she feels that we are not good enough to help to bring her child up because we are not ambitious enough! Plus she said that if anything happened to both of them, where they needed someone to care for him that we wouldn't be allowed to help. I've gone from someone who thought that she was an ok person, who I had come to be fond of over the 10 years they were together, to absolutely loathing her.

Sorry this is long but the way she has behaved over the last 2.5years, late for visits, bringing him back late and generally being mean to our son I really can't wait for the divorce to go through and our son will then be able to move on. He is a wonderful father and his son is so lucky to have him as his main carer."

othergranny said:

"I have a very good relationship with one of my DILs who lives overseas. We email and skype regularly. I don't often see my other DIL now that I no longer look after my grandchildren every week. I feel perhaps as I'm not useful any more except for holidays and emergencies, they don't see why I need to be part of their lives. A bit sad but what you can't change you have to accept with good grace. I still have a wonderful relationship with the grandchildren which is the most important thing."

HollyDaze said:

"Oh Mercythompson - your post made my eyes fill with tears, I wish I had words of wisdom to impart that would help you but I don't. Just keep being strong not only for your children but also for yourself "

Holly Daze said:

"SholerAndChocolate

My MIL also favours my eldest dd and ds (first born son and first born daughter) meaning poor dd2 gets left out and forgotten. It breaks my heart and creates contention.

I'm not surprised that it breaks your heart - although it isn't unusual to feel closer to one child, to let it be known is appalling behaviour, especially to your youngest daughter. Your MiL should be treating them all equally."

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 12/07/2014 09:01

On Gransnet:

AnnieGran said:

"Thank you Elegran. The messages relating to different cultures are helpful. I have been thinking that culture, distance, occasional infirmity and lack of space and funds have been responsible.

After re reading my post and having a good ponder, I think I have been so wrong. The issue is between DH and his DS, much because of not daring to take the lid off unspoken issues of that little boy growing up without his F, (not DH's fault). Why can't we English actually talk to each other? It really has nothing to do with DiL and me, and I am going to make sure she and I can get on together and let the chaps do whatever chaps do.

All the posts have been so interesting and helpful - what to do and what not to do. Both my locally based DiLs are lovely and are great mothers, as is my DD, and I will try and bring them into this, emails, Skype, and make the overseas DiL feel she belongs. Grans can smugly carry on thinking that everything is fine then suddenly everything is off track. So glad I found this thread.

Thanks again - isn't Gransnet great?"

Funnygran said:

"So interesting reading all the comments, having 2 DIL's and a 90 year old MIL!. With MIL we've had our moments - we are the only direct family members who don't live within daily visiting distance so although she complains of a bad memory she knows exactly how long it is since we visited! But things have mellowed really, 45 years ago when I got married I really felt I was stealing the apple of her eye from under her nose. My own mother died when I was only in my 30's so I deep down I do appreciate having had a grandma for my children.
I've tried so hard to be a supportive MIL without interfering and really don't know if I've succeeded. One of the comments I read on here was about someone 'walking on eggshells' and with one of the girls I know exactly what was meant. My son works away through the week and with their first child due shortly I've let them know that I'm around in case of emergencies and my husband has helped with putting up (and buying!!) baby furniture etc. Was a bit hurt to find out from my daughter that I won't be seeing the baby until the other grandma has flown into the UK and seen it first. (My son is apparently very uncomfortable about this arrangement so I don't feel that I can bring it up really). After due consideration probably best to keep my cool, keep quiet and enjoy the cuddles when it's my turn."

AnnieGran said:

"Oh, Funnygran. How unkind to make you wait till the other grandma sees the baby first. They must be feeling very insecure to behave like that. You are being very wise and patient - good luck with that and with the new baby when it is finally your turn."

MNHQ

RowanMumsnet · 14/07/2014 09:34

Hello

Just to let you know, Gransnet are going to be running a Q&A with Relate and The Grandparents' Association on the topic of relationship breakdown within grandparent-parent relationships, and how these situations can affect grandchildren/children. Do pop over and add a question if you'd like to.

Many thanks for all your thoughts so far.

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 15/07/2014 10:30

Over on the Gransnet thread, Pollaidh has said:

"when it comes to the bringing up of children, The Parents are always right, even when they are clearly wrong. Grin"

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 18/07/2014 10:57

On the Gransnet thread, FlicketyB has said:

"I think we sometimes invest too much time and effort trying to analyse how relationships ought to work.

In normal life we do not like everyone we meet, at work and out we meet people who are mean, miserable, opinionated, interfering, charming, a joy to know, kind and considerate. Just because you love a man or your sons/daughters love their partners it isn't going to follow that all their relatives are equally delightful. Any relatives they have will be a mixed bunch, some will be delightful some will not, no different from ordinary life. I was fortunate, my in laws were delightful, although I didn't like some of the wider family and DDiL is delightful as is her family.

However my paternal grandmother did not like my mother and visited that dislike on me because I was too like her. Our personalities couldn't have been more different and antagonistic. I realised this quite young and it never bothered me.

I think people just expect too much of the Mil/DiL relationship. If you do not get on with your Mil/DiL, you probably wouldn't have got on had you met outside the family relationship. You probably have relations of your own that are not your cup of tea. Back off, cool down and stop feeling guilty or angry because the relationship doesn't work. It will probably do it a power of good."

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