Come and talk to us (and gransnetters) about the MIL/DIL relationship

[KatMumsnet]

Hello

As lots of you will know, we have a sister site, Gransnet, which celebrated its third birthday recently. And we've been having a think about topics that MNers and GNers have in common, or might be able to share info on in a useful, supportive and hopefully interesting way.

Last month we collaborated with Gransnet on this thread (also here) about the perimenopause, which lots seemed to find useful.

So we thought we'd take a step into a slightly more controversial area (at least according to 1970s comedians, and a few threads MN): the relationships between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law - and top tips for how women can work together, inter-generationally, for the benefit of each other and for the DCs/GCs.

If you have a great relationship with your MIL, what advice would you pass on to others for achieving this? What's the one (constructive ) suggestion you'd make to anyone who finds their MIL a bit difficult?

If you could really speak your mind (perhaps you already can), what one thing would you say to your MIL - good, bad or indifferent? What does she already do that's amazingly helpful or joy-bringing or quietly constructive? And/or, what's the fly in the ointment?

And if you find your MIL difficult, and your relationship with her has broken down (or is close to doing so), is there anything either of you could do or say to start building bridges? Or are some relationships best left alone?

If you are yourself a MIL, what's it like - and how do you keep your relationship with your DIL on an even keel (if you do)?

We should stress we're not trying to foment discord here; studies show that grandparents en masse give up huge amounts of time to help with childcare and/or give financial and emotional support to their children and their partners, and lots of parents know the joy of handing over their precious darlings to the grandparents and running away having a few hours/days off.

And we're not excluding fathers-in-law or sons-in-law, either - as ever, feel free to tell us about those relationships too. But of course the DIL/MIL demographic is likely to emerge strongly from a MN/GN crossover. And we thought it would be interesting to break through the pop culture perception of MIL/DIL relationships and see how you think the land really lies (in a completely unscientific way). Of course, you may even think the whole issue is hugely overstated, and that millions of DILs and MILs all over the country are just quietly getting on with enjoying their relationships and running their lives.

There will be a parallel thread running on Gransnet about the same issue, and we'll be copying and pasting comments between the two - so if there's something you'd like to ask a community of MILs, now's your chance. And of course do feel free to get yourself a a Gransnet log-in and pop over to say hello.

My MIL never had a MIL so I feel that it's hard for her to put herself in my shoes. She's not very chatty (whereas I am) and she often defers to her DH on family issues, which makes getting to know her quite difficult as I never really know what her opinions are. DH will say "mum likes..." but it's so hard to get to know someone through their child as their relationship is implicit.

We've been together 13 years, married for 2 but I still feel a bit like a stranger, although I'm hoping our relationship will improve in time.

Some advice on how to improve things would be welcome as we have plenty of misunderstandings based on ignorance of each other.

My relationship with my MIL is great. my saying is that "she never annoys me any more than my own mother does" (I love my own mum dearly too but IMO all family members irk each other from time to time - that's just part of it).

MIL is older and not as fit & healthy as my own mum but does help out whenever she can.

I also treat her with respect and try to make everything concerning the grandchildren fair/equal for both mum and MIL (e.g. if I email my mum some pics of the boys, I do the same for MIL). I also do her little favours when I can like bringing batch cooked meals/soup/cake which she really appreciates.

Similarly, my MIL is quick to compliment and be grateful for the above and would equally treat me in a similar way to her own daughter where it's appropriate.

I think it's really a common courtesy to your DH to make an effort with his family (as long as they're not monsters!). THey are part of who he is as much as you/his children are.

I'm incredibly lucky with my MiL. Despite the fact that I wouldn't have been the person she would have picked for her DS (for religious reasons), she has never been anything but lovely to me. When DH and I decided to live together she didn't like it, but also felt it was our business not hers. She is a strong woman, with very clear beliefs - but she is so respectful and kind that this is no barrier to our relationship. I see the love she has for her DS, and for our family, and I know how lucky I am. I also like shopping and lunching with her and I know she enjoys our outings too. It's an important bond that has evolved over time and I wish she lived closer so we could see her more.

Over on Gransnet...

grandmac said:

"I married into a very different country and culture and religion but always respected my MIL. She never interfered in our lives although I know she resented me marrying her beloved youngest son. She slowly came round and when she died we had a mutually respectful relationship. She loved our children although they were the youngest of her many grandchildren and I loved her for that. My DIL has her faults (don't we all!) but we do have a good relationship and she makes my son happy and takes care of my adored grandchildren so that is enough for me."

Poppyfields69 said:

"My son and daughter in law have been together for 14 years, four of those married. We love her like our own daughter and as a Mil I keep my mouth firmly shut, do as she requires re our grandson and say nothing. Thus we have a lovely relationship!!

My advice to others is to keep your own counsel and only offer advice if asked for ;)"

Elegran said:

"AnnieGran I feel for you. You are not superwoman, and they should not expect you to be. My mother used to say that the attitude of the young was "Wear the old ones out first" and it is true.

You want to see them but you are too old for all the hassle. Are you in good health? Are they aware of how painful it is to lift a small child when you have arthritis, and how you are afraid you might drop them from your weakened arms? Would it be politic to develop a little old-age weariness when they are there next, so that your "job" as matriarch is becoming too much for you to carry out unsupported?

Is there space beside your house for a little caravan? They can be bought second-hand for a few hundred pounds, and modern ones are insulated and comfortable. As a compromise, that could become a study, and be lockable against grandchildren's little hands. Perhaps stepson and daughter-in-law could help you to carry out all your books and equipment before the "spare room" is commissioned - they will then see just how much stuff it takes to study. They have probably forgotten. They might also see how the arthritis affects your ability to do things, and how your husband's heart complaint stops him from helping you.

Do your Stepson and DiL understand that much as you love your family, you have a life of your own too, and your BA is a goal that you are working hard towards, not a timefiller hobby that you can do when you fancy it and put away at will? When they were studying hard, everything was done to help them, now you need their help. You are more than a useful babysitter for them, you are a person in your own right. They should be proud of you, as you are of them, not put down your ambition as something you don't need. You do need it. And you need to see them, but not to be a slave."

AnnieGran said:

"I usually only read the messages - sorry if I get the abbreviations wrong. The In Law narrative is striking.
May I ask for advice? My DH and I found and saved each other after horrible divorces - me from my second marriage, my first husband having died leaving me with my DD and 2DS.

My DH's DS came to live with us at 16, he was very welcome, a polite, handsome and very clever boy. He left for uni at 18 and didn't live at home again, had good jobs in Europe. Didn't visit often. Sadly his own M died during this time and he looked after her till the end. We were proud of him.

Meanwhile we had other tragedies in the family, but were blessed with 6 lovely GC who we saw as much as possible. My DH is accepted as GD, the only one they have known on our side. They are now between 23 and 14, we have moved near to them and are on a popping round relationship with everybody whilst previously we put them up for lengthy holidays. We had the energy then.

DH's DS now has a very beautiful and loving wife from a different culture, she is devout but modern, and two small delightful lovable C. We stayed at their French house last year for a holiday and they were very hospitable. We had to use all our savings, we are not comfortably off. It was worth it to see the babies.

Here comes the problem - we have changed, we are old now, DH has a heart complaint and I have arthritis, I can't even pick the baby up from the floor. We live in a nice little house with one bedroom plus a small room I use as an office because, at last, after all these years, I am at uni myself, getting my long awaited degree, 2 thirds finished, whilst DH happily does his hobbies, one of which is superb cooking, lucky me.

Step DS and DiL came over for 2 weeks the Christmas before last with baby GS and it nearly killed us. They visited friends whilst we babysat. We still had a spare room then. They want to keep coming. They say why can't 'she', that's me, move her books and stuff out of her office and let them sleep there. They both have MAs. They can't understand why I want to get my humble BA at my age. They say that DiL's academic family love to have them to stay any time and so should we. I had a lecture from DiL about my duties as the matriarch.

My step S looks back at the big family Christmases we had in our big house and thinks we are rejecting him and our DiL agrees. We were happy once to boast we would never have to do Christmas hosting again, but share ourselves out between the younger families, when invited - and we are invited, and the in laws are great and spoil us and the GCs chat to us and we don't have to do anything, not just Christmas, all the year. Brilliant. Actually we are only 70, but the poor old bodies have not fared well, minds are still sharp.

What has happened is that my poor step S waited too long, he is nearly 40, and now he wants to join the party, the party has gone. This is obviously a multi layered story with a lot left out. If he doesn't let up on his F it will break his kind heart. Can anyone help?"

SueDomin said:

"I have two lovely dil's who, best of all, make my sons happy. They have both been in our lives for nearly 15yrs now and I can't imagine them not being there. Sadly, I live a long way from both sons so don't see them that often but they enhance the lives of everyone in our family.

My mil has just died, in her 90's. We got off to a rocky start but overcame it and I was truly sad to lose her."

annadomini said:

"You are of the same mind as I am, kazlau. My DS1's wife and DS2's partner are like the daughters I never had, though I'd never try to take the place of their own mums, of course."

kazulu said:

"My own mother told me to make a friend of my son's wife. I was 20 at the time and had no children! I never forgot what she said and I did exactly that 25 years later. It wasn't hard as my DIL is a lovely girl. Offer help not criticism. She suffered horribly from PND after my first grandson and my daughters and I cooked for their fridge, did their laundry and took the dogs for their walks. My son worked 6 days a week so we felt we owed it to them both to help out. I now class my DIL as another daughter (my own daughters think if her as a sister) . We are rewarded with a beautifully close bond with my grandchildren/niece and nephew. My DIL and I had a day trip to Newcastle together recently. No kids, just the two of us! Your relationship is what you make it. Make a friend of her and let her set the pace."

GrandmaH said:

I have 2 wonderful DILs. I even still see one of my DIL although she & my son no longer live together- they do very well managing children between them with no rows or problems & I feel both families need to help out.
I think a MIL needs to be very careful- I never criticise or offer advice if not asked for. I am fully aware that Mum comes first & that is just the way it is. If I had had a daughter I would be the one in that position.
I am so very lucky & they both treat me so well & I was fully involved in planning weddings & childcare etc.
I can honestly say I love both my DILs & think of them as the daughters I never had. But I am very aware that this is a special relationship & I hope I respect that.
I think if you want to stay close to your sons you need to make a friend of your DIL & mine have made that very easy- I am blessed!

Nonnie said:

"My MiL died a few months after we got married. She had found it difficult to lose her only son but we got on very well eventually.

I have 3 DiLs and get on brilliantly with 2 of them and all their families too. They come and stay with us sometimes and it feels like we have gained 2 extra families. Then there is the other one! She was fine when we paid for the wedding, fine when we contributed to the costs associated with a first baby, then it all went wrong. She found every reason to look for trouble and made up complete lies, first about me then over time the rest of the family. Eventually after she had her 2 children she decided she no longer needed DS. She hit him and then called the police and said he hit her. She has driven him close to suicide. DS said she just wanted a sperm donor as her biological clock was ticking, maybe he was right. I never knew such people as her existed."

GrandmaH said:

"I have 2 wonderful DILs. I even still see one of my DIL although she & my son no longer live together- they do very well managing children between them with no rows or problems & I feel both families need to help out.
I think a MIL needs to be very careful- I never criticise or offer advice if not asked for. I am fully aware that Mum comes first & that is just the way it is. If I had had a daughter I would be the one in that position.
I am so very lucky & they both treat me so well & I was fully involved in planning weddings & childcare etc.
I can honestly say I love both my DILs & think of them as the daughters I never had. But I am very aware that this is a special relationship & I hope I respect that.
I think if you want to stay close to your sons you need to make a friend of your DIL & mine have made that very easy- I am blessed!"

ceejayblue said:

"I had a wonderful MIL and we were very close and it was dreadful when she died. When my children got into relationships I tried to be a good MIL and I think I succeeded. My SIL says he loves me like his mum and is so good and appreciates things that OH and I do for them and we have a great relationship.

My soon to be ex DIL however, is a different kettle of fish. She was 16 when she started going out with my then 20 year old son and virtually stalked him to get him to go out with her. I wasn't totally keen on her but accepted her into our family (she was similar to us in that she is very tactile and loving) but she was always a high flyer, where our son is not. She progressed in her job and when she got pregnant with their son, things started to changed. She developed PND, and may son gave up his deputy manager's job to go part time so that he could help her. It did turn out though that she was more concerned about getting back to work and ended up going back and having an affair (yes some may say its because she had been depressed, but I'm not so sure about that in her case) and moved in with a younger guy. Told my son he wasn't the man she married. She didn't want to take their son with her (thankfully!) as she knew our son was a better parent than her. Two years down the line she's now living 90 mins away with another partner - who has 3 kids and works over 2 hours away. She sees our grandson at weekends and at one point was threatening to take him off our son when he reached school age and put him in a private school! Just because she said she didn't want him to go to a local school here! Although she now realises that it would mean she would have to have him living with her and it would affect her life and work which means more to her!

I cannot speak to her above a polite hello and how are you, she has turned our son's life upside down, contributes nothing at the moment to her son's upbringing and our son has had to find a flat and claim HB because he cannot go back to work full time (he works in a shop but trained also to be a childcare worker in nursery/school which he would like to move into). His ex told him that she feels that we are not good enough to help to bring her child up because we are not ambitious enough! Plus she said that if anything happened to both of them, where they needed someone to care for him that we wouldn't be allowed to help. I've gone from someone who thought that she was an ok person, who I had come to be fond of over the 10 years they were together, to absolutely loathing her.

Sorry this is long but the way she has behaved over the last 2.5years, late for visits, bringing him back late and generally being mean to our son I really can't wait for the divorce to go through and our son will then be able to move on. He is a wonderful father and his son is so lucky to have him as his main carer."

othergranny said:

"I have a very good relationship with one of my DILs who lives overseas. We email and skype regularly. I don't often see my other DIL now that I no longer look after my grandchildren every week. I feel perhaps as I'm not useful any more except for holidays and emergencies, they don't see why I need to be part of their lives. A bit sad but what you can't change you have to accept with good grace. I still have a wonderful relationship with the grandchildren which is the most important thing."

HollyDaze said:

"Oh Mercythompson - your post made my eyes fill with tears, I wish I had words of wisdom to impart that would help you but I don't. Just keep being strong not only for your children but also for yourself "

Holly Daze said:

"SholerAndChocolate

My MIL also favours my eldest dd and ds (first born son and first born daughter) meaning poor dd2 gets left out and forgotten. It breaks my heart and creates contention.

I'm not surprised that it breaks your heart - although it isn't unusual to feel closer to one child, to let it be known is appalling behaviour, especially to your youngest daughter. Your MiL should be treating them all equally."

I like my MIL.

It was rocky at first. DH's family is very reserved and conservative and I am not. And DH was going to school far away when we first started dating so they didn't see me often or know me well.

When we got engaged and I planned the wedding I guess she felt left out (heard that through the grapevine) because I just got on with what I wanted and didn't involve her as much as I could have.

But then I got pregnant completely by accident almost immediately after getting married, and after DS was born we got along much better.

I think she likes me because I am firm with my DC...her other dil is very wishy washy with hers and they talk back a lot, which MIL hates. Also my two will eat anything which MIL thinks is down to some wonderful parenting on my part but of course they just came that way. :)

We aren't really close (we never hang out just the two of us or anything like that) but we like each other and can chat and joke easily.

The thing I appreciate most is what a lot of others have said: she keeps her mouth shut. She's never said a critical word to me in the 11 years we've been a part of each other's lives. We live close to them and she watches the DC whenever we ask.

I try to make an effort and do things that will please her. She works in an assisted living home and once a month or so the DC and I bake treats and go visit her at work. I make sure the DC are in nice outfits and on their best behavior so she can show them off a bit. And we have coffee and our treats and chat with the residents and MIL just beams the whole time.

So I guess it's just little things. We are both always polite and that goes a long way. Also my own mother drives me to distraction with her "advice" so my reserved MIL looks mighty good by comparison! :o

I don't have much of a relationship with my MIL, despite really trying to get to know her at the beginning. My DH isn't very keen on going to see her (she always has a huge list of jobs for him to do, criticizes his parenting/whatever she can find to comment on).

I totally gave up after the time we rang up to check she'd be in, went over at the time she'd said, and she was out. We waited for half an hour, tried to phone her, then gave up and went home (an hour's journey). She rang, much later that evening, to ask where we were. DH said that happened quite often to him when he took DC to see her while I was at work...

I don't mind her as a person, but DH has a big chip on his shoulder about her favoring his sibling. I'm not about to interfere, so I encourage him to go and see her/phone if he's not been in touch for a while, but otherwise leave it up to him. I think she thinks it's my fault he doesn't come over more - if only she knew that the only reason he comes as often as he does, is because I'm encouraging him!!!!!

My MIL is very nice, FIL is a bit more fiery. She does have serious food issues (eats enough to live, but that's about it, doesn't eat in front of people unless it's Christmas or some kind of special event), which I sometimes see coming through in the way she talks to my son (saying he must be full after a quarter of a sandwich, for example), and she's frail for her age as a result. No one talks to her about the fact she is clearly far too thin, and I don't approach it either. Just makes me think twice about sending him there to stay over, but other than that our relationship is good and she'll ring me when my husband is away to check I'm okay.

We're not especially close or distant. I do wish they'd vacuum their house. They have a cat I'm badly allergic to but because it's 'only sneezing' (and wheezing and sore eyes and being ill for days after) they brush up at most. But I'm a bit of a slattern so can't complain too much.

No one's perfect are they? I'm a lot closer to my mum and she is brilliant with engaging with my son and has lots of appropriate toys and bits at her house, but she's more likely to spoil grandchildren with sweets, and she does like a drink of an evening (borderline too much drink every evening). At this point they're both family, and to an extent (unless abusive/damaging), you take them as you get em.

My XMIL was kind but had a nasty tongue at times even to her own children. I put this down to her own mum having died when she was 4yo and being brought up in foster homes. They came from a different county and they always referred to people from my county as being mad and not like the people at home.

She always seemed to favour her eldest son and her only daughter above my XH. He was a "mistake". She criticized everything that he did and generally destroyed his self confidence.

When I was pregnant we went to tell her after the scan and she said "oh you're not are you" :( We were 35 and 43, married with our own home and good jobs, so it wasn't a disaster.

She criticised the way I brought up my DD and criticised me for working part time, yet gave her own daughter money because she didnt work and was on benefits.

I had to constantly bite my tongue when with her as I wanted to keep the peace for my then H's sake as his previous gf wouldn't even go to see his mum.

If she telephoned, she would say "is he there" and if I said no, she would say bye and hang up, no chat for me!

I always made sure that XH rang her regularly and we went to see her every week, yet it was never appreciated.

When XH walked out suddenly on me and then 4yo DD, she said "oh well, these things happen". I had no contact with her then for 2 years.

Recently my XBIL was diagnosed with cancer and passed away just 3 weeks later. When I heard he was ill, I went to see XMIL and spent 2 hours with her. She was devastated. We also talked a lot about the divorce and the fact that XH had an affair with his best friends wife, which he had denied at the time of leaving. She still doesn't think that he was wrong to have been texting another woman thousands of times before he left, but she does accept that he had an affair behind his friends back after leaving me.

I now keep in contact with her and try to get on with her as a person, now that she is no longer my MIL, it is a lot easier as I don't care any more what her opinion is of me and my life.

My MIL was nice to me, and despite being very different we got along fine. We both made a conscious effort to find common ground and stay there. We could pass the time together quite easily and she was delighted, helpful and supportive to me when grandchildren came along.

The problem was, she didn't like her son very much, and treated him poorly (until the grandchildren, after which she was more careful). He was the family scapegoat and his sibling was the Golden Child. So our relationship never developed. I was nice to her, but didn't trust or respect her, because she treated my husband like crap and had the gall to be surprised when I stuck up for him. She often hinted, but never quite dared say, that she was surprised I'd married him.

I was never going to be friends with someone who could do that.

My MIL is a perfectly nice lady but just isn't interested in us or her grand kids.

We visited when dd1 was 3 months old. We were there for 2 nights. First night her and her husband (Dhs stepdad of about 5 years) went out for dinner - just the 2 of them so not meeting friends etc)
Left us in the house with not a lot of food and he baby. Ended up with DH driving round to find a takeaway place while I sat in a strange empty house with a baby.

Came down to visit 2 weeks before dd2 was due. Didn't help out at all with dd1 - wouldn't even play with her or help doing a jigsaw. She was 2.5.
Didn't meet dd2 until she was about 6 months.

Etc
etc.

Are now spending a week in a cottage about 30 miles from us on holiday in a month or so. I suggested the dds - now 10 and 7 would love to see them they just grunted. So that's a no then.

I would say what hurts dh is how they are with the rest of the family.
they have their other grandchild (on FILs side) 4 days after school every week. Step BIL's kids they drive 400 miles to watch for the entire 2 week Easter holidays - we are sort of in the mdlle between them and sbil so they visited us on the Monday on the way home when the schools were back. But no they didn't want to pick up from school so girls went to childminder as usual. So they saw them for about 3 hours between cm and bed.

It can go weeks between phone calls - its only when DH calls them they speak.

On the other hand. Step mil and fil are ace. They visit us, we visit them and interact with the dds. They had the girls for 3 nights last summer which they all enjoyed but tbh it was too much for them. They aren't in the best of health but would drop everything for us and the girls.

They now email dd1 regularly (daily really) and she emails them back. Dd sends them videos of her doing things like playing her instrument or pictures of her with a certificate etc and they love it.
Step MIL sends her links to things she has spent time searching for online that she thinks she would like - videos of cats falling off shelves mainly...
They know what she is doing, remember and then email her to ask her "how did your maths test go" or "how was the party" type questions. Just the small day to day stuff but they are starting to get very close which is lovely.

I can see this building as dd gets older and will include dd2 when she gets older and stops watching frozen parodies on YouTube excessively

They are fab.

I did get along with my MIL until DH, DD and I moved in with her 2 months ago before our new house is ready. Now she drives me absolutely insane. And I have a feeling I'm the same for her.

It's been difficult. My FIL passed away 2 years ago, and since then she's had to deal with living on her own. She's got a dog whom she treata like a person-except this dog is very hyperactive, dominant and too large to be babied. It's also jumpy, begging and sheds all over the house, and she never cleans. I mean ever. And I'm a little bit OCD about cleaning.

I realise this isn't the worst possible situation, but we've started to butt heads and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what I say (the dog isn't safe around DD, DH is having allergies because of the dog hair, the dog is eating food right off our plates as we eat, etc.) It's all on deaf ears. She's using the dog as a means of comfort from grieving, and it's her house. I can't win.

Not an easy thing to accept, admittedly. I want to like her again-and I hope that once we move out, I will again.

Abbie we also have that aspect, my DH is the whipping boy in his family and MIL can't see anything wrong with that.

My MIL and I used to get on really well but she did make it very clear from the start that we should not rely on her and her husband for childcare. Her mother had never helped her and she was determined that she wouldn't be helping us either, especially once we got around to numbers 3 and 4. I didn't mind too much, she used to ring me for long chats and it was nice talking to someone who was interested in the kids.
When I was pregnant with our third I had a major falling out with my mother, and my MIL walked into the aftermath. I think it was just too emotional for her; she's very straightlaced and they don't do arguing or yelling in their family and I was very upset by what had happened.
Our relationship has never been the same since.
She rings very rarely now, usually messages me dates that they are free to come and see the kids ( once every 3 months or so). We have four children now but one of her daughters has children ( only two) and she is much more involved with them.
I don't worry about it too much, but I did prefer it when we use to speak more frequently. I don't speak to my mother anymore, so it's not like there is competition from her and I do think it would be nice if MIL took a little more interest in her grandchildren but what can you do?
My oldest two are no 12 and nearly 11 and pretty soon they won't be interested in her either :(
DH has very little contact with his mum although he doesn't have any problems with her; if she does contact us, it tends to be me she contacts.

On Gransnet:

AnnieGran said:

"Thank you Elegran. The messages relating to different cultures are helpful. I have been thinking that culture, distance, occasional infirmity and lack of space and funds have been responsible.

After re reading my post and having a good ponder, I think I have been so wrong. The issue is between DH and his DS, much because of not daring to take the lid off unspoken issues of that little boy growing up without his F, (not DH's fault). Why can't we English actually talk to each other? It really has nothing to do with DiL and me, and I am going to make sure she and I can get on together and let the chaps do whatever chaps do.

All the posts have been so interesting and helpful - what to do and what not to do. Both my locally based DiLs are lovely and are great mothers, as is my DD, and I will try and bring them into this, emails, Skype, and make the overseas DiL feel she belongs. Grans can smugly carry on thinking that everything is fine then suddenly everything is off track. So glad I found this thread.

Thanks again - isn't Gransnet great?"

Funnygran said:

"So interesting reading all the comments, having 2 DIL's and a 90 year old MIL!. With MIL we've had our moments - we are the only direct family members who don't live within daily visiting distance so although she complains of a bad memory she knows exactly how long it is since we visited! But things have mellowed really, 45 years ago when I got married I really felt I was stealing the apple of her eye from under her nose. My own mother died when I was only in my 30's so I deep down I do appreciate having had a grandma for my children.
I've tried so hard to be a supportive MIL without interfering and really don't know if I've succeeded. One of the comments I read on here was about someone 'walking on eggshells' and with one of the girls I know exactly what was meant. My son works away through the week and with their first child due shortly I've let them know that I'm around in case of emergencies and my husband has helped with putting up (and buying!!) baby furniture etc. Was a bit hurt to find out from my daughter that I won't be seeing the baby until the other grandma has flown into the UK and seen it first. (My son is apparently very uncomfortable about this arrangement so I don't feel that I can bring it up really). After due consideration probably best to keep my cool, keep quiet and enjoy the cuddles when it's my turn."

AnnieGran said:

"Oh, Funnygran. How unkind to make you wait till the other grandma sees the baby first. They must be feeling very insecure to behave like that. You are being very wise and patient - good luck with that and with the new baby when it is finally your turn."

I am moved to post on this thread because my MIL has just been lovely this morning. We have had our ups and downs (over 18 years now) and gone from thinking each other were wonderful (before the dcs) . To an almost complete breakdown of the relationship (don't want to out myself , but multiple issues around the time of the birth of dc1). To a gradual acceptance that of my way of doing things although not her preferred way may be ok (MIL) and my gratitude for her unconditional love of my dcs , her interest in our family and her desire to be involved in our lives.

I hope our relationship stays positive but I now also know that it is the long game that counts.

My Mil is a nice person but she irritates me honestly. She oversteps, doesn't defer to us as the parents even when we are standing right there and overall is absolutely deaf to hints. I am completely unwelcoming to interference TBH. if she could leave the parenting to us and her opinions to herself it would go a long way.

Well, that and they stay with us for ungodly amounts of time without contributing even a dime toward bills and groceries.

I think we could all get on a lot better if they weren't underfoot so much

My MIL was great, mostly because she was very non judgmental and non interfering unfortunately she didn't live to see my children and for that I am very sad I have a lot of friends who find their mil "annoying" especially right after having their PFB but honestly I think they should be bloody grateful that they have the help I never had.

why isn't it valid for people feel "annoyed" or whatever else because someone else's MIL died? Everyone lives their own lives and has their own relationship issues and complications to deal with. I'm not going to pretend my MIL doesn't get on my tits and impact my life because someone else lost theirs.

Did I say it wasn't valid to be annoyed? Think you should re-read the post!

Unfortunately no one will learn to appreciate what they have until its gone.

and there are children starving in africa you know so eat up that sour pie.

Your MIL died before you had children, allisgood1. I am very sorry for your loss and see what you're saying but I think you underestimate what having children or grandchildren can to to that relationship. I do think that having children is a watershed moment in this type of relationship and it can go either way from then on. Either you get someone who completely understands that they are YOUR children, or you get someone who doesn't get it at all and thinks they are going to have a similar level of input into their lives as they had into their own children's lives. The second kind of MIL is not fun to be around for a mother who wants to learn and make her own mistakes instead of someone else's (I am thinking that is a pretty hefty percentage of adult women with children). Unfortunately being lovely before that watershed moment is no guarantee of being wonderful afterwards.

I was really really fond of my MIL who seemed absolutely like the nicest I could have hoped for until about two weeks after I had a baby at which point it became very clear indeed that I was going to have to draw some clear boundaries in what was OK with me and what wasn't. Unfortunately MIL was really not able to take that on board and things have been difficult ever since (though nowhere near as tricky as some things I have heard on MN). I expect she thinks I am extremely unreasonable. I think the same of her, with a side order of bossy, controlling and negative. If she could have just stepped back or maybe just listened to me, perhaps the relationship could have been better.

Fascinating thread. I got on really well with my MIL for the first four years of being with my husband, until I fell pregnant with our first child and things changed for me. She is a lovely person, kind, generous, doesn't overstep boundaries or interfere, but for some reason I have struggled with her ever since my children were born. I even had counselling to try and make sense of it, and I can't say I understand it entirely but I think it has something to do with my relationship with my own mother. I love my mum and she loves me but she is very practical, a problem-solver when sometimes what I really need is a hug. She's not a hugger! MIL is more cuddly and I wonder if in some way I resent her for offering what my own mother doesn't. She is a wonderful grandmother though and my husband loves her so I try to keep my feelings under wraps. I feel awkward around her and it makes me feel horrible. Things have improved gradually since my eldest was born so I hope it will continue and I will find a way to be a nicer DIL

I like my mil a lot - ever since it was obvious dh and I were serious she's treated me like one of the family. We're very good friends and she treats me like an equal. She knows that I think she's made a rod for her own back with her dd and dh (my fil) but I also know that she won't tackle these issues because she doesn't want to rock the boat. The one thing I couldn't tell her is that she should make more of an effort to see my dcs. She loves them without question but she travels to her dd's every week during term time to look after her dcs and never comes to see mine. Travelling time to both of us is the same. Mil can't drive but she can actually get a direct train to the end of our road if she wanted to. To compound the issue my dd and her twin cousins have the same birthday. Mil always sees the twins on their birthday but never dd. It makes me sad and angry for my dcs. But if I told mil it would break her heart.

Over on Gransnet

mygrannycanfly
The best lesson I ever had in how to be a MIL was from a male colleague at work. He was recently married and turned up one evening on his Mum's doorstep asking to spend the night as he'd had a tiff with his DW.??The next day he told us that his tiny Irish Mum had boxed his ears and sent him packing. Told him to go home and sort things out. He said he was very grateful. ??Now I am a Mil I try to remember that I am not and should never be the most significant woman in my son's life.

J52
My granny: How true and wise your words are! X

shoreham55

so this is all so common. MIL's extended family comes first. arrangements are made and I fit in if invited. mustn't ask about plans as that's seen as nosey. I feel I am, as a divorcee, very much an after thought who can 'take it or leave it.' Alas the bitter ex, whom I divorced nearly 20 years ago, used son's wedding and gc as excuse to stir and revert to lying about and denigrating me in the worst possible way. Son now gets angry at me for a raft of my alleged 'failings' that have been thrown up and which he now wants me to justify, even though I can't recall the instances. I was sole necessarily very hard working breadwinner and my family have all benefited loads drom my work and generosity. I hold my tongue, am grateful to see gc if they can fit a short half hour visit from me in once a week or so, and tread eggshells. I love them all. May be it's a case of idealistic censorious younger generation and the juxtapositon of a divorce free family ( with its warts and all ) with mine - me and partner.

shoreham55

I meant DIL's family. Obviosuly she shd come first in son's life but i wd occasionally like to be given same consideration as her fam.

My MIL is perfectly nice and adores DS, but I just don't feel comfortable around her. I feel like I do make an effort but I can't quite work out what the issue is. She was a single mum to DH but they aren't particularly close either.

I do wonder if part of the issue is around "ownership". When DH's dad left he tried to take baby DH and they haven't spoken since, 30 years ago. When DS was born she was first round, which was fine, but when my mum, dad, sister and bil arrived a few hours later she basically refused to leave and said to me "I've got as much right to see DS as them". This really upset me just 8 hours after his birth, as I felt she had no regard for my feelings at all.