Come and talk to us (and gransnetters) about the MIL/DIL relationship

[KatMumsnet]

Hello

As lots of you will know, we have a sister site, Gransnet, which celebrated its third birthday recently. And we've been having a think about topics that MNers and GNers have in common, or might be able to share info on in a useful, supportive and hopefully interesting way.

Last month we collaborated with Gransnet on this thread (also here) about the perimenopause, which lots seemed to find useful.

So we thought we'd take a step into a slightly more controversial area (at least according to 1970s comedians, and a few threads MN): the relationships between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law - and top tips for how women can work together, inter-generationally, for the benefit of each other and for the DCs/GCs.

If you have a great relationship with your MIL, what advice would you pass on to others for achieving this? What's the one (constructive ) suggestion you'd make to anyone who finds their MIL a bit difficult?

If you could really speak your mind (perhaps you already can), what one thing would you say to your MIL - good, bad or indifferent? What does she already do that's amazingly helpful or joy-bringing or quietly constructive? And/or, what's the fly in the ointment?

And if you find your MIL difficult, and your relationship with her has broken down (or is close to doing so), is there anything either of you could do or say to start building bridges? Or are some relationships best left alone?

If you are yourself a MIL, what's it like - and how do you keep your relationship with your DIL on an even keel (if you do)?

We should stress we're not trying to foment discord here; studies show that grandparents en masse give up huge amounts of time to help with childcare and/or give financial and emotional support to their children and their partners, and lots of parents know the joy of handing over their precious darlings to the grandparents and running away having a few hours/days off.

And we're not excluding fathers-in-law or sons-in-law, either - as ever, feel free to tell us about those relationships too. But of course the DIL/MIL demographic is likely to emerge strongly from a MN/GN crossover. And we thought it would be interesting to break through the pop culture perception of MIL/DIL relationships and see how you think the land really lies (in a completely unscientific way). Of course, you may even think the whole issue is hugely overstated, and that millions of DILs and MILs all over the country are just quietly getting on with enjoying their relationships and running their lives.

There will be a parallel thread running on Gransnet about the same issue, and we'll be copying and pasting comments between the two - so if there's something you'd like to ask a community of MILs, now's your chance. And of course do feel free to get yourself a a Gransnet log-in and pop over to say hello.

I reckon Annodomini is right withBest advice I can give to any prospective MiL is: NEVER give unsolicited advice!

Quite honestly, any difficulties I have had with my MIL could have been entirely avoided if she had done this - oh, and agreed to at least try to abide by my parenting choices.

I struggle with my MIL, I married her baby and she finds it hard to let go. She can't accept that at 33 he is old enough to make his own decisions, she won't let go of her family traditions do her children in favour of blended ones for our children. Eg Christmas (sticking point for everyone really! ) she insists on spending x amount on the children as that's what she spent in her children. She won't allow us any input as to what she buys and x amount is actually more than I spend on the children the stuff is unsuitable for the ages and often if it's clothes just doesn't fit. It may sound petty, but when she is essentially refusing to allow you to buy Christmas presents for your own children (as you know there will be too muh crap in the house) it's grating.

My MIL also favours my eldest dd and ds (first born son and first born daughter) meaning poor dd2 gets left out and forgotten. It breaks my heart and creates contention.

My MIL needs to take a step back from her children's lives.

She has 4 children but 2 are NC with her and FIL. At least one of these is due to interfering and bad behaviour from her, including trying to get her prospective DIL to lie to her then fiance (now husband). PIL haven't seen that son and DIL since the day of the wedding - 8 years ago.

She hasn't really learned. Their youngest (my SIL) went to Uni and they sold up and moved to her uni town. Then she settled somewhere else after uni and they moved to that town (to live with my SIL). SIL has left to live abroad and PIL keep following them. They will stay with them for 6 months this year.

They have no permanent house so tend to stay with us when back in the UK. It has been by increments - they come for a couple of weeks and stay 3 months. They do it again. Me and DP are too nice to just say 'no'. But I have reached the point where I need to.

When PIL get back from travelling in February they are welcome to stay for a week, maybe 2 but I am absolutely not having them any longer. They are not good or helpful house guests, and I like my space and my privacy.

Last time they stayed they were invited on holiday with us for a week (we paid for it) but they stayed with us for 5 weeks. Uninvited and just announcing they would be with us until mid to end June. It is just assumed. Then MIL got sulky that she wasn't feeling welcome. That is because she was welcome for a week. Not 5 weeks.

They need to settle somewhere and build lives for themselves that doesn't revolve around travel and the children. But I can't see it happening.

My MIL is ok. We are from very different backgrounds and have different standards of living (I think her house is filthy, cluttered and stinks of dog and plug in air freshener) and she never seems comfortable in our house. But she loves my DC completely and spoils them rotten when she sees them which is about every 2 months as they live several hours away. Tbh I could have done with choosing some clothes for my own children when they were babies esp as our tastes are different (me: Boden type stripes and appliqués, her: slogan type stuff about Mummy and Daddy) but it's about the worse thing I've had to deal with. DH doesn't have a great relationship with his family tbh. He loves them all very much but has distanced himself geographically and almost on class basis. More his issues than mine though. She doesn't interfere, criticise or try and undermine our parenting decisions though so can't really complain too much.

My MIL passed away in February far too young.
In the early days our relationship seemed strained. I was sure she did not like me, nor choose me for her son.
As the years went by, I must have proved myself and she said our wedding day was the happiest day of her life.
Now I'm 8 months pregnant with what would have been her first grandchild and I have so much I want to ask her. She loved children, was a nursery nurse for most of her life and raised her children in the happiest of environments, even if things were tough.
I regret not talking with her more. In the last 3 weeks of her life, we were the closest we had ever been, I would lie in her bed with her and we would talk about my baby. She said she would see him or her from heaven and not to worry about a thing.
I'm not sure if this is what you wanted, but I just wanted to say, even when you don't seem to read from the same hymn sheet, it never hurts to make an effort. When they are gone they are gone and you can never get that time back.

My MIL is a lovely, kind, generous woman and a brilliant grandmother. I don't think I love her, exactly, but we have love in common. We both love my DH and we both love the DC. We both have a lot to gain from building a strong partnership.

She's incredibly generous her time and has helped us with childcare many, many times. I do everything I can to make sure she has lots of access to the GC, and that she's part of all possible family occasions. She and FIL are both starting to struggle with their health and I do as much as she'll let me to help them.

Writing this, I suppose actually we do love each other. As they say, "love" is a verb. We both try to do plenty of loving things for each other.

I have had both types of relationship with my MIL: good and bad. She came to this country after the war and met and married her husband here - he was also from her home country. She has always felt that people from her home country are better: more beautiful/handsome, cleverer, more style, better food etc etc etc.

I have been with my DH for 30 years and, in the first instance, before she even met me she would make derogatory remarks to DH about the time he spent with me. One remark when he returned home late after missing the last tube went along the lines of "Did you enjoy yourself in her bed?". All that said, we eventually met and made the best of it and, through sheer force of willpower on my part (by being a complete doormat with her) we got on well. We would spend time together and I really really tried to be the DIL she seemed to feel she deserved. Her relationship with her own daughter was fractious and I tried to "be there" for her, especially after her husband (FIL) died suddenly. Many member s of the family remarked on her mental health problems and there were clear signs that she had probably always suffered with her mental health. I tried harder to help her and be her friend.

Fast forward to today: I now no longer have a relationship with her. Two years ago I started to notice that I was becoming the brunt of her anger. She would spend hours on the phone to me every day moaning about her lot in life: nobody cared about her, she had no-one etc etc etc. I tried to fill the gap. Then the abuse and swearing started: she would phone and slam the phone down me for no reason, I got told to "speak to her like I spoke to my bloody f*king family", I got told to f*k off at various times, I was told I was raising my son the wrong way: feeding him too much/not enough, making sure he was too full to eat at her house, not letting him come to her house - basically spiking her relationship with her grandson.

So, in answer to your question: I don't think there is anything I can do to build bridges with her. She is unable to see her own fault in any of this and refuses to seek help - believe me we have tried. She rewrites her life all the time and lies about what has been said/done etc. DH is now the only one to have any contact with her and that is sparing as he was abused by her as a child and has little love for her...just a son's ingrained sense of duty that makes him make the odd phone call/pop round.

I am aware that this probably makes me seem uncaring...abandoning an old lady to her madness but I just can't do it anymore. I have spent 28 years trying to be everything she would ever want in a DIL, only to fall so far short that I realise that I have actually wasted all that time and I was a food to myself. I genuinely cared for her (and still do, truth be known) but can no longer put myself in that situation - I ended up seeing a counsellor and being advised to take anti-depressents.

I feel betrayed by my MIL. We got on for 8 years... then I had my baby and she turned into a prat of the highest order.

My MIL was also fine till I had my first baby.

Then she was critical of everything. Would I lose my baby weight (weeks post natal)? Told me 'I didn't know what to do with him' (baby), on my third pregnancy at 7 months she asked me if I'd lose weight in time for her daughter's wedding. She was rude about the food I fed to my babies - wanting to add salt to it 'tasteless', wanting to put rusk in their milk. I fully breastfed the last 3 on purpose so she couldn't interfere. She was rude about the need for car seats, critical of the pram we chose.

I could go on...

Funnily enough she seems to respect me more now because I've coped well with chronic illness in two of my kids. But I can't be bothered with her. I'm polite to her, I listen to her rabbit on about her friends. But I don't really care.

To be a good MIL I think you need to respect the new woman in the family and encourage her. Not be rude all the time. She referred to herself as mum when my daughter was a toddler.

I'm sure there are great MILs out there. It comes down to personality.

My MIL is lovely. My inlaws are my second family and I adore them. I don't always agree with some of their views and our backgrounds are different but they're lovely.

My MIL didn't have an easy relationship with her mum and one of her MILs sounded dreadful (DH's grandpa married twice). She was rude and continually critical. It's meant she is extra careful to be nice and I often tell her how much I appreciate her to make sure she knows it.

I am now pg with my second son and I really hope I can be the support she has been and that my DILs will have the affection I have for my MIL.

I struggled with MIL when we first met, mainly because we are very difficult characters; for example she does not believe in saying "no" to children, whereas I like firm boundaries and am not afraid to say no. MIL struggles to make day to day deciusions and I am very opinionated

However, over the years we have got to understand each other. That's not to say we';re best of friends, but we do get on - FIL has recently died and so I am much more tolerant of her, also we have both grown up a lot since the days we first met.

What makes our relationship work is MIL utterly loving my children, her first grandchildren. She will look after them fortnightly (one each fortnight) and builds a good bond with them, she tells me how wonderful they are, and cried when DGC1 went to school because she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with them :) She respects our rules, and whilst of course she parents differently, she does not undermine our parenting.

She helps us out whebn we are in difficulties with childcare when she can.

If there is one piece of advice I would give any MIL-to-be, it is this: Every girlfriend your son brings home could end up your DIL, don't judge them immediately, or your relationship get off to a bad footing at the very beginning. Also do please remember that you are not the parent of your GC, and as much as you would like to call the shots, you don't. A compromise over any issues could possibly be found if you explain why something isnt working for you. Getting forceful or sulky will not get you your own way. Caring for your GC in the best possible way will always win you brownie points :)

Yup, mine was perfectly OK until I had a baby, too. I quite liked her before that. I wish (some) MILs would realise that people need to make their own mistakes and try their own ways of doing things (which might not even turn out to be mistakes).

Fin that's just it, just because it's not the way she would do it doesn't make it a mistake! It's not a mistake for me to have 3 children in 4 years just because it would be hell on earth for her - I actually enjoy looking after my children, it's a known fact she hated it. It's not a mistake for us to move 10 minutes from my parents, just because she didn't want to live that close to her parents, especially as I have 3 under 4 and could do with some support (she doesn't want to help in any way)
And if she chooses to only see her (only) grandchildren once a month (sometimes less) for around an hour she has to deal with the concequences of that choice - namely children not knowing who she is and not wanting to cuddle/kiss her chat to her etc.

I have a lovely MIL. I think I'm very lucky. She told me once her MIL felt that the best thing you could do to keep a good relationship with your DS is to make good friends with his OH. She has a great relationship with her MIL as well.
She is very welcoming & has been great since I've had DD.
I'd guess her only faults would be that she seems to look to me to make sure her DS sees his family-particularly his grandparents. I don't really see why this is up to me, I think she believes I have more influence with my DH then I actually do.
The only other thing I struggle with is she forgets that I have a family we want to spend time with too. So at times such as Christmas it can be a stressful balancing act to keep everyone happy & we do get made to feel very guilty sometimes. Luckily DH loves his mum very much but is very much his own man & won't be swayed by guilt.

However I'm sure I'm not the perfect DIL by any standards but whatever faults I've got my MIL has the good grace to keep it to herself.

I think I've struck MIL gold & I feel as if I can talk to her about anything. I think it speaks volumes that the only thing I can nit pick about is that my MIL wants to see us more. I hope I'm as good a DIL to her as she is a MIL to me.

I hit the jackpot with my MIL tbh.

We've had bad moments. She and DDs DF fell out literally during the birth of DD and cut all contact a few days later. it was a horrible first few months. I'm quite scrappy and couldn't face her missing out on DD. We made up and all is forgiven/forgotten.

She's a health visitor and mother of three so her knowledge is very valuable. Especially when I was a terrified with a serious case of PFBitis.

She's never once said a bad thing about my parenting, my DD, the way I do things. She doesn't push her way of doing things. She doesn't interfere. She's always there to help, if I ask.

She's a really strong woman too.

Being of a certain age and fed up with some of the recent cuntishness on here, I lurked on Gransnet recently to see if it was the place for me. I quickly decided I might be approaching the big 5-0, but I wasn't ready for a place that wouldn't let me swear .

One thing that nearly broke my heart, however, were the threads from MILs (and some mothers) who had been cut out of the lives of their grandchildren. Maybe some had been justifiably ostracised, but I was left with an overwhelmingly sad feeling that some may have been cut out over misunderstandings rather than real transgressions.

Too often, I'll see a thread on here where the OP has given a story (which will inevitably be biased in OP's favour) to which there is an overwhelming chorus of "go NC" to which the MIL has no right of reply.

Just wanted to bring this up really.

Wrt my own MIL, she's a mad as a box of frogs but we rub along OK.

I adore my (now ex) MIL - we always got on well, I didn't interfere with her relationship with her son and gcs and she didn't intefere with my relationship with my husband and children . When her idiot son left us for the OW after 25 yrs she said "well Darling if we're not inlaws any more we'll just have to be friends" and we are. She's been the best grandmother ever to my dc and I will be bereft when she dies. I was lucky, I think, in that my own mother clearly got on well with my paternal gm so there was a positive model for me growing up - and my MIL really is a lovely person.

Feel free to edit me for profanity if you quote me on GN btw Kat

My MIL is a truly special person. She has brought up her sons to be kind, supportive, humorous men - dh is a great husband, and that is down, in large part to her.

From the first time I met her, she made me feel accepted as part of her ds1's life - we both respect and love each other, enjoy each other's company and have been there to support each other. There have been times where she has felt dh has behaved badly towards me, and she has told him so.

She is dying. She has secondary lung cancer, and there is no more treatment, only palliative care - and it is breaking my heart - I am going to lose someone who is, pretty much, a second mum, a friend, a wonderful MIL, mum and grandma.

I intend to use her as a role model for when I am a MIL. If I am half as good as her, that will be pretty darn good.

My MIL is lovely. She is a sweet old lady with a great sense of humour. She has lived through some tough times socially and personally and I have a tremendous sense of respect for her wisdom and emotional intelligence.

I think with in-laws there will always be the occasional niggle as they're not the same as your own family, do things differently etc. But I think we both make a massive effort because we like each other and know we both love her son. The love he has for her makes me feel very warm towards her as well. I know my husbands parents both doted on him, didn't spoil him just gave him lots of love :-)

I have a good relationship with my mil and I put it down to my dh. He was a fully functioning adult long before I met him. He didn't need his mother to baby him before I came along so she never expected me to take over that role.
Also, as an equal parent, he facilitates the grand mother relationship with our son so it's not all down to me.

I like my mil a lot. But she is my husbands mum, she's not my mum or my best friend. I suspect she feels the same about me.

I thought I had a good relationship with MIL. We got on well, they used to stay in our house, we took them on holidays. Then my H left me and she and FIL dropped me like a stone. Made no effort to find out if I was coping on my own with our 2 young DC. I was very hurt and have never forgiven her

mercy that is heartbreaking.

My MIL did accept that my DDs have Autism but only on the grounds that it came from my family, not hers. This was quite ironic really considering how rigid and change averse she was and her DS (my DH) is. Luckily I felt able to let her have that one in the cause of a quiet life.

I've lost some very good friends who responded in exactly the way your MIL does. I miss them years later. I miss that we could spend every day of the school holidays hanging around in fields picnicking or each other's gardens with water slides. I miss the Christmas celebrations together and the camping weekends.

I know they think we are wrong and they were trying to help our children by correcting our mistakes but they don't see the whole picture. They weren't there at the end of the school day or at bedtime and it wouldn't happen if we had visitors anyway. It always happened after they left or we got home.

Your MIL must feel very helpless watching something she doesn't understand and thinking you are making a huge mistake. It so sad that it's destroying your relationship.

I hope that one day you will find a way to help her see through her prejudices and really listen properly to what life is like with a child who has Autism. Nobody in their right minds would choose to go down that road unnecessarily. One day she may see what is truly going on for you and stand again by your side, supporting you and your DH and enjoying her DGCs as they really are, not as she chooses to see them.

Thankyou goldmandra I really hope so. I miss it so much.

These really are the hidden things you loose with a 'hidden' disability.