Come and talk to us (and gransnetters) about the MIL/DIL relationship

[KatMumsnet]

Hello

As lots of you will know, we have a sister site, Gransnet, which celebrated its third birthday recently. And we've been having a think about topics that MNers and GNers have in common, or might be able to share info on in a useful, supportive and hopefully interesting way.

Last month we collaborated with Gransnet on this thread (also here) about the perimenopause, which lots seemed to find useful.

So we thought we'd take a step into a slightly more controversial area (at least according to 1970s comedians, and a few threads MN): the relationships between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law - and top tips for how women can work together, inter-generationally, for the benefit of each other and for the DCs/GCs.

If you have a great relationship with your MIL, what advice would you pass on to others for achieving this? What's the one (constructive ) suggestion you'd make to anyone who finds their MIL a bit difficult?

If you could really speak your mind (perhaps you already can), what one thing would you say to your MIL - good, bad or indifferent? What does she already do that's amazingly helpful or joy-bringing or quietly constructive? And/or, what's the fly in the ointment?

And if you find your MIL difficult, and your relationship with her has broken down (or is close to doing so), is there anything either of you could do or say to start building bridges? Or are some relationships best left alone?

If you are yourself a MIL, what's it like - and how do you keep your relationship with your DIL on an even keel (if you do)?

We should stress we're not trying to foment discord here; studies show that grandparents en masse give up huge amounts of time to help with childcare and/or give financial and emotional support to their children and their partners, and lots of parents know the joy of handing over their precious darlings to the grandparents and running away having a few hours/days off.

And we're not excluding fathers-in-law or sons-in-law, either - as ever, feel free to tell us about those relationships too. But of course the DIL/MIL demographic is likely to emerge strongly from a MN/GN crossover. And we thought it would be interesting to break through the pop culture perception of MIL/DIL relationships and see how you think the land really lies (in a completely unscientific way). Of course, you may even think the whole issue is hugely overstated, and that millions of DILs and MILs all over the country are just quietly getting on with enjoying their relationships and running their lives.

There will be a parallel thread running on Gransnet about the same issue, and we'll be copying and pasting comments between the two - so if there's something you'd like to ask a community of MILs, now's your chance. And of course do feel free to get yourself a a Gransnet log-in and pop over to say hello.

My mil is lovely. she is elderly, can't hear so well. but no problem. Dh's whole family are lively and have welcomed me since day 1.
we see each other a few times per year, for birthdays, christenings etc, family party at Christmas. I phone and ask my sil what she wants me to prepare: a lasagne and a nigella ham in coke or whatever, which I am more than happy to do. its the least I could do!!

I've tried with my mil but over the last four years she has been very disrespectful to me as a mother and to the idea of not rummaging through my house.

I really have tried and would never sever relationships or anything as she does love the dc and dh would be devasted if things couldn't be at least ok and civilz. I don't however make an effort or put myself out anymore. If they ask for something that is inconvenient the answer is now no.

My mil died suddenly 3 years ago. I still miss her. I realised after a number of years that she was a perfect (if occasionally annoying) mil. She brought up dh, whose df died when he was 11. She had a hard life but she always did her best by dh.

I met her 19 years before she died, and she always made the effort to get on with me, she cared what I thought because dh cared, and vice versa. But when dh and I disagreed if she agreed with me she'd say. If she didn't she would stay quiet. I always felt she respected me, and I respected her.

She made dh who I fell in love with, she talked to much, listened too little but I miss her. I also miss the fact that without her there I 1 less person whose opinion I care about to ask for advice and give wise counsel.

As the mother of 3 DS, the MIL issue worries me a lot.

My own MIL drives us crazy & FIL ignores what she does/says. She is welcoming to the point of interference, but our main problem is her relationship with DS1. DH's 1st DW died when DS1 was young & DH moved home-the result is MIL thinks she's his parent & won't let go.

We now have 2 more DS, both as beautiful & perfect as DS1. DS1 gets given loads of money each visit, taken out on trips, expensive presents, gets told we're nasty parents if he's disciplined, etc. DS2&3 get small amounts of money, no trips out, small presents (DS1 was recently given more presents than DS2 whose birthday it was) & are mainly ignored til someone mentions them & IL'S look amazed at how lovely they are.

It doesn't help DS1 as he know there's always a 'conversation' after a visit & wants his brothers to be equal. IL'S really don't realise they are doing it & think everything is wonderful. We dread their visits & both our babies wouldn't settle on them when young as they can feel the tension. At family events my family have to help 'manage' her & they shouldn't have to.

A counsellor I know says they could write a book on MIL!

When/if I get DIL's I will offer support if it can ease their load, agree if my DS is being daft, give advice only if asked, do as asked (& not assume they meant something else), treat all GC equally, individually & with the same amount of love & I will also realise I'm not a part of their little family, I'm a lucky person who is related to such wonderful people.

My MIL isn't officially my MIL yet - but we do intend of getting married soon so I will join in. When my son was first born she would make a few 'helpful comments' that I would seethe about for weeks. My partner pointed out one day that my own mum makes a million helpful comments a week and it's ok? And it struck me that I was being unreasonable. Now - if she makes a comment I think a) she is just being a Nan and b) her advice also stems from not being able to see her grandson enough as they live so so far away.

Empathy means we get on brilliantly now.

JandT - surely your husband should tell them?

My mil is one of the most controlling and manipulative people I have ever met. In any other walk of life I would not put up with her sh*t but have felt obliged to for the past 2.5 years because she is my dps mother.
She is capable of kindness, but only when it suits and benefits her. Which is a shame, if she was less demanding, judgmental and didn't think she was above everyone else we may of got along. We did for the fort year, whereby me and my partner bent over backwards to keep her happy and feed her need to be constantly assured of how wonderful she is.
It's a shame, I think her husband is a great guy who unfortunately allows his wife to emotionally blackmail and manipulate people to get her own way. If he grew some perhaps we could all get along.
Since dd has arrived we haven't the time to see her weekly (if my mum was as demanding as mil me and dp would never have any family time) and she has become an emotional train wreck who will stop at nothing to get what she wishes.
I wish she could lay off, appreciate us for who we are, allow us to be our own family unit and enjoy the time we spend with her but she is always digging for more.
Note to self : do not turn into this woman your daughter will resent you.

My mil and I don't speak the same language, literally. We can communicate well enough to make arrangements or have a simple chat but we cannot have deep and meaningful conversations. She is difficult to talk to even without the language barrier as when the dcs are around she cannot concentrate on anything but them. I sometimes think it is for the best that we can't communicate well as it means anything I want her to understand has to go through dh which she is probably happier with.

She is very helpful, though it makes me uncomfortable when she comes over and starts sweeping the floor and doing laundry. I think she understands now that I find that a bit offensive and I understand she just wants to make my life easier and isn't trying to have a go at me!

She recognises her son has faults but she adores him and has done her best to raise him to be a good man and he is.

I respect her as she is hard working, doesn't have a bad word to say about anyone and she is open to new ideas. I think she should have left her alcoholic dh long ago before his behaviour affected my dh so negatively. I think she respects me as my dh says she praises me for this or that and tells him to be understanding towards me as I live far from my family and she knows how hard that is.

I hope in the future we will be closer as I improve in their language.

Your story sounds exactly like mine!!

Bethcutler13

Your story sounds similar to mine. My MIL has been an absolute nightmare to me since the birth of my Dd1.

things are so bad between us. I need to sit down and write everything she has done and said so maybe we can address things. Not that I think she's ever going to change.

MIL is a terribly spoilt, egotistical, jealous, a master of passive aggressive behaviour.

I tried to have a chat with Her when Dd1 was about 9 months and she turned round and told me that she is an expert with babies, she knows everything, that I suffer from post natal disorder and that that's the way she is and she is not going to change.

I am very fortunate as I love my MIL.

Honestly, I found it difficult to get used to her for a good while after H and I got together. She doesn't live near us so we don't get lots of quality time together. But over the years, as time has passed and we've holidayed together, we've forged a good relationship.

If she lived closer I'd be delighted. She is great with the kids, generous with her time, she's kind and loving, and she genuinely treats me like family.

I can say the same for my FIL. He and MIL aren't together now but he welcomed me too. They are both just lovely people and it is reflected in their son.

Unfortunately my relationship with my MIL is best left alone.

I am civil towards her and have never tríed To prevent either DH or our DC from seeing her, but it was DH who made the decisión to move over 10,000 miles away. He still calls once a week though.

So far I haven't actually incurred her wrath, but she usted To send aniversario cards to her other son. Just her son, not his wife. She only ever got a letter congratulating her on severying the bond between mother and son. They also moved abroad.

So just looking for a chat really. My inlaws are lovely, they are involved with dds and lots of people comment how great they are. I've seen my mil make conversation with lots of people and admire her style and she looks great. My fil is also lovely and they both lead an active social life.

However they pretty much have very little to do with me. They are not rude or anything and remember birthdays etc, but just day to day nothing at all. When I was on mat leave we very rarely met up, despite living within a mile of each other. I did ask but was told that they would check diary and then never followed up.

I've tried to make an effort over the years but it's never really responded to, just a polite change of subject or dismissed and I don't want to become too persistent etc.

I'd really love to see them more, I'd love to have a closer relationship with them, but feel I'm always kept at arms length. My DH doesn't get it at all and because my dps are difficult says I should be happy that his are not like that. I'm not needy or anything, it's been years like this but as they get older I want to enjoy our relationship and get to know them.

Anyone else have this kind of relationship with inlaws?