Very bright yr 12 student cannot settle to study at all. Nothing we have tried helps.

[queenceleste]

Dd did very well at gcses getting mostly 9s.
She has a good memory and worked hard in class and mostly got her homework in. Also the school prepped them really well but she did find revising near impossible.
Now about to go into exams in year 12 and two terms very busy with everything extra curricular and she is very behind in her homework and appears paralyzed when trying to work. She feels too behind. Nothing helps her work at home at all.

She did a bit last night, got into it a bit but got distracted and appears to fall off the wagon into her phone.
We cannot get it away from her it’s impossible.

I feel this is maybe a known phenomenon. It’s incredibly hard watching so much potential just stuck. But I was similar, not as bright but found it beyond hard to get down to it.

She seems to not have the work ethic of resilience needed as it’s always been relatively easy in the past.

If anyone has seen this or has any advice - I would be so grateful.

Why can’t you take the phone away? I bet she’s well aware that’s the problem.

Who paid for the phone and any regular bills?

Maybe she needs to be moving? Kinetic learning is a thing.

Or the pomodoro method?

I think its a case of trying lots of different styles tbh. And yeah, the phone won't be helping!

She’s as slippery as a bucket of eels. We have tried everything
She seems to be in some kind of paralysis. She knows but still can’t start and keep at it.

All the deals fail.

She might also need to learn how to revise. It’s no good just sitting there staring at the words. Past papers, making notes from memory, explaining it aloud etc.

She definitely finds it easier to work at school than home. But she has a tidy room with a clear desk.

Whose phone is it. A compromise is needed eg the phone sits in a different room while she studies. Hor every hour of studies she gets 5 mins phone time.

If she's unwilling then take the phone away completely.

Body doubling is the answer - someone needs to be in the room with her.

I agree she needs to learn skills but she still has a ton of homework which is late and needs to be submitted.

It’s maddening.

Of course she will have to reap the consequences but it’s painful to watch and she’s very dominant. I feel we lost executive power a long time ago ago. 🤦‍♀️

I feel like I should ask the school for help maybe. But when she does work it’s generally excellent. It’s so baffling.
These are the subjects she has chosen.

It sounds like she may well have ADHD. Very bright kids with ADHD will do well until they get to a certain stage. It's largely inherited so you may well have it too.
I have 3/4 with it & believe I probably have it too.
With meds my kids have all done well & got A's in their A levels.

Remove her phone (only allow it for one hour per day) and take her to the library every night for a while.

Buy her a dumb phone for safety purposes if she needs one.

Make a plan - a timetable - for her homework. You need to help her manage her time for only a few months. It will make an enormous difference once she catches up. Extra curricular activities need to cease for a month or two.

I struggled with this at university and had depression

She has agreed with this but then when I appear she says “later”.

Like a huge slippery eel. Incredibly convincing in protestations and vows to work but then disappears into a small room and says she will come out soon if we stop harassing her.

Has anyone seen this before? I have heard that some kids who find gcses easy can stumble in year 12. But this feels like it’s more of a crash than a stumble.

Thank you all for your messages - they are much appreciated.

I would suggest that she is actually finding the work hard. Working for A levels is so different from GCSEs and the greater depth etc she may be struggling with. Ds got 13 A* at GCSE but found the step up to A levels hard and a different way of learning. This might be what is going on. I do think you can remove her phone, perhaps an hour off then a break with it, you just have to put your foot down. She has time to get back into it but I would see how mocks go. Ultimately you can't force homework or revision but if she is bright but now finding it hard this may be difficult to admit, I know ds found this hard as he had always breezed through.

We do not have that much control honestly. She says yes to agreements but slithers away from them.

Unfortunately don’t have any advice but just wanted to give a bit of a different perspective and say I think it’s a pretty typical issue, developmentally. My DS is still a baby so I don’t have first-hand experience as a parent, but when I was young I was very bright, always performed above my year and got the highest grade in everything/was best in class. However, when I reached 15-16, hormones kicked in and I was a lot more interested in my social life and boys than school and grades. My grades took a bit of a dip (although I still did alright) and my university access exams’ grades were not as high as anticipated, but I still managed to go to uni and study the degree I wanted. My dad always used to say I wouldn’t get through uni if I carried on with my ways! But in all honesty, I carried on with the same study habits (and a fair bit of partying and socializing) and did alright. I graduated with a dual degree and went on to also do a masters and eventually a professional doctorate degree in a top US university. Now I am an attorney and make a pretty good living. All this to say that of course she’ll have to study and apply herself to do well in life, but I wouldn’t put lots of pressure on getting her to study in ways that are not productive for her and would give her a little bit of trust and independence so she can figure out what works best for her.

mumonthehill I think this sounds right. She has a very high achieving cohort and a lot of her mates are hard workers. Comparing herself to them makes her panic as well.
she says she’s too anxious to start and stay with it.

My exact thoughts….. aced my O-Levels, flunked my A-Levels. Psychiatrist said A-Levels are much more demanding of executive functioning and mine was probably very bad.

I still manage to do two degrees simultaneously though.

We had one likr like this. Was eventually diagnosed with inattentive ADHD.

I’ve done this w DS when he was revising for A levels -,i essentially helped him w revision by sitting at the PC and making sure he knew his stuff. He’s also very clever but also finds it hard not to be distracted. The phone is a big issue too.

Thank you all, your different perspectives are so valuable. I keep thinking I’ve let her down by not teaching her how to work hard when she was little ( I do feel like I was not the super mum I wish I’d been! ) but actually she always did work hard. She just found it super easy. She was never lazy at all. That’s why it is so hard to see this struggle- but your different perspectives have helped a lot.

She’s overwhelmed and so procrastination is creeping in.

Encourage her to put her phone in a different room when she studies, find a place she is comfortable, maybe at a desk or maybe in bed with a big snuggly blanket?

Find her best way of retaining information - does she prefer to read, listen or use screens. I for example don’t take anything in properly unless I read it - I also find reading out loud more effective.

You’re not responding to any of the multiple people saying to take her phone away?

I totally match all the ADHD checklists and my executive functions sucks. I worry that she might be the same but I am not certain about ADHD - only because so many people appear to be self diagnosing and it seems there is potential for there to be bafflement.
I don’t know what I think about medication for someone who can’t get down to study. I’m just a bit overwhelmed at the thought of that process as well. Surely not everyone can have ADHD?

But thank you so much for the thought. I did have an ex colleague who said she thought I might have it. It all seems a bit imponderable.

Sorry we have tried but it doesn’t work, she takes it back it refuses to give it to us. She is quite a force. It is like negotiating with a super power.