Very bright yr 12 student cannot settle to study at all. Nothing we have tried helps.

[queenceleste]

Dd did very well at gcses getting mostly 9s.
She has a good memory and worked hard in class and mostly got her homework in. Also the school prepped them really well but she did find revising near impossible.
Now about to go into exams in year 12 and two terms very busy with everything extra curricular and she is very behind in her homework and appears paralyzed when trying to work. She feels too behind. Nothing helps her work at home at all.

She did a bit last night, got into it a bit but got distracted and appears to fall off the wagon into her phone.
We cannot get it away from her it’s impossible.

I feel this is maybe a known phenomenon. It’s incredibly hard watching so much potential just stuck. But I was similar, not as bright but found it beyond hard to get down to it.

She seems to not have the work ethic of resilience needed as it’s always been relatively easy in the past.

If anyone has seen this or has any advice - I would be so grateful.

I agree with @Random321here.

The very bright can indeed get on very well to GCSE or even further without ever having to put in the effort or develop the focus or the time management skills their less able peers often need. It's a tortoise and hare thing.

Sometimes there comes a point where a very bright girl - who may have 'very bright' integrated as a big part of her entire personality from the day she started school - begins to encounter difficult material and the whole personality starts to implode. Despondency, existential self doubt, and paralysis can set in.

She may well need to learn how to learn at this stage - better late than never though.

Consider body doubling.

I think a couple of things:

Agree with PP that she’s finding the work hard - and if she hasn’t been doing homework she will feel she has a mountain to climb before she can even start revising.

Agree with another PP - she needs to learn how to revise for a levels - it’s a totally different set of skills than GCSEs. I’d wager she has no clue how to revise at this level so isn’t.

It’s really not on you - if by 17 she hasn’t found the motivation to work, she’ll learn the consequences. Sounds harsh but if not now, when?

At the start of yr 12 my DD was really struggling with History - I paid for a one off session with a tutor - only early 20s so she remembered the leap herself -
to explain HOW to study and revise for a levels. That helped enormously.

good luck.

I've attached DD3's QB check. She's really bright, but burned out in year 10 for a variety of reasons. She takes her ADHD meds in the morning, then at lunch time. If she's going to practice driving in the afternoon she takes an extra dose. If she's not doing much in the afternoon or at the weekend, she doesn't take the lunch time dose.

You need to let the consequences play out. Talk to school. See if they can come down hard on her for missing the homework deadlines. If she's used to getting all 9's then she will be mortified and hopefully realise something needs to give. If she was younger I would advocate taking her phone but she needs to learn to manage this herself now. Be there to support. Help with study skills. Offer to keep her phone during revision time if she would find it helpful but ultimately tell her this is down to her. If you spoon feed her now she will never cope at uni or in the world of work.

There are lots of apps that will block the phone for a certain amount of time and give rewards for this - helpful for managing the dopamine addition and has the benefit of it being her own decision to block the phone for, say, half an hour. It’s the pomodoro method with slightly more teeth!

Thank you for all your advice.
She did a couple of hours yesterday which was some movement at least. But it’s clearly her phone which distracts her.
It’s maddening. She knows that the phone is a huge issue but it’s the panic and poor habits which trip her up. She’s so able when she’s working but she seems almost frustrated by the patience needed for the whole process.
I might look at getting her some tutor help, as you say they might help bridge this block.

we need to see if we can get her to try one of these.

Had the same with my DC. At the time you still did AS Levels and when he ended up getting a B in a few things (after straight A GCSEs and being very clever like your DD) it was a real wake up call. He fully changed in the second year and ended up getting As. Nothing I could’ve done would’ve changed anything - it had to come from him. They’re too old at 17/18 to be asking them to hand phones over etc in my experience. Does she have mocks this year, maybe a bad grade will kickstart her?

I still don't understand your softness about this phone. Take it away from her and lock it away!
I don't understand why that is hard. You say she 'takes it back'. How?

We had all chargers downstairs, no phones in rooms at night since they first got phones and those routines stuck. But it sounds like you just allowed her free rein. Most teens accept phone addiction is a problem but many talk about giving phones over to parents or using the blocking apps.

Have you tried body doubling OP?

Honestly, at the point in her life, you are failing her if you don’t remove her phone.

I second body doubling. It works well with my ND teen who finds revision almost impossible.

As for the apps to lock the phone, my DDs use one with a little bean and you lock your phone and he knits socks while it’s off. Then, you trade the socks in for decorations for his room. It’s very cute and surprisingly effective, especially as my two got quite competitive about whose room looked better!

She says “yes yes yes” to everything and then slithers away. She agrees to give us the phone but then says she needs music, she’s an incredibly strong character. We never needed to be strict because she was always doing super well.

Some of you clearly have much better parental control over your kids than we do. I just don’t know how to just take her phone. I genuinely fear the kick off. I hesitate to say this but she’s fairly indomitable.

We’ve always had a negotiating relationship.

If you could be gentle if you’re going to tell me that I’m an idiot - I would appreciate it.

I can’t go back in time and be a stronger parent then.

We feel we need her agreement with what we do but she agrees to everything and then just doesn’t do it. It’s maddening

Body doubling she has agreed would be good but then always says “later”

Sounds pretty severe, I would recommend ADHD medication. She isn’t choosing to be distracted. She is likely exerting more effort than you can imagine, but failing.

I was undiagnosed at her age and I had to go to the local library to get any work done. The library didn’t allow any food or drinks. I made a pact that I could not leave the library until my work was done or it closed. I left all distractions at home. This was before phones, so that meant my Walkman and my sketch pad and my books I read for fun. It also meant booking a single desk area in a quiet corner so I wouldn’t be tempted to sit with other students and be a jokester or get distracted by people watching or eavesdropping.

I can't believe you can't take her phone.
If not then just cut off the WiFi
( She doesn't need it for revising)

Phone whoever you have the mobile contract with and say the phone has been mislaid and you need them to block the account temporarily. Most mobile phone companies will do this. I did this to my dd once and said I’d do it permanently if she didn’t cooperate. You are the adult here and must take some sort of charge. You will feel terrible if you don’t and she does poorly in her exams.

Get her an old phone or iPod that can cope with Spotify or whatever streaming service she uses. Then set it so that nothing else can be added to it. Also make sure it goes downstairs 1 hour before bedtime and stays there. Lock it up if necessary.

You need to be the parent here. You are failing her by not stepping up to this problem that you’ve created.

She may also be undiagnosed ND, and that might take a bit of time to sort, but the phone is one thing that you can get on top of straight away.

I get this, OP. I have had to be a "weak parent" and use negotiations for everything, simply because my DS has PDA. My DD, one the other hand, has been very bright and well behaved , but now in year 12 and addicted to her phone. She is also autistic and now on ADHD pathway.

Body doubling definitely helps when she's studying with a friend. We are 'in talks' about me taking away the phone at times. Cutting the wifi has not been a success.

I can relate @queenceleste
My DD is Year 13 and has autism diagnosis and she really can't focus on revision. She's really bright and works hard at school but it all falls apart at home.
We've been trying a bit of "body doubling" which seems to help.

What do you fear more? The melt down or her failing her A levels?

It’s strange how intimidated by her you are. If you can’t be stronger with her, she’s likely going to underachieve.

It’s possibly ADHD but it’s quite possibly not. Her phone is doing her damage by the sound of it. You need to help her break the addiction.

OP, is it possible that she isn't very intrinsically motivated to do A levels? Why does she want to do them? What is her goal? You sound super involved in fixing this for her but if you did with different phone/tutor/body doubling might you not just be kicking the can down the road? What might happen if you backed off entirely and let her figure this out herself?

It feels like currently you are doing much more about this situation than her and yet she is of an age perhaps where she might need to learn to figure it out for herself, which might mean 'failing' (getting a B or a C perhaps, or being told by school that she needs to do her homework). It might be much more powerful coming from them. You can then ask her what she plans to do about it rather than telling her/taking her phone etc. it might make for a nicer atmosphere at home. If she is planning on university, she will need these skills, unless you are planning to go with her there.

What did your parents do during your A levels? I wonder what would happen if you told her you will always love her whether she gets As or doesn't even finish her A levels as they are for her not you. She could decide if she wants to carry on with them, and if she does, she'll need to do the homework. Her choice, not yours.

I don't think there needs to be firm rules or negotiations. If she wants to do A levels she needs to do her homework. If not, she'll need to find a job/apprenticeship.

I don't think we can do it for them and if we try to, I suspect we rob them of the chance to learn what they are supposed to learn.

@queenceleste It is a piece of cake to appear to work hard when everything you are doing is super easy. Until now, that's what has been happening. She's relied on her brains to carry her through her GCSE's and until now, she's not been faced with anything that needs real concentration and actual hard work in order to learn and understand the syllabus. She's never learned how to study or revise because she's never needed to. For someone who has been coasting all the way through school it has come as a massive shock.

My advice (from someone who bailed after one term of A-levels) is to back right off and stop badgering her. Tell her you will always love her and be proud of her, no matter what. Make sure she knows that you are not putting pressure on her, and that she is not 'failing' you by falling behind. I think you need to speak to the school as well, because if she got a bunch of 9's at GCSE they will be piling the pressure on her to achieve more and more at A-level, and they need to jolly well back off too. Give her the space she needs to find her feet. She is also, of course, moving from child to woman and that has its own challenges.

"busy with everything extra curricular" Busy with what? How much time and headspace does all that take up?

I don’t have ‘better control’, my 16yo would also get really upset if I took her phone. But she’d just have to be upset.