Very bright yr 12 student cannot settle to study at all. Nothing we have tried helps.

[queenceleste]

Dd did very well at gcses getting mostly 9s.
She has a good memory and worked hard in class and mostly got her homework in. Also the school prepped them really well but she did find revising near impossible.
Now about to go into exams in year 12 and two terms very busy with everything extra curricular and she is very behind in her homework and appears paralyzed when trying to work. She feels too behind. Nothing helps her work at home at all.

She did a bit last night, got into it a bit but got distracted and appears to fall off the wagon into her phone.
We cannot get it away from her it’s impossible.

I feel this is maybe a known phenomenon. It’s incredibly hard watching so much potential just stuck. But I was similar, not as bright but found it beyond hard to get down to it.

She seems to not have the work ethic of resilience needed as it’s always been relatively easy in the past.

If anyone has seen this or has any advice - I would be so grateful.

I can’t go back in time and be a stronger parent then

Yes, you can. You absolutely can.

The 'negotiating relationship' you speak of has led to her being in charge by the sounds of it. Did you negotiate when she was 3?

It sounds like she has quite a severe phone addiction, to be honest.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I really appreciate it.

Just to clarify - she was and can be a very hard worker. She did work hard all the way through school. She worked hard at her homework, was conscientious with all academic work and hugely attentive in lessons. Her teachers always love her engagement.

It was at the GCSE revision stage where it was as if the wheels fell off.

I think she feels behind, which freaks her out, and also the amount of work she will need to do totally fazes her and she just runs away.

I’ve spent the morning trying to get her up.

I agree with the advice to leave her to the consequences of her actions and I agree with those who say intervene more assertively. But I am stuck between doing either. Neither seems the right approach for her now - or maybe I just lack the cahoonas to do either.

But you are the adult here, OP , so you need to find those 'cahoonas' !

FWIW, I don't agree leaving her to it is the solution . Despite some MN wisdom, she is actually still a child. Yes, she'll be one her own at uni but it's baby steps first before complete handing over the reins .Every teenager is different : At this point, she isn't showing she can be independently responsible for her workload/ phone use etc. Sometimes, despite all their pushback, teenagers are actually really quite relieved when someone takes control.

I agree, I have honestly tried to be assertive but I need to try harder. I had a terrible time at school, considered bright but found it incredibly hard to be organized enough to revise. I think her struggle really triggers me and despite ally efforts so far - I am not rational about it.

I do value the feedback. My mum was totally hands off but she was a single mum with a load of kids and no help from my absent dad except for a small amount of money.

She has to learn herself. Step back perhaps?

Gently, I think you have over compensated. We are all guilty of this when we have have had less than ideal parenting/childhoods.

@queenceleste She is only in year 12 - she shouldn’t be panicking. The exams at the end of year 12 are important, but not the end of the world. They tend to be the predicted grades for UCAS applications. However, some schools give the option of re-sitting mocks in the September of year 13, to upgrade the predicted grades. So you ca contact the school to find out whether this is an option.

If it is (predicted grades from re-sits in September), then you could book her into some intensive study courses / sessions over the summer - these could be online or in-person, depending what there is near you. Maybe the results of her end of year exams will be a big motivator for her.

Ultimately, at the end of year 13 she can always apply through clearing, with grades in hand (in recent years there are increasing numbers of really good unis / courses in clearing, sometimes at a heavy ‘discount’. Or she can take a year out, apply through the normal process with grades in hand, and earn some money for uni in the interim. Or she can take a gap year, resit the lowest grade subject and apply during this year. Lots of options.

Could you incentivise her? Reward her somehow for each hour of meaningful revision she does, or for each session of tuition that she engages in? That might be enough of a motivator / dopamine boost to get her going…

I try to but for example she has only just got up! 😫
I flip between thinking it’s real distress to it’s Victorian damsel aswoon play acting.
so I mean well but then I get so frustrated.
I maybe have to step back even further. But it’s so hard to achieve.

Thank you for this yes, she will have loads of options as she will still get A levels even if she continues like this.
We have tried every incentive we can think of and not one has worked.

Thank you Piggy, I am sure I am extra muddled because of a very disordered childhood and a messed up education.

I also am still angry with my mum for her contribution to my terrible education. I can’t quite forgive her.

Wow!
I quietly and openly took her phone this morning with her agreement and she’s been reading a set text for over an hour.

🙈🙈🙈
thank you all!
all your advice helps
its a start xxxx

Well done, OP!!

Oh, that is brilliant.

Well done. baby steps... baby steps!

She'll feel better, too.