Is my 3yr old Normal?

[StarlightDicKenzie]

I've pretty much ignored my poor 3yr old dd for the last two years and she has brought herself up amazingly well. My Ds has ASD and taken all of our energy.

Now, it is clear that my dd doesn't NEED much to thrive and I have no worries about her, but something her preschool have said have made me wonder if I am doing her a disservice.

They say that they think she is extremely bright and is ready for reception (she's due into nursery in Sept, but is a Sept birthday so missed reception by a coup,e of weeks).

Now I KNOW she doesn't know much in the way of formal academics. She can't read or do academic maths, but she can solve fairly complex problems and 'negotiate' confidently with pretty much anyone in a precocious way. An example is when we ate in a restaurant she wanted milk and I told her no, so then she said she was going to the toilet and took herself off. (she can do buttons, zips, toilet locks snd wipe etc. independently and well) Whilst she was gone, the waitress brough not only a glass of milk to the table but one that had been 'warmed up'.

Now I'm beginning to think this is all a bit outside normal, but with my first born having ASD (5) who needs help with the toilet and pretty much everything I have nothing as a baseline.

Should I just try and actually TEACH here to read or something?

Her conversations are usually about how owls build their nests or about who likes who at preschool or about waxing or waning moons etc. where she even gets the information is quite beyond me.

I think some of the responses on this thread are indicative of the challenges you face, Starlight. People don't get that there is no choice but to spend the majority of the time on the child with SN's and often grandparents and family run for the hills or play down the disability. Do what you can for your dd but don't let anyone make you feel guilty about the time you spend with your ds.

Well StarlightMcKenzie. What can I say? I am shocked, no, astounded that you had the temerity to wonder if your DD, or perhaps, should we say just D, is perhaps unusually advanced.

How very dare you?

Seriously, come on. You didn't fight for your DS for the good of your health, did you? Why is it that people can fight and get behind families who go to extraordinary lengths to raise money for a risky treatment with very little chance of succeeding, if a child has a physical life-limiting condition, but the OP is neglecting her daughter if she goes to extraordinary lengths to try and get treatment from the life-limiting condition that is ASD?

Because, ASD is life-limiting in its own way. And, believe it or not, a child who grows up with a condition like ASD, turns out to be an adult with ASD. If Starlight can give her DS the resources to capitalise on the strengths is ASD gives him and ameliorate the disadvantages, then life will be much better for Starlight's DS, her DD and her DH, as well as herself.

Believe me, given the drive this woman has, the 'neglect' that she declares over her DD is probably the equivalent of the 'hot-housing' another woman may claim over her child. Starlight is passionate and driven. She's also exhausted.

The grind of facing the difficulties your child has, trying to reduce them, not only for them, but for the rest of the family to survive.

Ok, so her DD managed to slip away and order warm milk. I would venture that she was displaying that far from neglect, she has a secure relationship with her mother, and was confident enough to 'risk' disobeying her for the prize

For all of you who claim that a SN sibling is a drain on the NT child, consider this. DD1 has a brain malformation. She does talk, does walk, but is affected globallly. She goes to special school. We have just been rehoused because the rented house we could afford was unsuitable for her. Her sisters have gained a larger house, with a massive garden, enough to have a vegetable patch and chickens with plenty of safe room to play. All because DD1 has a squiffy brain.

DD2 & DD3 get their respite. DD1 goes to special school while DD2 goes to her mainstream infant school. DD3 potters at home with us. DD2 and DD3 get time together twice per week when DD1 is at her 'kids club' (extended school provision).

We are lucky enough to live in a different county from Star, and after quite a fight, we have support on each night of the week. Twice DD1 goes to Kids club, 1 afternoon each week we have a lovely homestart lady, and twice we have SS contracted support. That's because DD1 was getting frustrated and hurting DDs 2&3. Her sisters love our helpers as much as DD1 does. They benefit just as much as she does.

Star - keep going. You know your DD is a little diamond

Hear, hear, Lougle!

Starlight

When I read abt the milk getting it sounded like something my dd1 would try out... she's turning 3 on Tuesday... precocious dickensy child I tell her all the time She'd talk anyone;s ear off if they let her. I think if you can get your dd some reading materials and maths materials it might help her to pick up a few things.
this site has some easy/toddler friendly play with phonics (it's American) but it's pretty good. She/you may or may not take to it.

My Ds always does the ordering for himself in a restaurant or a cafe. Not only he asks for what he wants he does it in a polite manner. He says something of the following: "Excuse me, what fresh juices do you have? Ok, can I please have such'n'such juice. I would also like some boiled eggs if you have them and a babychino please." My dh and I support and encourage it. After all it is his meal, he knows best what he wants. he is 2y and 10 months. His dad takes him to the loo though.

Your dd seems quite independent, not sure if it is a sign of anything, hard to tell from one example. Maybe you can show her phonics and she can teach herself to read. If the nursery said she is ready for R, she probably is ready to be shown letters and numbers.

Well my experiences are real and relevant so I offered them as an honest response to starlight's OP, I'm sorry if that offends or upsets you lougle. I agree whole heartedly that we should not be criticising starlight (obviously!) but nor is it any good to just gloss over the impact DS's disability could be having on DD (if starlight wanted to do that or thought everything was hunky dory with DD she would never have started the thread).

Oh she sounds brilliant, you don't need to teach her to read at all, just answer her "what does that say?" questions and maybe some foam/magnetic letters for the bath or fridge. She sounds very switched on and intelligent, the formal stuff will come easy to her I imagine.

My ds1 was quite delayed in his speech and is just different to his brother and sister, dd was always very precocious and ds2 at 2 amazes me at what he comes out with. Ds1 is brilliant too obviously, he is getting on well with reception, learning to read and write, but for him it's just different (he doesn't have any diagnosis) it's like he has to learn everything bit by bit, but with the other 2 they just seem to absorb things by osmosis and make leaps that make my head spin.

Just encourage what she likes, talk to her, take her to interesting places. She sounds like she has a scientific mind like my dd. At 8 dd is a wee geek, she is going through a wolves stage atm .

Good luck with getting what your ds needs, I'm sure your dd as long as she is loved and cherished will turn out just fine.

Haven't read the whole thread...
My 26 month old told the waiter to "bring fizzy water please" the other day. He didn't bother to ask me first. Hey presto, we got fizzy water.

Can she not get the free education grant starlight so she can still go to pre-school?

sorry - I butted in on the wrong thread...don't know how I managed that.

She can insancerre, but it would cost us £300 per month to access it.

Thank you Really, Chipmonkey and Lougle for the support.

And thank you to the others for sharing your experiences.

I'm right in thinking you live in Harpenden.

Surely there must be pre schools where your dd could access a pre school education without paying £300 per month. There certainly are in good quality pre schools in Hemel. I would be extremely surprised if there aren't good pre schools with places near you. I not suggesting you go to Hemel as the commute would be ridicolous.

Surely she can go to the nursery attached to a primary school?

We cannot be dropping off at ds' special nursey school (45 mins away) and a preschool for dd at the same time so would have to employ someone to take and pick her up and 'probably' for the time in between.

And ds' specialist placement is in another county so she wouldn't get into a state nursery near it. And private day nurseries have complex arrangements that mean for example you have to pay for a whole day of which you can only use a max of 3 hours per day of grant funding etc. (quite possibly illegal but believe me they are all doing it and if you want anything different they suddenly have no spaces).

Are there any children's centres/LA nurseries near you? In my LA children can access supported daycare places where there is a need, and being the sibling of a child with a disability that takes up a lot of the parent's time/attention counts as a need here.

Your DD sounds bright and very independent - though if she were a couple of weeks older she would be going to Reception, so the nursery saying she seems ready for school isn't necessarily them saying she is G&T. Did they give you her development file/Learning Diary etc? They should be tracking her development and able to tell you what level she is working at (eg physically around 36 months, language around 50 months or whatever).

I dunno RM. I'll probably get slated for saying this but regardless of what they say I can give examples myself her doing pretty much everything (with one or two exceptions) in the 30-50 month profile.

I don't have much faith in the EYFS curriculum skills list because it seemed to all be bollox when applied to DS.

RM, I'm not sure I qualify for supported placements or anything really. My attemp to get respite got me threatened with child protection and the LA dispute my ds' need for a specialist placement which is why we have to go to tribunal shortly.

You can use your 15 hours in whatever combination you want. Ie. you could have 1.5 days or 3 mornings or 3 afternoons in theory.

You can't necessarily have any combination you want - it depends what the setting offers.

I think its shockingly hard to fob 3 year olds off, they work round things. "there's none left" doesn't work, they go off to the fridge and say "yes there is, there's some in the fridge" and if there's none in the fridge they say "but we could go to the shop and get some more" (sorry can't think of a more profound example, but they are very good problem solvers, which is both annoying and normal)

so the milk, that's just immitation, 3 year olds can order for themselves, my 3 year old orders for himself.

Wouldn't send them to the loo alone though, and not because they couldn't manage it

you can't have any combo you want btw

She's about 42 months right Starlight? So being developmentally at 30-50 months sounds perfect.