Is my 3yr old Normal?

[StarlightDicKenzie]

I've pretty much ignored my poor 3yr old dd for the last two years and she has brought herself up amazingly well. My Ds has ASD and taken all of our energy.

Now, it is clear that my dd doesn't NEED much to thrive and I have no worries about her, but something her preschool have said have made me wonder if I am doing her a disservice.

They say that they think she is extremely bright and is ready for reception (she's due into nursery in Sept, but is a Sept birthday so missed reception by a coup,e of weeks).

Now I KNOW she doesn't know much in the way of formal academics. She can't read or do academic maths, but she can solve fairly complex problems and 'negotiate' confidently with pretty much anyone in a precocious way. An example is when we ate in a restaurant she wanted milk and I told her no, so then she said she was going to the toilet and took herself off. (she can do buttons, zips, toilet locks snd wipe etc. independently and well) Whilst she was gone, the waitress brough not only a glass of milk to the table but one that had been 'warmed up'.

Now I'm beginning to think this is all a bit outside normal, but with my first born having ASD (5) who needs help with the toilet and pretty much everything I have nothing as a baseline.

Should I just try and actually TEACH here to read or something?

Her conversations are usually about how owls build their nests or about who likes who at preschool or about waxing or waning moons etc. where she even gets the information is quite beyond me.

I am not sure how to respond really- I am astounded that you would allow a 3yo to go to the loo by themselves in a restaurant.
What if the doors were really heavy and she got stuck, or worse trapped her finger/hand?

How on earth did she reach to wash her hands?

This is going to sound horrible, but her going to the waitress and organising her own milk seems to me a sign that you are not meeting her needs.
I'm sorry, but I am just so shocked, but I don't even let my 6yo go to the loo by herself, and I know full well she cannot manage the doors in most places.

sorry but it's not wether you dd is "normal". I really think that you saying she's bought herself up for last 2 years is a very troubling statement. So from age 1 she's been self caring?!

Fully agree with QZ.
My dgs is also 3 and I consider him extremely bright (biased nana?) others have also said this. His intelligence is entirely due to the attention and stimulation he gets from his mummy and myself and dh.
I realise your ds needs a lot of attention but to admit you have largely ignored your ds is appalling.

I'm sorry starlight, I know you've had an extremely tough past few years.
I guess children pick up information from everywhere- they're little sponges really, so she may have heard others talking about owls, or got the idea from a book (do you have Charlie Cook's Favourite Book- the page with the bird nests?) or from television if you watch it, etc.

Some children are very, very good at getting want the want, they just know exactly how to manipulate people (usually adults) into doing what they want/need. I don;t know if this is normal or unusual btw!

Okay, rambling now, but this has struck a chord, because when I was 2, my brother was born with a lot of health issues, and effectively I was left to get on with it as it were. I am fiercely independent, always have been, find it impossible to allow others to do things for me. I have no relationship whatsoever with my mother. Your DD needs some attention too. Do you get any respite for DS? What about when he's in school? (though am I right in thinking there's a DC3?)

I could read at 2 though if that's any consolation.

I would still take my 5 yo to the loo in a restaurant

Your DD sounds like she is fending for herself which at 3 years old is very sad indeed. She's not gifted. She thought that her mum wouldn't do it for her, so she's had to do it for herself.

I'm sorry to hear you've had difficult times with your son though.

FFS the OP doesn't actually mean that her dd has brought herself up! She is just trying to say that this isn't her pfb who has been hothoused showered with attention.

OP, your dd sounds lovely and very confident. I'm sure she didn't get that way by being neglected , some kids are naturally very self assured and competent. I think it's hard to say whether her behaviour is "normal" - what does that mean anyway?

FWIW, I do agree that it's risky to let her go to the loo by herself at that age, no matter how capable. As for ordering her own milk, my dd would happily have done that at that age, but not without my blessing - she is too much of a goody two-shoes!

And what waitress takes orders for milk to be delivered to the table from a 3 year old, without checking with her parents?

Actually figga, I think most waiting staff would take an order that way- they probably assumed parent had sent her over though rather than her doing it on her own initiative!

From a 3yo? Really?

Doubt it, from my experience.

Otherwise in busy restaurants parents would be sending their children to collar the nearest waiters with their orders, instead of waiting.

I'm pretty sure Starlight was exaggerating when she said her dd had brought herself up! I have read lots of her posts and she seems like a lovely, loving Mum
FWIW, if one child in the family have SNs, they DO take up a lot of time and energy even to get the most basic stuff and other children don't get the time they deserve. I have had this to a lesser extent with my lads, ds1 and ds2 both have SENs but because ds1's teachers complain more about him than ds2's he has had more of my attention and probably more therapy if I added it all up! And the "system" doesn't make any allowances for this and help and respite are scarce unless you are very wealthy and can afford to pay for it yourself.

Starlight, your dd sounds very bright and delightful. I would read to her and get her to do puzzles etc and if she shows an interest in reading herself, encourage this. ( Although, with my optometrists hat on, I don't like children constantly having their head in a book!) Whether she is gifted or not is another thing, some children seem advanced at three and then it all levels out later.

I've pretty much ignored my poor 3yr old dd for the last two years and she has brought herself up amazingly well. My Ds has ASD and taken all of our energy.
It's the OP herself who said this.

This thread is reminding me of the opening scenes of Matilda. You don't go to bingo and leave your DD home to wait for 'packages' do you OP?

I don't think she meant it literally.

Sorry, that was directed at lovebeingnanna

She didn't mean it literally!

If not literally OP obviously feels she has neglected her dd.

I disagree. The OP might wish she could have given her dd more attention, but she also knows that the dd is thriving and has no worries about her. Think you're reading far too much into what she said.

I'm not suggesting OP neglects dd in an abusive way but she feels she hasn't given her as much attention as she would like. This isn't reading too much into what she said but reading what she did say.

OP look into respite care my SIL has severe learning difficulties my mil was her carer for many years until she found it impossible physically. My sil went into respite care every 6 - 8 weeks for 1 or 2 weeks, my mil is the first to admit she couldn't have looked after sil for as long as she did without respite.

Sorry clicked too soon, mil pestered everyone GP, social services, local mp etc. to get respite in place initially.

Poor child. Instead of being on here if you're so busy you should be a mother to your child. And who the hell lets a three year old go to the toilet on their own in a restaurant? If I knew you personally and you did that I would be ringing social services to either help or educate you. And the fact you are so blasé horrifies me.

Have to agree lisaro, apart from child hurting themselves, getting lost etc does OP not realise there are some nasty people in the world letting a 3 year old go anywhere on their own is so risky.

I've let my just 4 year old go to the loo on her own in a restaurant before. It was a restaurant she (and I) knew well, she knew she was quite capable of handling it, and I could see the door to the bathroom from where I was sitting.

She certainly couldn't order milk on her own though, I just don't think this would even occur to her.

I'm not sure if your DD if gifted but she certainly has a lot of initiative And I suspect this will bring her more success in life than superbrains anyway...

Your dd sounds lovely, and yes lots of initiative . You must be proud.

I'm sure the OP just meant dd isn't getting pfb treatment!
She's the same age as my ds who I think of as having second-baby treatment and who is similarly confident and would likely do the milk thing. He's not adept with clothes but will go off and use toilets at friends houses. There's a few restaurant or pub ones I'd let him use himself if he wanted - one cubicle, within sight.

Ds has mastered all the 'academics' they do in his preschool class and is almost reading - they say just keep chatting about things and playing with words and making jokes etc. Your dd sounds lovely and bright so I'd try simply to enjoy and encourage her.