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Gifted and talented

Talk to other parents about parenting a gifted child on this forum.

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Original poster

Do you ever wish your dc was like all the others?

40 replies

giftedanddifferent · 26/07/2011 21:27

I feel terribly guilty even writing this,i love my dd so much and i really am so very proud of her,i just find the fact she so different from her peers hard to deal with,i thought it would be less obvious as she got older but actually the opposite is happening.
Do any other parents find dealing with giftedness hard?I hate saying this and it really does make me feel awful,i have had professionals tell me to love dd for who she is etc and i do completely but that still doesnt make it any easier to deal with

OP posts:

roisin · 26/07/2011 21:47

No, I don't. I used to think it was difficult, but I don't any more.
How old is your dd?

Original poster

giftedanddifferent · 26/07/2011 22:11

she has just turned 5.
please dont think i'm awful,its the differences i find difficult especially when dd is around other children,at home although hard work she is a joy.

OP posts:

Original poster

giftedanddifferent · 26/07/2011 22:17

I should add dd also has selective mutism (not officially diagnosed but we have basically come to the conclusion that this is the case)

OP posts:

MUMMYPLEDGER · 26/07/2011 22:39

Hi I know exactly how you feel. My oldest dd is the current youngest member of mensa. I am so incredibly proud of her, but she is due to start nursery in september and it is a nightmare!!! She is performing at the level of a 7 year old, but is in a group of children who are performing at the level of 3 year olds. Until she starts reception in sept 2012 the school wont do anything to support her as nursery is optional but she is getting so bored at home and will be so bored at nursery. In her induction they all counted to 10 in a group and sang the alphabet. I feel so bad for her because I am scared she will be held back. But then I don't want to seem like a pushy parent nagging the nursery to support her :( i have no idea what to do and what's best for her

EyeOfNewtToeOfFrog · 26/07/2011 23:37

Hi giftedanddifferent - I know how you feel too :-( You're definitely not alone and you're definitely not an awful parent for struggling with a challenging situation! Hang on in there! Your lovely, gorgeous, bright DD is worth it in the end :)

I actually wish I could change the world to accommodate my DD a bit better - not to change my DD to fit into the world! (Except when DD pushes my (many) buttons....)

If it's of any consolation to either of you, it seems to get a little bit easier after the age of 7 when the "age of reason" kicks in emotionally.

Personally I have come to the conclusion that I will encourage DD to "put up with school" because she enjoys the social side, and that we will do most of the enrichment and challenging work with her at home, at weekends and holidays. The main problem is motivating her to do 'basic' level work at school and not get frustrated - but we're slowly getting there with help from school.

Evilclown · 27/07/2011 12:36

If it's of any consolation to either of you, it seems to get a little bit easier after the age of 7 when the "age of reason" kicks in emotionally.

Sorry but it doesn't get better, it just changes.

Op I feel the same way. Don't feel guilty.

Sometimes I have felt despairing with my ds9, who although profoundly gifted is still 9 emotionally.

iggly2 · 27/07/2011 21:48

She is 5 and still learning social skills. Is she PFB? Could you be confusing the difficulties that all children (whether social, educational, developmental, behavioural, sleep depriving....) come with as entirely due to her intelligence? All childen are hard work some times (and there is no harm in finding that).
Mutism (or other personality traits for that matter) is not necessarily due to intelligence.

EyeOfNewtToeOfFrog · 27/07/2011 23:14

OP - please ignore unhelpful comments from MNers who apparently have nothing better to do than cause friction, upset you and question what you, as a parent, know to be true about your DD :) Until you have a gifted child (and perhaps other DC that are not...) you truly do not know what it is to parent a child who is challenging and different. In some ways it is worse than a visible disability or something that carries a diagnosis: you can't even speak about your child's problems to other parents! Schools -instead of helping you and your child - often simply don't understand. Health professionals often ignore what you are telling them. It's a bloody battle all the way sometimes. I think your feelings are completely understandable and very normal under the circumstances. Don't feel bad about feeling like that at times - it absolutely doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad parent.

How hard can it be for people to understand that just as there are some kids who have LOW learning potential (as in, say, Down's syndrome) and most kids who have AVERAGE learning potential, there is a minority of others who have HIGH learning potential. There is so much rubbish said about "it's just a result of pushy parents who talk to their kids a lot". What kind of woolly logic says all kids are just "averagely bright" (apart from those with a learning disability, they're obviously allowed to be different from the norm) - and then, miraculously, blossom into very intelligent adults? What do you expect Einstein was like as a child - just "average"? Or perhaps his parents just talked to him a lot? Actually, Einstein failed maths and had quite a difficult time at school. And if that doesn't give you just a hint of the problems gifted kids can have.....

iggly2 · 27/07/2011 23:57

EyeofNewt. I am not doubting OP daughter's intelligence (as a mother she will know best). Children growing up all have problems of varying sorts at varying times. The answer is to deal with each problem as they come along eg some maybe perfectionists (common with highly intelligent children ...but I am equally sure there are perfectionist non highly intelligent children), some maybe suffering from social problems (eg selective mutism I would think shows a child is experiencing a degree of stress).

What I think is of benefit is to try and avoid associating everything with something percieved as fixed (eg intelligence level) give the child (and OP) the benefit of thinking that YES this situation may get better (the child is 5!). Gifted/Very bright children (and their parents) all have different personalities eg some can be very happy.

As parents I think most of us find something to worry. In different circumstances OP might be worrying about different things (a reflection on opening poster and most other parents including myself).

Original poster

giftedanddifferent · 28/07/2011 07:26

Thanks for your kind replies everyone especially eyeofnewt btw i completely agree that people just don't understand.
It's really helped me to realise i'm not on my own in feeling this way.

OP posts:

iggly2 · 28/07/2011 09:23

Do not blame intelligence or use it to as an excuse for social problems. For example a higher percentage of aspergers and autistic people are gifted compared to the normal population. I would guess though that most social problems they encounter are due to their aspergers and autism rather than their giftedness (I would also think though that in somecases intelligence maybe aided by personality traits linked to aspergers/autism). Help your child socially as much as you can (this includes not making allowances) certainly take a lot of care if you have more than one child not to make allowances for one child and not for the other. I really do hope the mutism improves and you find the parenting easier. I know lots of highly intelligent (probably gifted) people with great social skills. At age 5 there is a lot of social development going on and lots can change I am sure there is likely to be a time when you find it easier to deal with your child then other parents are finding dealing with their own Dcs.

Wallissimpson · 28/07/2011 09:24

Nope, all of mine ( four of 'em1 ) are g&T and different. in fact, so is DH and so am I!

Suits us - we can be happy geeks together!

iggly2 · 28/07/2011 09:27

Wallissimpson, I love your message!

Wallissimpson · 28/07/2011 09:29

Embrace the Geek within!

iggly2 · 28/07/2011 09:29

Happy geeks together!

Original poster

giftedanddifferent · 28/07/2011 09:50

iggly in my op i asked if anyone else found parenting a gifted child hard,you are turning this into a debate about social issues in gifted children,i simply wanted to know if anyone felt the same as myself, not go over weather any social issues my dd has or does'nt have are down to giftedness or not.

OP posts:

iggly2 · 28/07/2011 10:28

I think looking at the responses from the parents is interesting. For example Mummypledger is worried about her gifted child starting nursery before she has attended (Ps my Ds loved nursery and has just finished reception and loved that). Now could this not be because Mummypledger is herself a natural worrier? I think children naturally take a degree of their personalities (anxiety , importance of education..etc) from their parents (whether genetic or nurture). I find having a child (I only have the one) worrying (as no doubt do all parents at times). So much so I am unlikely to have more. I think others have a slightly more relaxed disposition (world population would grind to a halt). Do you not think part of you would perhaps worry about something else in a different situation? I do think selective mutism is cause for concern (the level of anxiety but also manipulation involved is worrying).Though seriously on occasion I do find this section of MN does seem to think that every gifted/bright child must have social/behavioural problems which I do not think is the case.

Wallissimpson · 28/07/2011 12:47

This is an interesting eyeopener for me because being g&t is just no big deal to us. Mine don't do ANY extra curric school work with mine, they are very sporty though.

I think you can make it into a bigger deal than it is TBH. I have no doubt mine could be in MENSA but as I'd never try it out , we'll never know.

iggly2 · 28/07/2011 12:58

Giftedanddifferent in answer to your question: I do not find parenting a gifted child any more difficult than I think a non gifted one would be.

iggly2 · 28/07/2011 13:00

Sport wins! 3 hours plus a day if possible!

iggly2 · 28/07/2011 13:01

Yep to reading too much into it.

Marne · 28/07/2011 13:11

No, i love my girls just how they are, dd1 has Aspergers and i wouldn't change that for the world, its what makes her who she is, yes she struggles with being different but who wants to be normal anyway. Dd2 has Autism and hyperlexia which meens she picks things up really fast, she has very poor socail skills and i do worry about how she will cope with life but again, i wouldn't change her for the world.

Original poster

giftedanddifferent · 28/07/2011 13:56

with respect iggly you state in one of your posts that you have one child so how can you possibly know if it's easier to parent a gifted or non gifted child

OP posts:

iggly2 · 28/07/2011 13:57

I said think

iggly2 · 28/07/2011 13:59

My son is highly social. I am used to looking after lots of his friends and him!

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