Do you ever wish your dc was like all the others?

[giftedanddifferent]

I feel terribly guilty even writing this,i love my dd so much and i really am so very proud of her,i just find the fact she so different from her peers hard to deal with,i thought it would be less obvious as she got older but actually the opposite is happening.
Do any other parents find dealing with giftedness hard?I hate saying this and it really does make me feel awful,i have had professionals tell me to love dd for who she is etc and i do completely but that still doesnt make it any easier to deal with

giftedanddifferent - if its any consolation I wholeheartedly agree.

A teaching advisor I once met said (in terms of teaching, not parenting) that teaching a gifted child was far more challenging than teaching a SEN child. In many cases a gifted child can require stimulation at a much faster rate than a teacher can provide it. She also said she wouldn't want to be in my shoes.

Thats not saying that having a SEN needs child is at all easy, only that the amount of stimulation a gifted child can need is challenging.

Hey GiftedandDifferent - keep your chin up! :) As you can see there are many who feel exactly the same way as you do from time to time.

Iggly2 - imagine you lived in a world 99% populated with people with Down's syndrome. You like everyone well enough, but.... have very little to talk about with most of them. You would only meet another person like you once in a blue moon. Now imagine you're a primary school age kid dealing with this.

....and then tell me simply being 30% more intelligent than average can't cause social problems in its own right, without any medically diagnosable condition.

FWIW - I never used to find parenting my G&T DD hard. Until I aquired a less G&T DSS, and had another (probably) non-G&T DD. Compared with my first DD the others area an absolute piece of cake. I love them all the same, but they are very different.

BTW, OP - have you tried posting on the NAGC forums? I find it very supportive & constructive over there

I agree that it can be over-whelming, i homeschool an extremely bright child, she drove me mental because when she was a baby, she wasn't doing 'normal' things like all her playmates! But now, i love it, i am continously learning new things with her, although she knows a heck of lot more than me in certain subjects!

I hope it gets better for you x

Agree with you OP. I look at my DS's contented and conforming siblings and just wish he could have just some of their happiness and friendships and fit in at school. I love some of the challenges and discussions DS brings to my day but find it so distressing that no one else finds this the case as he annoys all the other children and teachers yet wants to have friends.

There's a lot that's difficult about it, but a lot that's wonderful. I think with any extreme, you have a tendency sometimes to notice the glaring difficulties and differences, the huge effort involved and the allowances that have to be made, and take for granted the good things. Basically, it's not until you've lost it that you realise and truly value what it was that you had. And I think it's foolish to wish you had something more "normal," because normality is a fiction - every child has its own bundle of issues and parents with their own neuroses, most of which an outsider can only guess at. I've known plenty of apparently "normal" children who turned out to have been miserable, or hiding difficulties, or suffering numerous injustices at home that completely wrecked their adulthood, and wouldn't in retrospect have wanted to swap lives with any of them. The same applies with my children - no point wishing I could have children a bit more apparently normal, if in reality I'm just wishing away all their difficulties, keeping their advantages and in the process imagining a human being that couldn't really exist.

i sometimes find that parenting my children is hard and sometimes I wish they were different. neither is exceptionally gifted, though one is quite bright (has the benefit of an early years teacher as a mum so probably taught the "correct jargon" ) dd reads well at home then not at school, this can feel worrying at times. ds's is an exceptionaally gifted 3 year old... at tantrums and ignoring mum completely. all children have areas of weakness and we often wish they could change/be different, it is not just giftedness that brings difficulties. I think it is harder to get support though as it can be seen as boasting by other parents.

...you can't even speak about your child's problems to other parents! Schools -instead of helping you and your child - often simply don't understand. Health professionals often ignore what you are telling them. It's a bloody battle all the way sometimes. I have this problem and feel this with bright dd, dread to think what it would be like with a really well ahead child.

As far as I am concerned it is not dd's giftedness that brings problems, it is her physical disability and the fact that she is often ill and in pain. I worry far more about her brother who has the same disability but does not have her giftedness to compensate. If you are incapacitated for maybe 1/3 of your time you do need to believe you are brighter than other people to make up for it. It is harder to keep your courage up when you are also of average ability and feel you have no leeway.

Both of them are equally sociable and find no difficulty in adapting to different people; can't see any difference between them there, except that dd has a wider range, being able to talk to adults (and some of her peers) about grown-up topics, and with other peers and little brother about popular music and fashion.

Nor can I imagine a situation where dd wouldn't find enough to stimulate herself, with millions of books and over 6000 languages in the world. Not to mention the opportunities of learning instruments, composing your own music, writing your own stories, doing nature projects, chemical experiments etc- you'd need several lifetimes, even if in the best of health.

I believe gifted children, like non-gifted children, come with different personalities: some require almost constant stimulation, others prefer a more autonomous learning style. Dd has never been keen on my involvement, but leaving books lying around and dropping casual hints about what I enjoy works much better.

Also, it depends on you as a parent what you find tiring: I found dd much easier because I could talk to her as to an undergraduate from an early age; with ds I had to take the trouble to remember to explain things in simple language, and sometimes I had to explain twice (!), which I found much harder work. If you explain something to dd, it stays explained.

It is no doubt partly a question of personality, partly of resources- being an academic family probably helps, having a bit of spare cash certainly helps. Amazon is a godsend and charity shops are wonderful places. And living in a university town where interesting books end up in the Help the Aged shop (not like the hole I grew up in).

I think parents do worry when their child appears "different" in whatever way that manifests itself.

I don't have an exceptionally gifted child, but all my children have strengths and weaknesses and I worry about all of those weaknesses in their own right.

I don't worry about the strengths, I try and encourage them and although sometimes is frustrating when they are held back by someone, usually perseverance in tackling the issues pays off eventually! (although I understand is tiring and annoying).

I do understand how you feel op and it can be really trying. I think now I am just coming to terms with how things are and feel lucky. DD1 who is 5 kindly told her sister 3.4 that if she didn't put the toys away (for my neighbour who was asking her to do it) that she would inform me that she had been naughty in order for her to do as she was asked ......showing responsibility to my friend and loyalty I see that as her true gift rather than reading years ahead (which she is )

I do get a bit hassled by it sometimes. Extra curricular activities are rearing their head currently as a real problem. DD is shoved into her age group, but she finds it really hard as her understanding is so far ahead that she becomes bored and restless, and the teaching that keeps the other kids involved just bores DD. I've had to change swimming teachers as DD's previous teacher taught each lesson according to a plan, not taking into account that DD was mastering it all first time, DD was so frustrated, after the lesson she burst out "why isn't she teaching me something useful? This is so dull!"

She is now old enough to understand the other children don't pick things up so quickly but we have had problems in the past when she used to burst out "what is wrong with you?" to some poor child, who isn't quite as fast on the uptake as DD is. It is also horrendously difficult to talk about this in real life without sounding like a deluded obsessed twerp, or as arrogant and snitty.

I am constantly conflicted between feeling very fortunate and really wishing DD could blend in, just sometimes. We went to a science display/presentation and DD corrected the lady giving the presentation for instance...

And 3 weeks ago DD came to me and said "I'm not normal, am I mummy?"

On the plus side her new school seems good and the head of library came to me last term and said "I've changed my book buying policy now your DD is at the school, I'm buying new stock". I nearly fell on her shoulder and cried with gratitude.

Miggsie I do understand this problem. We enrolled dd1 at ballet and although a late starter she mastered what needed to be done by the 4th lesson. After that dd wasn't fussed because she was bored but she is not allowed to move up because of her age . We will not continue because of this. I have had huge problems with her socially aswell because she likes a certain girl at the same academic level as her and this girl is not in the same class next year.......she feels she is being left out but I am pleased that she can make friends with dc older than her as it is a mixed class of yr 1 and 2. Very difficult atm though

hi all my 8 year old is also gifted and have been told he works over the level of a 13 year old and im very proud of him .. but sadly to say he is autistic and his true Intelligence dose not shine past hes odd behaviour so lots of people and many children of the same age treat him like hes a dummy . The older he gets the more baby like he seems to others wish i could pin a note on his back to let everyone know how bright he truly is :)

I do empathise, particularly with the selective mutism. Like you this was not officially diagnosed in DS but we now realise what is was. This really is very difficult to deal with and of course you worry what your child is going through t o react in this way and how it will all play out. For us, now we are through that phase, i can look forward to the future with optimism. Yes, there have been trials along the way when one difficulty just seems to be replaced by another and for my child I would say this has been more pronounced than experienced by others. However, now the social issues have been resolved (3 years later) we are intensely proud of our gifted DS and love him for who he is, quirks and all. My DS is in fact a highly social child with a strong need to interact with others, so it is not necessarily a sign of underlying social difficulties.

I would say get all the help and support you need to understand the condition; I have always reached out to any help that was offered. I think it can be very difficult to treat once the behaviour becomes too entrenched. The school/GP should be helping your DD.

what aspects of giftedness are you finding it hard to deal with, op? others have discussed 'keeping up' etc, but you don't seem to be sharing which aspect you find difficult (hence the discussions of social difficulties - it's reasonably frequently that poor behaviour crops up on here and is excused by a gifted label)

it might be easier to keep the discussion on track if we know what you're struggling with.

fwiw i find dd2's disability more of a problem than her 'giftedness'. and i find ds1's undiagnosed difficulties waaaaay more of a problem than his 'giftedness'. and 'gifted' dd1 is a bit of ant dream tbh - not difficult in any way shape or form - so she'll probably be pg at 14.

can you elucidate what you find difficult?

that should say 'nt dream'. she's not an insect or anything.