OK. Talk to me about possible eating disorder

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I've posted on here before about weight etc (have namechanged since then), about my low BMI and whether it was 'normal' etc. I was very resentful of people talking about eating disorders, but am starting to try and look at that possibility more realistically now. Also, was on a thread last night that made me think.

My BMI is 17.6, making me about half a stone underweight. I'm 5 ft 4. My DP was the first to point it out, but more people are saying the same thing now. I went to the GP after I was advised to on here. He said I was about half a stone underweight, but he wasn't really worried about my health - my periods are fine and I have no health issues or anything weird going on with my body.

Sometimes I think I am just a slim person, and it's normal etc. I know I'm underweight, and have a strong desire to remain looking like this which shouldn't be right. But I don't go to crazy lengths to stay this way - I don't make myself puke, I don't starve myself, live on coffee etc. I will eat something if I really want it, even if it is the most calorific thing in the world. But I realise now that I have lost perspective on what a reasonable weight/amount of food to eat is. When I'm thinking about what to eat it panics me a bit, because I don't want to eat too much. I'm constantly working out what I've eaten that day and whether I can 'afford' to eat more.

Before Christmas I decided the best way to deal with it would be to do more exercise, to stimulate my appetite, and eat more. But what's actually happened is I'm not eating that much more, and am burning calories I probably can't afford. I don't think I have lost anymore weight though.

I was watching some diet programme on the telly and there was a girl on there who I thought was about my weight. But she was actually 2 st heavier. And she was the same height as me. This makes me think that I'm really not seeing what other people are seeing, which is a bit scary.

Basically, I know I'm not really going to damage myself. I can't imagine I will ever be one of those poor women who have heart failure or whatever. I do eat quite a lot really, frequently will eat sweets, some chocolate etc. So it can't really be a problems can it, if I do that? If you think I'm just overreacting, please say, it will make me feel better!

No, not stupid mind. Stupid eating disorder. Hate it. It's a constant to-oing and fro-ing. Yes, I can eat and beat this! No, I don't want to eat! Right! That's it, I want that dinner! Nooo, too many calories. I've eaten it, I feel better, followed by guilt.

Glad you ordered the books. I shall do the same soon, I expect. I am at the stage where I am absolutely sick of the to-ing an fro-ing described above, so will make an effort.

You are wondering whether to talk to your partner. I am wondering whether to talk to my mum. She is telling everyone (except me) that she is worried about me. It may well be time for an open and honest chat. Scary. I shall talk to my counsellor first. Tomorrow.

Have a lovely day Brahms. Keep talking. Please let me know what the books are like, and if you recommend them (I shall actually give you time to read them first!!).

I am fed up with this. I have been trying to eat more, a little too successfully it feels. I am now up to about 1,600 calories a day - can't be more than that - but it feels like loads and I feel out of control. I want to eat nothing for a week! (I won't - haven't got the self-control). I just feel like a massive failure. My stomach feels massive.

DP still really doesn't get it - he does think it's good I'm trying to put on weight, but he thinks it's funny to say things like, e.g. when booking a hotel for us for the summer 'I have booked a king-size bed, I don't know how big you'll be'. It's obviously a joke, but hits a bit of a nerve.

twoisplenty - have got 'Overcoming Anorexia' by Christopher Freeman. It's quite good, but I haven't got the patience for the CBT things, and also since reading it I don't feel like what I have is 'serious' enough (as obviously he describes people who are really serious, like 5-stone, eating-tissues serious, which I'm not).

Thanks for letting me know about the book. I do find it annoying that there is an assumption that all ed are in the severe range.

Just thinking - there is the beat website, which I looked at last week. There is a section where people have described their ed. Very interesting to read, I would recommend that. Also, have a look at a website called ED-NOS. It is eating disorders non-specified. Anorexia and bulimia have criteria to be met, ie weight below 15% of normal weight, no periods for 3 months etc. For those of us who don't fit this, but are still suffering just as badly, there is ED-NOS. Very useful.

Finally! Before counselling starts, which, I confess, counselling can be quite arduous, have you considered a natural therapy such as reflexology or acupuncture etc? These can be very useful for calming mind and body, and putting positive energy within yourself. (I am seeing a natural therapist next week for my first appointment. I know her well already, she has looked after my dc, and she is lovely. I am hoping she can give me some energy and calm.) If these are costly then try looking at a local college which runs courses on natural therapies - they have clinics for a vastly reduced fee.

I understand the failure, and massive stomach feeling btw. And the loss of control. I imagine it feels like a no-win situation. But now you have motivation, and books, and the GP etc, then things will improve. But it does take time. Best wishes.

Brahms- why does eating 1600 cals make you feel like a massive failure? or do you mean a failure because you are upset by eating so much?

I think you have to tell your boyfriend what is going on- the jokes are fine for anyone who is just trying to put weight on but not for anyone with an ED.

I would caution against using a college for acupuncture or anything like this- I have had it loads and found very experienced people- anyone who is still training could do more harm than good.

I also suggest you stick with the CBT approach- think of it as an academic exercise to get your mind round!

Mind over Mood is not hard and has lots of easy exercises.

It feels like I'm eating loads and loads. If you asked me how much I felt I ate today, it would be about 3000 calories, but it physically isn't, it's about half that. It's such hard work because I'm stuck in between the two 'realities', the real reality that I need to put on weight and my own reality in which it feels really wrong. I feel OK with about 1300 a day max, because I read somewhere that's what you need to survive.

But despite all this I'm still not even sure I have an ED - it's not extreme enough, and I'll never be that obsessive. Sometimes I think I'm just lazy and vain and neurotic. Does anyone ever have perfect eating habits?

Don't think I could face acupuncture - I don't even want this blood test. Mind Over Mood is in the post I think.

Reflexology is nice and relaxing. I take your point purplepeony.

Brahms, I wouldn't force yourself to eat more, just concentrate on eating things you like, when you like, but aim for three meals a day, or 6 snacks, whichever feels more comfortable. You do not have to put weight on yet. It will be detrimental because if you push it, you will end up wanting to eat less and feeling frustrated.

Once you start dealing with CBT or counselling etc, you can explore issues which, once done, you will no longer feel the need to control what you eat, you will feel more relaxed around food.

And try not to compare your ed with people at death's door. You still have the same thought patterns. You are still struggling. You still want it resolving and to feel better about yourself and food.

Brahms, sorry but you do have an ED- even thinking about the cals and writing what you have just now is not "normal".You can survive on less but that's not the point is it? I did a weight loss thing online as I want to lose about 5lbs and because I am small anyway, the stats said I needed to eat around 800-900 cals a day to lose 2lbs a week. The point I am making is that you should not be obsessing over what you should eat to stay alive- but what you should eat to be a healthy weight.

Why not aim for 6 small meals and graze? Do you like dips, hummus,nuts, dried fruits and easy to nibble foods like that? They are high in cals and nutritious too.