OK. Talk to me about possible eating disorder

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I've posted on here before about weight etc (have namechanged since then), about my low BMI and whether it was 'normal' etc. I was very resentful of people talking about eating disorders, but am starting to try and look at that possibility more realistically now. Also, was on a thread last night that made me think.

My BMI is 17.6, making me about half a stone underweight. I'm 5 ft 4. My DP was the first to point it out, but more people are saying the same thing now. I went to the GP after I was advised to on here. He said I was about half a stone underweight, but he wasn't really worried about my health - my periods are fine and I have no health issues or anything weird going on with my body.

Sometimes I think I am just a slim person, and it's normal etc. I know I'm underweight, and have a strong desire to remain looking like this which shouldn't be right. But I don't go to crazy lengths to stay this way - I don't make myself puke, I don't starve myself, live on coffee etc. I will eat something if I really want it, even if it is the most calorific thing in the world. But I realise now that I have lost perspective on what a reasonable weight/amount of food to eat is. When I'm thinking about what to eat it panics me a bit, because I don't want to eat too much. I'm constantly working out what I've eaten that day and whether I can 'afford' to eat more.

Before Christmas I decided the best way to deal with it would be to do more exercise, to stimulate my appetite, and eat more. But what's actually happened is I'm not eating that much more, and am burning calories I probably can't afford. I don't think I have lost anymore weight though.

I was watching some diet programme on the telly and there was a girl on there who I thought was about my weight. But she was actually 2 st heavier. And she was the same height as me. This makes me think that I'm really not seeing what other people are seeing, which is a bit scary.

Basically, I know I'm not really going to damage myself. I can't imagine I will ever be one of those poor women who have heart failure or whatever. I do eat quite a lot really, frequently will eat sweets, some chocolate etc. So it can't really be a problems can it, if I do that? If you think I'm just overreacting, please say, it will make me feel better!

He sounds a sad soul who is making the most of you whilst he can. He also sounds incredibly paternal towards you- especially with the " come on be a good girl and finish off your dinner" approach. If you cannot be honest with him then what's the point?

How does he think you will get married soon when he is your boyfriend?

This does not sound like an adult-to-adult relationship in any way.

If I dare ask- how big is the age gap? more than 20 years?

justall, he's not a GP! I think he skived the mental health lectures at uni tbh.

The age gap is 24 years (he looks about 10 years younger than he is though). He is convinced that sooner or later I will meet someone else and go off and have babies or something. He is quite paternal sometimes I suppose, but I don't think it's unhealthy as such. It would be unhealthy if he tried to make me depend on him.

well age should not matter- that's my view.

As for making the best of what it is - this relationship- even though you both acknowledge it may not last- that's okay too- plenty of marriages don't last either!

What worries me is that you don't seem hapy with him-you cannot be yourself and surely that is what being with someone should be- to let them know you, warts and all?

If he has an intolerance/aversion to anything remotely "mental health" and a pull yourself together attitude, what on earth do you see in him? I know all partners have their faults, but this is a pretty big one.

Not being able to share something as big as this, your ED, seems crazy in what you want to think of as a loving relationship.

Can't you see that? everyone else can.

I just don't think he will understand. After all, eating disorders are totally illogical. I don't really understand it myself. He's not unsympathetic to people with mental health problems but I don't think he can see why people can't snap out of it - most people who have never had or encountered such problems are the same.

peony - do you know of any good books on EDs?

Why not give him the chance- if he has such an approach then maybe he needs the chance to learn to understand as much as you need to be able to share your problems?

Sorry- I don't know of any good books, but you might also try looking for good books on raising self esteem. I can recommend any by Gladeana McMahon who is a BACP counsellor/psychotherapist and coach- search her on amazon.

If the relationship is already described as paternal I can understand the reluctance to introduce a quasi carer role
ultimately, with an ed you're on your own

I had a thought- one general book is Mind over Mood by Padesky- it is a CBT-based book but very user friendly and has been used with eating disorders.

www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0859698696/gladeanamcmah-21

This page and others is worth looking at too.

thanks pp, will have a look

Hi Brahms. There was a book recommended on my thread, I shall go and have a look and tell you the title.

I was very scared of "confessing" my anorexia to my dh - he sounds like your partner in the fact that things are "fixable", things are "black and white" and therefore a psychological condition involving such a normal thing as food would seem incomprehensible. However, he has supported me. He has not interfered with my bad days, or told me I must eat. He has been genuinely supportive of my decision to go to the GP (I also had blood tests last week, and the GP wanted to send me for an ECG but I don't feel my heart is damaged).

So therefore, it was a good decision to talk to my dh. To have an ED within a relationship and keep the partner in the dark is a relationship based on a lie. An ED is such a horrid thing, you need support. How do you know your partner cannot support you until you let him in?

Dr Freeman, "Overcoming Anorexia". That was recommended to me. I confess I haven't looked into buying it yet, I must ask my counsellor about this. I hope your counselling starts soon, Brahms.

thanks two. I hope your blood tests come back OK. I was shocked that my GP wanted me to have an ECG, surely I can't have damaged my heart. However I would rather have the ECG than the blood tests because I am a wuss.

I have managed to eat a fair amount today (without much enjoyment, just putting it in myself) and am pondering having something else now. But I don't feel I can have it without exercising... I do want to fix this, but I don't at the same time. Argh.

I have just read this thread through, and am really pleased to see that you have started to get some help. I don't know a lot about ED but I was wondering about your relationship with your DP. You seem to me to be making a LOT of assumptions about what your DP's feelings e.g. doesn't want to be responsible for an ill person outside work, he only loves you up to a point (even though he says he loves you), he would get bored if he saw your vulnerable side all the time.

I'm seeing this relationship differently from some of the other posters. I have a picture in my head of someone who does care about you, possibly very much (he tries to make sure you eat, he 'adores' you) but isn't ALLOWED fully into your life, because it is so important to you to be self-sufficient. You don't even want to try letting him in, you use the age difference as an excuse to keep him at a distance because the thought of relying on him scares you.

So, I agree wholeheartedly with twoisplenty- give your DP the chance to support you, before you consider moving on.

It is true I don't let him in wholly because I think he won't understand, but I won't know that unless I tell him.

Another thing is (and I am getting ready to duck here) although he does want me to put on weight, he only really wants me to put on weight on certain parts of my body. I am a definite apple shape, although at the moment my waist is small so my stomach is flat. My legs always stay slim but I put on weight round my middle. He has said, you only started losing weight because you hate your stomach, but there's nothing wrong with it that a bit of exercise wouldn't fix (this is a stomach that fits into size 8/10 clothes btw, even when I was heavier). We were once walking through London and he pointed out a woman walking the other way who had a bit of a belly, but nothing major and said 'I want you to put on weight, but you don't have to go that far'. He basically thinks if I put weight back on it will go straight on my breasts and legs. I know it won't (well it will a bit obviously). He only said it because I said it first, iyswim, he never mentioned it before that, but I think this thought is sort of holding me back.

Just tried to exercise, felt dizzy so had to stop. Fucksticks.

btw, thanks for reading the whole thing Pozzled! It is pretty long now

Oh Brahms...
I am off to bed now but had to post before turning in.

Your last post is so sda.
There are 2 ways to look at it- either he is an insensitive sod, who thinks you can spot-add weight to suit his fantasy of the perfect female form, OR you have been overly senstive and taken to heart a flippant comment.

The big question though is- why do you feel the need to please him, rather than doing what is healthy, if this is true? or are you turing the whole thing on its head and making his comments an issue for you not eating? ie- my boyfriend won't like me fatter, so that's why I won't eat- whereas in fact the real reason you won't eat is because you have an ED and it is nothing to do with your boyfriend!

There are so many anomolies running through your posts- you don't want to be controlled, yet you are allowing him to control you.....by not eating so you don't get fat in the wrong places.

It's a muddle isn't it?

Iknow you care about this man, but he seems to be playing a bigger part in your ED than you are willing to admit. Maybe part of your recovery will have to be moving on from this relationship- or at least giving it a bloody good shake-out so it is healthier than it is.

"There are 2 ways to look at it- either he is an insensitive sod, who thinks you can spot-add weight to suit his fantasy of the perfect female form, OR you have been overly senstive and taken to heart a flippant comment."

I know. The thing is, no one can say anything to me to do with weight anymore, or I will overthink it. He wouldn't have said it if he thought it would upset me.

Brahms- all the more reason for telling him what you are going through.

TBH if you cannot open up, as others have said, your relationship is based on lies. It sounds as if you have a deep distrust of him, in that if he were to know the real you, he'd disappear. If he did, then he doesn't care much anyway. Surely you have to give himthe chance to either support you in your hour of need, or bugger off- and if that is what he dos, he is not worth having.

I second the "Mind Over Mood" book as a very simple, easily read introduction to CBT. Since you have had issues with anxiety and depression in the past, and your disordered eating seems very much tied in with your peculiar view of yourself and your relationships, it might be a better starting point than a book purely about eating disorders? It also is quite an appealing approach for people who very much overthink issues (which normally actually means they discount the positives as unprovable and over-research their own negative hypothesis), because it demonstrates how much power your own thought processes have over your feelings and behaviour.

I was also at one point recommended a book called "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It is supposed to be exceptionally helpful at helping people to deal with long-term stress, pain, depression or illness. I confess to never having read it, as it is a long book, but it is supposed to be very good.

No-one on here can tell you what your relationship with your partner is like, we have never met you or him, and can't pass judgments. I would give it some time before deciding anything about changing things about your life, and find out honestly what is going on, through a counsellor. From the things you have written about him, though, he sounds a reasonable sort of chap, so don't discount him yet!

I am just thinking, though. I had to tell my dh about my ED because I could no longer eat anything resembling a meal. I couldn't eat in front of anyone. So he had to know. BUT it sounds like you are eating small meals, and can manage to get by without things being noticed - am I right? If so, perhaps it is worth considering a few sessions with counselling, to be able to decide how to tell him, and how much to tell him. A lot of people don't understand eating issues, and focus on the physical health rather than the psychological issues underneath.

I am saying this, because, my counsellor told me that my ED, albeit rather bad at the time, was a coping mechanism, one that works for me, to help me get through. She focusses on the emotional stuff, and knows that the ED will resolve itself when I feel ok about myself. (Well, that was until last week, we are now looking into extra support seeing as I have upped the game, so to speak, ie my thread about not drinking...)

So, although I have told my dh, I have not told my parents, friends or anyone else. They don't need to know. They know I am struggling with something, and am having counselling, and that is fine.

I suppose the important question is, when will your counselling start?

I don't know when it will start.

I have started to voice my internal thoughts to him a bit more, e.g. 'Shall I eat this or not', which is obviously not what a normal person would do. I am hoping he will pick it up and engage with it if he wants to. I haven't told my friends directly, but they are already treating me like I'm anorexic - I went to a dinner party the other night of 8 or so friends, and when it came to the pudding the hostess said 'Brahms, I'm guessing you will only have a very tiny piece?' (I didn't have any). If I refuse any food ever, they all look at each other.

I know I'm not eating enough, but I have a very strong social veneer, so if I go to dinner somewhere I will eat - just smaller than everyone else, less calorific things, and I might not completely finish it. I don't just survive off lettuce leaves and diet coke or anything. I am thin, but I'm the sort of weight where it's believable that it could be natural. My health is pretty much OK to an outside observer (will see what tests say).

I don't think people actually do treat others like an anorexic. Not many people would ever guess, because they believe it is a teenage thing. I would hazard a guess that your friends/colleagues just know your ways at the dinner table. None of my friends have guessed my ed, and my weight got very very low before Christmas. No-one even said I looked thin! I covered up with lots of layers etc.

I would rather guess that you are (naturally) pre-occupied with this ed at the moment, I know it is a new idea to you, it is frightening, and takes a lot of getting used to. So therefore you assume everyone is looking and judging. I really don't think they are, you are still the same person as a few weeks ago, when you were denying a problem.

I have had to learn that it really doesn't matter what people are thinking anyway. It is your choice and right to choose whatever you want in life, be it with a dinner menu, or clothes, choice in music, whatever it is.

I really hope you can start counselling soon, I know that anorexic type thinking is just horrible and scary. I sympathise, I really do.

I wasn't scared until I went to this different GP and she referred me for an ECG and blood tests, which made me think that I might really be damaging myself. And it is scary that a lot of people say you never wholly get over it, so I might be having to fight it for the rest of my life. Determined to get it sorted before the possibility of a baby arises.

People say you never wholly get over it. That is basically true, but it doesn't mean you have to fight for ever. What will happen is that you learn a better coping mechanism, start to enjoy eating and feel comfortable around food. Only if you face some traumatic or difficult event will you return to disordered eating patterns. For me, I have been well for 15 years, eating well, not thinking about weight. Yes, making sure I eat healthily, but not obsessing. It was when I started talking about difficult experiences, that I found myself in trouble. But I am managing, and I know I will feel better soon.

Try not to be worried about blood tests/ecg. It is a standard first line thing that a good GP will do. Mine came back fine btw, even though I ate only around 300 calories for months and felt very unwell. So if my blood is ok, I am logically thinking that yours will too!

I ordered the books suggested. Have eaten better today and yesterday (although I didn't enjoy yesterday much) i.e. eaten a cooked meal today and toast, and yesterday two cooked meals. Feel that I can't really have an ED if I eat this much. Now I feel like I'm 'failing' at this, even though eating is obviously positive. Stupid mind.