TAMOXIFEN THREAD HERE ***

[MaryAnnSingleton]

Am sick of my messages never getting through - I have had 7 attempts to reply to Cakes' last post- am starting a new thread ....
this is what I wrote anyway.....

righto, this i my 7th attempt to reply on this thread - everything keeps disappearing !
My assessment is on 25th,and am told to allow two hours for it,crikey !!
Saw a lady in town yesterday who was having rads and finished at about the same time as me and she's just seen the onc. for her follow up - they are running very behind I know- so I emailed to ask about mine - I tie myself in knots in trying to be assertive yet not too needy or a nuisance - I suppose I just like to feel that everything is done in order. Am not worrying about my health -am sure breast is fine and dandy, it's more my emotional state which troubles me.
Anyway, they have made me an appointment but it's at the same time as my assessment so have emailed back and left a phone message...arghh !
Special thoughts for RWU today and of course KurriKurri - hope all ok..and of course you Cakes and Morph.

Congrats from me too! A great auntie, how grand (and far enough removed to have no duties - excellent)

thanks ladies! although they are nearly three hours away i am expecting a mercy dash at some point to rescue the poor child- parents are not exactly clued up on babies, she comes to visit periodically and sits on the sofa petrified of my kids- she looked at dd like she was from outer space when she was tiny! I think niece had a BIG shock when she went into labour lol! she had expected a nice relaxed hypno-home birth with whale music, scented candles and dimmed lights took all of an hour an a half to start screaming for the epidural and insisting on going into hospital for one but bubs is lovely (well she looks like winston churchill and has the requisite number of fingers and toes so its a good start!)

Right i am on a mission to finish DDs new woolly nappy cover tonight (i have tested my new found knitting skills and knitted her name into the bum ) and i want her to wear it to show off at toddlers tomorrow pm so must get it finished and sewn up ready to lanolise and dry overnight.

Congratulations RWU - lovely to see some good news on the thread!

What on earth is lanolising?

You knitted her name into the bum? Words fail me!

PS -Goodnight Pennies! Sleep well!

Evening ladies, how are you all? Lots happening in the last few days on this thread. Glad to hear that you are through the op and recuperating Pennies - hope BB got on well too. Sorry to haer that your dad isn't well KK and your MIL too RWU.

Good news too re your contract Cakes - so impressed that you are working through this - I can't remeber where you are with your treatment. I feel a bit guilty because lots of people on chemo manage to continue working and I have just been floored.

great news about your great niece RWU - you are overdue some good news i think. Well impressed by the knitting thing - do you do a lot of knitting and crafty things?

Reading your post SR, I sympathise. I was desperate to get on with my treatment and it seemed to take ages to get things lined up. I still get cheesed off when a chemo session gets cancelled and everything gets shoved back a week.

I'm off for bloods tomorrow and hopefully chemo no. 5 on Friday. I am really excited (how sad is that) because I can see and end to the chemo now.

Blinking freezing here today - can't get out so finally gave in and sowed some seeds inside. Far too early (as usual - make the same mistake every year but I am so impatient for the growing season to get going)but wanted to play with my new heated propagator. There's something great about seeing green shoots appear - gives me a lift every time it happens.

Off for a cuppa now. Hope you all have a good night.

tis my new hobby! means dh gets some peace and the wool shop makes a fortune out of dh's credit card me

Yep- name and a heart on the bum, just finished the casting off, and weaving in from the intarsia, going to sew it up and put some crochet ruffles on the leg then we're good to go and i'll take a pic! Lanolising is soaking it in the natural wool fat so that it sinks into the fibres as the lanolin is usually taken out before spinning as it makes it sticky-ish- its what makes wool waterproof (ever seen a soggy sheep)

very impressive RWU -can you show us a picture (of name and heart,not the soaking in wool fat) ?
Fingers crossed for good bloods and 5th chemo Haggis - it must be good to see light at the end of the tunnel. Hope you're feeling rested Pennies. Thinking of KK's dad and RWU MIL and of course BurningBright.
First day of Lent and no chocolate until April 4th - weirdly I dreamed of a huge chocolate teacake thing and of RWU - she was living round the corner from me where I lived as a child and taking me somewhere in her car (not the landy)-very odd.

Sounds like a much nicer dream than mine, MAS - I was in a very odd place with weirdy music playing quietly in the background (think Santa's place in The Polar Express) and kept losing dd. Then while I was looking for both her and the toilet - they are always in my dreams - some random guy grabbed my crotch, I punched him in the head and got told off.

Haggis - don't feel bad about feeling floored, it's not something you have any control over, I was lucky. Also I am now more than two months past the end of radio as well, so I have fewer excuses not to do a bit of work occasionally.

Session 5 of the chemo was esciting for me too, you can feel the end in sight. Hope you get to go ahead with it, then you really will be in sight of the finish line.

RWU - we need pics of the nappy cover if possible without blowing too much cover. I was going to say I hope her name is short, for the sake of your eyesight - but have just remembered that I know what it is.

www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=156815&id=727616948&l=f2536447bd there you go, a few pics!

i'm flattered that i feature in your dreams MAS popping out to soft play but i will return soon!

wow ! fab- you are very clever !

WOW RWU - that is so clever. I can only do basic knitting but my DD likes more challenging patterns - seems to thrive on them! Congratulations on being a great aunt too. I am almost losing count of my great- nieces/nepehews, but think there are 9 of them! Unfortunately they all live a long way away so I rarely see them. However I do have a lovely photogallery of them in the kitchen as 4 of them were born in 2009! (I am the youngest of 4 and there a big gap so my nephews and nieces are not really a generation younger than me, more like half a generation!

Good to see everyone sounding pretty positive at the mo. I have just written a diary entry highlighting why I should be more positive! (Its just this waiting thing). I'm also trying to line up more visits to and from friends as this does help a lot. I think this week is quiet due it being half term so folk are away and my dear teenager is in bed till mid-day. He is helping out once he's up though!

Just looked at the pics, and I am in awe.

That is so cute RWU - she will look adorable.. Your knitting is considerably more impressive than mine!

Thanks for good wishes everyone for Dad, He is a bit perkier and being cheeky to the nurses - so a good sign I hope.

You are on the home stretch now Haggis - don't feel guilty about not working, chemo floored me too. It can vary so much from person to person, that really what anyone else experiences is almost irrelevant. If your body is telling you to rest, then thats the way to go.

SR - I know several people who say how much it helps them to keep a diary, I may start (I do keep an exercise one). You certainly have to get used to waiting with this malarky.

I had my blood test done by a medical student today, - poor chap was trembling, - he put the tourniquet over my vein to start with, and when he put the needle in, no blood came out. He just stared at it - I could see him thinking 'this woman has no blood, how shall I tell her'

Best wishes to Pennies and Burning bright if they are able to see this. Hope you're not feeling too uncomfortable (or at least are high on painkillers)

medical students, aaargh! you are very brave to let one do your bloods KK. I have a friend who works in A&E, often with students, and if she ever gets one of them at our GP's (which she does frequently, when they go on rotation), she just says she will come back another day, and leaves

The last itme I got one, he asked me what I thought was wrong with me

Glad to hear your dad is a bit livelier.

I still can't get over RWU's nappy cover. I have never seen anything quite that neatly done!

We have a lot at ours - its a big teaching hospital. Get them quite often at the GP as well, -mind you I've shown all my bits and bobs to so many folk now, I'm past caring

They'd have to prise me off the floor if anyone mucked up my blood test -am very bad at staying conscious- it's usually hearing any blood related words that sets me off (if any of you remember way back in September my bleeding head saga) I always take ds for his blood tests in the paediatric dept as they are always seasoned blood letters,no chance of messing it up.
Glad to hear that your dad is a bit more chipper today KK

Oh yes, I remember the bleeding head saga alright

RWU - you are amazing making those. I don't understand a word of all your technical lingo but I'm mightily impressed by the end product.

KK - hope all is on the mend with your dad. How annoying that they lost his clothes!

Cakes - congrats on the contract. It is funny how these things crop up just when you thought you'd never crack the market! I hope it brings much more work in the future.

Haggis - don't worry about the chemo getting you down. A mum at school was telling me about her friend who worked all the way through it, organised various hugely successful chairty events and set up a photographic studio blahdeblah and I'm sure she meant it in a 'you can do it' vein of thought. The thing is I was having a bit of a bad day and responded that if she thought i was going to whittle a mansion out of a solid diamond whilst baking cakes for the local WI then she had another think coming. I said that if I felt like wallowing in it I bloody well will! .

SR - I have considered a diary or a blog, but TBH I'm not sure if I want to ever revisit this. I suppose in someway these threads act as a mini diary for me - even looking back at the posts from a month ago and I've written about stuff I've completely forgotten. KK's description of CT and bone scans were spot on and reading them reminded me of them, so for now MN will be my diary.

Anyway, I'm having a bit of a miserable day today. I'm achey, not sleeping too well because of the drains and general hospital noise, in a bit of pain etc. I was offered a bed bath but independent to the nth degree I insisted on having a bath and washing and drying myself whilst the nurse held the drains. Then they changed the dressings and I was a bit pathetic and closed my eyes and cried. Then the family arrived and it was lovely to see them but the children were rather obsessed with my lack of boobies. Then I had one drain removed (hurrah!), but it was a bit painful doing that. Unsurprisingly I was knackered after all that had managed to get a couple of hours kip. DH has just been and gone so I'll watch Survivors on iplayer (mmmmm Max Beesley...) and then Desperate Housewives before they come and empty the remaining drain again. My concentration levels are non existent, but I am well up on the sleb tattle according to OK, Grazia, Hello, Now, Heat etc.

Nice to hear from you Pennies. Sorry today was a bit of a bad day, what you have been through is a big deal, and bound to be a shock to the system.

Drains do make you feel very restricted, once you have the second one out, you will be more comfortable. By the way I found ear plugs were my friend when I was in hospital

Oh yes and F* off is exactly the correct response to the 'I sailed round the world, built a house, and ran a marathon while on chemo' brigade . Take care xx

Pennies, I second everything KK just said.

Sorry you feel you are having a bad day, but from the outside looking in you sound like you are doing brilliantly. This is a huge thing to go through and you should have a bit of a weep if that feels like the right thing to do. (Excellent that you still feel up for a bit of eye candy afterwards).

Take it easy and see what tomorrow brings. One day very soon, you'll start to feel lots better. The drains are bastards but you are genuinely on the road back now, so take heart.

(And bear in mind that, when I say I am working, I mean a little light copywriting - nothing too grown up or taxing )

RWU - your knitting is amazing - and you say it is a NEW hobby??? If my DS had had nappy covers like that I wouldn't have put trousers on him!

Sorry you are feeling a bit down Pennies - it will pass. I remember bursting into tears one morning in the hospital - not sure why - it just sort of came over me, but it was a bit embarrassing. the drains were a pest but once they were out it was fine - going to the loo was so much easier!

Had bloods today. They weighed me. I am mortified at my weight - I knew I was putting on a lot of weight but I am now a baby elephant. Really upset as I struggle with my weight anyway. It will take me years to lose this. I know its silly worrying about that when I have bigger health problems but I'm not comfy in my own skin now if you know what I mean.

Had to laugh at your comments re the "I can do anything while on Chemo" folks. You're right KK - there is only one response!

Haggis - you might well find things settle down once your chemo finishes. The cocktail of chemo drugs, steroids etc. etc., does all sorts of things to your body, and of course feeling poorly a lot of the time makes you less active. And it affects your mood, how you feel about yourself, your eating patterns - everything.

Try not to be too down on yourself - I used to get pretty cross with the way my body was generally misbehaving and letting me down - but you have to give yourself a bit of a break, get through the active treatment first then you can take stock of your weight.

aww Pennies its only natural to have bad days when you are going through this. Chocolate tends to help me i hope that once all the drains are removed you can get more comfy and settled.

I know what you mean about blogs and not wanting to revisit things, but it can be quite theraputic. I started a blog the day i was dx as 'life-limiting' it was the only way i could say some things, i had so much going on in my brain, and so many questions- none of which had any real answers, that i thought it would save the people i care about from knowing the darkest truth of my feelings. It is entirely personal, no-one has access to it (defeating the object of a blog i guess) until my will is read, but it will be there one day when i am not and for the children when they are older it will show them the 'behind the scenes' stuff that i have hidden. It does help me at the end of a tough day, i can write down the things that i could never dream of burdening dh with, the thoughts of how life will continue without me. I know my 'diary' is for a different reason, but sometimes just to write things down does help, for me it is the one and only place that i actually accept my illness.

right.... sorry for that little outburst of sentimentality! yes i only started knitting a few months ago! i am still learning the basics and haven't attempted anything as complicated as a cardigan yet but i am getting there (and dh is getting poorer )

God, Survivors was depressing. How come the only thing with any decent eye candy in is about catastrophe and illness.