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83 replies

mary123 · 06/06/2005 10:42

I really dont want to go through this pregnancy but the only alternaltive is to have an abortion and I dont want to do that either.Has anyone had an abortion how did you cope if at all? Plz help...

OP posts:
Toothache · 06/06/2005 10:43

Mary123 - I replied to your other thread. Sometimes this is too painful for others to read. Don't give up, there are many MN'ers who ahve been through it. But I'll say again.... please try to find an alternative.

koalabear · 06/06/2005 10:44

honey, big hug to you

can you talk about the reason why you don't want to go through the pregnancy? if might help to work out what your options are

also, IME, everyone has different experiences to terminations - some cope, some don't - it comes down to how YOU feel about it

do you feel you can talk about that?

beansmum · 06/06/2005 10:48

I haven't had an abortion so I don't really know how you feel, but I would say that if you have even the slightest doubt about whether you want to abort, you shouldn't go through with it.

Are there really no other alternatives? like toothache said, what about adoption?

nutcracker · 06/06/2005 10:51

I have had an abortion and I agree that if you have the smallest doubt you should at least speak to a professional about it all first and seriously consider if you are doing the right thing.

I thought i was doing the right thing but at the back of my mind I wanted someone to tell me to keep it, and then I would have.

What are the main reasons you can't keep it ???

mary123 · 06/06/2005 10:54

I already have a dd who is 9mths. My dp works away alot and I only see him at the wkends. Sometimes I struggle to cope with just dd. If I did have this baby then I would basically be on my own with two young babies under the age of 2. I did have postnatal depression after dd was born because I was on my own.

OP posts:
koalabear · 06/06/2005 10:56

if you had help around the house, would you feel differently?

Toothache · 06/06/2005 10:59

Mary123 - Sometimes it can work out great though only having a small gap.

I suffered PND for 18mths after ds was born... so I know how awful that feels.

Katemum · 06/06/2005 10:59

Which one is going to be harder to cope with though? You need to make a decision that you can live with. Sounds like you do need some counselling before coming to a decision. Can you change your domestic circumstances at all to make a second child easier to cope with?

beansmum · 06/06/2005 11:04

how does your dp feel about it?

mary123 · 06/06/2005 11:20

No not at all dp job entails that he goes away and hes never in one place for too long. Dp is shocked but says he'll stand by me whatever. I dont know, i feel like maybe i could try and fool myself and go into denial just wipe it from my memory . It doesnt seem real at the moment.

OP posts:
koalabear · 06/06/2005 11:30

I would look at a few things before making a decision, like a) can i get help in the house (ie. cleaner, ironing, MIL, mother, older baby in creche/nursury a couple of mornings a week), b) ask health visitor if there are any local services which could help, c) talk to GP about possible recurrence of PND, and if there are any steps which may help is managing this, d) and finally, what are your beliefs in respect of termination

singleteenagemum · 06/06/2005 11:43

Mary, i didn't have an abortion. I did however book, one i turned up for the appointment but then just couldn't go through with it. I'm now 24weeks and can't believe i ever thought about it. I'm not in the greatest situation, in fact it's crap but i know i'll get though it, having a little one that needs me constantly will get me through.

Have you spoken to your partner about it? maybe he could change his hours or job or something like that. I obviously have no idea what you;re going throuh in terms of home situation, but i know that you will regret an abortion, especially if you ever wanted more kids in the future. You never know you're 2year old, might be helpful

Toothache · 06/06/2005 11:43

Koalabear - Fantastic advice!! The fact you dp said that makes me feel that it isn't the right decision for you both. I suppose you've got to both be so sure before you go down the abortion route. It must be awful.... so sorry about this situation.

If it's any consolation my Mum got pg with me when my sister was only 6mthsold. She went into denial and didn't go to the GP until she was 20wks pg! My Dad worked on the Oil Rigs so was away 2wks back 2 wks. She panicked, but it all turned out fine, she has never regretted it! In fact, 10 yrs after I was born she started again and had another 2!

Blu · 06/06/2005 11:58

Mary, yes, I have had an abortion, it was fine, I have never felt the slightest regret or guilt, but that is because I was very sure that that was what I wanted to do, did not want to be pregnant, and did not want to have a baby under the circumstances I was in. It was also v early in the pregnancy, and my own beliefs were not a cause for guilt.

IMO guilt and regret are separate things, and you need to think about both, and if either would be an issue for you.Would you feel relieved not to be pregnant any more, or sad for the loss of a baby, and / or guilty for having a termination?

Since you ARE in a quandry, I think it would be a v good idea to seek counselling - ask your HV?

Toothache · 06/06/2005 12:02

How many weeks pg are you Mary123?

nutcracker · 06/06/2005 12:08

Mary having pnd with my dd2 was one of the reasons for my termination. Dd2 was only 3 mths old when i got pregnant and everyone thought it was for the best.

When I look back no, all the things i listed as reasons for not keeping the baby were things that would have sorted themselves out in the end anyway.

I think you have to think about what you want regardless of what probs there could be.

You have to know that the desicion is the right one for you.

WideWebWitch · 06/06/2005 12:10

Hi Mary123, I've had 2 abortions, one when I was 19, one when I was 31. And I don't regret either of them, not at all, not a bit. Both were very early, 11 weeks and 6 weeks respectively, one under general anaesthetic, one under local. Both times I left hospital the same day althoguh the second time I paid, first was NHS. Both times I'd used contraception which failed and like Blu, absolutely knew I didn't want to continue with the pregnancy in either case. So I have to say neither was traumatic for me (not pleasant, it never is) but I think it's a much harder decision to make when you already have a child, as I did the 2nd time. It really does change things and make a decision harder. I spoke to an excellent counsellor on the phone (the 2nd time) who listened and let me talk and helped me come to a decision. It wasn't such an easy thing to do the 2nd time, definitely not. I can't remember what they were called but I think you might find it helpful to talk to someone, I'll see if I can find a number for you. I don't feel guilty, not remotely, it was the right thing for me both times, definitely. If you want to know more (or more about the procedure and what happens, I think that's probably as scary as anything if you don't know what to expect) please ask and I'll tell you.

WideWebWitch · 06/06/2005 12:11

Oh and I deliberately didn't change my name to post this, I'm not ashamed of it.

Blackduck · 06/06/2005 12:12

Try contacting BPAS (British Pregnancy Advisor Service) they have consellors you can talk to...

WideWebWitch · 06/06/2005 12:17

BPAS and others Do check you're not ringing an anti abortion group before you call, you want impartial advice, not a lecture.

piffle · 06/06/2005 12:32

I had a termination 6 years ago, I have posted on this recently in another thread, my pregnancy was the result of a rape though, so the decision was made differently.
As for the NHS service it was thoughtful kind and informative, discreet and sometimes to my own disgust I can honestly say it was easy for me, no regrets or guilt.
But your circumstances are very different, do seek some independent advice and perhaps as you have a supportive husband try to find ways i which the pregnancy could be made a positive experience for you both. As well as acknowledging the negatives. This may help you come to a balanced decision that you can live with more easily.
I feel for you, it must be a torrid time for you

pinkmama · 06/06/2005 12:44

mary123, so sorry to hear of your dilemma. I did have abortion in my teens, it was the right decision for me at the time, and I still beleive that very strongly today. However, there have been times I have questioned it. I think it would have been much harder had I already had a child. I would say to you please please please get some impartial counselling as others have said. If there is an element of doubt in your mind I can only imagine it will grow and grow and you will torture yourself with it at times. Good luck.

Sax · 06/06/2005 13:27

Mary123, just remember that at the end of the day, you'll do what is best for you and your family so if you do have an abortion thats the decsion you make and you have to say it was the right one becasue the circumstances are such, if not you find the support you need! You are not necessarily going to have pnd even though you did with your first! Good luck and sorry you have this horrible dilema, its a hard time for you.

Sax · 06/06/2005 13:38

BTW it doesn't sound like you want to go into denial becasue you've posted here for advice, you are best to deal with it now about your feelings - please try to write them down and we'll help you through your thoughts or wickedwaterwitch had some good advice about talking with the counsellor.......see how you feel

bibiboo · 06/06/2005 16:02

I posted this on the other thread, so here it is again...
Mary, I wish there was some straightforward advice for you as to what you should do. What a horrible situation to be in. Could you give us a bit more info about your situation? This is a very emotive subject as you are probably aware, so you may well get some very strong opinions posted on here, but don't take them personally. For the mostpart you'll get support whatever you decide to do.
Personally I couldn't go through with it, after having read a lot of info on the subject when I was younger and in the throes of a possible unplanned pregnancy (I wasn't). I don't believe it is right to abort an unwanted baby, BUT I can understand that that is just my opinion, and that it is your decision at the end of the day, and not for me to judge.
I hope you get the advice you want and need. I can't really say much more other than take your time, and make sure you make your decision a well informed one so that whatever you decide you won't regret it. You will probably question it for the rest of your life, like some of the other women on here have said, but as long as it's right for oyu and the best decision for the best reasons, then that's all you can do. Thinking of you.

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