NEW THREAD FOR OJ - REST IN PEACE STEVE - STRENGTH AND LOVE FOR OJ AND THE CHILDREN

[Buda]

Hope this is ok - both other threads seem to be full or almost full now.

We are all thinking of you Jo.

Trifles and rum and bubbles at the ready.

crossed posts sorry, it took me that long to work out what to say and even when I did it wasn't that profound was it?!

I was just thinking about you when this thread popped up in active.

Oh Jo yo've been so strong that the inevitable crash was bound to be a shock. It is still such early days and it's along, long road you have ahead, but smnall steps, a day at a time and slowly you'll get there. But for now the tears are all part of the grieving process and Steve knows that you have to go through the rought to come out the other side.

OJ - I would second what has just been said. You had to be strong for so long - it is hardly surprising you feel as you do and it needs to come out. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

i miss him so much.
when i can't sleep at night i miss him being there to snuggle up to, i miss saying good night to him and making his morning cup of tea, he made me feel loved special and confident, he made everything ok, and now i don't have any of those things.
i feel angry with his twin brother who promised steve that he would look after me and the kids. i don't like feeling angry or sad.

Did he promise that?

Do you feel up to texting/writing/even phoning Mike, to tell him how hurt & angry you are (and how upset Steve would be) that he isn't doing it?

No, but you've got a right to feel angry and sad. It's not fair.

I'm watching a friend go through something very similar to Steve at the moment and I see her dh being very like you were through Steve's illness - and he looks exhausted, under it all, his eyes look quite frantic.

I think of you so often OJ, I always read your posts and I never know what to say.

Oh Jo - so sorry. Nothing can make up for it, or for him. It's just so unspeakably foul that his family are so dreadful in this whole process.

Would like to send you some
{{{{hugs}}}}}
even though it's not a MN thing.

Oh OJ

This might be so wrong of me - but...
Could you snuggle up to a pillow and remember how it felt to hold Steve?
Could you still say 'goodnight'?
Have you got a jumper that still smells of him, some of his aftershave you can spry on the pillow?
Did he have a mug he drank his tea from that you cna now use and quitely think of each morning?

And you are still loved, special and will be confident again.

I think you need to write to or phone his brother and tell him you need him. He may
just be feeling his own pain and not sure how to help.

I'm so sorry

yes his brother did promise that, he said it to me, and steve said it many times, steve told me that his family would always look after us, i never told steve all the stuff his family were doing cos i so wanted steve to find peace and i knew he would be upset and angry at what they were doing.
Sadly i can no longer trust Mike after the stunt he pulled with tracing my birth family he has made me feel very unsafe and has not considered the safety of the kids or me.
Imaginaryfriend, so sorry you are having to watch someone going throu the same thing, it is crap which ever way you look at it you can't dress it up any differently.
all hugs welcome, you can never have enough hugs.

Jo love, I hope today was better for you. As Debbie says, what you're feeling is everything that you should feel when you are grieving for the love of your life. Its just that for you, its unchartered territory, its completely alien and the thought of never seeing Steve in this life again is a very painful one to comprehend. When Mark died I remember for the first 6 months at least, if not the first year asking myself, "How do I do life without Mark. I can't imagine my life without him and if there is a life, what shape will it take?". Not that I was suicidal or anything like that, my brain and emotions just couldn't take in the enormity of it all. You won't ever get over this loss, but as someone mentioned, things will change and you will have better days but it will always be different.

I really hope that you find the same peace in Lanzerote that you experienced on Saturday and that even though the holiday will be tinged with sadness, you will be comforted being in a place that was so special to you & Steve. Much love. xxx

i have steves pillow and quilt on our bed and of course his teddy biggles, i do have the tee-shirt he was wearing when he died but i haven't been able to look at it just yet the funeral directors gave it to me in a bag and for now thats where it will stay along with his glasses.

Sorry Jo.

OJ - have you have ermitted it, even though not a MN thing, and TBH not something I would normaly do - lots of hugs coming your way.

Jo- been lurking rather than posting. Thinking about you a lot still. I hope the trip away does everything you need it to and gives you the space you need to grieve but also to live. Lots of hugs.. I think you've got enough rum packed already haven't you..?!

Hi OJ - haven't been around for a while - but just wanted to pop in and send some love for what must be a tough time. You are being so strong for the children, I'm not surprised you feel down... you must be exhausted.

xx

no need to be sorry TC.
Izabella, i know what you mean about how do i do life without him, i guess some of it is shock and some of it is that we had no choice in it happening so want to kick against the fact that it has happened, almost like if i don't accept that it has happened, if i don't embrace the new "normal" it will all go away and it won't have happened and it will have just been a bad dream.

O.J.Hope you can relax and be a bit happy when go on your holidays.I bet the children will have fun and a good time that they deserve.It will take a long time to get any sort of pattern of life or new routines as you said you dont want new routines with out steve.IT WILL TAKE TIME.I personaly would not contact mike .He has lost your trust and it would be inviting them back in to your life to be evil and twisted.You have lots of lovely friends.I can imagine you are so angry with ILs as in a normal family they would /should be around for you and the children.Also as mike is steves twin bro he should be close to steves and your children.Its his loss.The children sound lovely/brave.I dont know how ILs can behave in this manner but i expect it is better they keep thier distance than insult you and make your life hell.God bless.Thinking of you.xx

Thanks mother3, i feel the same about mike, the trust is gone, he has never made an effort to understand our kids autism neither has the rest of the family to be honest, it just hurts to know that we have been rejected when we have so much else to deal with, i know they have lost steve too, do they not understand that the kids are part of steve?

Sadly Jo, I don't think they do. It sounds like they are in the greatest form of denial about you, the kids, their autism, the closeness of Steve's relationship to his wife & kids etc. Their rejection must hurt, how can it not? I'm just so sorry that you have this on top of everything else. xxx

Jo- the holiday may be a mixture of laughter & tears but it will be a change somewhere away from all the usual daily crap. It's where you say you have had fun times before with Steve, a special place and hopefully one that'll bring some comfort with the tears. (not to mention the odd R&C with Tracey )

It is so hard for you at the moment, apart from the actual grieveing process you are going through, there is the sheer basic fact that the daily routine has hugely changed and yet you are still mentally rushing round juggling all those things you did for months. No wonder you can't sleep, you have got in the habit of NOT sleeping!

Hope to speak to you before you go but if I don't biggest hugs & tell Elliott I've arranged a special "pea" delivery for his arrival.

oj in case i dont manage to get on here for a couple of days ,i just wanted to wish you a peaceful holiday.Im sure even the change of scenery can only be good for you and the children.Thinking of you x

JO

I can totally understand the family thing as we have a similar situation and it cost us hundreds to get a solicitor onto my mother and then the solicitor left and we were left high and dry.

Wishing you and the children every blessing on your holiday.

i know we will have some happy times whilst we are away, it just feels like a huge thing to take steve and leave him there, he has been beside me for 17 years.
i went to the shops with tracey today to get a few last minute things and got back to loads of crap letters, tax credits want the child benefit number even thou i have told them on the form i sent in that i dont yet get CB but have applied. so we still don't have any tax credits coming in, so i had to phone them up, pity the woman i spoke to as i was more than a little cross, they still cant sort it out until i get the CB number which will probably come whilst i am away.
had to phone the DLA as even thou they were told steve had died they were still putting his money in every week, they have apologized for this, how long til they want the money back?
got the settlement cheque throu for steves life insurance feels like a knife throu the heart. so had to take that up to the bank as don't want it sitting here whilst we are away.
got a cheque for £100 for premieum bond win so thats going into the rum fund

OJ

don't feel you have to leave him there, only you will know if it's the right time/place etc

xx