NEW THREAD FOR OJ - REST IN PEACE STEVE - STRENGTH AND LOVE FOR OJ AND THE CHILDREN

[Buda]

Hope this is ok - both other threads seem to be full or almost full now.

We are all thinking of you Jo.

Trifles and rum and bubbles at the ready.

OJ please don't feel guilty for these people. I feel pity for them, because they have put themselves in a position where they feel they have to have a separate service for their son and brother. Well i'm sorry to be hard but they are doing this for themselves, to assauge their guilt and its just tough toenails i'm afraid.

My uncle, quite a straight laced and sensible man, wanted his ashes to be half taken to jamaca where they have spent many happy holidays together, and half to be let off in a firework over the beach where he had a beach hut. His family were and took them a while to get their heads around it, but at the end of the day it was what their father/husband wanted and they did it. Had a party on the beach, as he would have wanted and the rest of his ashes were taken to Jamaca according to his wishes. There could be no other way.

You will torture yourself forever if you give Steve's ashes back, because im sorry but i dont believe you will get them back. They have shown how evil they can be so this would be nothing for them. That would be terrible if Steve never got his last wish, to be somewhere that was special to you both. You might feel guilty about not giving them back, but not as bad as you will if you don't receive them back again.

So, sorry, but its just tough, Steve stays with you.

Hi OJ, I haven't posted for ages but have been lurking. I am so for you. I just can't get over how awful Steves family are. Please don't give them any of Steves ashes, he wanted to be in Lanzarote so thats where they should go.
Can't remember who said fill an urn with ashes from whatever source but I agree. Burn lots of things in the back garden or something and get another urn to put them in. Don't tell them and then you might get some peace.
I hope you and your dc's are bearing up and the practical side is getting easier (IL's excluded obviously)
vicki
xx

Don't give them half, because I think you'll regret it. Don't give them a thing, after all they have done to you, not even the time of day , callous heartless bastards that they are (now look what they've "made" me do )

Jo, this makes me so . Did they ever do anything "meaningful" with Steve whilst he was still alive and needed them??? How dare they. You are carrying out Steve's wishes by taking his ashes to Lanzerote. If his family had any meaningful interaction with him, they would have known that as well.

Jo, love you know I am always here for you & you can call me anytime, but I appreciate you may not be feeling up to it now. If I can do anything at all for you, you will let me know. I hope sleep comes more easily to you tonight. xxx

OMG

I have been so busy in work, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Sorry to be blunt, if you had buried him would they want half of his remains ??

And re Richard, that sounds deeply unprofessional. Is there a professional body you can refer the matter to. ??

How are you feeling my lovely? I am so sorry you have to get the reinforcements back.

I agree that splitting the ashes is not a good idea - you are doing what Steve wanted and MIL should respect that. Even if you were to capitulate, I think she'll find something else to beat you with. I think Richard is being spineless in agreeing to do the service and you should let him know that you feel disappointed.

I really hope you can get a bit of sleep tonight. I'll be thinking of you XXXXXX

oh OJ they are STILL messing with your emotions the sods and you are still so low it must be difficult to know which way to turn.
TBH as others have said you did your UTMOST to include them all in Steve's last days and you invited them back into your home time and again when most of us would have told them to feck off.They forfeited any "rights" to any further contact so don't feel bad about doing your Lanzarote trip it will be the right thing to do.

OJ ...I so feel for you. I really think the others I right and that you wouldnt get the ashes back. I cant imagine how they can think they are having a family memorial service without Steve's wife and children.
You are doing great. If you werent feeling like this it would mean you didnt miss Steve and hadnt loved him so much so dont worry about it ..it needs to happen ..it is important to grieve.

i don't have a problenm wuith them having a memorial, its more the fact that always make demands, the last time we spoke was when i phoned mike to tell him thr funersl aggangements. they havr not been in touvhdine thsbui
i am angry with richard as well.
tracey and i went to the girl assembly it was fab they did like an X-fsctor thing and the girls did a rap singing and dancing, they were very fab and i felt very proud, steve would be proud too,
the things that were very hard were that once again they sang if youre happy and you know it and followed it with a solo of somewhere over the rainbow one of our funeral songs, i held it together until i got in th vst

oj, them having a memorial service is fine but the wording of their announcement in the paper is a complete insult to you & the children

Is it tomorrow morning you leave for Lanzarote?

(Well done to the girls for the rap routine )

we go next thursady

Dear Jo
Big Big Big Hugs tonight! Was so proud to attend the girls show today they were wonderful. You coped amazing what with "If your happy and you know it!" and "Over the rainbow" to listen to. Your dedication as a mum shone through as you put your own feelings aside to be there for the girls, you truly are inspirational!
As for the IL's request via Richard I know you will debate this over in your head as you are such a good hearted person. As Lucyellensmum said you owe them nothing, you have already given them so much. Next week I again shall proudly be with you as you take Steve where he asked to go, to a place filled with so many wonderful memories and happy times you shared. You too will hopefully find peace that you did all that was possible with his family and your love for Steve has guided you to fulfill his wishes. I know tonight will be a hard night for you and you may read this in the early hours. As always thinking of you and here for you no matter what.

Good grief, these people are appalling.
Their behaviour is foul.

Please don't be made to feel guilty. Don't let them guilt you into changing your plans. You know what your husband wanted. They should not be allowed to spoil that.

The wording of that newspaper announcement is nothing short of a disgrace.

I can't believe that people like this exist.
Be strong darling. Rise above them.

Hiya love, so sorry you have yet more emotional crap to deal with from the outlaws. You really must not give into them. Keep all of Steves ashes with you, and you take it to the place he wanted to be scattered. They are not carrying out his wishes, you are. he asked you, not them. That says it all really doesn't it?

The simple answer to their question, via Richard, is No. They can have a memorial service without them. The whole point of a memorial service, is that it doesn't involve a person or their ashes. Its is a service in memory of the persons life. Why they feel they need Steves' ashes to be there I can't quite work out! Other than it being a very convoluted, emotionally manipulating way to get hold of the ashes! Thats all I can think. In fact, i would put money on them announcing at the service that you've refused to let them have them there!

I think that Richard is behaving very un professionally. He really should have declined their request for him to do the service, as he knew exactly what the situation was. I'm very surprised that he would let himself be used in this.

Just start counting down the days to your holiday. Not may to go now! Before you know it, you will be dragging your suitcases down the hallway, into the car, and you will be on your way!

I'm sending you a big hug, and a few of Izzys sloppy kisses, and, I really will come and relax on your sofa in the summer of you want!! speak to you tomorrow maybe. hope you are managing a bit of a snooze... xx

hello there Tracy, btw... you are just the best. If everyone had a friend like you in their lives, everyone's lives would be so much richer. You are a wonderful person, truly you are. MInd you, that said... wonderful people attract wonderful friends hey so its no less than jo deserves...

Just so angry again, at those bloody outlaws! jeez, when will it all stop hey. Not to invite steves children to a memorial service about their Daddy is just the strangest thing I think i've ever heard. it's also completely unforgivable!

Hi susiecutiebananas thanks for your kind words and like you said Jo is a wonderful person whomI am honoured to be best friends with.
The "outlaws" well they cease to amaze me really yet Jo senses theirs moves so well she always seems to get their next move right. She anticipated they would want ashes but like you said you don't need ashes to have a memorial service. They constantly take Jo through emotional journeys that she doesn't need or deserve to go on, she has always stood by doing what Steve has wanted and for that she will eternally be proud.

Hi Tracy - Jo is so lucky to have a friend like you. I have a dear friend whose husband died 3 years ago and I have tried to support her and her children as best I can. She has some other close friends, too, and is always telling us that she couldn't have got through all this without us. Well done to you

Love to Jo and family, too, at such a difficult time. I think of you often even though I don't go on mn much in the summer.

thankyou all you are very kind, I just need to be sure that I am doing the right thing and not reacting out of anger.
I didnt sleep last night and now have a migraine and am being quite sick so I am wrapped up in bed with biggles and a sick bowl
not heard a thing from outlaws.
big night tonight, I am dreading see loads of people that don't know about Steve. The kids are looking forward to getting their achievement books, elliot still doesnt know he is getting a trophy, he asked if he'd be getting one so I told him I didnt think so cos lots of pupils and not many trophys and he hasnt been there very long either, I can't wait to see the look on his face when they say his name.
tracey is of course coming with us, elliots TA from his old school is also coming as are 2 friends of ours, so I won't be feeling on my own and they can fend off people if needs be.

Absolutely the right thing. Disappointing about Richard, but let it go. Blessed are the peacemakers, he probably thought, but it ain't going to work like that.
Get thee back into the ivory tower, sick bowl and all.
Thinking of you at the award ceremony, so pleased for Elliot, bless him. And so lovely to hear about the girls taking part.
Only a week until you go on holiday...

Hi Jo
awful behaviour from ILs as everyone says, I aggree, it would not be selfish of you to refuse them the ashes, I think you can be confident in your motives. As for Richard, not sure what role he has or r'ship to you, but if he has any kind of pastoral role he may see it as his job to support the bereaved, however badly they've behaved? I would have though a nice photo of Steve would be just as suitable, if not more so.
This is just a thought and sorry if it's not appropriate fo any reason- but re going to school functions etc- at dc's primary, if a family member had died, parents were all informed via letter home, meant that there was no 'do they know?' as everyone did know- I would think school would be happy to do this.
Well done Elliot!
And well done you of course for being able to go to these events.
x

Jo, I hope you're feeling better and able to get to Elliot's special presentation tonight. What truly wonderful children you have. You have every right to be proud of them. Steve is too even though he can't be here for all these precious moments. I'm glad you haven't had any more abuse off the in-laws.

I hope that Saturday is not too painful and that even despite the grief of not having Steve with you anymore, you'll be able to somehow be uplifted by all wonderful memories and moments you share together. xxx

i got out of bed just after 2pm, felt much better and not been sick since this morning.
richard was recommended to us by the funeral people.
i have not asked the kids school to say anything about steve, the kids classmates don't know unless the kids have told them, it is a bit difficult because it is a special needs school. most of the kids go to school via school transport so we don't have the school gate thing, i have a few friends at school and they all know and the staff team all know but we often don't see parents until there is an event like tonight.
tonight went really really well.
i was very proud
Betham went up to get her achievement book from the mayor, abbey wouldn't go so the mayor brought it to her.
elliot went and got his too.
elliot looked surprized when they announced that he was the winner of the achievement in tecnology for under 14s, he raced up to get his trophy and posed for photos, tracey was on camera duty (thankyou tracey!)
the girls old TA was very tearful thoughout which mademe feel less worried about crying
i think there should be a charm award. elliot told his maths teacher that she was looking very pretty tonight.
it all went very well and i only had one parent who asked me how steve was.
it was a fab evening and has given me a lift,
steve will be smiling somewhere.

Hi oj - have only posted on your threads a few times but have followed them. Can't sleep tonight so just browsing mumsnet when I saw your post and just thought I'd add a few words as there may not be many around at this late hour. I'm pleased that tonight went so well. Your children are truly remarkable and you so rightly should feel proud. I'm sure that where ever Steve is tonight is is feeling very proud too. Hoping that you have a more restful night tonight than you have done of late. Take care x