husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

As a nurse, you know that when he refused to take you to your procedure, he was trying to prevent you from accessing medical care your health care providers deemed necessary.

That's abuse.

What would you do for a patient who told you her husband was trying to prevent her from accessing a necessary medical procedure?

He's taking up too much space.
No grace or space for anything but himself in there.
Quite disturbing, has he always been this childish?

Sorry haven’t read the full thread, only as far as the OP. Of all the posts I’ve read on here over the years, never has one made me feel so enraged. What a nasty, self absorbed prick. I really hope your results are good OP, and I hope in time you find the strength to leave that pathetic excuse of a man.

"All he is going through"- are you not going through the same?
For me major alarm bells would be ringing when he wanted to take your appointment-then acts as if it was his appointment.
My only explanation for all this is that he has has other major symptoms be kept them to himself- and that, consequently, he is terrified.
It doesn't really excuse the levels of selfishness shown here though.
The idea he can't be happy for you now you have a negative diagnosis is frankly a deal breaker- I would be strongly considering leaving him.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Lost for words. I’m really sorry but he clearly doesn’t care about you. Saying he wishes it was you not him?! That’s just awful I’m so sorry.

He sounds like he may have some bad health anxiety. Worth pursuing with the doctor.

Wow, he will literally throw you under the bus to save himself.

in other aspects of our life he is a good guy, funny, supportive of my career

None of this even comes close to making up for his disgusting behaviour. He wished cancer on you, for the love of God. That's unforgiveable.

He may well have health anxiety, but that doesn't excuse him being a selfish, horrible bastard.

It’s rare that I find myself truly shocked, but I read your post with growing concern. Has your husband always exhibited this kind of behaviour—believing that everything should revolve solely around him? While it’s understandable that he may be frightened, you were both facing the same situation, yet he offered you no support whatsoever and, in fact, behaved quite unkindly.

Now he expects you to help ease his way through the preparation process, which feels remarkably self-serving. Particularly distressing is the fact that he wants to tell your children he has cancer before receiving a confirmed diagnosis—an incredibly insensitive and potentially traumatic thing to do.

You must ask yourself: do you genuinely want to continue a relationship with someone like this? At his core, he appears to be a deeply self-centred, unkind, and thoughtless individual.

I’m very glad to hear your test results came back clear, OP.

Scared or not, there is no excuse for nasty words or selfish behaviour.

I’d tell him to fuck off and I’d check out.

Horrible bastard.

Hi,

I've got a sibling with colon cancer. It's unfortunately advanced. I hope your husband's results are fine, but if you need support or have any questions, let me know. You can DM me.

I've read and learned so much about it since the diagnosis and treatment.

Amazingly, even through the excruciating pain and being on a syringe driver of morphine, my sibling said they wouldn't wish this on anyone else. What your husband said, is not okay. I'm sorry about that.

Maybe consider a course of therapy where you can have dedicated time to talk and think about yourself and your needs in a non judgemental and safe space. It really is life changing.

@eastcoastgirlie for me I wouldn't be able to get over the "I was hoping it was you" comment from him when your scope came back fine that would be game over. He's practically wishing cancer on you. That's your husband!
I have health anxiety but I've never wished something on someone else. He's disgusting.
LTB

This is one of the saddest posts I’ve read on MN and I’ve been here a long time.

OP please prioritise yourself. You matter.

These are not the actions of a person who has things ‘together’. The very notion that you’ve ‘stolen’ his appointment is preposterous. How on earth would he feel if he got the all clear and you didn’t? (Everything crossed that this isn’t the case). It’s worrying, but perspective is so important. Why tell your kids? Why want the sympathy? The blood that can be detected can be something as simple as gums bleeding when someone brushes their teeth, so I’ve heard.

Wow,even if he gets the all clear you are only going to go over his reaction of what he said to you.You will never have peace in your mind of those heartless words.I don't think he could ever make it up to you and the trust in your relationship is broken.

Let me ask, if it was you having cancer, and he was healthy, would he take care of you? Drive you to appointments and treatment? Hold your hand during chemo? Take over household tasks? Because I suppose that's what he will be expecting from you if - a big if - his tests show he has bowel cancer. Isn't that something couples do for each-other?

Sounds like he is also a selfish abusive cunt to his wife. Worth pursuing with a divorce lawyer.

I've often read on MN that people should leave their partners because, I don't know - they've not made them a cup of tea that day (OK, I'm exaggerating - but it seems easily dished out sometimes). In this case though, I have no idea why you would still be with him? I don't mean that out of malice but his remarks were not only uncaring but rude and bloody hurtful.

I send you all my best wishes - I am really sorry you are 'currently' living with someone who treats you like this x

His reaction is ridiculous but so are most of the responses on this thread… “leave him” etc. He is scared and worried and acting irrationally and needs help, kindness and support. You are a couple who should go through thick and thin together. In every relationship there are times when we have to lean on each other and on this occasion you are the stronger, more composed party. Help him, call in the support back later when he has a steady head. Don’t listen to the bitter musnet group who are filled with hate and want to see every one as miserable as they are and default reaction is pack your bags etc

He wished his wife had cancer. He isn't with her through thick and thin, he isn't supporting her, he isn't offering kindness, he is saying if statistically 1 in 2 people gets cancer, he hopes she gets it so he doesn't.
Saying please leave the man who wished cancer on you doesn't come from a place of bitterness, it comes from a place of actual support.

Ah lovely, does sound like extreme health anxiety combined with main player syndrome or utter cock wombleitis. Either way not your fault. From other updates sounds like there is a controlling or abusive element to your relationship. Perhaps take up counselling for yourself? Do you really want to be with someone who wishes you had got cancer because then they wouldn't? Perhaps replace the word love with kind in your thinking about him and your relationship. Ie is ke kind to me? Is that what a kind person would say? We all want to be with someone who is kind.

I agree with everyone else. He is a selfish prick. Leave him & find someone that wouldn't wish cancer on you and thar respects you. He doesn't deserve you at all..

The mental contortions that some people on here go through to find excuses for abusive men are unbelievable.

Even if he does have severe health anxiety, telling his wife that he wishes her result had come back positive for cancer is unbelievably cruel.

Accusing her of stealing his earlier appointment, even though she tried to rearrange it and telling her that if he had cancer and it was advanced, it would be her fault as she took his appointment and didn't fight for him is the behaviour of a cruel and abusive man. As is threatening to tell his children that he has cancer even before he has the test.

He appears to show no love or care for his wife who was going through exactly the same tests with the same result as him, but she is expected to drop everything to help him prepare for his test.

It doesn't sound as though OP has been able to lean on her husband at any point in their relationship. The love and support all goes one way.

To be honest, I don't particularly care if OP's DH is miserable. He would deserve it. However, I would love OP to be happy as she sounds like a lovely caring person.

Did you read the same posts as everyone else?? He wished his wife had cancer. He actually wished it on her rather than him. Most people's reactuon is the opposite and wish they could take an illness from a loved one. Hes accused her of stealing his appointment and will hold her responsible if his cancer is in anyway advanced. What an absolute Prince of a man

He wants to tell their children he has cancer when he probably doesn't. What kind of father would do that

I'm not miserable I assure you but if my husband, the person who is meant to love, support me and have my back wished cancer on me - that's a deal breaker. You might be happy to live with someone who doesn't seem to care about you but my bar is set higher