husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

Jesus what an arsehole. Why waste anymore time on this man OP. Live the rest of your life without this selfish prick.

Im 44 and found out in January that I have stage 4 bowel cancer. Complete shock and only discovered I had it following a trip to A&E with stomach pains. I would never act like that and I haven’t met anyone else with it who would wish this awful disease on someone they love, rather than them. He is clearly scared but he does not sound like a kind man.

This is such a sad post. How awful to be with someone for so long and he obviously doesn't care about your health or wellbeing.

Absolutely sickening. What the hell goes through his head to think that's a normal thing to say! Not even to hope that none of yous have cancer, but to prefer it was you... I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone hope it was a loved one over myself. Heartbreaking that this has gone on for that long, that this is your normal. How you can bear to sleep beside him, cook for him, even look at him after what I've read... He's a horrible, disgusting man.

More than a marriage can take? A phrase sprang to mind: “I love you, but just now I don’t like you.” He is asking too much of you but he is obviously also in a panic and needs his mummy (which is a state could all find ourselves in). I assume mummy is not available? I recommend a referral to a support group - cancer related, they have seen it all - or your priest, if that is a service that appeals to you. But he really needs to pull himself together and try to imagine that he will not die this time around. He so owes you an apology when all this is over

What the fuck did I just read??!!!

😳

Bloody hell, what a wanker

I work on a endo unit. I think I need to call out next week in case he's on my unit.

You know that statistic that men leave their wives when they get sick with a serious illness like cancer and you think “bloody hell, what sort of cunt does that?”.

Found one.

This sort of cunt.

This is actually abusive behaviour in my opinion. He clearly demonstrating that he thinks he’s more important. I’m sorry but do not expect anything more from him.

I'm concerned your DH has servere health anxiety. He's planning on telling the kids he has cancer? He's not even had the scope - he has no symptoms and likely will have nothing more serious than you. He needs to speak to his Dr about this.

Saying that the way he's treating you is horrific, like he hopes your dying because then karmically he wouldn't be?!?! It's nutty but it's also massively nasty. He's showing no concern and compassion for you. Not sure I'd get over this nastiness

@eastcoastgirlie this would cancel out all the good experiences I'd had in the relationship. I could never stay with this man. I truly hope he is clear and you can leave him. My dad was this selfish and when my mum was terminally ill, he was so busy pitying himself to care about her or my siblings and myself. I know you will probably support him as he is the father of your children. I hope everything works out for you and your children.

This is why married women (or any woman with a male partner) needs to build a secret "leaving him fund"—an account or stash in your name only that he doesn't know about.

Then when you find out you're married to a knob, you can get away to safety and sanity and start divorce or separation proceedings.

Loving married couples always come to hope the other one will die first—because then they, and not their other half. will have to bear the pain and grief afterwards.

I don't know about you, OP, but his wishing cancer on you is the absolute bloody opposite of this. He's wishing pain and even death on you because he wants to live at any cost. Shame on him.

Wow what a husband... you deserve so much more than his behaviour towards you.
Dont let him get away with it , fair enough he is worried but you dont wish illness on someone else .
I'd be resentful of this not sure what advice to give other than choose your moment to tell him how hurt you feel make it clear things best change or your marriage will.
Glad your ok x

Coercive behaviour comes to mind....

He’s awful and this has just shown him in his true colours. So sorry OP, very upsetting.

I can't believe how utterly self-centred he has been. He's also showing utter contempt for you. I don't know if I could see past this going forward.
God forbid he actually has cancer, sounds like he's going to make your life hell.

All these comments are going to make you feel sick, because you've seen him for who he is but are probably still in denial. It's not nice to hear that the person you've been with for years and invested so much time in, just doesn't have your back.

Just know that you have the support of all us MN's going forward. Stay strong, if not for him, for your DC.

Tell him that you are going to give him as much support as he has given you - nil! What a wanker your husband is - you deserve better.

I rarely use the phrase LTB. But it’s justified I your case. This goes beyond just being scared. He doesn’t care about you at all.

This. I don't think I could ever forget he'd said this. He sounds awful.

I'd be meeting his demands and requests with a "did you do that for me?" mentality. You've literally been going through the same as him!!! So he gets what you got.

Sorry, I haven't read all of your replies and I only read your OP up to the point he said he wished it was you that had it.

You deserve better.

Please don't delete this post. Please realise you deserve better. You have not betrayed your husband by posting this - he has betrayed you by wishing you had cancer!! A husband that loved and cared about you would be jumping for joy that it was good news. Instead he's treating you like dirt and wishing you did have it as if that would stop him also having it?

Please realise you deserve better. You are worth so much more. Surely you cannot be happy to live like this? Don't let him do this for the rest of your lives.

I feel sick after reading your post. Personally I could not be with a man who said everything your husband said to you. He is not a drama queen, he is just a horrible cunt. Apologies but this is what I think right now.

What a selfish , nasty , self absorbed big baby he is .
I can’t believe what I’ve just read ! He wanted your appointment even though you needed it .
I am glad your result was ok , his result may well be fine too but there is no getting over that !

Goodness OP! How terribly hurtful for you, and alongside your worry about your own test result. How is he generally with his health? Is he highly anxious generally? If you were feeling generous (and sure, he doesn't sound like he deserves this kindness), you would park your feelings for another week or so until he has his test. Chances are it will be negative, he will climb down from the ceiling and you can have that conversation about his behaviour to you.
If positive, that may explain his behaviour and you may feel differently. Best of luck