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Original poster

husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

576 replies

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 19:52

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

OP posts:
GinandGingerBeer · 03/06/2025 16:01

You haven’t betrayed him, you’re obviously just conditioned to be his all at the expense of everyone else. I hope you’re ok Brew

MalcolmMoo · 03/06/2025 16:06

What an a*sehole! I couldn’t with my husband if he acted like this

Pinkissmart · 03/06/2025 20:54

OP

Get some counselling, and in 6 months, read this post again.

Endorewitch · 04/06/2025 00:26

Lost for words!!Selfish self centred bustard.

AmIEnough · 04/06/2025 07:40

I’ve actually had to reread this because I couldn’t believe that I had understood it correctly! Your husband is a selfish arsehole! What on earth makes him think that he is more important than you? The fact that you tried to change your appointment and yet he was still angry with you is unbelievable. I would be kicking him out.

Imisscoffee2021 · 04/06/2025 07:45

This was sad reading, I'm sorry that you're finding the advice hard to read, possibly because it hits close to home but you love this man and will stay with him so have to reconcile that with it seeming that, from the outside at least, he loves himself before anyone else.

He vocalised this to you in this situation, and it showed that he values his own life ahead if yours, which is a stark experience for you. I hope his test comes back with the all clear and that he reflects and apologises, as reflection on how we have hurt another isn't healing without vocalising to that other person. He's quick enough to out loud wish you to have cancer rather than him, yet can't bring himself to apologise?

Wishing you all the best, I'm sorry you've had to hear this from your husband.

Dandeliontea123 · 04/06/2025 08:19

He is stupid. He has a wife who is already prepared to support him through cancer but he seems happy to throw all of that away.

Horses7 · 04/06/2025 17:28

You’re seeing what he’s really like and what he really values in his life…… which is himself, not you sadly.

JackdawRoost · 05/06/2025 07:39

He's taken away all your self worth. You feel like even here isn't a safe space to talk about his awful behaviour. And so he feels he can get away with saying the worst things to you. But women here can see him for what he is, he's currently pulled the wool over your eyes though. It never happens all at once, it gradually ramps up, and it's not all your fault. He's a shit person.

Being away from him, would be so hard. But gradually you would find your own self worth again, become stronger, be an example for your children of someone who sees when someone/something is wrong, and changes it. I really truly hope that you have real life support away from him, and that you can become free. It IS possible. You ARE worth it.

Original poster
eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 20:44

Hi everyone, thanks for all the messages and advice. I have been reading them from the sidelines. It has been an extremely rough few days. I have moved into the guest room in the basement and if it was not for my daughter I would out of the house completely.
scope is early next week and he has just been escalating and just being down right cruel. Again. I KNOW he is scared and has medical anxiety but this is just abusive behaviour.
We had a grad dinner for my daughter two nights ago and he announced he was being investigated for cancer. It was devasting. It ruined the whole night and my daughter was distraught. How it started was she was talking about how excited she was about our mother/daughter grad trip this summer to Mexico. He said, "well if you are able to go". then said he was undergoing testing for suspected cancer and if he had it I would need to stay with him and nurse him so no grad trip for you! Then he proceeded to tell the group that we would have answers by now if I had given him my appointment for my scope which was for nothing and now he has to wait. I was speechless.
His sister lost her mind on me (she is a piece of work, always has been) and yelled at me that I was selfish and uncaring and how could I do that. I tried to explain I tried to change the appointment but they wouldn't let me to which she responded then I should have cancelled it all together. I should have refused to go if he couldn't have it instead.
I have since had a long talk with my daughter and I think she is OK. She loves her dad very much so she is very scared and teary about his health but understands I did not block his care.
When I confronted him about this crazy night he said he just has a sense it is going to be bad and needed his family to support him as he knows I don't really care. I moved downstairs that night.
I did ask again if he was having symptoms that he was afraid to tell me and he just told me not to be stupid. He has not lost any weight and runs 4 days a week and plays pick up basketball with his friends so he doesn't seem low energy or unwell. He appetite is unchanged and I cook all his meals.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel so bad for my daughter. She is scared for him but angry at how he blurted it out.
His sister loves to be the arrogant person who would save the day but in reality if he does have cancer she will disappear. she always does when things are not perfect. I suggested to him maybe she take him to his scope if he wants her support and he said she is too busy for that.
We have barely spoken since that night. He texts me things he wants for prep for his scope and I don't respond. I still will take him to his test but past that I just don't know.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 05/06/2025 20:49

Scope or no scope you have every right to end this relationship and it would be the right thing to do. No medical scare or anxiety justifies his abuse.

Donotgogentle · 05/06/2025 20:52

This is just awful OP, well done for standing your ground.

Hopefully his scope result will be negative and you can make plans to move forward with your future without any sense of guilt.

PinkArt · 05/06/2025 20:53

God I'm so sorry he keeps finding new ways to be awful. It sounds like you're seeing him, and his treasure of a sister, with fresh eyes now though. Keep them open, keep them looking towards the future and leave him in the past where he belongs.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/06/2025 20:54

eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 20:44

Hi everyone, thanks for all the messages and advice. I have been reading them from the sidelines. It has been an extremely rough few days. I have moved into the guest room in the basement and if it was not for my daughter I would out of the house completely.
scope is early next week and he has just been escalating and just being down right cruel. Again. I KNOW he is scared and has medical anxiety but this is just abusive behaviour.
We had a grad dinner for my daughter two nights ago and he announced he was being investigated for cancer. It was devasting. It ruined the whole night and my daughter was distraught. How it started was she was talking about how excited she was about our mother/daughter grad trip this summer to Mexico. He said, "well if you are able to go". then said he was undergoing testing for suspected cancer and if he had it I would need to stay with him and nurse him so no grad trip for you! Then he proceeded to tell the group that we would have answers by now if I had given him my appointment for my scope which was for nothing and now he has to wait. I was speechless.
His sister lost her mind on me (she is a piece of work, always has been) and yelled at me that I was selfish and uncaring and how could I do that. I tried to explain I tried to change the appointment but they wouldn't let me to which she responded then I should have cancelled it all together. I should have refused to go if he couldn't have it instead.
I have since had a long talk with my daughter and I think she is OK. She loves her dad very much so she is very scared and teary about his health but understands I did not block his care.
When I confronted him about this crazy night he said he just has a sense it is going to be bad and needed his family to support him as he knows I don't really care. I moved downstairs that night.
I did ask again if he was having symptoms that he was afraid to tell me and he just told me not to be stupid. He has not lost any weight and runs 4 days a week and plays pick up basketball with his friends so he doesn't seem low energy or unwell. He appetite is unchanged and I cook all his meals.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel so bad for my daughter. She is scared for him but angry at how he blurted it out.
His sister loves to be the arrogant person who would save the day but in reality if he does have cancer she will disappear. she always does when things are not perfect. I suggested to him maybe she take him to his scope if he wants her support and he said she is too busy for that.
We have barely spoken since that night. He texts me things he wants for prep for his scope and I don't respond. I still will take him to his test but past that I just don't know.

I will be honest, I didnt believe he could get any worse. Gutted to be proven wrong.

And the sheer malice of saying you wont be able to go if he does have cancer, it just proves thats all he cares about is making you miserable. He cares more about stopping you doing something you are looking forward to than having cancer....think about that for second. He would rather have cancer than let you have fun doing something that isnt all about him. That is so fucked up its hard to comprehend.

Why do you need to stay for your DD? How old is she? Would she move with you?

Frankly I think you need to leave ASAP, preferably before next week. The fact is that whether he has anything wrong or not (I suspect not) he will still play the victim. He will spin it any way he can to make you look like an evil bitch who left him when he was having tests for cancer (whilst completely ignoring the fact that you had the same tests, as he did at the dinner). So you might as well fuck off now and get it over with. Let his bitch sister sort him out.

Oh and bear in mind that whatever his actual result, he will probably lie and say he has cancer as a means to control you further, so I would take anything that you havent heard out of a doctors mouth with a shovel full of salt.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2025 20:59

His behaviour is off the charts. He's the SELFISH one here, not you. His anxiety shouldn't result in this kind of abuse.

How does he expect you to look after him of he does end up having cancer after this behaviour.

His medical anxiety is no excuse for the nasty things he's said to you.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 05/06/2025 21:01

I dont think I would be taking him, and I would certainly not be helping him get ready. This is so awful, he sounds like an arse, and from a family of them. Even if the score was great and he turned into prince charming after, I would be done after this. I am so sorry, OP, you deserve so much better.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2025 21:02

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/06/2025 20:54

I will be honest, I didnt believe he could get any worse. Gutted to be proven wrong.

And the sheer malice of saying you wont be able to go if he does have cancer, it just proves thats all he cares about is making you miserable. He cares more about stopping you doing something you are looking forward to than having cancer....think about that for second. He would rather have cancer than let you have fun doing something that isnt all about him. That is so fucked up its hard to comprehend.

Why do you need to stay for your DD? How old is she? Would she move with you?

Frankly I think you need to leave ASAP, preferably before next week. The fact is that whether he has anything wrong or not (I suspect not) he will still play the victim. He will spin it any way he can to make you look like an evil bitch who left him when he was having tests for cancer (whilst completely ignoring the fact that you had the same tests, as he did at the dinner). So you might as well fuck off now and get it over with. Let his bitch sister sort him out.

Oh and bear in mind that whatever his actual result, he will probably lie and say he has cancer as a means to control you further, so I would take anything that you havent heard out of a doctors mouth with a shovel full of salt.

Show quote history

I agree with what you've said. I just couldn't be married to someone like him. He's horrible.

This isn't the end of his nastiness.

Original poster
eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 21:05

Sally20099 I don't want to abandon him if it is severe health anxiety but I am really tired of always being the stronger, composed party. We have been through a lot of cancer scares with him (not to say that this one is not important). But he has never been there for me to be honest. I have been really lucky with my health for the most part but even when I was pregnant he acted like I wasn't. He used to joke how hard is it to have a baby? It is like taking a bit sh#$#t.
He just isn't the caring kind.
I did know he was not super empathetic when I married him but I guess I thought over time it would be better.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 05/06/2025 21:05

eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 20:44

Hi everyone, thanks for all the messages and advice. I have been reading them from the sidelines. It has been an extremely rough few days. I have moved into the guest room in the basement and if it was not for my daughter I would out of the house completely.
scope is early next week and he has just been escalating and just being down right cruel. Again. I KNOW he is scared and has medical anxiety but this is just abusive behaviour.
We had a grad dinner for my daughter two nights ago and he announced he was being investigated for cancer. It was devasting. It ruined the whole night and my daughter was distraught. How it started was she was talking about how excited she was about our mother/daughter grad trip this summer to Mexico. He said, "well if you are able to go". then said he was undergoing testing for suspected cancer and if he had it I would need to stay with him and nurse him so no grad trip for you! Then he proceeded to tell the group that we would have answers by now if I had given him my appointment for my scope which was for nothing and now he has to wait. I was speechless.
His sister lost her mind on me (she is a piece of work, always has been) and yelled at me that I was selfish and uncaring and how could I do that. I tried to explain I tried to change the appointment but they wouldn't let me to which she responded then I should have cancelled it all together. I should have refused to go if he couldn't have it instead.
I have since had a long talk with my daughter and I think she is OK. She loves her dad very much so she is very scared and teary about his health but understands I did not block his care.
When I confronted him about this crazy night he said he just has a sense it is going to be bad and needed his family to support him as he knows I don't really care. I moved downstairs that night.
I did ask again if he was having symptoms that he was afraid to tell me and he just told me not to be stupid. He has not lost any weight and runs 4 days a week and plays pick up basketball with his friends so he doesn't seem low energy or unwell. He appetite is unchanged and I cook all his meals.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel so bad for my daughter. She is scared for him but angry at how he blurted it out.
His sister loves to be the arrogant person who would save the day but in reality if he does have cancer she will disappear. she always does when things are not perfect. I suggested to him maybe she take him to his scope if he wants her support and he said she is too busy for that.
We have barely spoken since that night. He texts me things he wants for prep for his scope and I don't respond. I still will take him to his test but past that I just don't know.

I'm so sorry OP. What an utterly hateful man he is. And his sister is no better.

He deliberately ruined your daughter's graduation dinner. You are obviously a much nicer person than me, because I would have told him that there was no way I would be nursing him, even if they found something wrong. Let his horrible sister look after him.

You need to leave him. I wouldn't even trust him to tell you the truth if his test is negative. He seems to want to punish you for some reason. The only reason that your scope was earlier than his is because he faffed about when he had to provide the sample for the test and sent it off much later than you did. He sounds like a big, pathetic baby.

Donotgogentle · 05/06/2025 21:09

eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 21:05

Sally20099 I don't want to abandon him if it is severe health anxiety but I am really tired of always being the stronger, composed party. We have been through a lot of cancer scares with him (not to say that this one is not important). But he has never been there for me to be honest. I have been really lucky with my health for the most part but even when I was pregnant he acted like I wasn't. He used to joke how hard is it to have a baby? It is like taking a bit sh#$#t.
He just isn't the caring kind.
I did know he was not super empathetic when I married him but I guess I thought over time it would be better.

Even if it is down to severe health anxiety none of us have to put up with abusive behaviour. We don’t owe that to anyone, no matter what their mental health.

Peachy2005 · 05/06/2025 21:10

Words fail me at his nastiness and that of his sister!

It was just so malicious of him to purposely ruin the night that was supposed to be about celebrating your daughter with his big “announcement”. I hope you were able to explain to her that he is having the exact same tests that you had and you were absolutely fine…so there’s no reason for him to jump straight to “having cancer” and trips having to be cancelled etc.

God I really hope your circumstances allow you to dump his ass - I bet your daughter would support you doing this if she is seeing even a fraction of the way he treats you.

Wishing you all the best xx 💐

MissDoubleU · 05/06/2025 21:15

I have severe life limiting anxiety and PTSD which includes extreme health anxiety, I would never treat my partner like shit or as a punching bag (emotional or otherwise!) because that’s not what good people do.

This isn’t health anxiety this is making himself the centre of everything and needing to have everyone worried about him and dote on him. He’s a deeply unkind and unloving person to behave this way and there is no reason you should put up with abuse, but least of all because he’s a bit scared he has some tests. If it’s cancer what next? Is he allowed to hit you because he’s scared? No. Thousands of people find out they have cancer every day and manage to not be abusive to their long suffering wives.

Starlight7080 · 05/06/2025 21:20

Everyone has health anxiety. It's part of being human . He is just very self centred. And going by his sister it obviously runs in his family.
You should leave and never look back.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 05/06/2025 21:32

The fact his sister backed his ridiculous view about you being the bad guy tells you everything you need to know about how he has operated as part of his family for a long long time. It’s therefore highly likely that these attitudes and behaviours are so deeply entrenched it would take some serious self awareness and motivation to address them. It doesn’t sound to me that he’s got either.

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 05/06/2025 21:45

eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 21:05

Sally20099 I don't want to abandon him if it is severe health anxiety but I am really tired of always being the stronger, composed party. We have been through a lot of cancer scares with him (not to say that this one is not important). But he has never been there for me to be honest. I have been really lucky with my health for the most part but even when I was pregnant he acted like I wasn't. He used to joke how hard is it to have a baby? It is like taking a bit sh#$#t.
He just isn't the caring kind.
I did know he was not super empathetic when I married him but I guess I thought over time it would be better.

Honestly.

Is this the example you want to set for your daughter: martyr yourself into the ground being there for someone who has made it clear he should always come first, you should always come last, and actually openly state he wishes you were the one that had cancer?!? Would you want her to say in a relationship like that?

I'd tell him he's been absolutely vile, and while you don't wish him illness, you're not staying no matter the outcome of his test. You're done.