husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

Jesus, he sounds vile and awful. You deserve more than this

Mate, real talk: I'm an only child and I would never in a million fucking years tell my husband I wished he had cancer. Him being the youngest has no bearing on his actions and words, which are CHOICES he has made, as a grown man, to do and say. He is a grown man in his 50s, not some petulant baby.

You should be taking this seriously. You're talking about how you are going to care for him when he clearly would not do the same for you. As soon as you are anything like seriously unwell, he's going to cry about how hard it is for HIM.

Really please think about this situation. See a therapist yourself for starters so you have someone to talk to about this.

I’m not often shocked by people these days but wow! I’m sorry- does he always behave like this? .I’ve had two different cancers in the last 10 years-I woukd never wish it on anyone.He has shown you what he is.A complete bastard who is not worth wasting anymore time on.

He is unhinged you can not stay with someone who thinks so little of you. I'm actually shocked reading what he has said.

Wishing cancer on someone is just beyond belief. It's the kind of thing any normal person wouldn't even wish it on an enemy. HES WISHED IT ON HIS WIFE.

Don't make excuses for him. He's told you loud and clear what type of person he is and how important you are to him. Listen to him

If someone who was supposed to love me said this to me there would be no going back

@eastcoastgirlie this is very sad. This man has been vile to you for years, hurling abuse at you when the kids were ill, blaming you for every germ that found its way into the house, treating you like a leper during Covid. Now he’s blaming you for his positive test and telling you he hopes you have cancer. And somehow you feel you’ve betrayed him. Wow he’s really done a number on you hasn’t he. Nasty abusive prick. I feel very sad that you’ve wasted years on such a horrible person.

I want to ask you a couple things and you don't have to answer here.

Do you think him telling the kids he had cancer when he doesn't would ruin your daughter's graduation?

Do you think he would stick by you and take care of you if you had cancer? Or would he be one of those guys that would dump you.

Our neighbour had breast cancer, her husband fell apart. He made much more fuss than she did. He still expected his breakfast, lunch and dinner served every day. She really needed her friends and neighbours during that time. He was bloody useless.

We become their mothers who they take for granted.

I admit I don’t read anything with a trigger warning so I know there are probably way worse threads I haven’t read…BUT last week, on here, when the very-pregnant wife got dumped by her “D”H, raising her BP and causing her to have to go in for an emergency caesarean…and the H said he was never returning the car seat for the baby either… I thought that was one of the worst things I had read on MN. Then @eastcoastgirlie it’s as if your DH said “hold my beer”… I mean, yours is very different to that other situation but it’s right up there in how grim it is.

It’s so sad that you say you love him when he clearly doesn’t give a fuck about the rest of you. You can choose to put that down to mental illness if you want but why would you enable him to continue behaving like this and treating you in this way, considering the fact that he clearly has no intention of seeking help for this “extreme health anxiety”. If we are all wrong and you are right and he really is (somewhere deep down) a good person, this is your chance to give him an ultimatum that it’s over for your marriage unless he gets help for his issues. Otherwise what point is there in continuing on with him? It’s really difficult to understand why your self-esteem is so low that you would accept this treatment.

wishing you all the best x

Well as you say, now you know. This is no doubt extremely hurtful but better to know now that this is how little he cares for you, before any of you is in need of the other’s support. He may apologise if the colonoscopy is negative, but don’t be fooled: the mask has slipped. Illness is bound to happen as we get older, you have now incontrovertible proof that when the chips are down he’s a pathetic selfish nasty man child you can’t count on.
If you don’t leave him now you’ll regret it.
i’m sorry, you deserve so much better.

He is disgusting. He wanted you to have cancer instead of him, what a horrible man. I couldn’t be with him after this.

I can hardly believe what I've read!!! What a selfish self absorbed asshole!!! Op I hope you ditch this waste of space forthwith.

Op i have health anxiety and see a therapist for it, I would never as part of my own anxiety treat people around me like shit, or wish them sick. That’s not health anxiety that’s utter selfish arsehole behaviour.

Him first, last and in the middle. Selfishness on this scale is appalling. AND he hasn’t had his re-test yet!.

I’m glad your eyes are opening, it’s time to get angry OP! He’s an absolutely fucking horrible creature. You’ve sacrificed yourself for him, for years. You still have the rest of your life to live, don’t waste it in servitude to anyone, let alone this undeserving, angry and selfish to the extreme little man. You could be happy, picture that.

OP why do you feel you have betrayed your ‘D’H? As a pp has already said, shedding a light on his awful behaviour in an anonymous forum is hardly doing that.

I’m also worried that you will have shown the kids that he matters more than you and that they may react to things accordingly.

Re-write your post as a list in your post phone and read it again and again.

If my DH gave me a list like yours I would have handed it back and asked him to write a list of what he did for me and another of the things he said to me and said I will mirror that.

He should get some counselling for his issues but please do get some for yourself. 💐

She actually tried to give him her appointment but she wasn't able to change it. This was his reaction:

'he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him.'

I think my eyes are opening. Not sure when I became less important than him but if I am honest it has been a long time.

I think that you have always been less important than him.

he has always been self absorbed. Baby of the family and all that. He is your typical guy when he has a man cold.

Sounds as if it has been going on since you met!

I mean that's just a selfish arsehole really.

I have been on MN for years and years, and I thought nothing could surprise me at this point. Then I read this post.

My jaw dropped when I read that he wished cancer on you, OP. I'm not one to throw around "LTB" but I honestly don't see a way back from that. What an utterly heinous man.

Also, you haven't betrayed him. You only feel like you have because you know he would be furious if anyone found out how badly he treats you behind closed doors (and only because it would damage his reputation - not because he actually feels remorse).

And now you feel terrible about feeling bad that he betrayed and treated you poorly. I hope things get better for you.

Wow! Bastard!

The blood they found in his poo is probably his diverticulitis.

Wow what a loon he is.

Yeah he needs to stop the panicking act and not pull the children in to get the reaction he didn’t get from you.

what a selfish thing to do anyway!

I am sorry, but abusive behaviour is not 'Medical anxiety'. He is gaslighting you, psychologically abusing you, verbally abusive - He is horrid. He has a right to be scared, but he doesn't have a right to make you feel horrendous, to treat you like shit on his shoe, or to make you feel frightened.

If this was your daughter being treated like this, what would you tell her to do?

You deserve to be treated better. I would have thrown him out the moment he made you move into the basement, because why didn't he move I to the basement!? Because he doesn't love you enough to put you first!

He sounds like a vindictive, nasty, spiteful little C*nt. If you were my daughter, I would be planning to have him removed from your life.