Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
General health

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

576 replies

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 19:52

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

OP posts:
TrixieMixie · 02/06/2025 18:20

When my husband had cancer I wished it was me, not him and I wished I could take the treatment for him. I’m afraid your husband is a selfish pig and a bell end. Leave him. You know you want to.

Vynalbob · 02/06/2025 18:26

Sometimes I am still astounded by some living organisms that would label themselves human. I just can't get my head round it, unless being an empathetic void SOB is a symptom of an obscure illness I cannot think of any reason why your DH is acting the way he is. You won't be able to satisfy him by the sounds of it so go about your life as normal and do not feel guilty - you have no reason to.

BunnyLake · 02/06/2025 18:29

I’ve had colon cancer (many year’s ago) and have recently had to have several colonoscopies because it was showing abnormalities. Of course I was worried but I wasn’t behaving like this moron you married.

Zezet · 02/06/2025 18:31

OP, you MUST tell your family what happened NOW, not only but ESPECIALLY on the off-chance that he has cancer.
He will treat you horribly and people will mix up the timeline and think he did so once he knew you got lucky and he didn't.

They absolutely must know now.

I am sorry.

Sallywag134 · 02/06/2025 18:39

He sounds like an absolute prick. Doesn’t he realise you have just been through exactly what he is going through except he is expecting support, yet provided none. I would not be keeping my mouth shut. I would get the kids away from him in case he decides to tell them he has cancer, they do not need to know that shit when it is unconfirmed. Then I’d tell him exactly what I thought of his mistreatment of me, our marriage and our family. I’d stay away until his week wait was up and attend the appointment with him…wouldn’t want him lying to you about it. 🙄

hcee19 · 02/06/2025 18:50

Nasty, nasty man. No need for that kind of behaviour, how immatureof him ....You need to tell him, you aren't taking him for his colonoscopy and he should make alternative arrangements. How dare he treat you like that...It's understandable that some people get stressed out about these tests, but for him to say he has cancer when he hasn't it ridiculous and cruel....

madmeg1952 · 02/06/2025 19:10

Well, I'm going to throw in another slant. Not because I think your DH is to be excused his response (and it does sound as if there are other personality issues here) but just to suggest that his attitude was as a result of fear for himself. Fear manifests in different ways by each of us. Some appear to be very brave (I've just been through a year of cancer treatment - age 72 - and everyone tells me how brave I was). They also tells me how well I look and say it must be because my DH has been looking after me.

It's total bunkum. I was petrified. Whilst he wasn't at all pleased about my diagnosis he did next to nothing to support me other than driving me to hospital for treatment. I still did all the cooking/cleaning/financial stuff cos I knew he wouldn't/couldn't. I believe the spirit was willing but he couldn't face doing it as he was scared to get it wrong. When our DD age 17 developed Bulimia he was the same. While I was advised by the EDA to limit the amount of food in the house he stocked up excessively on rubbish, such that it delayed her acceptance of the problem. Basically, it was his response to the stress. Not admirable, I know, but just his way of coping. I now realise he has been similar with other crises we have had to face, whereas I am very practical. I can shout and scream whereas he bottles things up (I often accuse him of having no feelings or interest). Maybe your DH's response was for a similar reason.

However, he is and adult and he needs to learn (fast) that he is not the only person on the planet and his family deserve to be regarded as equally important.

HarLace1 · 02/06/2025 19:14

Utterly speechless. However, we all know what's gonna happen. His will be negative, he'll be full of apologies and relief and you'll both forget it ever happened because it's easier than leaving this absolutely c* who would happily rather have u face cancer. Please leave him. He gives ZERO shits about you.

GiveDogBone · 02/06/2025 19:15

Ignore the usual MN man-haters urging you to get divorced over a simple argument about the timing of a hospital appointment.

Firstly, it’s highly unlikely he has any serious cancer if you are being screened every two years, so it will all sort itself out. Second, he obviously has an acute phobia of having cancer and he’s acting completely irrationally (which is what people with phobias do).

People of all sorts can react badly when faced with their own mortality (or likely not in this case). When the test comes back negative everything will be back to normal.

HarLace1 · 02/06/2025 19:16

GiveDogBone · 02/06/2025 19:15

Ignore the usual MN man-haters urging you to get divorced over a simple argument about the timing of a hospital appointment.

Firstly, it’s highly unlikely he has any serious cancer if you are being screened every two years, so it will all sort itself out. Second, he obviously has an acute phobia of having cancer and he’s acting completely irrationally (which is what people with phobias do).

People of all sorts can react badly when faced with their own mortality (or likely not in this case). When the test comes back negative everything will be back to normal.

He literally said he wanted her to have cancer. This isn't a silly argument, he is an absolute wanker.

lostinthesunshine · 02/06/2025 19:22

GiveDogBone · 02/06/2025 19:15

Ignore the usual MN man-haters urging you to get divorced over a simple argument about the timing of a hospital appointment.

Firstly, it’s highly unlikely he has any serious cancer if you are being screened every two years, so it will all sort itself out. Second, he obviously has an acute phobia of having cancer and he’s acting completely irrationally (which is what people with phobias do).

People of all sorts can react badly when faced with their own mortality (or likely not in this case). When the test comes back negative everything will be back to normal.

You can always spot the posts that are going to be bonkers. They always start with “ignore the …”

kphips · 02/06/2025 19:32

If he is speaking to you like this OP it sounds to me like a type of domestic abuse- this is not always physical and can involve putting people down, controlling behaviour and coercion. Do feel you can reach out for help and I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I very much hope that this behaviour is isolated and that you won't have to suffer it further, but if it is not then help and advice is out there.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/06/2025 19:33

GiveDogBone · 02/06/2025 19:15

Ignore the usual MN man-haters urging you to get divorced over a simple argument about the timing of a hospital appointment.

Firstly, it’s highly unlikely he has any serious cancer if you are being screened every two years, so it will all sort itself out. Second, he obviously has an acute phobia of having cancer and he’s acting completely irrationally (which is what people with phobias do).

People of all sorts can react badly when faced with their own mortality (or likely not in this case). When the test comes back negative everything will be back to normal.

What a load of garbage. What you call a simple argument about the timing of a hospital appointment, OP describes as follows:

'He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him.'

He was also upset when OP's scope came back clear as he was hoping that she would have cancer as that would mean that he wouldn't have it.

He is also going to tell his children that he has cancer, even though he hasn't had his results yet.

If you think that everything will go back to normal after he receives a negative result and that OP can just brush his abusive behaviour under the carpet, you are very much mistaken.

We don't hate men on Mumsnet. We do hate selfish, cruel, self-absorbed and abusive men like OP's husband who you seem to be supporting.

Tillow4ever · 02/06/2025 19:34

GiveDogBone · 02/06/2025 19:15

Ignore the usual MN man-haters urging you to get divorced over a simple argument about the timing of a hospital appointment.

Firstly, it’s highly unlikely he has any serious cancer if you are being screened every two years, so it will all sort itself out. Second, he obviously has an acute phobia of having cancer and he’s acting completely irrationally (which is what people with phobias do).

People of all sorts can react badly when faced with their own mortality (or likely not in this case). When the test comes back negative everything will be back to normal.

I’m not sure who’s worse - OP’s husband or you. How can you read everything the OP has put and still minimise it this way?

She very, very clearly spells out the years of abuse she’s dealt with, to the point she’s panicked and is saying she shouldn’t have posted it because people are telling her how awful he is. And yet you chalk it up to a minor argument?

He told her that he wished she had cancer.

He got angry at her after she tried to give him her appointment because the hospital wouldn’t let him. The only reason he had to wait was because he left the test sitting around instead of doing it.

He refused to help her prepare for her appointment or even drive her to it. But is expecting her to help him.

He wants to tell his family he has cancer now and ruin his daughter’s graduation, despite nothing yet to indicate that he might have cancer.

Did you read about his treatment of his wife during Covid? Or when their children got sick?

can we at least try to raise the bar a tiny bit higher?

Hopingtobeaparent · 02/06/2025 19:44

BellissimoGecko · 01/06/2025 20:04

This.

Show quote history

Double this!

He has shown his true colours, scared or not, mental health struggles or not, he has shown just how he sees you in your relationship, that’s no excuse for how he’s behaving! Sorry, OP. I don’t normally say this, but personally I’d be prepping to LTB.

The fact that you were happy to try to swap appointments with him, makes me wonder about your boundaries with him, it may be helpful to review over previous behaviours and situations, I wonder if you’ll see them differently now…

Glad yours is OK. I hope his is too, but just so that you don’t have that added guilt complication should you leave him. A former bf I was with was diagnosed with cancer a few months afterwards, I was SO relieved I got out beforehand!!

caringcarer · 02/06/2025 19:50

gamerchick · 01/06/2025 20:00

He wished it was you and not him?

Fucking hell OP. Well you know now, if things did happen he would not be there for you. I don't think I could get past that, scared or not.

I'd be telling him he's a selfish fucker and take the kids somewhere else for the week.

This and he tried to steal your appointment. He seems totally insensitive to the fact you were at risk too. I'd quietly go on a little break with kids for a week and make sure he can't contact them during this time. You'd be better off without him, but you already know this. Glad you're in the clear. 💐

Gyozas · 02/06/2025 19:54

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 23:10

you know what is crazy? It never occurred to me that I would have cancer. I was much more concerned about his result even before we got it. Even getting him to poop on the stupid stick was a big production. It was in the bathroom for weeks (which is why I got my result and appointment so much earlier). Our daughter freaked out one morning when she saw the screening thing in the main bathroom and said does dad have cancer? I said no it is a screen you have to do after a certain age, I just did one too, it is being responsible like getting cervical exams and mammograms. But I am sure he left it out intentionally so the family would know he was getting a test. He wants us to worry.

When I got my result my first thought was please god let his be negative. To be honest when his was positive my first thought was I need to give him my appointment because this is way more important. I am fine........

I think my eyes are opening. Not sure when I became less important than him but if I am honest it has been a long time.

I know you’re not ready to hear this @eastcoastgirlie, but your husband is an actual monster.

He has done a total number on you. My god. His selfish histrionics has you centreing him above literally anyone else.

When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me.

This is utterly unforgivable.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/06/2025 19:56

GiveDogBone · 02/06/2025 19:15

Ignore the usual MN man-haters urging you to get divorced over a simple argument about the timing of a hospital appointment.

Firstly, it’s highly unlikely he has any serious cancer if you are being screened every two years, so it will all sort itself out. Second, he obviously has an acute phobia of having cancer and he’s acting completely irrationally (which is what people with phobias do).

People of all sorts can react badly when faced with their own mortality (or likely not in this case). When the test comes back negative everything will be back to normal.

Back to her nice “normal” abusive relationship. You clearly have a very low bar. What a load of utter minimising tosh.

PinkCandles · 02/06/2025 19:58

GiveDogBone · 02/06/2025 19:15

Ignore the usual MN man-haters urging you to get divorced over a simple argument about the timing of a hospital appointment.

Firstly, it’s highly unlikely he has any serious cancer if you are being screened every two years, so it will all sort itself out. Second, he obviously has an acute phobia of having cancer and he’s acting completely irrationally (which is what people with phobias do).

People of all sorts can react badly when faced with their own mortality (or likely not in this case). When the test comes back negative everything will be back to normal.

OP ignore the usual MN woman haters as above. They believe men can do no wrong and call anyone who points out poor male behaviour a man hater. Very silly and to be ignored.

Ohnobackagain · 02/06/2025 20:12

Ajayo · 01/06/2025 20:02

When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it

Wow that’s awful. I couldn’t stay with a man who said that to me.

This @eastcoastgirlie

CommonAsMucklowe · 02/06/2025 20:24

I'd be packing my bags and getting a divorce with an attitude like that. What a nasty piece of work you have for a husband. And he wants to tell kids he has cancer when he doesn't know he does??? That is unforgivable and marriage ending for me.

cinnamongirl123 · 02/06/2025 20:28

Why on earth are you married to this demented selfish asshole?

Onetwothreefour1234 · 02/06/2025 20:37

I am so sorry you are going through this, what a selfish and awful situation this is. Why is he any more or any less important than you. I feel very angry on your behalf. He has behaved so selfishly

Pessismistic · 02/06/2025 20:41

Hey Op don’t apologise for seeking support your dh has acted awful and has showed his true colours he cursed you he wanted you to have cancer your worst enemy would not have done that. I hope he is ok but everyone goes through stuff like this and your being supportive to him even putting your own health 2nd to his. I hope he’s good to you in other ways because I could not forgive his behaviour towards you yes he might be stressed but so were you. Remind him sickness and in health is a 2 way thing I hope you never get ill he won’t be strong enough to care for you. He’s acted like a big kid.

MaddestGranny · 02/06/2025 20:43

dear @eastcoastgirlie the many PPs who are advising you to re-assess the life you've had/are having with your abusive "D"H have it right . You are only in your early 50s. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in unthanked, unappreciated servitude to this abusive, narcissistic man-baby? You may well be looking at 30+ more years of life. It is your choice how you want to spend it. It would be a very good idea for you to find a therapist who would help you clearly and honestly assess your life, your choices and help you make decisions for YOURSELF and what YOU want to do with the life you have left. Good luck, girlie. Life can be great. Don't be afraid of breaking away and going it alone.

Swipe left for the next trending thread