husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

Tell him to do his own prep - whatever that means. Late DH had a colonoscopy and there was nothing we had to do but turn up (UK - may be different). And how are you selfish for getting an appointment first and not being able to change it? He is selfish in asking you to do such a thing (which might have delayed your result with catastrophic consequences) and then blaming you. He is just wanting to be centre stage and is having to share it with you and is resentful. Tell him to stop being so silly and selfish. Let him take himself to his screening - after all, he would not take you to yours.

Once you know that the person who is meant to love you most would rather you had cancer than he did, and sees no wrong in actually sharing that with you, I'm not sure you could ever see them in the same way again. The self centredness and complete lack of care for you is bordering on the psychopathic, and tells everything you need to know about what he'd prioritise if the chips were down.

It speaks buckets about him. But I know what you mean.

I have a couple of relatives that have health anxiety - get OTT about spreading germs and every tiny symptom of say a cold is a terminal illness - they can be stroppy and rude, through fear I guess though it’s quite exhausting for those around them. However, never, ever have I heard them say anything remotely like that to anyone, nor would they expect anyone to give up appointments for them - anyone at all, let alone their partners.
I would agree males in general get weird around check ups and illness much more so than women but whilst it may be a reason for them to be agitated, a bit stroppy etc there’s no reason to try to take their partner’s appointment or wish they had cancer - will he realise exactly how unreasonable 99.9% of humans think this is? Will he acknowledge how he’s hurt you because of his anxieties?
I actually think this is the next step along from how he normally treats you and you just had enough this time so posted. You’ve not betrayed him - it’s an anonymous forum and you need a space to work this stuff out - you can’t just accept something so hurtful. Even if you pin it all on extreme anxiety you have feelings too and are allowed an outlet.
I hope he’s ok and I hope he seeks help. But I do really think you should consider how your lives will pan out as you both age.

He sounds a real peach..

Hey - I'm essentially an East Coast girl myself and I get how important loyalty, chin up, positivity in the face of difficulty, backing your family to the end of the earth are part of our very identity but this is a social pact it works only if everyone buys in .. it can not be one way! Might be (or not I just know I've been there) that you are feeling super guilty right now becuase you feel you have shamed your partner by complaining in public - you haven't! This should be a place to share your feelings, get support and advice and some perspective. It's anonymous and you've not done a thing wrong. I'm sorry you are going through this. You 100 per cent deserve to share your valid feelings of hurt and wor out how that will translate to being treated and heard properly.

What a selfish, cowardly, pathetic, nasty man.

You're feeling guilty about seeking anonymous support yet he wished cancer on you.

I would be treating him as he treated you. He can do everything himself including getting himself there and back

i would then take a long hard look at his behaviour and decide if I really wanted to stay

Good grief. If he was on the Titanic, he'd be ripping the lifejacket off your back and sprinting for the boats, trampling small children underfoot.

The mere mention of Room 101 has him screaming "Do it to Julia!"

Ugh.

I don't know how I'd feel in his shoes, I know I'd support my partner, but even if I did occasionally have the sneaky ignoble base survival instinct thought of "If it's one of us, I'd hope it's not me" I would die of shame if I ever breathed that out loud.

Hand him a white feather and get out of there. Or - as PPs have pointed out- your life will get worse and worse as you both age.

If you leave and he paints himself as the victim and you as the callous abandoner, just go large with the "betrayal" (it isn't) and simply tell everyone what he said.

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He sounds like a truly hideous individual.

My dear @eastcoastgirlie you have not betrayed your husband but my goodness he has betrayed you. If you had unfortunately got cancer I would bet my last pair of knickers he would have divorced you and left you on your own

I sincerely hope, for your sake and not his, that he doesn't have cancer but oh my goodness he is a horror

I am wishing you luck and sending you love and hugs x

I’d leave him. I’m deadly serious. He doesn’t give a shit about you. Vile cretin of a man.

This is the crux of your thread OP, it sounds like you are in an abusive marriage.

This

He accused you of stealing an appointment.

He refused to take you to your procedure.

He hoped you would have cancer

He is saying he's going to tell the kids he has cancer when he has no symptoms or diagnosis.

Any of these actions would be really awful. Together, he has not one bit of care for you and he's such an attention whore that he would worry and scare his kids with a lie.

You had better watch out. Your husband is bad news. He would toment you and his kids for attention.

You can delete but it won't change the truth.

you know what is crazy? It never occurred to me that I would have cancer. I was much more concerned about his result even before we got it. Even getting him to poop on the stupid stick was a big production. It was in the bathroom for weeks (which is why I got my result and appointment so much earlier). Our daughter freaked out one morning when she saw the screening thing in the main bathroom and said does dad have cancer? I said no it is a screen you have to do after a certain age, I just did one too, it is being responsible like getting cervical exams and mammograms. But I am sure he left it out intentionally so the family would know he was getting a test. He wants us to worry.

When I got my result my first thought was please god let his be negative. To be honest when his was positive my first thought was I need to give him my appointment because this is way more important. I am fine........

I think my eyes are opening. Not sure when I became less important than him but if I am honest it has been a long time.

WTAF have I just read! You are the one who has been betrayed, by that excuse of a man. I honestly could not stay in a marriage like this, I feel for you and your children.

Sadly, you know what he thinks of you, now.

You don't have to wait for a result. He wished cancer on you out loud. If the trust is gone, you can tell him to leave, at least for long enough for you to work things out and get your ducks in a row. Or is it geese over there? 😉🦆🫂

@eastcoastgirlie

is this him?

I don't think so.
Where does it say that the person deliberately wants to scare their children?
OP you have been conditioned for so long and worn down by it all.
No wonder you couldn't see the wood for the trees.
But there's a big world out there.
You don't have to stay in the dark forest.
We all wish you all the best.
Please keep in touch.

People can catastropize without wishing cancer on their wives or wanting to lie about having cancer to traumatize their kids.

This was multiple malicious acts. He tried to take her appt. He tried to sabotage her procedure by refusing to take her. Wishing cancer on her. Lying about having cancer is just the worst on a whole shit sandwich here.

OP says he wanted o tell their children he has cancer even before the investigations had started and there is no diagnosis.

@eastcoastgirlie am I reading that right?? you were both put on a 2 week pathway but you got your appt first and he is furious because you wouldnt let him have your appt???? wtf is he on? has he always been fixated on his own health and not bothered about yours?