husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

You know he is being OTT
does he?
Tell him to grow up there us no cancer until.diagnosis
If he is diagnosed then you will need to set boundaries so you survive it

With a husband as selfish as this one, you can manage by pretending everything is normal, until you get sick. Then you can’t help but see what a selfish shit he is.

Im sorry you’re experiencing this OP. You haven’t betrayed him, you’re just completely used to accepting his treatment of you and now It’s shocking to realise how he really sees you.

Just tell him you’re going to support him through this the same way he supported you through it. Don’t run around after him. You deserve better than this.

I have a theory (totally untested, you understand) that as men age, they suddenly discover they are vulnerable.

Women, on the other hand, know they are vulnerable very early on and get used to navigating in a world where their vulnerability is plain for all to see.

Men, (well a lot, if not most) only experience vulnerability as they age. It's new to them and it's frightening. They struggle to come to terms with it. I know, poor them 😐.

None of my unproven theory excuses your crass husband, opening poster. It's in no way an excuse for his terrible behaviour, but it might be a reason why?

On the other hand, your husband might be a right selfish bastard. Only you can say

I think you’re feeling anxious and sick because you’ve probably realised what an utter selfish twat your husband is. No ine, and I mean NO ONE wishes cancer on anyone! I’d not wish that on someone I didn’t like, let alone my husband.

He made you sleep in the basement when you worked on a Covid ward! He was more worried about himself than you! Did he realise you were far more likely to get Covid than him… you were caring for Covid patients ffs.

Sorry op, but I think I’d match his energy, not take him to his appointment and use the time to speak to a solicitor about your next steps

I am really struggling with the fact that he wanted you to give up your appointment in order that he could have it. And then for him to regret the fact that you don't have cancer because he thinks, stupidly, it raises his chances of having it is absolutely appalling. I don't care how nice he is, I don't care how many jokes he tells or anything like that, he is completely selfish and lacks any empathy.

you would be a fool to put up with this. You would also be a fool to faff about getting him all his medical needs sorted while he's waiting for his appointment. He's not disabled. He's perfectly able to do that himself. Let him.

No it sounds like you have been conditioned to put him first and invalidate your own feelings all the time.
You haven't betrayed your DH at all, you've told it like it is but you're feeling guilty because you've been made to believe his needs come before yours.

What an utter wanker. This is LTB territory. There is no excuse for not supporting you and no excuse for catastrophising the situation. Utter, utter wanker.

This.

Sometimes random events reveal the truth and there's no going back.

'I was scared' - so were you.

'I have health anxiety' - most people with health anxiety don't become abusive shits.

I am appalled and so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Thank god your test came back clear. I am not excusing your husband as his behaviour has been vile but fear can bring out the absolute worst in people. I would get through next week, hopefully all goes well and then sit him down and explain how he’s made you feel. You deserve accountability and an apology, and for him to get some therapy or something should the worse ever happen. If he doesn’t do those things, I would totally understand you ending your marriage.

I’m recovering from colon cancer. I know he is scared, but I find his actions and what he’s saying totally disgusting if I’m honest.

Wtf have I just read. So you both tested positive and you both need scopes. Typical male making it all about him. Yes I get he’s nervous over it but does he not realise you tested positive too. I wouldn’t be doing fuck all to help him with his prep or taking him to his appointment since he didn’t help you . He’s a selfish twat. He doesn’t even know he does have cancer those FIT tests don’t always mean cancer. And as for telling the kids he has cancer I’d frankly divorce him over that if he does that.

@eastcoastgirlie not sure if you will see this, before deleted but just want to send a hug, because you have had a shock as well!! & DH is being incredibly mean & self centred. Please know you have not betrayed him by posting on here you a sought appropriate support, as a nurse there are plenty of occasions when you can’t talk about things but sometimes it’s not fair to have to go it alone & an anonymous forum is a good place to vent. You have been & are being supportive of him beyond what he deserves, health anxiety or not he is being very selfish. Hopefully it’s due to his diverticulitis as I wouldn’t wish Ca on anyone. Look after yourself xxx

What a sorry excuse for a human - he is an absolute disgrace . The not helping you with your appointment and blaming you that he couldn't have it instead was bad enough, but the wishing it was you comment is just unforgivable. I just don't think I could ever move past this.

Most of us have health scares as we get older I have never heard of anyone behaving this badly over one. So pleased you are fine.

Well you’re obviously educated, but culturally, you need to bring him into the 21st century where women are men are equal.

Your marriage sounds like a bad work contract.

He’s betrayed you op, it sounds like he’s betrayed you very often. In your shoes I’d say marriage is a two way street and I will care for you and your health the same way you do for mine, so I won’t get anything ready for your appointment, I cannot bring myself to be as truly awful and nasty as to say I hope you get cancer not me, but I can’t support a man who clearly would fuck off and let me die alone. Now fuck off, we have children and one of us loves them and is going to concentrate on them. If you tell them you have cancer without a diagnosis I will tell them you’re a delusional narcissist and exactly what is going on and what you’ve said to me. But I suspect they know that by now.

He sounds like a peach.

You haven't betrayed him at all. You needed to get it off your chest and talk to people about it and you did that on an anonymous forum. His behaviour and attitude towards you is truly appalling, and I can't get over him saying that he was hoping it would be you and not him.

I'm sorry to hear you wish you hadn't posted. But hopefully it helped get it off your chest and to hear from others in a very unfiltered way that your instincts are spot on and he is selfish and self absorbed. Counselling for him sounds a very good idea whatever the outcome of his tests. Even if he is a great husband/ dad outside of health scares, he needs to address his issues because of the impact on you and the children.

Blimey OP! 😱

What a poor excuse of a human being he has been. Everything he has said is unforgivable and I hope one day you will realise that. We will be here

WTAF. If this is all as you describe, then he is an unbelievable twat. Surely there were signs of his utter selfishness prior to this??

I understand, and you've got what you needed from the thread, whether you use it or not. You just needed to be heard.

You can report your own post and ask MNHQ to delete the thread. They often will if you have concerns it may be identifying.

I do not exaggerate when I say, this is the most appalling and saddest thing I have ever read, regarding relationships, on this site. It's not even the initial thing, it's the way you've come back feeling guilty and like you've betrayed him by vocalising this. It's devastating.

I think that both of your statements are correct. Certainly the ageing one. You are very perceptive, we do as women get used to being in vulnerable situations every moment of every day. We are aware of it, we do what we can to mitigate risk and, sadly, have to accept it. I have certainly seen in my father and my BIL, the less able they are to do things, the more angry they get and the more they both seem to try and prove they can still to do those things, hurt themselves in the process and then get even angrier.

But, I also agree that he is a total shit. In my father and BILs cases their anger is at themselves, their inability to do things and to accept it, so it manifests as depression/sadness/withdrawal. It has never manifested (to my knowledge) as the abuse the OP is suffering.

I also suspect that this isnt a recent thing, he has probably always been abusive but the OP has explained it away as stress, worry, "its just his way" etc.

Agree

OP - he wanted to take your appointment, he didn’t support you at all through it, he actually wished cancer on you, and you’re worried you’ve betrayed him? You are a typical victim of emotional abuse I’m afraid, you’ve been so ground down and conditioned by it over the years that you’re blaming yourself. You owe him nothing. He’s incredibly selfish and doesn’t care for you at all. I could not stay in a marriage like yours.

I’m glad you got the all-clear, but sorry for what a worrying time it must have been.