husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

Wow, he wished it was you and not him?! You cannot stay with him now, you deserve so much better.

I couldn't believe what i was reading when I read this. Honestly reads like this man gives zero %£#%s about you... I get he's scared but he's only thinking of himself. If he got a clear result on next test first thing I would do is leave him.

Stop pandering to this big baby. You are making things worse as nothing you will do will ever be enough. Leave him to do his own prep like he did you. He has done so many unforgivable things, you need to divorce this odious man asap.

Sure, people can be lacking in empathy, self-absorbed, and that doesn’t make them bad people, or an auto-write-off.

What matters is how they respond when you are explaining what it is like for you, when stuff is actually happening for you, to you, when you are pulling them out of their own arse, that is important.

Sorry, OP, but yours is showing all the bad signs from what you have shared. But when we’ve been in it for so long, this can be really hard to see…

He’s not trying to empathise, not trying to be an even bit considerate, in fact, he’s making physical effort to make it harder for you, he minimises your experience.

His whole attitude about your tests, and yours coming first, regardless to his response to when you were in the clear, speaks volumes!

And what he did at your DD’s grad meal, well, almost speechless, but the other posters have summed this up nicely already. I really hate the C word, but I think your guy totally deserves it.

Unfortunately, your 2 personalities typical pull together, you’re a giver, he’s a taker, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Please don’t let it stay that way. This will not get any better. He doesn’t sound capable of any change. Please assert better for yourself, and your DD.

Write down these examples, and all the previous ones, of his unreasonable, mean, behaviour, and all the other ones that you wrote off as him just being a bit thoughtless and rubbish, as I can bet they’re more telling than you realised at the time. Look at the whole picture, not the individual examples on their own. They build a picture. Would you want your DD being in a relationship like that? I’m guessing not, then why tolerate that for yourself? Why is it ok for you and not for her?

OP, I know this sounds slightly paranoid but are you sure he will be honest with you about the results of the scope (if he is cleared)?

I honestly don’t know how you haven’t thrown him out an open window!

Does he honestly think, for some unknown medial reason his test will be any different to yours, and that he should get different aftercare than he gave you? I don’t know what goes on in his head to think it’s in anyway acceptable to treat you so unreasonably.

If it is health anxiety (which it sounds like it is), does that only apply to him, would he not get health anxiety for his loved (I use the term loosely in his case)?

I was thinking the same thing

@eastcoastgirlie hoping you have a shopping day and long lunch planned with your friends!! did you remember the wellies and the bag of concrete for him??

I’m genuinely staggered at this man’s behaviour. He needs therapy and to learn to behave. I doubt I could forgive him.

Honestly, I wouldn't have been there when he got home. I'd have left him in the hospital and told him to hire someone to look after him as it wasn't going to be you.

Everything you’ve described sounds really calculated, manipulative and evil. There’s definitely something seriously wrong with this man, but I don’t think it’s health anxiety!

You seem to be dismissing how awful this situation is. He’s showing that not only does he not care about you, but he actively does things to make things more difficult for you. Do you really want to stay with this man into old age? If you get ill what do you think his treatment of you is going to be? If he gets ill how insufferable do you think he’s going to be about it?

Surely when he said you had no idea, you reminded him you’d just had the same test 🥴.
He is so abusive, he made it difficult for you to go to the toilet. I mean surely you can see how utterly vile and cruel that is? I wouldn’t have done any of the things you’ve done, let alone take him. What a disgusting man. You can’t stay with him after this. It won’t get better.

I couldn't forgive how cruel he has been to you and your DD. I hope his test is negative, only so he can't continue to hold that over you. He does not deserve any support from you.

It's worse than that. It's teaching her daughter how to be treated in her relationships. She's going to end up with a bloke just like the man being described here.

Good lord, he actually sounds evil. A pathological narcissist. Please tell us you are divorcing this abusive dispicable thing? Why are you torturing yourself?

Get him through this investigation and the all-clear, OP, and then get your act together and leave him before the next scare comes along and he does this again. Get all the paperwork etc together. Start putting money into an escape fund. Talk to a lawyer about the practicalities of divorce and what you can expect to walk away with. Sounds as if your children are old enough to appreciate what's been going on. Don't try to hide the toxicity of their father's anxiety from them. You deserve better than this. You have good health but it sounds as if he's out to ruin it. Leave him and have a better life on your own — and perhaps with someone who'll be better for you.

So it's business as usual.
Your poor daughter is being taught when a man treats her like dirt - that he is more important than she is, and when he says jump she should ask how high.

...kill him with kindness. I like your style.

Can I just say to the others who have commented on this thread:
OP is a nurse, and the very essence of any nurse is to deliver effective care without bias or judgement.
That is something that has been ingrained into her for probably 30 years or more by the NMC.
Taking care of her husband on the run up to a hospital procedure is the right thing to do - for any wife, let alone a nurse. Yet, this does not mean she isn't cursing him under breath, nor biding her time to break free from his mental abuse, when the time is right.
She is cleverer than you all give her credit for.

Enjoy watching him go through the prep, or it go through him, to be more precise 😄

What a drama queen for making such a song and dance. Has he got no dignity?Is he going to cry when the hosepipe goes up his arse?

I think this man has probably been manipulating, minimising and psychologically coercing you for years OP. And your reality, your perception of what is normal and acceptable is so skewed that you are entrenched in this pattern, continuously repeating it to your own detriment.

It’s so hard to break out of, like any abuse is. As he gets older this will worsen and I suspect there will come a time when you’ll either completely succumb to this man and drown, or you break free. That will be either sooner (you get help and leave or you birth change in this relationship), or later (possibly many many years from now) when he pops his clogs and you can finally breathe.

Others can’t choose for you, and if the choice is unthinkable now, then maybe think about some counselling for yourself. Maybe someone professional can help you with the dynamics here, and you’ll either accept your lot in life as someone inferior and someone less worthy. Or you’ll find your inner strength and change it.

As a side note, I had a positive FIT test and needed a colonoscopy. My husband made me a nest on the bathroom floor with pillows, blankets, broth, drinks, book, charger, bum cream (so very romantic that diarrhoea) and anything else he could think of. I forget the rest because everything I had ever eaten seemingly was evicting itself from my insides at speed.

you deserve better, I hope you learn this eventually and back yourself - because you are worth it.

No NMC in Canada, but I get what you are trying to say. Nobody should be a handmaiden.

When he says you have no idea what it’s like, do you point out to him that you did the bowel prep yourself a couple of weeks ago?

I find it very sad that you are laughing and joking about this man’s abuse of you, and setting your daughter up to walk into a similar relationship. You sound intelligent and well supported, why are you login like this? Your husband doesn’t care about you, he actively dislikes you, he wishes you dead, and you’re still running around after him? It makes no sense.

Wow I’m so sorry he’s behaving this way & treating you appallingly as a consequence. Is he usually very entitled & dramatic about health complaints generally? Obviously the possibility of cancer is terrifying & so you maybe have no real comparison but it’s interesting how you automatically put aside your worries in favour of his - from the start. Is that how you both normally operate? I agree that he should seek support from MacMillan or similar in Canada - they have telephone free counselling sessions or a Buddy who are fantastic IME. He needs to process & hopefully rationalise some of his feelings. But I can’t get past the me first & me only approach to this & the superiority he’s demonstrating over you & your place in all of this. If it were me I would be expressing this - even if he is terrified of being confirmed it’s cancer. I actually can’t get over him asking you to give him your appointment & blaming you for him possibly having cancer!! It’s outrageous & deeply hurtful. If this is not an exaggerated version of him & he’s not usually so selfish, entitled & dramatic then I suppose your only assumption would be this is a complex grief/trauma reaction that he needs professional help to process. Congratulations to you for being in the clear btw. Despite him being so reactive I do think he needs to know the way he’s treating you is not ok & that possibly having cancer does not exempt him from human decency & the normal respect a person has towards his partner & mother to children & wife. Good luck OP.

As a GP I see a lot of people with health anxiety. None of them wish cancer on their partner. In fact, most of them feel some anxiety for the health of their loved ones too, as well as themselves. This man is uniquely awful. He sounds like a psychopath.