husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

This is gobsmacking, it would be OVER for me!!

Every update of this thread is more shocking. I understand why you did the prep, even though you're eyes are opening - it's very hard to get out of the dynamic you are in. I really hope after his test you can start to value yourself and make decisions that make you happy, OP.

What. The. Fuck. Am I reading.

Irrespective of his diagnosis please leave this fucking bastard.

Also YOU could have had cancer too he was trying to steal your appointment.

I pray it comes back negative just so
A. You don't get talked into caring for this absolute selfish arsehole.
B. You can see how crazy this all was and leave.

I also do not understand how you didnt explain at dinner he delayed teating, your test came back positive too, he was trying to steal YOUR appointment and doesnt know if he has anything yet.

Please please leave. Do not be a nurse for this arsehole

Beyond glad your best friend is supporting you right now - what do they think of this whole situation? My other half had a scope last year and didn’t moan once about it. Seemed weirded out that I booked us somewhere to stay near the actual clinic and wanted to come with him to support. Even drove us home after because ‘he felt fine’.

Fingers crossed it all goes well and you can make a decision on your future with the nasty manbaby with a clear mind afterwards. And I don’t even feel bad that he’ll be stuck on the loo all night before. I’d ‘lose’ whatever he’d prepped to keep himself distracted during the night and replace with something he hates, personally.

Also something to think about...

You clearly have low/ no standards for yourself but his treatment of your DD is beyond the pale.if you can stand up and leave for yourself do it for her...

He essentially purposefully ruined her night x2

1. He purposefully.leaving test box in the bathroom to upset and scare her... and it it WAS done on purpose and you know that.

2 his preplanned outburst at dinner and again let's be real. Again, his little speech / tirade WAS pre-planned.

Why on earth do you indulge him?

Exactly this - I would have gone away for a few days and left him to it. With an empty fridge and no loo roll.

I have no idea why you’re doing anything for this man. How can he say with a straight face that ‘you have no idea’ when you’ve already done it?!

The blocking of the bathrooms is such blatant abuse.

You do see how bad this is don’t you @eastcoastgirlie? I’m really not sure you do.

Your husband is warped and trying to humiliate you in all sorts of ways. Why does he think he is more important than you? Honestly it will get worse and he will be awful if you get Dementia or any other serious illness. He isn’t looking after you so why look after him? He has shown you his true colours throughout life but this shows you you are just a servant. In sickness and in health means supporting someone through sickness.

This is sad.

At this point you’re enabling abuse of you and your daughter by pandering to him in this way . There is nothing funny about any of this.

Do you have any plans to stand up for you and your daughter or is this just a ranting thread? Serious question. Fair enough if it’s the latter but I think you should be clear about that.

But not him he doesn’t deserve it.

It’s not often I am genuinely rendered speechless by a poster’s account of their DH’s red flag behaviour but this is the worst I think I have ever read. OP, the man you married is a monster and I am so glad this thread is helping you see that. When he gets the all-clear, which he will, leave and don’t look back. Your life will be infinitely more joyful without him.

This is awful, genuinely shocking. Please just get away from him, don't wait for the test. Health anxiety is not an excuse for his terrible selfish behaviour.

Out of curiosity, given his behaviour, why on earth have you done all this prep for him. I particularly ask if you are sleeping in the guest room. Are you scared of him? This isn’t the ‘I’ll just take him to his appointment’, in fact let him organise how own transport.

you know his behaviour is abominable so why feed it and make it acceptable?

Over the years of treating heath anxiety I have never come across someone who sounds so self centred as him. Most of the clients I work with not only worry about themselves becoming ill but also about their loved ones becoming ill. They have a huge fear of the uncertainty that a serious illness could bring them or their loved ones. Maybe he has health anxiety but he sounds more like he has a personality disorder, which he can also work on if he wants to.

I am sorry you are experiencing this, I am also sorry that I am going to be straight and to the point here.

He sounds like a spoilt brat, bully, giant man baby.

Are you happy being with him?

If his tests come back clear, how will you and your daughter whom he has scared unnecessarily think and feel?

if it comes back positive, how do you think your life will be at home? You have a stressful job, and then going home to a giant man baby, who will send you texts day in day out demanding you do this and that and blame you for his illness day in day out. Then also say awful spiteful things to you when you are at home with him. Being his disgraceful servant

You are not at fault for him and his fate, he is. He is responsible for his thoughts and behaviours and knows that he is being totally unfair and uncaring to you and your daughter. That was a spiteful thing he done at the meal.

I am not saying he is not deserving of kindness, love, care and compassion I am saying you are equally deserving of kindness, love, care and compassion

What do you say when he says tgat you have no idea how hard this is? Do you point out to him that you’ve been through this recently too?

I’m concerned that after ruining your DD’s Grad night you’re still enabling him.

Do you want to leave?

I hope when his test comes back negative you will have the biggest argument of your life with him Op. I honestly don't know how you can stand to look at him after what he's said and done.

He sounds very like my narcissistic late FIL. He absolutely believed he was the most important person and everyone else in the family was there to serve him. MIL cared for him for many years while he was vile, rude and belittling to her. When he died, she was convinced he would have left her a note somewhere just saying thank you for all she'd done for him. She'd told herself for years that his abhorrent behaviour and treatment of her was because he was scared or worried and really he loved her and was grateful.
Of course he hadn't, it wouldn't have ever occurred to him to do anything nice for her. She's now having to process that, and the realisation that if the tables had been turned he would never have looked after her. She's slowly realising how much of her life has been about him and his wants and just how unimportant what she wanted was to him.
Don't waste any more of your precious life on this toxic man. You only get one go, leave him and make a happy life for yourself.

What an arsehole.

So statistically 1 in 2 people have cancer and he wanted that to be you out of the two of you? He doesn't give a F about you. I would be throwing him out now before his test. Fuck him.

So glad yours was negative @eastcoastgirlie x

You dont owe this man care .. he is a horrible abusive shit .
I dont understand why you give while he takes solely for himself and your daughter wow how could he react this way self centred self absorbed bully.
Why would you stay in this there is a whole word out there you are in concrete .

• not in concrete

Disgusting selfish man. Hope can he expect a normal relationship after this behaviour. I would ditch him asap

Keep reading this until it sinks in!

Just keep reminding him that you were also investigated for cancer. It sounds like the unreasonable behaviour runs in his family if his sister had the same opinion about your appointment. Good luck!

Well, what a manchild! He is a proper idiot, with an idiotic sister for completion.
I would not worry. He sounds perfectly well. He can deal with his emotional shit.
Just, really, tell him you were hoping he shuts the fuck up if he says any more shite at any time. And do call him immature prick to his face.