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Original poster

husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

576 replies

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 19:52

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 06/06/2025 18:40

He will only get worse as he gets older, as more health issues inevitably arise

IIWY I’d be leaving him. He won’t be there if you really need him, he’ll be too concerned about himself

And yes, if he does have cancer, I think I’d STILL be leaving. He will never appreciate anything you do to help and you’ll be the permanent bad guy

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/06/2025 20:07

Topseyt123 · 06/06/2025 18:09

Will you be able to believe him if he tells you he has cancer? I wouldn't. I would need to hear the results given with my own ears/see with my own eyes. If he gets the all clear then what are the chances that he will tell you (if you weren't present) that he has cancer anyway and must be nursed round the clock by you? High, I would have thought. So I'd go to his appointments with him for that reason alone - he just cannot be trusted.

I'd also be telling him in no uncertain terms that my graduation trip to Mexico with DD would be going ahead come what may.

He's a coercive, controlling fuckwit who cannot bear not to be the centre of attention. He even suggests that having a baby is a piece of piss. Bollocks to that shit.

I think you need an exit strategy from this relationship. He will always be a controlling fuckwit.

Edited

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he lied about it. The attention is the very air that he breathes.

Pinkissmart · 06/06/2025 22:08

Gosh op.
Your updates are horrific.
Love is a verb

BunnyRuddington · 06/06/2025 22:45

I hope you’ve managed to read through the thread today @eastcoastgirlie

The absolute shock and disgust by lots of MNers is really apparent in their posts.

I hope you’ve had some time to reflect and can start to see just how bloody awful he is.

Funnyduck60 · 06/06/2025 23:56

Sorry but I really wo auldn't want to grow old with him. It's probably nothing this time , but one day one of you will get ill then what? Doesn't sound like he is going to look after you and he will be a huge problem if he gets sick. Don't normally advocate divorce but I genuinely think he will make you unhappy in your old age. There will be lots of other worries going forward and he seems incredibly selfish.

carrotycrumble · 07/06/2025 00:27

Dear God, why are you with this horrible man? Words fail me.

DolefullySingingMotherfucka · 07/06/2025 04:20

He is the cancer. Cut him out of your life.

Elboob · 07/06/2025 12:43

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 05/06/2025 21:45

Honestly.

Is this the example you want to set for your daughter: martyr yourself into the ground being there for someone who has made it clear he should always come first, you should always come last, and actually openly state he wishes you were the one that had cancer?!? Would you want her to say in a relationship like that?

I'd tell him he's been absolutely vile, and while you don't wish him illness, you're not staying no matter the outcome of his test. You're done.

Show quote history

@eastcoastgirlie I'm so sorry but @ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine has nailed this. Do you want your daughter to think this is how reasonable adults treat eachother?
His behaviour is horrific. And that's not overstating it. Wishing cancer on you! Outrageous.
Please consider leaving this selfish, terrible baby.

ilovesushi · 07/06/2025 18:31

He is an awful awful person. I cannot believe he ruined your daughter's celebration dinner, caused her a great deal of stress and worry, upset you and tried to paint you as the baddy in front of everyone. I think you need to get away from him. I think once you do you will feel tremendous relief. xxx

B33cka8 · 07/06/2025 20:13

2024onwardsandup · 01/06/2025 19:59

Well now you know - he without a doubt thinks that he is the most important and your role is to serve him

id leave someone over this

Truly same, life is too short.

Pallisers · 07/06/2025 21:03

Jesus your update, OP! I'm so sorry.

I hope you have years of contentment ahead of you once you lose this man.

JWhipple · 07/06/2025 21:11

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 20:27

Wow! I posted my post and then went and ran a tub and when I checked back I was overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all for the kind words and support as well as your honest reactions which validated mine. He really hurt me.
in answer to some questions he has always been self absorbed. Baby of the family and all that. He is your typical guy when he has a man cold. He is always so much sicker than everyone else. I’m a nurse and during covid I worked on a covid unit. He made me move to the basement so I wouldn’t get him sick. That is just him.when the kids were small one got sick and ended up in hospital he yelled at me and told me I should have caught it sooner and was a horrible mother etc. I think it is how medical anxiety affects him. This is by far the most nuts he has been but he has never been faced with the C word before
in other aspects of our life he is a good guy, funny, supportive of my career, but anything about his health and watch out.
I did ask him today about getting some counselling and that what he said really hurt me. He didn’t seem to care but I do know that he will go back and reflect. He may not apologize but he will reflect
I really worry if this is cancer how I’m going to care for him. He is going to be so angry and it will be all my fault. I told him that as well and said we need counselling. We will see

He fundamentally doesn't care about anyone else's health and wellbeing but his own? This isn't medical anxiety. This is some deep rooted nastiness.

I'm sorry I don't think that goes with him being a nice man. He sounds like he would throw you out of a lifeboat so there would be more rations for him.

Tanjamaltija · 07/06/2025 21:12

You did not 'take his appointment - moreover, you tried to give him yours. Ad he wishes you have cancer. And he is a git.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/06/2025 22:01

@eastcoastgirlie

Lovely, you owe him no more care and devotion than the amount he has shown to you. Namely, none at all.

Having health anxiety does not entitle one to be abusive and cruel.

And if you are basing your belief that you owe him care on your marriage vows, well, he’s broken them already a thousand times over.

Think about what YOU deserve. Think about what your children deserve.

Get the support you need and get free.

ChristineKo · 08/06/2025 00:09

I am horrified by what your husband said and how he is treating you. You deserve so much better. I'm glad your scan was clear!

Original poster
eastcoastgirlie · 08/06/2025 01:19

Wish me luck! His prep starts tomorrow. I made up our bed with clean sheets, bought ginger ale and broth and clear juices, got a heating pad ready because he has been told he will have cramps. Gravol for nausea. Lots of toilet paper in every bathroom. Been told all day I have no idea how hard this is.
funny story when I was doing my prep he decided to clean the carpets in our room and the hallway essentially blocking off access to the bathrooms. First time in our marriage he ever cleaned anything. My best friend just said I should clean all the carpets tomorrow!

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 08/06/2025 01:39

eastcoastgirlie · 08/06/2025 01:19

Wish me luck! His prep starts tomorrow. I made up our bed with clean sheets, bought ginger ale and broth and clear juices, got a heating pad ready because he has been told he will have cramps. Gravol for nausea. Lots of toilet paper in every bathroom. Been told all day I have no idea how hard this is.
funny story when I was doing my prep he decided to clean the carpets in our room and the hallway essentially blocking off access to the bathrooms. First time in our marriage he ever cleaned anything. My best friend just said I should clean all the carpets tomorrow!

This man is a cunt.

You friend is right. Lets see how this shit head likes it when he gets the same treatment from you that you got from him.

ETA why didnt you say "Well yes I do, because I did this a fortnight ago....."?

Tillow4ever · 08/06/2025 01:40

The more you describe him, the worse he sounds. But also, the more I can read the realisation in your tone! Hold onto that - don’t try to minimise this as time passes.

Codlingmoths · 08/06/2025 01:42

eastcoastgirlie · 08/06/2025 01:19

Wish me luck! His prep starts tomorrow. I made up our bed with clean sheets, bought ginger ale and broth and clear juices, got a heating pad ready because he has been told he will have cramps. Gravol for nausea. Lots of toilet paper in every bathroom. Been told all day I have no idea how hard this is.
funny story when I was doing my prep he decided to clean the carpets in our room and the hallway essentially blocking off access to the bathrooms. First time in our marriage he ever cleaned anything. My best friend just said I should clean all the carpets tomorrow!

It’s not funny. It’s him thinking of an acceptable way to make your life harder even when you’re going through a tough time. It’s incredibly, crazing abusive. The single message you need to take from this thread is ‘it’s ok to leave an abusive man even when he has cancer. It’s ok to leave him if he is terminal. Frankly, he will tell everyone you are a terrible person who dumped him because he was terminally ill even if he’s a healthy marathon runner so you should regard that as a GOOD reason to leave him even if he has cancer. There is no scenario where he doesn’t make it about you being a horrible person, but you will be free. And your daughter.

Billybagpuss · 08/06/2025 01:42

If it turns out to be positive, don’t let that guilt you into staying if you want to leave. He doesn’t get to treat you as a lesser being and still benefit from your help.

DrFoxtrot · 08/06/2025 02:16

When you point out that you have been through the exact same thing, what does he say? Not that it would make a difference, I’m just curious to know if he has any insight into his behaviour. I highly doubt it and I agree with PP that you should seriously consider ending the relationship. It is like you are an object to him, there to make his life easier, serve him, you have no rights or needs.

LovePoppy · 08/06/2025 02:45

Time for a divorce this summer

Gymnopediegivesmethewillies · 08/06/2025 03:43

I think this is one of the worst threads I have ever read. I felt so sorry for you I wanted to sweep you away and show you life can be so much better free from this awful man.

However, Stockholm syndrome aside, I’m aghast that you would baby him with all the accommodations you have made for him for his prep time following his actions. Are you so abused and downtrodden that you are frightened not to or are you the world’s biggest enabler and martyr? Think about it, and think about whether you want your daughter to see that that is how a woman should be treated.

Good Lord.

myplace · 08/06/2025 06:46

Wow. You really need to stop dancing around him. He doesn’t see what you do for him. It’s better not to do it, give him the chance to see what that looks like. Your poor DD. From experience, she may feel she has two options in relationships, slave or master. My mum chose master, having seen her dad lord it over her mum. My poor dad got to be slave.
Neither slave nor master is healthy.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/06/2025 07:05

eastcoastgirlie · 08/06/2025 01:19

Wish me luck! His prep starts tomorrow. I made up our bed with clean sheets, bought ginger ale and broth and clear juices, got a heating pad ready because he has been told he will have cramps. Gravol for nausea. Lots of toilet paper in every bathroom. Been told all day I have no idea how hard this is.
funny story when I was doing my prep he decided to clean the carpets in our room and the hallway essentially blocking off access to the bathrooms. First time in our marriage he ever cleaned anything. My best friend just said I should clean all the carpets tomorrow!

You are making a joke of his entitled behaviour but it isn't funny. The fact that he blocked your use of any of your bathrooms when you were doing your prep was a cruel attempt to humiliate you. He wanted you to shit yourself to punish you for having an earlier appointment than him and being unable to swap with him.

Mussolini used the forced ingestion of castor oil, a laxative, to intimidate and humiliate his opponents. My Italian lecturer at University told us how this was done to her father in the street. It is a form of torture.

Your husband is evil. Please take it seriously.