husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

What a selfish man. His reaction is the opposite to that of most decent people: in my experience, anyone I know who has had a cancer scare has played it down, and has either not told their families or has told them that the investigations are just precautionary and it's almost certainly all fine. But your husband simply wants everyone to be worrying about him even though he knows (or should know) that it is more likely than not that he hasn't.

As for wishing cancer on you just because he thinks that makes it less likely that he has it, words fail me.

He is not only abusing you, he is abusing your daughter. What he did to her at her graduation dinner was abusive. And telling her that if he is diagnosed with cancer her mother/daughter graduation trip to Mexico would be canceled is COERCIVE CONTROL. His behaviour is manipulative, gaslighting and controlling.

She needs you much, much more than he does. She needs to be protected from further abuse. She is your daughter.

🤔
First of all, congratulations on your being in the clear. That's a huge relief eh?
I don't understand your dh at all. Is this panic and anxiety unusual for him? I can understand his fear but not his lack of concern for you his spouse. I don't understand why he is disregarding everybody else except maybe he is having a kind of mental break, really long panic attack?

Good luck, I hope his scope will be clear. Until then maybe he could get some ativan to try to calm his nerves?

when the kids were small one got sick and ended up in hospital he yelled at me and told me I should have caught it sooner and was a horrible mother etc. I think it is how medical anxiety affects him.

Sorry just catching up with your previous posts, how horrible. I hope you can see him for what he is. Don’t lie to yourself again, please. Do not justify his behaviour because he has medical anxiety.
What a waste of space.

If you were working during covid, and I can imagine you were exhausted, he should be the one sleeping in the effing basement btw.

Never go to marriage counselling with an abusive spouse;that’s what he is;abusive.

You are being emotionally,psychologically and verbally abused by this man.

who the fuck tells someone they wish they had cancer????

Is it safe to leave him?;do you have access to an exit strategy?

Big hugs op.This this is awful.x

Marriage counselling is never recommended with an abuser, personal counselling is a good idea for the OP is a very good idea.

He sounds fucking unbearable

I read this to my DH, he said your "d"H is a f*ing cunt.
Please, please, please listen to what most people on here are saying. He should be worried about you, he should be making sure his daughter has her moment, and instead, he decided he needed to be centre of attention. Who does that?!
Honestly, I wouldn't help him with his prep, he didn't help you at all. But I would go to his doctor's appt to hear the doctor tell him the results and then ask for them in writing!

I would leave him. I hope you do. You deserve to be put first, it's time for you to be selfish, for once.

Kindly OP, this, and I think you already know anyway. His sister sounds just as bad. What a pair! You’ll be better off without them in your lives so much!

Also this!

And just for clarity, it’s SELFCARE, not selfish. SELFCARE for you and your daughter.

To be honest I'd be serving him divorce papers. Selfish is a understatement of the year!

Please make sure you do go to the appointment.

Please make sure you tell your DD her dad is behaving very badly and she and you deserve better.

Please make arrangements to leave with your DD- but quietly and secretly. He’ll try and sabotage if he knows what’s afoot.

There have been studies showing that when a woman is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, the chances of her husband having an affair or leaving her go up. In contrast, when a man is the one who becomes seriously ill, his wife is far more likely to stay and support him. Divorce rates don't increase in the same way when it's the man who's unwell. It's really grim, but the pattern has been seen in several studies.

If he does say he has cancer, from reading your posts I would absolutely make sure you either hear it for yourself or see written irrefutable evidence. He sounds like he likes being the centre of attention and important. If he’s fine and dandy you can go off to Mexico guilt free ( which I hope you will either way)

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this but glad you’ve got the all clear, tgat is really good news. You must have been worried about your own result and not only have you had no sympathy or support, he’s been downright abusive to you.

A few posters have said not to take him to the appointment but I’m with the minority who say to take him and be there when he talks to the Doctor.

This is a vindictive liar that you're dealing with. It’s beyond “not the caring type”. I wouldn’t trust a word he says.

I do agree too that you need to tell your DD what he did on her Grad Dinner was absolutely unforgivable and you’ll be leaving.

I’m not sure how Divorce works in Canada but I’d be gathering as much information as I could on his finances and assets and getting recommendations for a good divorce lawyer.

I can understand why you didn’t leave when he screamed at you when obe of the DC was in Hospital but that was unforgivable too. Also, being mean when you were PG. It sounds as though you’re realising that of all the attention isn’t on him then he’ll do anything to make sure it is.

You may have decades still to live. I really hope you get to live them happily without abuse.

Being scared goes no way towards justifying the behaviour you describe- life is scary ,we all have to deal with fear- why does your DH think he should be exempt from one of the basic features of life, especially when it is at the expense of the person closest to him?

Honestly OP the minute my partner even hinted he wished it was me that had cancer I’d have packed his bags with zero regrets. And if he did have cancer in the end? Well it’s entirely his fault he has no one holding his hand through it. He chose that for himself by being a disgusting abusive piece of shit.

The list of prep he expects you to get, suggest he puts his nasty energy into getting it himself. What an entitled twat. As another poster suggested go and stay with family. Hope all goes well with your appointment

I did not believe your H could get any worse.
Please LTB for your sake and your daughters.

Op my ex has anxiety which manifests in controlling behaviors
Understanding it is his anxiety helps to comprehend the actions but does not excuse them.
Ultimately none of us shoukd be Subject to abusive behaviors whatever the cause
Standing firm grey rock
Repeating calmly some key messaging can all help. "This is a routine screening test at this stage" "there is no cancer unless diagnosed" "there are no cancer symptoms "

And you do not have to stay living with him "in sickness" when his behaviour becomes abusive
Especially when he seems to have a loving sister by his side lol He can go live with her

I’ve had this cancer and wouldn’t dream of behaving the way he has. The positive test could be any number of things (it could be piles!).

Even if it is cancer, that doesn’t mean he gets to behave like an unregulated toddler. I would separate regardless (you can still support him if it is cancer) but you don’t need to do it in the capacity of wife.

At least enjoy the fact he’ll be spending the day before on the toilet suffering a burning ring of fire!! 😆

Your posts made me really sad Op, he's put himself front and centre all your marriage and now you're so used to it that you can't see what an appalling, awful man you've married. He doesn't deserve your care and concern, the things he said were dreadful, what kind of man hopes his wife has cancer to spare himself? Go to his appointment and make sure you see every text/letter/e mail because I wouldn't believe a fucking word he says, I wouldn't put it past him to lie just to punish you.
If he gets the all clear then leave him, please, leave him, your DH is vile. I've read some nasty things on MN about men's behaviour but his is off the scale

Will you be able to believe him if he tells you he has cancer? I wouldn't. I would need to hear the results given with my own ears/see with my own eyes. If he gets the all clear then what are the chances that he will tell you (if you weren't present) that he has cancer anyway and must be nursed round the clock by you? High, I would have thought. So I'd go to his appointments with him for that reason alone - he just cannot be trusted.

I'd also be telling him in no uncertain terms that my graduation trip to Mexico with DD would be going ahead come what may.

He's a coercive, controlling fuckwit who cannot bear not to be the centre of attention. He even suggests that having a baby is a piece of piss. Bollocks to that shit.

I think you need an exit strategy from this relationship. He will always be a controlling fuckwit.