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Original poster

husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

576 replies

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 19:52

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 05/06/2025 21:47

Apologies I haven’t read the full thread but what on earth?! Op his behaviour is so appalling I don’t have words. You don’t need to live like or be treated like this.

MiloMinderbinder · 05/06/2025 21:47

Good luck! You have every chance of being ok. Positive thoughts and prayers from me

AnonWho23 · 05/06/2025 21:48

He's nasty and abusive. He made his daughters grad dinner all about him. He ruined it for her. He's incredibly selfish. I ynderstand why you feel that you need to support him during the scope. I hope he's well so you can divorce his arse. I imagine if he has cancer you'll feel obligated to look after him and he'll think he has carte blanche to abuse you throughout.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/06/2025 21:50

MissDoubleU · 05/06/2025 21:15

I have severe life limiting anxiety and PTSD which includes extreme health anxiety, I would never treat my partner like shit or as a punching bag (emotional or otherwise!) because that’s not what good people do.

This isn’t health anxiety this is making himself the centre of everything and needing to have everyone worried about him and dote on him. He’s a deeply unkind and unloving person to behave this way and there is no reason you should put up with abuse, but least of all because he’s a bit scared he has some tests. If it’s cancer what next? Is he allowed to hit you because he’s scared? No. Thousands of people find out they have cancer every day and manage to not be abusive to their long suffering wives.

This is very true.

Real medical anxiety wouldnt manifest like this, this is about making everyone pander to him and making him centre of attention. He is an abuser who has chose this method of abuse.

OrlandointheWilderness · 05/06/2025 21:59

This man does NOT love you.

what would you say if your daughter was with a man who spoke to her like this?! Who wished cancer on her, and who would put her second?!

PinkArt · 05/06/2025 22:00

eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 21:05

Sally20099 I don't want to abandon him if it is severe health anxiety but I am really tired of always being the stronger, composed party. We have been through a lot of cancer scares with him (not to say that this one is not important). But he has never been there for me to be honest. I have been really lucky with my health for the most part but even when I was pregnant he acted like I wasn't. He used to joke how hard is it to have a baby? It is like taking a bit sh#$#t.
He just isn't the caring kind.
I did know he was not super empathetic when I married him but I guess I thought over time it would be better.

The health anxiety is what is convincing him they he has cancer, that it's going to be the worst possible diagnosis and that he's going to die. Everything beyond that is just being a self absorbed cunt though. He made a choice to say he hoped you got cancer, to try to steal your appointment, to ruin your daughter's big meal. All choices and he chose to be so deeply unpleasant every time.
You deserve so much better.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/06/2025 22:05

I said earlier in the thread that I hope he doesnt have cancer.

I would like to now add to that......"because I dont want him to have something else he can use to abuse the OP". Every SINGLE thing he wants her to do will be followed up with a reminder that he has cancer and therefore she would be wildly selfish and unreasonable to not immediately jump and do whatever he is demanding.

justasking111 · 05/06/2025 22:06

@eastcoastgirlie has been through a lot of cancer scares with her husband. He really needs help catastrophising like this. I've seen health anxiety on here over the smallest spot that appears but the person feels guilt and apologises for their issues. None of them have been nasty posters.

LaughingCat · 05/06/2025 22:37

eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 20:44

Hi everyone, thanks for all the messages and advice. I have been reading them from the sidelines. It has been an extremely rough few days. I have moved into the guest room in the basement and if it was not for my daughter I would out of the house completely.
scope is early next week and he has just been escalating and just being down right cruel. Again. I KNOW he is scared and has medical anxiety but this is just abusive behaviour.
We had a grad dinner for my daughter two nights ago and he announced he was being investigated for cancer. It was devasting. It ruined the whole night and my daughter was distraught. How it started was she was talking about how excited she was about our mother/daughter grad trip this summer to Mexico. He said, "well if you are able to go". then said he was undergoing testing for suspected cancer and if he had it I would need to stay with him and nurse him so no grad trip for you! Then he proceeded to tell the group that we would have answers by now if I had given him my appointment for my scope which was for nothing and now he has to wait. I was speechless.
His sister lost her mind on me (she is a piece of work, always has been) and yelled at me that I was selfish and uncaring and how could I do that. I tried to explain I tried to change the appointment but they wouldn't let me to which she responded then I should have cancelled it all together. I should have refused to go if he couldn't have it instead.
I have since had a long talk with my daughter and I think she is OK. She loves her dad very much so she is very scared and teary about his health but understands I did not block his care.
When I confronted him about this crazy night he said he just has a sense it is going to be bad and needed his family to support him as he knows I don't really care. I moved downstairs that night.
I did ask again if he was having symptoms that he was afraid to tell me and he just told me not to be stupid. He has not lost any weight and runs 4 days a week and plays pick up basketball with his friends so he doesn't seem low energy or unwell. He appetite is unchanged and I cook all his meals.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel so bad for my daughter. She is scared for him but angry at how he blurted it out.
His sister loves to be the arrogant person who would save the day but in reality if he does have cancer she will disappear. she always does when things are not perfect. I suggested to him maybe she take him to his scope if he wants her support and he said she is too busy for that.
We have barely spoken since that night. He texts me things he wants for prep for his scope and I don't respond. I still will take him to his test but past that I just don't know.

I am beyond angry for you and your daughter. This should be a special, happy time for her and the second she showed excitement for something that didn’t include your H, he decided to scare the wits out of her.

He’s selfish, cruel and manipulative. I think you’re beginning to see that now.

Your sister sounds a nightmare too - why on earth would you have to not get your own concerning result checked out just because you got your test date through first? They’re both completely bonkers.

Seriously, I’d take your kids and leave the pair of them to it. You. Have. Done. Nothing. Wrong.

MummoMa · 05/06/2025 22:40

I can only imagine how awful he will be if he ever does actually have cancer. He got a positive FIT test, like many people do, and it's unlikely anything sinister.

I hope, whatever the outcome, you take that trip with your daughter.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 05/06/2025 22:50

@eastcoastgirlie what a horrible selfish man he is! a real prince among men! of course, you wont be able to look after him at all because you will be in mexico with your daughter. he deserves no sympathy/

SamDeanCas · 05/06/2025 22:55

Oh gosh, I’d struggle to come back from this in your shoes op.

His behaviour is unhinged. Your tests are akin to a smear test. What would happen if each time you had a smear you were announcing to your family and friends you were being investigated for cancer - just madness.

Id be using this time to decide what you want from this relationship, and if you still want it. My friend has health anxiety, but she’s never once been cruel or used it to upset her husband or children. If it was health anxiety without the crudeness and abusive behaviour id be insisting he gets help, but I think I’d struggle to stick with him, even if he did get help. Sounds like he has a huge selfish streak anyway.

Your poor dd, how can he ever think it’s fair to drop that bombshell on her, especially on HER night. Sounds narcissistic to me

Ajayo · 05/06/2025 23:06

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 05/06/2025 21:45

Honestly.

Is this the example you want to set for your daughter: martyr yourself into the ground being there for someone who has made it clear he should always come first, you should always come last, and actually openly state he wishes you were the one that had cancer?!? Would you want her to say in a relationship like that?

I'd tell him he's been absolutely vile, and while you don't wish him illness, you're not staying no matter the outcome of his test. You're done.

Show quote history

Is this the example you want to set for your daughter: martyr yourself into the ground being there for someone who has made it clear he should always come first, you should always come last, and actually openly state he wishes you were the one that had cancer?!? Would you want her to say in a relationship like that?

I agree. Your poor children. What are they witnessing? What are they learning? I’m glad that your daughter was angry though. It shows that she realises this is unacceptable.

ArtTheClown · 05/06/2025 23:10

You need to leave this terrible man. Please. He doesn't love you at all.

Gyozas · 05/06/2025 23:14

eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 21:05

Sally20099 I don't want to abandon him if it is severe health anxiety but I am really tired of always being the stronger, composed party. We have been through a lot of cancer scares with him (not to say that this one is not important). But he has never been there for me to be honest. I have been really lucky with my health for the most part but even when I was pregnant he acted like I wasn't. He used to joke how hard is it to have a baby? It is like taking a bit sh#$#t.
He just isn't the caring kind.
I did know he was not super empathetic when I married him but I guess I thought over time it would be better.

This man is absolute scum. Just a mindblowing, selfish, cruel, hideous piece of shit. Truly. Please, please, please leave this abusive monster.

WinSomeandLoseSome · 05/06/2025 23:15

eastcoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 21:05

Sally20099 I don't want to abandon him if it is severe health anxiety but I am really tired of always being the stronger, composed party. We have been through a lot of cancer scares with him (not to say that this one is not important). But he has never been there for me to be honest. I have been really lucky with my health for the most part but even when I was pregnant he acted like I wasn't. He used to joke how hard is it to have a baby? It is like taking a bit sh#$#t.
He just isn't the caring kind.
I did know he was not super empathetic when I married him but I guess I thought over time it would be better.

Once this test is over and hopefully negative you should seriously think about moving on without him. Life is short and you are entitled to a happy one. He will continue to lurch from one healthcare crisis to another. Don’t let it ruin your life too. You cannot sacrifice yourself to become his support. He is a grown man and it is up to him to face his problems and get some sort of therapy.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 05/06/2025 23:18

How fucking self absorbed is he? He should be showing you the same love and concern as you show him
He's wishing cancer on you.. Let that sink in
i don't think I could get past that
Seek support from those who DO love you.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/06/2025 23:23

@eastcoastgirlieYou can’t stay with this awful abusive manipulative shit of a man. His sister is no better. You deserve so much more. He’s fucking vile.

SlightlyJaded · 05/06/2025 23:33

I cannot, CANNOT believe what I am reading.

I am breaking down the facts as I see them. Please correct me if I am wrong OP.

You both had the same test for the same reason.

Neither of you were more at risk than the other. You were literally in the same boat.

Your test came through first because you were more efficient at shitting on a stick

He demanded you 'hand over' your appointment, and for reasons that I suspect are to do with years of being worn-down, belittled and bullied, you attempted to make this happen. When it wasn't possible, he kicked off and said if he had cancer, it was your fault that he wasn't seen sooner.

When your test was clear, he was DISAPPOINTED because that swung the 'odds in his favour'?

Throughout all of this, he has been a dramatic, man-baby demanding that you all 'prepare' for the worst as he will need everyone to bow and scrape and attend his every need when the inevitable happens.

He ruined DDs special night with attention seeking, premature announcements because he needed everyone to a) give him full attention and feel sorry for him b) understand how selfish you were not to facilitate him being seen sooner.

He is an utter CUNT. And I don't use that word lightly. He is the cuntiest cunt of all the cunts and the most selfish-man-baby I have read about in a long time.

OP. You have lost your sense of self-worth because of his awful behaviour which you say has been going on for years. He has worn you down and stripped you of any ability to put yourself first. But please let this be the thing that wakes you up. For your sake and for your DDs.

I'm sorry to say this but I am going to. I would be leaving this cunt whatever the outcome of his tests. Let his sister call you everything she wants. I hope for everyone's sake it's a negative result, but honestly, this man with a diagnoses of ANYTHING would be unbearable. Please please consider leaving.

outerspacepotato · 05/06/2025 23:44

Time for you to do some reading.

Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. This is available as a free PDF.

Your husband is abusing you and your family. He is having screening. That's it. He has no symptoms.

He ruined your daughter's graduation dinner and he's going to ruin her graduation and her trip and her whole summer with his abusiveness.

If he says he has cancer, insist on seeing the test results. Your husband is a malicious liar using a health scare to abuse you and your children. I wouldn't trust him an inch. He'll lie.

He's a fucking monster.

Changeminds20 · 05/06/2025 23:49

Wow…. What a horrible man! Don’t feel bad that your appointment came first. That’s life I’m afraid he needs to go and have a long hard look in the mirror my friend. He’ll end up with no one around him if he is poorly.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 05/06/2025 23:51

Anxiety or not your husband is a big cry baby: loads of people get cancer scares and don’t seek attention- they wait for answers. It’s selfish tbh and I think you should stop making excuses for him. He’s literally wished cancer on you. I’ve had severe health anxiety in the past/ I’m the opposite, I hope no one ever suffers.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2025 23:55

Starlight7080 · 05/06/2025 21:20

Everyone has health anxiety. It's part of being human . He is just very self centred. And going by his sister it obviously runs in his family.
You should leave and never look back.

I agree. The nastiness runs in his family.

Hopefully, that trait isn't passed down to the kids.

SandyY2K · 06/06/2025 00:00

SlightlyJaded · 05/06/2025 23:33

I cannot, CANNOT believe what I am reading.

I am breaking down the facts as I see them. Please correct me if I am wrong OP.

You both had the same test for the same reason.

Neither of you were more at risk than the other. You were literally in the same boat.

Your test came through first because you were more efficient at shitting on a stick

He demanded you 'hand over' your appointment, and for reasons that I suspect are to do with years of being worn-down, belittled and bullied, you attempted to make this happen. When it wasn't possible, he kicked off and said if he had cancer, it was your fault that he wasn't seen sooner.

When your test was clear, he was DISAPPOINTED because that swung the 'odds in his favour'?

Throughout all of this, he has been a dramatic, man-baby demanding that you all 'prepare' for the worst as he will need everyone to bow and scrape and attend his every need when the inevitable happens.

He ruined DDs special night with attention seeking, premature announcements because he needed everyone to a) give him full attention and feel sorry for him b) understand how selfish you were not to facilitate him being seen sooner.

He is an utter CUNT. And I don't use that word lightly. He is the cuntiest cunt of all the cunts and the most selfish-man-baby I have read about in a long time.

OP. You have lost your sense of self-worth because of his awful behaviour which you say has been going on for years. He has worn you down and stripped you of any ability to put yourself first. But please let this be the thing that wakes you up. For your sake and for your DDs.

I'm sorry to say this but I am going to. I would be leaving this cunt whatever the outcome of his tests. Let his sister call you everything she wants. I hope for everyone's sake it's a negative result, but honestly, this man with a diagnoses of ANYTHING would be unbearable. Please please consider leaving.

I love how you broke down every step in this whole thing.

It lays out just how mean, nasty, selfish and emotionally unintelligent he is.

This isn't how you treat someone you love at all. It's diabolical.

Gyozas · 06/06/2025 00:01

SlightlyJaded · 05/06/2025 23:33

I cannot, CANNOT believe what I am reading.

I am breaking down the facts as I see them. Please correct me if I am wrong OP.

You both had the same test for the same reason.

Neither of you were more at risk than the other. You were literally in the same boat.

Your test came through first because you were more efficient at shitting on a stick

He demanded you 'hand over' your appointment, and for reasons that I suspect are to do with years of being worn-down, belittled and bullied, you attempted to make this happen. When it wasn't possible, he kicked off and said if he had cancer, it was your fault that he wasn't seen sooner.

When your test was clear, he was DISAPPOINTED because that swung the 'odds in his favour'?

Throughout all of this, he has been a dramatic, man-baby demanding that you all 'prepare' for the worst as he will need everyone to bow and scrape and attend his every need when the inevitable happens.

He ruined DDs special night with attention seeking, premature announcements because he needed everyone to a) give him full attention and feel sorry for him b) understand how selfish you were not to facilitate him being seen sooner.

He is an utter CUNT. And I don't use that word lightly. He is the cuntiest cunt of all the cunts and the most selfish-man-baby I have read about in a long time.

OP. You have lost your sense of self-worth because of his awful behaviour which you say has been going on for years. He has worn you down and stripped you of any ability to put yourself first. But please let this be the thing that wakes you up. For your sake and for your DDs.

I'm sorry to say this but I am going to. I would be leaving this cunt whatever the outcome of his tests. Let his sister call you everything she wants. I hope for everyone's sake it's a negative result, but honestly, this man with a diagnoses of ANYTHING would be unbearable. Please please consider leaving.

Please read this @eastcoastgirlie.

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