My lack of exercise and my refusal to care for my health has caused my DH to request that we go for Councilling

[QuintessentialShadow]

Ok,
I dont exercise, I am size 16 (borderline 18) and overweight. I sometimes treat myself to cake and ice cream, but usually eat quite healthily.

My posture is changing, it is an effort to get up from when I am sitting, I pant on the starecase, my knees hurt, as do my back and pelvis (had bad spd).

My lack of willingnes to do something about this, like go to the gym or swimming pool 3 times a week has caused my dh to request we go to councilling after nagging me weekly for 2 years.

He cannot understand I am not taking care of myself. He says he doesn't understand how it is possible to not love myself and life enough to exercise so that I ensure a long and healthy life for our family.

He imagines us being 50 and trekking in the alps, but at the rate I am going, I will not be fit for anything when I reach that age, and he fear I will have a stroke or a heart attack and instead of having a happy and healthy life, I turn him into my carer.

I dont know what to think.

Is my outlook really that bad?

I feel that if I now start exercising I am giving into his nagging. If I dont, he will be upset. But really, should I just bite the bullet and join the gym???

Good idea about a walking thread.

My dh's exercise regime.... He cycles around the perimeter of Richmond park daily (9 1/2 miles), he has it down to a 34 min ride once he is inside the park. 3 evenings a week he cycles to the gym where he does 30 minutes running on the threadmill. He may add a 4th evening where he does weights. Sometimes, he does 1 1/2 - 2 hours on our exercise bike in the living room while catching a movie.

I get pain in my pubic bone from that bike...We are planning on buying a cross trainer once we go to Norway

And when he is at the gym, I assume you are minding the children, feeding them, getting them to bed, no?

He needs to do the same if you chose an activity that involves evenings - and it doesn't necessarily have to be the gym.

Scaring and nagging people doesn't work.

I know, I lost a first cousin to heart attack when she was 39. She left behind a 2-year-old daughter and was about 50lbs. overweight.

This has to be for you and what you enjoy and again, it's about feeling fit and well, not weight. In fact, muscle weighs more than fat, so a very muscular person would actually be considered overweight if they went just by weight charts.

It's about knowing your body can do what you ask, within reason, because you are fit and strong, that is a good feeling!

And it sounds like you enjoy walking! Great.

It's fabulous exercise! I'm a hillwalker, but that's just walking with a peak involved.

'The journey of 10,000 miles begins with a single step.'

Well, you see, when I lived in Norway I was an outdoorsy type, give me a mountain, I would be up it. Our holidays prior to kids used to be trekking in Scotland. We spent one summer in Cornwall learning windsurfing and sailing. I used to be very fit. I did Karate when I was younger, too.

It is just the last couple of years, actually the last 7 years, as I started going downhill in the job I had prior to my first pregnancy, as the hours were really long.

ahem, you seem to be ignoring the bit about him being out 3 or 4 times a week while you put the kids to bed etc. are you supposed to fit your exercise plans around his, is that the pecking order? and if so, when do you get to spend time together as a couple? am alternating between giggling and feeling glum for you about the exercise bike/movie thing...

Quint, Hippi... walkers' thread over here.

well ignoring the rights and wrongs.....actually taking up exercise and lsoing weight can be brilliant

and you could end up mgoing up mountains at 50 at least you will give yourself a sporting chance

so consider it

He's worried about you but if he wants things to change then he has to do his bit with the kids too doesn't he?

And TBH if he thinks that you can go from struggling up the stairs to doing hard cardio 3x a week he needs his bumps feeling. I agree that you need to find something (or lots of different things) that you enjoy doing otherwise you just won't stick it.

I agree with Franny and Aitch and Colditz - yes your DH has a good point that you could do with a healthier lifestyle BUT he's being a bit of a controlling nob saying that only x amount of cardio sessions are satisfactory.

He sounds like a complete arse, actually. I think there's something more going on here than him being 'caring and concerned' about your health - he's basically bullying you and undermining you. Is he supercritical about other aspects of your life? Has he always been like this? He tells you to do things, but whatever steps you take to do them, he says are wrong. That's not caring behaviour. Also, a size 16/18 is not that unheathily overweight - I am a size 16 and despite having one dodgy knee can run upstairs or across the park after DS and go morris dancing once a week without heart palpitations. I do think you need to see your doctor because there may be something that needs fixing or at least checking that won't necessarily be put right by you taking up kickboxing (though kickboxing your DH might be helpful..).

I do think your DH is correct to draw a distinction between being both fit and healthy and simply exercising within your comfort zone. That's not to say that you should immediately take up his idea of 3 x cardio a week. It is to say that a trip to the docs to check what you are capable of at the moment is a good idea. I would imagine that if they're at all half decent they'd be very supportive. That way you could combine the exercise that you feel like doing (yoga etc) with something which will raise your heart level enough to start you getting fitter (that might be walking or it might be something more energetic). After seeing the doc, a one off discussion with a personal trainer may be able to plan you something suitable. He definitely does need to support you practically in the evening to achieve it though.

I'm with madamez here.

It's about being fit and healthy.

And any hillwalker or climber still alive and worth his salt knows it's not about the mountain.

It's about the trail, or lack thereof.

It's about the weather, it's about the company you're with.

You hike because you love it, and you share it with those who love it.

Some can go faster than others. But you are a team, these are your friends.

So you moderate your pace, you wait up for your friends if you have to.

You turn around when your buddy is having just too bad a day. The mountain will always be there, your buddy may not.

People change over time. Things change. That's how it is.

So you adjust, as you are their friend, their companion and they'd do the same for you.

It's not about weight, control or going fast or not making it.

If it is, something is WAY OFF.

OK, firstly I was exactly your weight and size in September, I am also 5ft 9" and you are overweight, but not obese, so fear not.

At the beginning of last year I couldn't have run to the end of my drive (hardly a sweeping Country pile affair either!) and I am not at all sporty. I felt unfit and worried as I have two boys so I joined the gym, found after a while I liked running on a treadmill, then started running around my local resevoir (about 2.5km) then did a sponsored 5km run, and am next doing a 10km in May. I also go spinning/body pump and do a Davina McCall exercise video.

I do this because I enjoy it, I feel great afterwards, it is keeping off the 2 stone I lost since September and it is what will fit into my life mostly because no-one makes me feel I have to do it.

Your DH cares about you but he is being unfair with his expectations of what exercise you want to do and when. You have to find what works for you, but I really think a bit of flexibility is needed on his part.

at complete lack of punctuation.

Really though I do agree with Expat, you have to find what you want to do. Because you won't stick to anything if it's forced and not your choice.

Forget gym etc. Walk (more?) and get a bike. Not rocket science. Look after your heart & lungs and the rest will follow. It's not just about health, and looks, well whatever - but it will make you feel great/energised/sexier/younger and you owe it to yourself.

i felt better in myself just going round the park three times a week with my dd and swimming. your dh is being unreasonable, and quite bullying. do what exercise you can, you will always feel better for it, but by no means force yourself into an impossible schedule that you won't keep up with, because you'll feel even worse when you inevitably 'fail' at it

I'll also second the walking. It's addictive, and wonderful. It's much better than cycling for weight-loss and well-being. Cycling just gives you a sore arse.

I don't drive, and since ds was born, I've made choices about how I earn my money so that it fits in with with being a SAHM. This involves cleaning other people's gaffs. Before ds was born, I was a size 12. Now, I'm a size 8. It isn't about going to the gym, or going on a diet. It's about trying to bond with an era just passed ... an age when you didn't hop into the car to buy a loaf of bread, but you walked there, and you walked back again, come rain or shine.

And like Forrest Gump, once you start, you'll never want to stop.

Don't do this for your dh. He sounds a little addicted, tbh. Do it for you. But when it comes to exercise, the gentler arts work the best. Walking and yoga will see you through this.

Don't be tempted to run. The average northern European human body is not designed to run for the fun of it. It's designed to run as a means of escaping danger, with the requisite adrenaline pumping through your body. You will put too much strain on your joints.

Ahhh, good luck, lovely girl! I know you want to do this. It's just a shame that dh appears to be forcing your hand.

I have only read the first page so if I have missed something important my apologies.
You really need to go to the Doc's. I am size 22 and 9 stone overweight, and I think a lot older than you (aged 44). BUT I don't have trouble running up and down the stairs, the only time I get muscle aches is when I have done 4 hours of heavy gardening or walking more than 3 miles (the knees give it what for then).
Your DH is being a bit of a bully but you sound scared of exercise, find something that you enjoy doing, I am thinking of joining my local bellydancing class, but its a toss up between the money for a slimming club or bellydancing once a week.

Oh I would love belly dancing! I even have the costume!

My dh is doing his exercise in his lunch hour, and he goes to the gym after the kids have gone to bed, usually leaving home around 9.30. This means that his exercise regime is not in the way of family time, or time with the kids.

He is putting the kids to sleep most nights. I take them up to get them ready for bed, then he takes over and read story, and stay with them till they are asleep. (Dont ask, we have some sleep issues with our youngest)

He also finnishes work early (he works from a garden office) every day to eat with us. Then he is with the kids for an hour or so while I clean the kitchen, before he returns to work for a bit until it is time for the kids to sleep. The he will work till around 2-3 am after returning from the gym. He will have a break so we can watch a film, or Top Gear together before I go to bed.

To make up for coming home early for dinner and putting the kids to bed, he has to put in a few hours of work before bedtime, so he usually does not get up until he has to, around 9 am when the phones starts ringing.

He does not actually compromise on time with his kids....

I had a long talk with him yesterday, bringing in points all you lovely ladies have made.

I told him that I cannot start on 3 cardio sessions a week. If I shall have a chance of succeeding I need to do what I want to do, not what he wants me to do. I want to do something that I can stick with. Even if he is not inconveniencing me and have me look after kids while he exercise, I need him to do that for me because I am currently not fit enough to exercise late in teh evening, I need to build up my stamina and get the invigorating benefits of exercise first.
I will now go for my walk. I have agreed with my au pair to come with her on wednesdays to body pump and yoga, and dh will put the kids to bed, and he agrees. So lets see how this go!

Oh, and you all make my heart go bumpety bump with happiness at all these lovely replies!

Wow - you go girl! It'll be the best thing you ever did (well post children anyway )

Oh, brilliant, QS. You've inspired me to get out and go for a walk today!

qs, i think that's great progress but i think counselling might be an idea. your dh's approach to this has been suspiciously controlling imho. it seems to me much emotional abuse is cloaked by pseudo concern.

there really is something quite creepy some fitness fanatics....

QuintessentialShadow, you are lovely.. we all love you on here (haven't you notcied?!).. and your DH obviously feels the same (or more so obviously! .. so bite the bullet and do what needs to be done because, as those annoying women say, you are worth it...

Make a GP appointment, get checked out.. get advice on how to start gently getting fit (ask about "execise on prescription" to get you started).. ask to see the surgery's dietician for basic advice (you will already know it, but it helps to be told and have it in front of you on a piece of paper)

And could you join Slimming World/Weight watcher? And stay to the meetings.. the support and solidarity from the other people is great as long as you stay for the meetings..

Get yourself a gentle exercise dvd and do it at home, to ease youself back into exercise.

DH will see you making an effort (tell him you're doing it for him, the kids, but mostly for YOU! But that you're doing it at your own pace) and be proud of you. He must be so worried. I know how he feels. I have watched my DH - who I adore - getting fatter and more unfit for years as he succumbed to the symptoms of his arthritis and coupled with his family history of heart disease I really feared for the future. The we joined the gym together, last summer even though we REALLY can't afford it from a financial point of view, but we decided we couldn't afford NOT to for reasons more important than money. And it was something for US (which we sometimes do together and sometimes not) that wasn't for or about the kids for once. We both have programmes tailored to our own levels and his is supervised carefully due to his disability. Nobody stares.. there are people there from 8 - 80 I kid you not! He feels so much better for it and didn't have a flare up for MONTHS!! He has even started making plans to go back to work one day(hasn't been able to work for 10 years due to chronic/severe pain) and is starting a small college course next month.

If the gym you went to is a poncey one, can you find another? Sometimes there are hidden in places you weren't aware of!

You can do this.

Go on, don't be scared and health problems, IF present, have to be faced, so they can be dealt with. And you CAN improve your weight (you're not huge!), fitness and general wellbeing.. You CAN do it! Promise.

oh brilliant...you will be so pleased

i started a diet and exercise and got an exercise prescription from my gp and lost over 4 stone in a year..i went from size 20 to size 10/12 and walked up mt sinai overnight in spetmeber and i am 50

Desi you are such an inspiration! Some of my fave Mers are on this thread.. [arse lick emoticon and SlUUUURRRRRRP }

I love walking but it's the time! I need a time machine! I tend to jump on the car and drive round the corner to my dad's nursing home.. or to Tesco

I have always blamed DS2 for the weight gain I have experienced in recent years.. but actually, I think it started waaay before that when I passed my driving test! [epiphany moment]

I want to get a dog. That will help me walk if we DO get one.

i'm definitely with colditz and expat on this. whatever qs needs to do - her dh's behaviour has amounted to bullying. imho. very suprised that people are blind this - but then there's a lot of body fascism out there...