My lack of exercise and my refusal to care for my health has caused my DH to request that we go for Councilling

[QuintessentialShadow]

Ok,
I dont exercise, I am size 16 (borderline 18) and overweight. I sometimes treat myself to cake and ice cream, but usually eat quite healthily.

My posture is changing, it is an effort to get up from when I am sitting, I pant on the starecase, my knees hurt, as do my back and pelvis (had bad spd).

My lack of willingnes to do something about this, like go to the gym or swimming pool 3 times a week has caused my dh to request we go to councilling after nagging me weekly for 2 years.

He cannot understand I am not taking care of myself. He says he doesn't understand how it is possible to not love myself and life enough to exercise so that I ensure a long and healthy life for our family.

He imagines us being 50 and trekking in the alps, but at the rate I am going, I will not be fit for anything when I reach that age, and he fear I will have a stroke or a heart attack and instead of having a happy and healthy life, I turn him into my carer.

I dont know what to think.

Is my outlook really that bad?

I feel that if I now start exercising I am giving into his nagging. If I dont, he will be upset. But really, should I just bite the bullet and join the gym???

Yes, tell dh to put the children to bed. That would help !

I take the wonderful caring part back after your last post quint - sorry.

Why does he know best about exercise? You can only achieve through exercise if you enjoy it and you do not need to do exactly what he says re 3 x gym etc. I hate the gym with a passion.

maybe the counselling is a good idea, if only to show him that he needs to support you in this (not control you) by taking care of the children etc

I too am apathetic about exercise/gym. We have to break this cycle.

Just read your last post, and now begin to think your dh is being a bit unreasonable...

You should do the exercise you want to do, with his blessing. It is not up to him to tell you what you should be doing. Also, his refusal to sort the dc whilst you exercise is plain wrong.

So by all means, go to counselling with him, and tell the counsellor this. She will laugh him out of his/her office! He can't have it all his way!

Your dh doesn't know wht he's talking abut by the sound of it - you can't go from nothing to 3x a week full on exercise just like that.

Do you like swimming?

at your DH.

He is being mighty unreasonable.

So, how are you meant to do your 3 hard cardio sessions a week then? Is he going to hire you an evening nanny perhaps?

You haven't said much about your situation. Do you work and how old are your children? Can you get out in the day, or is it really restricted to evenings?

You've probably answered all these questions in the time I've taken to type this!

Hippopotami, well done you! That sounds brilliant.

My dh is scared because he too used to be very unfit, and had a horrid health scare he is struggling to get over. Conceiving DS2 put him in hospital with a suspected brain haemorrhage.

Also, he has seen my dad go from a very fit and active man to a paralyzed stroke patient in a wheelchair.

I would love to cycle in the winter, but I have chronic sinusitis, and experience have taught me if I go cycling in cold winds, my sinuses start aching already the same evening and I am on antibiotics three days later.

I know I would exercise for me, for my benefit and for our benefit as a family, it is so hard to get started when the suggestions I have that I know I can stick with is turned down as "not good enough" or "but thats so little it is hardly a point"!

Maybe we do need councilling. I just want to be able to exercise without him judging me.

Just to echo what others have said - he does need to be realistic about how much you can actually do, from a sensible exercise perspective and from a childcare perspective. I think his underlying point, that your weight is causing you physical difficulties, is still a very valid one though.

You sound like you have a great DH who obv cares about you and your health.

You need to tell him that you cannot cope with fitness and coming back to dealing with the kids and that the tradeoff is, you will exercise and he has to put kids to bed.

At size 16-18 (and I am not meaning to be rude!) you are probably obese by GOVERNMENT health standards. If you are out of breath running up stairs and your joints are aching then surely you want some help with dealing with this.

Dont join a gym. Cycle and walk and dont eat carbs in the evening would help.

You really need to have a sit down and chat to DH about it all.

I work part time from home.
My oldest is 5 1/2 and my youngest 2 1/2. The oldest goes to school, the youngest goes to preschool from 9.15 to 12.15 every day.
I work 3 days till 3 pm, and two days till 12, when I pick up ds2 and spend the afternoon with him.
I have an aupair, who takes the youngest after preschool till 3pm when I pick up the oldest from school. Everything house related happens from 3 pm, cook the kids tea, home work, sort the house out, laundry, etc.

This schedule fits me well as I manage to do my job, get some time with ds2 when he is still quite small, and manage the house.

DH thinks I should be able to exercise in the daytime when I should be working. But i find it hard to stop work, exercise and return to work, because my days are already quite short.

Just doing 30 mins of cardio in the morning ( eg a brisk walk so it would be hard to have a conversation at the same time - we're not talking Paula Radcliffe , even cleaning can help) before you eat breakfast will make the world of difference I promise.

My childrens school and preschool is at a lovely riverside location, and I was suggesting I could combine exercise with morning drop off, I could easily do a 45 minute brisk walk before returning home to work. But again, it is not good enough. I think any exercise is better than nothing.

Maybe I should just not listen to him, and do this anyway, becuase I want to. Surely a 45 minute walk 3 times per week has some health benefits?

well you can't work AND exercise, he's an idiot there I'm afraid

Why doesn't he put the kids to bed? You could exercise during that time after dinner and while he is bathing and bedding. What is he doing in the evenings?

Sorry to hear this Quint . It seems to me though that until you start doing anything you can't really challenge your dh's views. Once you've started doing something you enjoy you will be able to demonstrate to him that you are more active - and take it from there.

If you have an au pair, is there any way that she/he (or even your dh) can do the morning routine which would give you time to go for a walk/cycle/swim/to the gym, or whatever you decide? You only need to do 30 minutes of exercise each day - regardless of what your dh might think - but importantly you would also be gaining 30 minutes a day to yourself which might also make you feel better.

Good luck!

DEFINATELY go to couples counceling (RELATE). This is not about the exercise, this is about you not doing what he feels you need to do, and him being unbearable and not listening.

I'm not surprised to are digging your heels in. If someone was nagging me as relentlessly as this, I would be spreading lard on my toast by now, just to spite him.

The councilor won't just say "Get thee to the gym, Lazy Heifer" - she will listen to him, and she will listen to you, than she will make you listen to each other.

It's not his fear of illness that is the problem here, it's his lack of willingness to compromise - it's very controlling behavior to insist that your wife must do 3 sessions of cardio a week or "It's just not good enough"

yes, you are unfit - I suspect you know this, but it's actually your right to be fit or unfit as you choose, and your right to choose your method of exercise.

Yes Quint - it will make a huge difference, as I said if you can walk fast enough that you would need to catch your breath to talk (no faster) it means you have raised your heart rate to an adequate level to burn calories.

If you can manage this before you eat anything then it will speed your metabolic rate up.

Then try a healthy eating plan (not a diet), I can help you with that if you want.

You should do this for you - especially if you want to, in my opinion he is being a complete arse about this.

QS, do what YOU want to do. I like the idea of combining exercise with dropping the dc at school/preschool. That is how I do my 3 powerwalks a week. Walk the dc to school at their pace, then take the long way home, along the canal towpath at a faster pace. Then reward myself with a coffee and a bowl of porridge. Heaven
It sets me up for the rest of the day, I feel happier, more motivated and more energetic than on those days where I am unable to have my walk.

I think your dh has some 'issues' and whilst this is understandable given his health and your father's health, he [dh] is not helping you by behaving like this. Surely he knows that all exercise should be gradually increased, and that a brisk walk is a very very good idea?

He makes me on your behalf.

And I'll go against the flow here, and say he doesn't sound great and caring to me, he sounds like a perfectionist control freak who can't bear the thought of looking after someone.

Oh Wisteria - I do my walks before my breakfast and was not sure that was right. Am glad to hear that it is okay

As an aside, my middle bro is a very successful personal trainer and this is what he would suggest you do - he has fantastic results, especially with us 'women of a certain age'.

If you did more 'gym' work you would lose weight more quickly but that 3 x a week seems a fine place to start and, combined with an adequate eating regime you will lose weight safely and steadily - it generally stays off as well when you do that.

I disagree Colditz.

I think he is telling her to buck her ideas up because he doesnt want her old and fat and stuck in a wheelchair because she couldnt be bothered to get fitter when she was able.

Although the walking is good, she does need some cardiovascular workouts to help her lose some weight.

Obviously there are more issues in that he is not helping with the children when he could.

I started to type out a post about how caring he sounds and then actually read the whole thread.

Is he a qualified exercise professional? The sort of thing he is suggesting sounds like it is more likely to cause you harm, given your pain in your back and knees. Is there anyway you could go and see a personal trainer - even if just for one session at a gym - and see what they recommend? I would have thought that yoga and pilates etc would provide you with more benefit than "hard cardiovascular" exercise.

I agree that counselling may be a good idea, he doesn't seem to allow you to make your own decisions in this regard. And what with the big move coming up, I guess you want to get this sorted out.

Well now, young lady.

It's like this. I just don't see you as an overweight/unfit lady. That isn't how you are. OK, I know that sounds bizarre, but it isn't how I imagine you at all.

Over many months of reading your posts, I have hard you refer to yourself as once very pretty, now a 'faded beauty', etc., etc. I know that you eat pretty well, that you don't smoke, and that you love your kids with a passion.

Unfortunately, however, we are often genetically programmed to follow our parents' footsteps. So, if your dad was stroke-bound and incapacitated, your dh has a right to be concerned ... and for a number of reasons, not least of which because he undoubtedly loves you.

Where I disagree with him is that you should do cardio-vascular exercise. The time will come for that, but it isn't now. If you're carrying excess weight, you need to start with something like Yoga. In fact, ^exactly' like Yoga.

You can do this from home. You don't need to spend money on classes, and all the hassle it entails. Just get yourself a mat, and buy the definitive Yoga book which is by B K S Iyengar. It's called 'A Light on Yoga.'

You will imagine that all the postures and poses are impossible, but they're not. Slowly build up your strength, slowly build up your muscles, and slowly reduce the fat. You will feel better physically and emotionally. I promise you that.

Having read all this I think your dh is actually being a bit unreasonable. Good on him for caring about your health, but it seems a bit daft of him to then reject your suggestions for how to do something about it.
I think your proposals (15:32 post) sound fine, especially as you have 2 small DCs and work too (it's way more than I do, I have to admit...). You have to start somewhere and maybe will find that you can/want to do more intense exercise once you have got into this new routine.
And he cannot possibly expect you to do all this if he is not going to do his part and look after the DCs whilst you are exercising. Of course you can't do it in work time!
So actually maybe counselling would help you to get an agreed plan you are both happy with.

Not good enough??!! Hang on..... there's some stuff to untangle here. I'm speaking as one who lost 2.5 stone a few years back and discovered yesterday, when I finally plucked up the courage to step on the scales, that I have re-gained ALL of it, bar 5lbs! Shit!
First, you, and only you, can lose weight and exercise when you want to, FOR YOURSELF. My DH has been supportive of all my half-hearted, quickly-abandoned recent attempts to lose weight but yesterday finally resorted to the "stop moaning, get on the bloody scales and do something about this once and for all" approach. Any exercise you do has to be something that YOU enjoy, otherwise you won't keep it up - if you're anything like me, that is. Start gently..... brisk 10 minute walk out the front door, turn round and come back again 3X a week. I point blank refuse to be seen down at the gym at the moment, but I don't mind prancing around the sitting room in a baggy T-shirt with Rosemary Conley and her exercise tape. If someone told me I "had" to do 3 bouts of intensive cardio each week I'd reach straight for the doughnuts in rebellion. And what's counselling all about? How's that going to help? I hope he isn't implying that if you won't do this (for him?) your marriage is in trouble?