My lack of exercise and my refusal to care for my health has caused my DH to request that we go for Councilling

[QuintessentialShadow]

Ok,
I dont exercise, I am size 16 (borderline 18) and overweight. I sometimes treat myself to cake and ice cream, but usually eat quite healthily.

My posture is changing, it is an effort to get up from when I am sitting, I pant on the starecase, my knees hurt, as do my back and pelvis (had bad spd).

My lack of willingnes to do something about this, like go to the gym or swimming pool 3 times a week has caused my dh to request we go to councilling after nagging me weekly for 2 years.

He cannot understand I am not taking care of myself. He says he doesn't understand how it is possible to not love myself and life enough to exercise so that I ensure a long and healthy life for our family.

He imagines us being 50 and trekking in the alps, but at the rate I am going, I will not be fit for anything when I reach that age, and he fear I will have a stroke or a heart attack and instead of having a happy and healthy life, I turn him into my carer.

I dont know what to think.

Is my outlook really that bad?

I feel that if I now start exercising I am giving into his nagging. If I dont, he will be upset. But really, should I just bite the bullet and join the gym???

He is bullying you which is an ineffective way of helping someone and being a lazy arse himself - leaving little childen up 3 hours past bedtime is mad.
Just do it - I find my ipod really helps me to keep walking fast and this will really help you get started.I do it on the preschool run too. I think it might be dangerous to launch into high impact so soon. What time does he get in from work? I have been known to greet my husband with 'teas in the oven - I'll be back in an hour to help with bedtime'.
If you go out in a tracksuit how's he to know you're running or walking. I'm trying to build up to running by 5 mins jog/5 mins walk for 30 minutes.
Feeling that heart thing sounds a bit odd - surely a trip to the doctor is in order? It could be nothing and knowledge is power.
There's a lot going on here - I hope it gets better.

I would definitely go to counselling!

But to find out why he feels the need to dictate how you should control your body and weight AND why he feels the need to nag you about this, but at the same time refuses to care for his children so that you'll have time to look after your health.

Any man who tried to dictate the terms of what I do with my body physically would definitely be seeing a counsellor with me.

Or a lawyer.

You are right, some exercise, any exercise is better than none at all.

And it needs to be something you enjoy doing.

Don't lose weight for him then. Do it for yourself.

A size 16-18 is probably obese despite what others have said. You freely admit that your knees, back etc ache...

You can make it better by losing weight, so try to do it.

Sounds to me like your dh is trying to be encouraging but is going the wrong way about it.

Also agree that you sound like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Colditz... you would really spread lard on your toast just to spite someone? Nice.

and just as an aside.

While I think that you should look after your health for yourself, keeping fit isn't going to guarentee a fit an happy middle age.

Dh was always fit, not over weight, exercised regularly, didn't smoke and didn't drink alcohol. He has got terminal cancer.

You can't say for sure what life is going to deal you.

He should keep that in mind

Agree MB. That's 100% true.

It's no different from someone nagging someone to stop smoking.

It's just going to stress them out and make them smoke more.

A person has to want to quit/lose weight/etc. for themselves.

But the OP has come up with some very good suggestions for fitting some exercise into her busy schedule and he's still being a jerk about it and refusing to put the kids to bed whilst she exercises.

Believe it or not, you don't need three, 30+ minute cardio sessions or more to lose weight.

That's a myth and an old one at that.

Breaking up smaller segments of cardio is just as effective.

Similarly, strength training is just as valuable a tool. As muscle supports the joints and burns more fat.

How tall are you, Quintessential? Because 16-18 might be obese in someone 5ft2, but OK-ish if you're 5'8. (do heels count ?) Think Weightwatchers 'allows' 5lbs per inch of height. But that's irrelevant, really. It sseems like you acknowledge something needs to be done, but that DH is possibly getting a bit carried away in how to help (or not, if the DC care is anything to go by).

Yes I would. I would put it in the bin once out of sight, but yes, I would spread lard on my toast in front of someone who was trying to control my weight and fitness to the point that they are trying to draw up an exercise plan having been repeatedly asked to drop the subject and leave me alone.

Weekly nagging for 2 years? This says a lot more about his personality than it does about her 'health deficiencies'.

It doesn't matter how unfit or overweight she is, every time she tries to do something about it, it's not good enough for him, so why should she be trying to please him?

Definatly go to counciling QS, and drag him with you - he may get an unpleasant surprise when the councilor turns it round on him.

personal trainer is a good idea if you can afford it as it helps you to stay motivated (if you're in Warks I can recommend my bro).

3 x 45 mins brisk walk is a fantastic starting point. Prove your DH wrong.

Dance around the living room with DCs.

ANYTHING which increases your heart rate is GOOD.

Thank you for so many thoughtful replies.

MB, yes, you are right at this rate I am scared I will get ill if I start with something too rigourous.

He has reason to be scared of caring. He has seen his parents care for their severly disabled daughter (now 20), and he sees how my mum struggle with my dad, and how being somebody's full time carer is changing your life completely. It takes over, it drains you, when the person you love need help even getting dressed in the morning and cant do anything for him/herself.

Thanks Desi, for not seeing me as a fat slob.

I am 5"9. and 86 kg.

I SHALL start my walking regime.

QS, I think your walking plan is great, but maybe a way to deal with the conflict is to talk it over with your GP (who I suspect will suggest exactly that, rather than 3 sessions of hard CV!). Then you can go back to him with medical validation of your plan, and tell him that you will regularly reassess where you are, and what's appropriate for that stage. Good luck - the riverside walk sounds lovely. Have you got an MP3 player/portable radio?

PS If funds allow, treat yourself to some new trainers/shoes which will be really comfortable and supportive for walking - they'll be a reminder to do it, and will make the walk more pleasant.

5 foot 9, you lucky bizzum. have you thought of joining us lardy gits on the running thread?

it's only half an hour three times a week, i've done my first week now and am really quite getting into it. plus it's HALF AN HOUR and starts from the minute you set foot out of the door. (oh, and in the first few weeks you build up, only bursts of running for 60secs then brisk walking). i also get that pop in my heart, i have heart trouble, prone to arrythmia etc, and it is frankly petrifying doinig aerobics etc cos i think my heart will burst out of my ribcage. but i've been very surprised by the running, it's not happened. possibly because it's not a class so i feel more in control, who knows?

and well bloody done, hippopotami, you'll have to change your name to gazelle soon enough.

Message withdrawn

Quint, why are you not seeing that exercise is an investment in the most important thing you have, your health?

You certainly do not sound fat, I am 5 ft 9" also, and was a 16/18 for a long time. I am now a 14 as I go to exercise classes at the gym, taught by a lovely girl who is no slimcea herself!

I guarantee you will got get ill if you start with gentle walking, maybe holding light hand weights. you will get the bug and wonder why you didn't start much sooner.

And you should be doing it for yourself, not your dh, no matter how sincere his intentions. Good luck with it.

(PS quint, whatever his motivation/issue i do think that your dh sounds like he's being a bit of a control freak about this. that's not going to gee you up, is it?)

QS, just keep trying stuff till you find something you really enjoy.

And if that something it walking, it's entirely possible to become extremely fit with that, especially when you mix it up with strength training or Pilates or yoga or the like.

But it's well worth it to try and dabble in just about everything.

I've been athletic nearly all my life, despite some serious injuries, but you'll find even when you find something that you enjoy, this changes over time. That's what's so cool about exercise!

And quit thinking in terms of 'fat' and 'thin'.

Think in terms of being fit and feeling like your body is performing well for you and you for it.

Oh, yes, second that, expat. It's about feeling well and full of energy, not who you compare to on the dress size front.

I would definitely go to counselling, no matter what you decide to do about your health

btw the health problems you describe do need sorting out urgently IMO so I can see why he is nagging you - even if his method is self-defeating and controlling and all that, the bottom line is that you admit yourself you are not doing any exercise, and he is scared for your health

but this whole thing could do with someone neutral to help you sort it out. I think you should absolutely get the counselling

I think maybe your dh is being unrealistic expecting you to go from no exercise to 3x a week straight away.

However if you find getting up a struggle, out of breath on stairs, etc then for your sake please do something. I'm not the slimmest person in the world (size14/16), but I don't struggle getting up, etc.

This time last year I wasn't exercising regulay, but was still fit enough to be able to go out on the bike or hill walking every now and then. Then I signed up to do a Race for Life last May and really enjoyed it - I could only run for 1min to start with. Less that 12 months later I can run for over an hour. Don't see it as giving it - do it for yourself and your kids.

Hi Quint... I feel very much like you do about exercise. I'm a big 14 (i.e. 14 in 'generous' shops, 16 in 'miserly' ones ), but I feel sort of flobby. I know that I now tire much more easily than I did 10 years ago, and I don't really go much exercise. I have joined gyms in the past, but don't manage to go often enough to make it worthwhile. I have two dds of 5 and 7 and a dh who works shifts, so often isn't there in the evening or at weekends (so I can't even go when they are in bed). I also work full-time in a very demanding (mentally - sadly not physically) job, which also has me sitting at the computer a lot in the evenings. I am aware that my concern with how I look is very low on my list of priorities. Sometimes I wear make-up, but sometimes I can't be arsed; sometimes I think about what I'm wearing, but sometimes I just pull on whatever's clean... And I hate exercise (except walking/riding). Can't catch a ball, can't run, can't do team sports, can't even dance - the only things I'm good at involve sitting on my bum!

Anyway, I have decided that I am going to do something about this. I have started trying to walk every evening that I can (when dh is around) and when I can't we've got a rowing machine in the garage which I go on. I loathe and detest the rowing machine. But I can go on it when I'm home alone with the kids, and I figure that even 10 minutes (which is sometimes all I can take before I start to go crazy with boredom) is better than nothing. Like hippipotami, I've been inspired by a friend's amazing strength and good-humour through a diagnosis of breast cancer last year to do the moonwalk (only I'm doing the full marathon ... OMG... what have I done?????). I am hoping that by June I'll be a bit lighter (though that's not my principal aim) and a whole lot fitter and healthier.... Good luck in starting to get yourself moving. I'll be thinking of you.

How about if we start a walkers' thread? Hippi... do you want to join in and share your training regime? (Which moonwalk are you doing, btw? I'm doing Edinburgh.) I've been riding today, but am going to try to walk for 20 mins once I get the dds to bed too. Watch this space....

What excersise does your d/p do? Having read two of the three pages here I cant find any mention of his excersise regime?

Thanks Aitch

I will change my name to Gazelle once I have shed the 5 stone, done the powerwalk, and joined you lot on the runners thread.

QS - well done on your decision to start the walking, you will love it