Does anyone here have a debilitating phobia?

[Lonelymum]

I almost wanted to change my name for this, but thought hell no-one really knows me anyway and I don't like the thought of covering up more than I am doing anyway. It is very hard for me to write this though (I am shaking and my hands have gone clammy so bear with me if this doesn't seem to make much sense).
I have had a phobia pretty much all my life. I don't want to say what it is as I am not sure how accepting many of you would be of the idea. Suffice to say, it lives with me constantly, has become worse lately, and really affects the way I live my life. One of the consequences of it is that I find it very difficult being alone with the children at night which is why I freak out whenever dh goes away (a lot at the moment.)
Then last week, browsing on the internet, I discovered my phobia has a name (never knew that) and is apparently quite common though not often spoken of. Surprisingly this made me feel a bit better and has given me the strength to talk about it now here. However, it has also upset me in a way I can't describe. Also, I read that this phobia can be cured but the only people offering cures on the web have been American. I wondered if anyone had had a phobia and had had it cured by medical/psychiatric means here in the UK and feels prepared to talk about it. My phobia is apparently not curable through aversion therapy.
Shaking sooo much now. Have to stop. Can anyone offer any support?

Well done! So she didn't really understand the nature of your phobia, but that's not important is it? She referred you, which is all that matters,. I'm sure the comment about the therapist 'getting on' with you was a compliment, pure and simple. As was the comment about your weight, I'm sure.. She wasn't to know how you feel about it - I would be delighted to be called thin after I have this baby (which is't very likely tbh!).
Also, depending on the nature of the therapy you may well not have to 'dig deep' into your past or feelings at all. The CBT therapist my friend is seeing for emetophobia told her, "My view is that you are at the bottom of a dark pit. I'm not interested in why or how you fell in there, my job is to help you get out'.

hope you get some joy out of your GP mum2jay. if you can afford to go private, then it is possible to self-refer to an appropriate psychologist, rather than have your GP do it for you.

LM - well at least you and the psychologist will have in common a sensitivity to the way phobias can screw up your day to day life (unlike your GP!) probably not what she meant tho. always annoying when people make these cryptic comments without explanation - could mean anything from - were you two separate at birth to this person is so stunningly lovely that anyone would get on with her to rhubarb rhubarb just trying to think of a conversation filler.

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agree with aloha that the focus of CBT isn't they why's and wherefores and origins of how everything happened, but looking at how you deal with things in the here and now. i imagine you would spend time in your first session going over present symptoms/past experience, so that the therapist knows where you are coming from, but that will probably be that as far as your childhood etc goes.

Lonelymum-well done.2-3 months isn't too bad a waiting list.Do you feel more positive about beating the phobia now you have taken the biggest step?

I can identify with the fear of throwing up during labour-it was worse than the pain & I didn't have pethedine for that reason.Can also identify with the soup thing.I haven't eaten tomato soup since 1985 because it made me ill.

Well done LM. I hope the referral will be quick and I'd imagine that if the psychologist you see understands how this affects you then if her approach isn't the one for you she should be able to direct you to one that is?

Hmmm ... I think I said in my absurdly long post on this thread that CBT didn't work for me because it was aimed at getting me out of the dark pit without finding out what I was doing down there. I know it works for lots of people but I truly found that 'dredging up my past' in a very controlled and particular way was more helpful. I'm just saying this because both methods are an option. On this thread, for instance, we're often mentioning things from the past and are all interested in working out how / why / when this phobia started because it feels as though knowing what's at the route of our fears must help us in the process of overcoming them?

In terms of where my emetophobia came from I'm convinced it has something to do with shame and control. I'm not afraid so much of other people being sick as most people here seem to be, but of myself being sick. I think I would be shamed beyond belief if someone saw me vomit and also the unpredictability that I might shame myself in that way leaves me trembling at the thought of having food in my stomach. As a child there were a lot of problems in my family and a lot of secrets and traumas from the past (Jewish, most of father's family including first wife and child killed in WW2 Germany) which meant I got used to keeping quiet and afraid of things blurting out.

Oh gawd, even after 2 years CBT followed by 4 years psychotherapy I'm still bloody useless at putting it into words ...

I'm trying mentally to work how I might apply my 'theorising' in reverse to those who are afraid of others being sick. So, if I am afraid of myself becoming unpredictable and disgusting, is that what you are afraid others will do? Or is it more a purely physical, 'gut reaction' if you like, response?

It's terrifying and fascinating to hear all your stories.

In terms of cutting out 'sick' foods, well I've only ever lived on about 2 or 3 'safe' foods at once over the years, which change from time to time. At the moment it's crisps and cheese. It's pathetic. I'm almost 40. I have a PhD and I'm a mother. And I eat like the worst fussy toddler that people on mumsnet complain about.

I'm really sorry, having a bad day.

And finally, the truth is that part of the reason I'm having a bad day is because a woman 3 offices down from mine has been off all week with gastric flu and I know I stood and talked to her at the end of last week.

How sad is that?

Prefernot, I can empathise with the fussy toddler eating, I believe I'm worse than my 3 year old! I go from diet to diet (not to lose weight) and hear one negative comment about it and change to another one. I am a vegetarian, I don't eat eggs and I don't like milk I hate people asking about what I eat as I'm ashamed to say how fussy I'am. I live - at the moment - off all things bad, but that I'm sure could not have been contamninated in any way, I won't eat anything on the day that the 'eat by' date is due in fear of food poisoning and I have taken meals away from my partner and DS if I think there is something wrong with them - I caught partner eating off a pig roast at the christmas lights switch on and went berserk at him! I have found out this week that I have IBS and possible Coeliacs disease so I'm desperately trying to work out a sensible diet - brown rice, loads of salad, fruit and veg is all I can come up with, so any tips would be gratefully received. Anyway, it is home time and as I only have access to my pc during work hours, I will catch up with you all on Monday. Have good weekends.x (hopefully sick free!)

Prefernot-I think fear of other people being sick is an instinctive thing.Sickness indicates illness & I think in some primitive way,my mind is trying to protect my body from getting ill,by advoiding a possible source of infection.I suppose fear of blood is much the same.

Oh no-do I sound completely mad now?

mirage - I think there's a lot in what you say - I would see it as hypervigilance - a normal response of disgust at vomit but gone a bit haywire and excessive - i.e when you end up stressing at things most people wouldn't register.

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I don't know if I want my therapy to investigate the roots of the phobia or not. In a way, I just want to be taken out of the pit, like Aloha described, but if an investigation of how I got there is required, I can take it. I am not the weakling my GP implied I was. The truth of how I got here can hardly be worse than the truth of what "here" is like.

I find it hard to express why I fear other people vomiting so much, unless it is just that I think their bug will be passed to me. Certainly, the time my ds threw up in the back of the car after he had eaten a gone-off avocado didn't freak me out in quite the same way as it would have done if I had thought he had a bug. But it did still freak me out though. I can't go past where it happened (and I know exactly whre it happened) without remembering it, though I don't feel as much disgust and horror as I did (it happened 3.5 years ago).

One thing of interest though - now that my children are growing a bit older, I have realised that if they can be sick in the loo or, second best, in a bucket, I can cope better. So, I think part of my phobia is a horror at the mess vomit makes. Either that, or I feel it is more transmitable if it lands anywhere but in the loo... No, I am rambling disgustingly now.

As for if I think the therapy will work, sadly, no I don't, but I want to try it anyway. I feel I have to try something...

Aimsmum - that wedding scenario sounds awful. It must be so hard to go out at the best of times, but harder still without a partner who knows your inner secrets to support you. You are brave to be going. Hope it isn't as bad as you are fearing. Who knows? You might meet Mr Right!

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Just wanted to say well done Lonelymum. As has already been said, you are a hero. Please try and take comfort from the fact you are obviously a very strong woman. You sat through what must have seemed like an age in the waiting room, and then when you did get in, and were met with a largely unsympathetic ear, you stood your ground until you got what you wanted. What you did takes courage, strength, and determination. I admire you, it would have been so easy to run away.
You said that you don't expect the therapy to work, I wonder if you are trying to protect yourself incase it doesn't? (something I know I would do). I just think you should take solace in the fact you are so determined not to have this phobia ruin your life anymore, chances are you will keep going until you find something that works for you, that is it may not feel like it, but you are on the first step of the road to recovery.
Once again, well done, nic x.

Thanks Nic. I am feeling really miserable today TBH. It is as if yesterday really took it out of me. My mood wasn't helped when I left to fetch my children from school yesterday. The first person I saw as I emerged from the house was my GP collecting her son from my neighbour! I had to quickly pretend to be looking for something in my car rather than walk past her.

I think part of the reason why I feel the therapy won't work is because I am too scared to contemplate being free of the phobia. It is as if, once cured, I will have to deal with vomiting children all my life which is of course my greatest fear right now. Dh promised me that if I am "cured" he will still share the care duties with me, but I am still scared of not having the excuse to run away and be pathetic. Does that make sense to anyone?

Anyway, as I said, feeling rather drained today.

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Lonelymum, I know it's easier said than done, but try not to think about the outcome of the therapy too much? You just never know. My therapy has helped me MASSIVELY. I'm not like a 'normal' person as such but I have a much less disabling fear than I used to. I think CBT can teach you all kinds of techniques to deal with the kind of panic etc. you feel, so that as much as anything would be worth it?

I'm really sorry for being such a misery yesterday

hi LM! wrote a long post but a wriggly baby deleted it!!! so will do a truncated form

1)no wonder you feel a bit down today. you had a stressful apptment with GP yesterday, got stressed out before it - but now have a sense of anti-climax, particularly as all you can do now is wait to see the psychologist - GP hasn't really offerd you any help for the interim
2)the therapy/CBT will be ultimately helpful as it will hopefully stop you restricting your life/feeling as much anxiety - so that you are happier doing activities you would previously have avoided, won't feel as bad about your husband going away etc. the problem isn't so much that vomiting kids horrifies you - but that you take "evasive" action to avoid this horrendous possibility and that the stress of this makes your life a misery
3)don't underestimate how good an effect even a 50% improvement on your symptoms can have on your happiness levels. in my experience of CBT for handwashing it's getting the first level of noticeable improvement that was the hard bit; once I started feelng that bit better, it all sort of snowballed and things started gettting a lot better after that

best of luck

Lonelymum, sorry you are feeling so low today, just want to echo what mummytosteven said, and further add, that to get through yeterday demanded a great deal of control from you. You had to keep the lid on your feelings of panic for a really long time waiting to see the gp, and when you were in there you had to control yourself further in order to achieve your goal. Sounds like there was no letup, as you bumped into her later, and even though you cunningly avoided her it still meant you had to be "on your guard". All this controlling emotions takes a really big toll on the body, and the result is you feel exhausted, and low later on. Take heart, it is normal to feel like this after something as emotionally draining as you went through yesterday.
As with regards to the therapy, again, as Mummytosteven says, try not to think too much about the outcome, as a cured you is impossible to imagine right now. This phobia has been the pattern of your life for a long time now, and any change, even that which is for the better, will seem frightening right now.
You have made the first step, now you have time to regroup before the next one. You are doing the right thing. It will get better. hugs, nic x.

How are you lonelymum?

Yes, and where are you?

Here! Trying not to post too much as we still have no special deal with regard to how much time we can spend on the internet so every minute I am on is being charged like an ordinary phone call. I keep telling dh to do something about it as I feel I will be coming on Mumsner more and more from now on, but you know what men are like!
Feeling OK today thanks. You know how this comes and goes. Been thinking about you though Prefernot. I find it profoundly sad to think that if I met you, you would not be happy coming home for a meal or anything. Does it really extend to every eating opportunity? Could you contemplate a coffee at someone's house? Biscuit? Snack?

Ah ... there you are! Thought I might find you after checking my potty training thread!

No, I wouldn't be able to do a meal. But I can drink black coffee with 3 sugars. I usually try not to eat anything, especially if I've got a long journey back. I just get too scared I might be ill on the way. The amount of times I've wished I could drive so that would be alleviated at least.

Anyway it's nice to know you're thinking of inviting me over for tea!