Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread II?

[kokeshi]

Welcome to the thread, the purpose of this is to give anyone, who is having any trouble with their drinking, to come and post about it honestly and without judgement.

There are many of us that use the thread for support and encouragement: some in recovery, others just needing a place to share about their worries. It's been going on in one form of another for a while now and has helped many people.

Everybody's welcome, no matter what stage your drinking is at.

Jump right in, the water's fine

Daisy, I'm so sorry. I'm hoping that you're asleep now and praying that you get your cuddle tomorrow xx

Sorry bout your slip baublemonkey, I really hope you can take it as just a slip god I admire you as you have come so far.

So sorry about your Mum Daisy, didn't realise it was so bad, losing my Mum was the worst thing ever , the experience was so surreal I can not even begin to describe. So sorry for everything you and your family are going through.

I dunno Kokeshi in a way I would want to go to AA, but that would mean opening myself up. Not only admitting the full extent to my Dh, but to strangers. I find it so hard to open up to people. I'm kind of used to living in my own head, I have no idea how to talk to people anymore.

God Havalina. I identify with so much that you say on here. I was reading your messages when I was drunk on Tuesday and writing out replies and then deleting them.

I felt exactly the same about AA at first. I still to some extent - I don't share unless I have to and I keep most of my thoughts to myself. I do get something big from being there though - it's a sense of feeling normal in my compulsion to drink. I'm just like you with living in my own head and not having 'real' connections with people. The posters on this thread know me better than my own family do. In fact I feel quite confident writing on here because I'm sure I'd never be recognised even though I'm fairly open about my location and family situation.

Being lonely is horrible, but being drunk and lovely is much, much worse. Please keep posting.

"drunk and loNely" obviously

sorry about my long ramble last night

My mum made it through the night. After getting everybody around her bedside and shaking hands and saying goodbye, she decided two hours later that she wasn't ready to go after ll, and that my Dad was coming back for her on the 28th. Bless my poor sisters who have kept an all night vigil by her bedside. My big sis said that it's been an emotional rollercoaster all night. The hospice sent them home this morning as they said she has got a few days left, and they need their strength for when it does happen. I was all set to drive off up there at 6am this morning, but big sis says no desperate need to rush and she'd rather i got there in one piece.

so, just packing up the last bits now and we'll be off.

Take care xx

Prefer drunk and lovely

Daisy, what a horrendous time for you with all the other things going on at this time of year, and with a wee baby as well. You must be done in. I really can't imagine how it would feel to know my mum is so ill, but I wish you much strength, and will be sending my thoughts and prayers while you're up in our neck of the woods.

Havalina, you've hit the nail on the head. We have problems with dealing with our emotions and letting people in. We all spent too much time in our own heads analysing things and it never got us anywhere - except to the off-licence.

I know how nerve wracking it seems, but don't be put off by American TV representations of AA. I've never once stood at a lectern in front of a room full people and said 'my name is kokeshi and i'm an alcoholic'. We're a lot more reserved over here, and when you first go along, you can just sit and listen.

It's great practice actually for people who're nervous of being in company and socially anxious. All the other people in the room have been where you have been and understand totally. BaubleMonkey is right...just the feeling in an AA meeting is very powerful.

You really wouldn't believe how different I am now compared to a few years ago when I first went through the doors of AA. I was like a wee mouse, and had absolutely nothing to say. I thought I was dead boring without a drink and totally convinced people hated me on sight. What may have started as a relatively normal social anxiety for me mushroomed into a total phobia of everyone and everything. I masked it with drink and therefore didn't learn how to be sociable during my teens and early 20s.

When I reached 26/27 I was really emotionally immature because I hadn't progressed since my teens. Any problem I had, I drank through it, so was pretty lost when I had to live in the 'adult world' and deal with all the things that life throws at me. I'm getting better now, but I have to work on things on a daily basis - 'one day at a time' as they say.

One of the most important things I learned is that I have to share my feelings, to lessen the impact they have on me. That's why I go to AA and that's why I use this thread.By opening up on here, it's the first step. You're going into unchartered territory and you're being really brave. I know you feel a bit hopeless at the moment, but please stick with it and I can promise you it can get so much better.

Oh, and when describing me, no-one ever used the word 'drunk' and 'lovely' in the same sentence!

How's everyone else doing?

Daisy, I hope you're well on your way, but just to say I'll definitely pray for you over Christmas. xx

I'm just about allowing myself to feel better so I'm not moping around the kids. Keeping smacking myself over the head inside - I felt so much better before when I was managing complete abstinence, now I'm really craving again. sod.

Hi all, am annoyed with myself again as the 6 bottles of wine I bought o Tuesday for xmas has now dwindled to 1. So I have consumed 5 bottles of wine in 4 nights. Not good at all. PLUS, was up tll half one am and now have to do a 8 hour shift in a shop - it will be heaving.

I think to myself that I am having my last week of boozing. Normally drink 4 bottles over a week and my aim for next year is to drink nothing all January and then to only have 20 units a week. I realy need to sort myself out next year - I have had a difficult few years and have used booze and ad's to cope. Things are much better now so hopefully I can start to reap the rewards of my hard work over the last few years.

If I dont get chance to post before xmas, have a lovely time and thanks for all your advice over the last few months. MB

Have a wonderful time all here. No doubt I'll be struggling myself over xmas too.

Sorry to hear about everyone's blips, please don't punish yourselves. Chalk it up and start over again tomorrow.

I'm living in the abusive parents thread, as well as here and struggling in RL, so please forgive me if I don't post as much as I used to...am still about and 'controlling' it as best as I can. I've been through 2 bottles of wine tonight, my dad been in touch with dd1 and suffice to say dd2 and me have both been pinched and shouted at tonight. I really 'hate' my dad for putting me in the middle cause it makes me want to drink even more.

My best mate has invited me down to Portsmouth for new year...not got the money but I think I'll go anyways. There may be beer there, but ti's emotional respite for us all in other ways.....

Merry xmas everyone x x x

Daisy, I will light a white candle for you over the festive season, just for some healing, if that's okay?
You sound so troubled (pleasde don't take that the wrong way?)

Love Purple x

Thinking of you, Daisy xx

Hi everyone. I've had a mad day - Toys R Us first thing and then Tesco straight after . If I've forgotten anything then we'll have to go without, bollocks to that madness again.

I've been a bit mean with Xmas presents this year. DS only has 2 things - and he magically knows what they are - and my mum and nan have a box of chocolate biscuits each that were on buy one get one free. No time to backtrack and do anymore shopping though, and we really don't have the money.

EX-P dropped a bomb shell last night. He's in serious trouble at work for bullying and harrassing 2 colleagues. He's adamant that he hasn't done anything (and I believe him) but the allegations have been upheld and he's been warned that he might lose his job in the new year .

Feel so sorry for him. He's had a shit 2007, what with my drinking, his bankruptcy and now this is going to be dragged into 2008.

The temptation to drink has REALLY been there, especially after my taster earlier on this week. I'm not going to though and I am trying to support him.

I'm sure I'll post again before Christmas day but for anyone that won't be around - HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!

BM, thanks so much for being honest with us on the thread, these are the times that really test our recovery and you will reap the rewards of not lifting a drink at this time...especially with all the christmas/environmental pressures. I've found that when life has dealt me a shit hand in sobriety, my learning curve has been really steep, although I do feel quite vulnerable at the time. The most important thing I have learned is that I need never drink again. If I do, then it's all down to me and how I decide to deal with my emotions. So, well done in meeting the challenge head on, I know you'll embrace it with all you have.

PurpleOne, sorry your feeling upset about your family. I think many of us who've had problems with drink come from dysfunctional homes. I've done some extra work on this area of my life and a lot of it is down to our parents not being equipped emotionally either. I've had to step outside of myself and consider things from their point of view: What has happened to them to cause them to behave like this? It helps if I try to understand that they never had positive role models either. Essentially, I think, they're doing the best with what they have. It still hurts I know. Having compassion for them allows me to let go of the many resentments that I have against them. If I understand that they're not really in control of themselves either, I won't find myself being caught up in that cycle of self-abuse again...drinking on perceived wrong-doings and hurts. That only hurts me in the end.

Monkeybutler, don't feel angry at yourself about not being able to control your drinking when you have it around. I think if you've come to realise this, then possibly the next step for you is to admit that maybe you won't ever be able to drink in a normal way. It's soul-destroying to try to use will-power and self-control when that 'line' has been crossed, and one of the most important things I have learned is that those of us who're obsessed with controlling, counting and struggling againest alcohol are very far from normal anyway. It just takes a bit of honesty and courage to admit it to ourselves. Of course, I did try to do exactly the same thing as you, so I totally understand where you are at the moment. PLease don't take offence at what I say, I have just seen so many people in the same situation and do hope eventually they will stop being so hard on themselves and admit that it's a battle that can't be won.

There are probably quite a few lurkers reading, and I'll say the same thing to all of you. It's not shameful to admit you can't drink in a normal way. IN fact, it takes great strength of character to actually pull ourselves out of that horrible cycle of self-abuse. It is so worth it though, please don't let drink take anymore from you and your families than it has already. There's so much of life that we miss when we're in the grip of a drink problem, and I am so glad that I found AA when I did.

Hi Kokeshi. The thing about dysfunctional families is a bit of a puzzle for me. When I was drinking I was so blinkered about my family - I saw my mum as perfect and my dad as wrong and bad. I think those feelings added to the guilt I felt about being an alcoholic like he is.

I'm now getting so analytical about my mum's motives for staying with my dad that I can easily turn all the anger on to her, and see my dad as the 'victim'. But then again I know that my mum was a more responsible parent than I am. The only answer, for me, is that people are complex and I mustn't lay blame at their feet, because if I do, what conclusions will I then draw about my own behaviour and selfishness? Acceptance isn't simple though and I don't know whether to leave these things alone or delve into them and try to make sense of them.

On a more positive note, I've just been googling for driving instructors. I'm going to learn to drive in the new year - sobriety alone, isn't enough for me . EX-P is really positive about this and has said he'll buy a bike so I can have the car . I KNOW that won't happen but it will still be a big confidence boost to be able to drive...like almost everyone else can.

Hi all.

The part about dysfunctional homes hit really hard for me. I spend a lot of my child hood with no hugs and no 'I love yous'. The threat of being taken into care was a huge deal for me at home to behave myself?? WTF

I guess I over compensate with my dd's now. We can have some huge humdingers in this house, but we never go to sleep without a kiss, a hug and an I love you (even through gritted teeth lol) Me and my mum became a little closer when dd1 was born but she hated me being married.

I haven't spoken to my mum or dad for coming onto 5 months now. My dad tries to maintain a relationship with dd1 via the phone which I'm really unhappy about. Him offloading all his emotional BS onto a 12 year old kid...and for both of them to completely ignore their mother (me)
My mum hasn't spoken to either dd1 or dd2 for the same amount of time also. Every time they call up, the dd's are met with an ansa phone or listening to mum hanging up the phone on them.
All what caused this??? I asked my mum not to smoke in my home, yet she still did as I coudl smell it in the toilet. She then asked me to take her out the following day to which I said no. When I awoke in the morning, they both had walked out, chucked my front door key back at me and left a very terse short note and not heard from them since.

So suffice to say, I went on a total bender last night. Controlled drinking, yeah right LMAO. In my fit of drunkenness I awoke this morning with that horrible fear I'm sure a lot of you could recall....what the hell did I really do last night? My toe is purple and swollen, then I switch on pc and check email....yep, one to mum and dad sent at 04 37am and having a right old rant at them and wished them a 'very merry fucking christmas'.

Now I'm just waiting for my dad to call dd1 again and see what happens. My mother won't respond and I told her in this email that I hope she's happy taking all this crap to her grave...oops!

I don't know why I have to go on benders just to tell people the truth. I haven't
dared turn on my mobby from last night either..I'm sure I fired off a couple of texts to people. I'm just too scared to find out what they say! I'll be back later on x

"merry fucking christmas" - I sent that in a text on Tuesday as well

That feeling of dread when you wake up is soo familiar, and for me, the worst part of drinking. It can take hours for it all to come back to me, but I think I remember it all in the end. It's bloody depressing.

"I don't know why I have to go on benders just to tell people the truth". I think I do it because I'm lonely and I really want them to respond - the more provocative I am, the more chance that they'll be outraged enough to engage with me. Sometimes it worked, but in the longterm it just meant I had more to feel guilty about when I sobered up. It's not a nice way to live at all.

Just been tracking Santa on Google Earth so I'm sure most of you are all tucked up in bed now, Santa is now in France......

Wishing you all a merry xmas and hoping you all get the wishes and blessings you hope for in 2008....

Purple One x

I'm still up and MNing Purple. I've still got a few presents to wrap and I'm waiting... and waiting...and waiting for DS to finally go to sleep, so I don't ruin the 'magic' of Father Christmas. He's asked so many dificult questions today that I'm determined to make this the last year that he believes - he's almost 6 so I'm hoping he'll have worked it out for himself by next year.

I'm logging off soon though. Merry Christmas to all the posters and lurkers xx

Ok, that's Christmas out the way now. How did it go for everyone? Sign in and let us know...

It was utter crap, still is, and am drinking more than ever.

dd1 was called names down the phone xmas day, she was in a crap mood all day and I ended up being kicked in the chest and face. I have bruising to my breast and have a split lip.
DD1 was buried in her new DS, dd2 was on the pc and I cried into my turkey dinner.
By Boxing Day I felt more than ready to slash my wrists!

I have to do a runner New Years Eve because I won't be able to stand it in here alone. So going to attempt to get to Portsmouth and bunk down with my mate, her hubby and kid for a few days. Not sure when I'll be back, have cancelled work and kids not back to school until the 7th.

Hope everyne else is well x x

Poor old PurpleOne sounds miserable, really. Christmas can be highly overrated, can't it. Soon be a whole new year - hoping for good things, or rather, better things, for all of us.

God PurpleOne, who kicked kicked you? I hope you New Year won't be so traumatic and manage to get back on track when you return.

Thinking of you.

Hi everyone

Purple, that sounds awful So sorry you had a crap Christmas.

I don't really know what to post about what's happened here over the past few days. I just want to put it all behind me but I think it's important not to pretend that I got through it sober.

I wish it was new years day today because I'm obsessed with new starts and I feel like I really need one now, not in 3 days time.

The good bits were that I cooked a nice Christmas dinner that we all enjoyed, DS loved and appreciated the few gifts he got, I've got £160 to share between the 3 of us as a gift from my mum and nan (I really wasn't expecting that) and I'm sober now and am confident that this bender is over.

On a less positive note EX-P and I have 'decided' that we can't stand living under the same roof as one another any longer and he's looking for a new place to live. Actually, that would be a positive thing if only I didn't feel so dreadful about how that came about.

I hope everyone else had a good Christmas. Happy new year (can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned).

Well, I'm off in the morning.

The expectation of a familyless xmas and listening to dc's bickering and fighting has just about done my head in. My last New Year I had, was in LA with dp (and sober due to jetlag) and I guess this year won't even match up to that.

Just really wanted to wish everyone here a Happy New Year, and am going to hopefully, get myself back on track in the New Year. I know this all has to stop now. Weighed myself yesterday and am heaviest I have ever been (even when pg) and when I stand to the side, I look pg too!
I still have the bruising...dd1 kicked me (but that's another issue, she gets violent) I learnt to stay out of dd1's way when she's hormonal, on the warpath and had a crappy day.

Gonna go and spent a few days with my best mate and get out on the beach ny day to blow off the cobwebs and the hangover no doubt.

I hope 2008 brings all the joy and hope to everyone

raises glass to toast everyone best wishes

'chink'

x x x

Well I didn't get through it sober, but I didn't expect to really. Oh well gotta get back