Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread II?

[kokeshi]

Welcome to the thread, the purpose of this is to give anyone, who is having any trouble with their drinking, to come and post about it honestly and without judgement.

There are many of us that use the thread for support and encouragement: some in recovery, others just needing a place to share about their worries. It's been going on in one form of another for a while now and has helped many people.

Everybody's welcome, no matter what stage your drinking is at.

Jump right in, the water's fine

Hi everyone - 2 days into my lent experience!! Feel so much better already not half as anxious I was starting to feel or tired or just generally crap.

I do still have a bottle in the house that was left over from Christmas and I have been constantly drinking/replacing it.

Over the last two nights when I think about it I just try to concentrate on how good I am actually starting to feel and either us computer game (Nintendo) or reading doing some paperwork or just going to sleep early.

Purpleone I hope you are OK today.

Souvenir - how are you?

It don't get any better does it?

DD1 woke me up at 7am yelling her head off that the bucket in the kitchen has overflowed in the night.
Went down plumbing shop, they told me which nut to tighten etc, which I did. The tap is still leaking.
Called out a plumber, in the full knowledge I haven't got any money to pay them. On top of all that, I have the hangover from hell and got a letter from letting agents telling me that I'm £1035.00 in rent arrears? How the hell did that happen...and where has my rent money been going?

Sorry folks, I really can't cope with all the stress right now. Shaking like a leaf and just want to cry.

PurpleOne, that sounds crap and is the kind of thing that sends me into that 'f*ck sobriety' frame of mind. I hope you get something sorted today.

OH, in all honesty I don't have any tools for dealing with strong cravings. Looking back I've drank every time, even if I've managed to sit with the feelings for a day or 2. Eventually it ends in a binge. I've just been riding out the good days and hoping that my triggers stay away again for another day. I've been sober for 8 days now and it's been easy. Life hasn't been that easy but the urge to drink hasn't come and maybe that's because I've got back to meetings and I'm really talking through what's on my mind. I don't think that is enough long term though as I need to deal with my problems as well as talk about them.

I do use distractions to stop getting a full on craving though. Making plans and being organised is a big thing for me. I know that if I drink I'll blow it and be living in a mess again. I think that's the only thing that has worked consistently and if I get a bit lazy I feel like I'm in a danger zone.

Unhappy, well done on your first 2 days of lent

Janni, how did you do with the wine last night? Was you able to stick to your plan or did you join your DH in a glass?

Purpleone I am so sorry you having such a sh...e time of it - I hope things improve soon - big hugs.

On a completely unrelated issue can I ask you all a question I have often thought about - what if your kids were ill in the night and you were too drunk to deal with it - my dp is often away - so cant even rely on him - has this happened to anyone and do you suddenly sober up ?

That's totally the way I'm feeling right now BM. The only tools I have in place are sat on the kitchen floor.

I'm dreading tonight. Really, truly dreading it.

What with all the crap from my parents and my best mate recently, and the leak, the letter about the rent arrears and it's my birthday next week...I just want to turn around and stick 2 fingers up at the world and say 'f* it all'. Just can't be arsed anymore.

Well done everybody else!

Purpleone

I hope that tonight goes OK for you sound like a really strong person so hang on in there

HI everyone.

Hi Purpleone- I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time. Just when you think you're getting on ok with life, something always seems to happen- speaking personally, of course. I really admire you for posting when you feel crap, its something I really find hard to do. I can whinge for the County in rl, obviously.

Fancy posting on here tonight? I could be around if you want, or we could talk about music and film on Facebook or something!
That applies to everyone else too. Fancy a posting fest this evening?

BM- and OH- busy tonight ladeez? Just a thought anyway.

I'm going to a meeting tonight teasle, but I should be back by about 10.30. I'll look in and see if anyone's still about.

Purple I don't know what to suggest. It's shit when life throws something like this at you. I think you're really resourceful to have gone down to a plumbing shop and got advice though - I wouldn't have even thought of that! How did it go with the plumber? Has he been yet?

I'm having to deal with a very pissed off postman at the moment and have come on here to get away from him for a bit. It's ex-p obviously, not our local postie. He had some time off during my last relapse and told his boss that he was off for a family emergency. When he went back he wouldn't explain what the emergency was and so today he's lost half his wages. Then he's been to the bank and has been charged £30 for an unpaid DD. Then he had an interview at work for the bullying and harrassment allegations from months back. So, he's like a time bomb! I do feel sorry for him but I did want to say that I know he didn't really have the time off last week to support me, but because he was pissed off with work and used it as an excuse for a break. I won't say it though. I'm cooking him a nice dinner to cheer him up and am being very calm and rational about why he shouldn't go into work tomorrow and have a ruck with his boss. ...

This might be a bit of a long nonsensical rant, but just wanted to say a huge thankyou for your support, virtual hugs and positivity today...it really does mean an awful lot to me.

The plumber has been. He did put in an extra tap for my dishwasher bless him, but he was only here for 20 minutes...got billed for £69! I badly need to find that £69 by Tuesday.
The rent is a diff issue entirely. The letting agents made a mistake, BUT there is still £346 missing. Told them I'm refusing to pay it (the supposed arrears) I have paid it, not my fault they lost it. They also told me they will charge me £41 for late payment and interest will accrue on the arrears??? WTF? As fast as I try and stay sober and keep foccussed on the debts and staying in control, more debt is just piled on and on. I really don't know if I can take this anymore.

I doubt if I'll be able to pay the credit cards next week as have to find cash for the plumber otherwise my chq will bounce and have only just got that bank acct back to black due to overzealous charges last year. As fast as I build one thing up, another one comes hurtling down and I just can't keep on top of those things anymore. Even thinking of doing some virtual text chat work to bring in some more quids just to keep my head above water.

The only positive thing (even with the hangover) usually I procrastinate but dealt with everything today straight away instead of sitting on it.

If it weren't for those damn wonderful dd's I have, I'd have killed myself a long time ago.

How's everyone's evenings going? I'm up for a chat /rant tonight and will be here on and off. x Thanks for listening x

I think its a very positive thing that you actually went and sorted things out.

Even though things are financially difficult now, going back on the drink would only make them worse. It always has done before hasn't it?
What about being really boring and sit and do some sort of plan type thing.

Whats virtual text chat stuff about then?

I know drinking won't solve a damn thing teasle, that's why I'm busy posting here. It just seems so bloody easy to blot it all out instead of coping.

I'm being really boring tonight and making up a list of things to do tomorrow. The beds need stripping and a lot of water needs to be removed from the carpets.

Virtual texts dirty texting. It's money at the end of the day. 10p a text but you do it all via the pc--haven't got the courage to earn 19p a minute doing the chatlines on the phones. Why am I resorted to doing this? Money, and lack of it from exh in the form of maintenance or support for the dd's. My dd1 is the only nearly 13 year old who still has £3 a week from exh. As she did so well in school he's offered to raise it by 50p a week. Tight fisted *. She wanted a Nike bag last week and exh told her he would deduct it out of her pocket money? The bag was for school, so I had words with him tonight.

Men

Fifty pence? Wow. Is he stuck in the 70s?!

Good on ya for being practical, has to be done eh?

Is it a good earner, the texting thing?

hi
been lurking on this thread for a while but too scared to post

need to post now as totally screwing up my life

drink a bottle of wine a night
dont feel so bad the next day - dont need a drink when I wake BUT I do want one in the evening....

worse than that, started smoking again having given up 10 yrs ago

stress in personal life is very high but I am struggling
people in RL say how well I'm coping but they dont know how I really feel in the evenings when I hide in a bottle of wine

have been having palpitations for last 2 weeks - kidded myself it was too much coffee so cut that right down....dr says stress can cause it but dont suppose the smoking & wine is helping

keep saying TOMORROW will stop but tomorrow never comes - pathetic

Hello there and welcome to the thread. Its great that you've posted, I know its really difficult, but its a big step to acknowledge to yourself that you have a problem.
Is anything going on in your life right now thats causing the palpitations/ anxieties?

divorce & constant stress over contact/access from soon-to-be ex
plus remortgaging house (as result of divorce) by 50% to pay him off

Nice to see you here RMMP.

So much stress your under hon (((hugs)))
I was so full of guilt when I used to wake up and kept reminding myself of tomorrow--when it's really TODAY we need to think about.

I am divorced too and remember it all so very well. Please keep posting and know that your in the right place.
Do you have any RL support?

noone knows - like I said, cover it well.
well, at least I think I do - no-one has ever said anything to me.

thing is I wake up hating myself & feeling bad about what I'm doing to myself for my DCs sake...maybe thats the point - I dont care about myself - just what it would do to my family.

feel worried sick about my palpitations but hasnt stopped me tonight
worried about money too so easier to just drink away as numbs feelings doesnt it

Did you manage to tell GP how much you were drinking?

A lot of us have hidden our problems from people, I know exactly what you mean about hiding in a bottle of wine.

I told myself every morning for a long time 'I'm not going to drink today', but did. I felt trapped.

What do you feel about your drinking, do you feel you can cut down or need to stop completely? Is your drinking affecting how you function on a day to day basis?
You don't have to answer, you may have already thought about all this, but you are not alone.

didnt tell GP
I would say drinking doesnt affect daily function except for feeling a little tired in afternoon.
Can I cut down?
Think I can & then end up popping to shops on way home for the night's bottle.
Never buy in bulk as if kidding myself!

I suppose only you know if you can cut down or not.

I know lots of people who have been quite heavy drinkers who manage to cut down and control their drinking, but only you know how you feel.
Have you tried to do controlled drinking?

I'm just popping out for smokes and I'll be back.

Excellent post there teasle. I've hidden it too, and from dd's who found the bottles. Always used to tell myself 'not tonight' but usually did.Thn the guilt set it during the day and how much I'd let dd's down and start again in the evening. Same old same old. sighs

RMMP how long has it been like this..truthfully? Is it hard to talk to people? How do you feel about AA? x

drinking - prob last yr - ex left 2 yrs ago
thought about AA but as single parent would mean admiting problem to parents so they could babysit
they would be devastated & worry about me whereas they think I'm doing brilliantly on my own & so just worry as a normal parent would....I dont want to burden others in RL by making them worry about me

I did see a counsellor when ex first left & that really helped but under NHS you are restricted to a certain amount of sessions. I asked to see a counsellor again, which my GP arranged, but the counsellor said I needed longer therapy and would have to pay - cant afford that.

annoyed at how pathetic I really am to be honest which is why I drink as it numbs the pain....and I dont dream whereas I have always had vivid dreams, & if I dont drink, I wake up having had traumatic dreams which make me feel miserable

only just caught up....purpleone, I'm sorry things are going pear shaped for you lovely. Try to stay with that focussed vibe you've had going on today. My heart skipped when you said about killing yourself long ago if it wasn't for your lovely girls {{{{hugs}}}}. don't let yourself put up with those sorts of thoughts, definately not healthy. I had them before I was diagnosed with depression and I suppose it hits a nerve if anyone else voices them.

Your DDs sound like lovely gorls though

BM, hope things go well with your ex tomorrow and that you have agood meeting tonight.

Hello to RMMP. I started off here posting under another nickname, but it got too confusing so I decided to just out myself. I don't really talk about my alcohol problems on my PN thread, but hey if they've seen my name and had a look, well......

anyway, well done for having the courage to post. It takes a bit of guts. sorry things are pretty crap for you at the minute . I know all about the tomorrow thing too, but as they say, tomorrow never comes.

I had a really great day today, and have felt great after my very moderate intake this week, but DS was in a stroppy mood after school and we had to go shopping. Wanted to treat us, so went to M&S.....not a good idea on a Friday afternoon in the middle of the biggest jewish community outside of London. It was mayhem and DS played up and I got really stroppy. Then I got stuck in rush hour traffic and cars kept pulling out on me at one particular roundabout where the out of town traffic always seems to think it has the right of way for some reason, even if cars are already on the fecking roundabout (I was crossing the flow of traffic out of town). By the time I got home I was so frazzled and bad tempered that I lost it at my DS, who wouldn't get out of the car, so I got him and his sister fed and then opened the wine I had decided I was going to make last all weekend. I've hd most of the bottle, and convinced DH to get me another at the shop

I won't start that one though.

I feel so bloody disappointed in myself as I had made all those promises earlier in the week. I wish I could just stop, but I don't seem to be able to. I think I need more professional help, as the slef help obviously isn't working, but I am just so scared to talk to my GP or HV, or to have to face telling friends.

All the local meetings are in the evening as well, shich is no use as I can't get a babysitter, and even if there were day time meetings, is it the done thing to take an 8mo old baby with you to an AA meeting?

Fingers crossed we don't win this £95M on the Euro lottery tonight or I'll be dead within months from the excess.

sorry for the rant.

You probably don't want to lie to your parents RMMP, but could you tell them you are doing a night course, and then once you are on the road to recovery then maybe tell them then, when there is something less to worry about? if that makes sense.

I'm not sure if there are good reasons why AA would say this isn't a good idea....(kokeshi?), but if it means you can start to get help......

but hey, hark at me the woman who won't tell anyone (except DH) abou the extent of my problem

LardyMardyDaisy
you make a lot of sense
I too find that if things go pear-shaped by end of day, I hit the bottle too.
Then end up feeling annoyed/disappointed.

Do you think you need help from your DH or would u end up shouting if he didnt buy another bottle so he does it for easy life?

to be honest, one person in RL does know - my DP - have been seeing him for 18 mths & he is brilliant. He keeps telling me things will get better but I jsut dont see how....except moving him in here but I'm just not ready for that.
Am crying now cos I cancelled him coming over tonight & he has just txt me telling me everything will be ok...