Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread II?

[kokeshi]

Welcome to the thread, the purpose of this is to give anyone, who is having any trouble with their drinking, to come and post about it honestly and without judgement.

There are many of us that use the thread for support and encouragement: some in recovery, others just needing a place to share about their worries. It's been going on in one form of another for a while now and has helped many people.

Everybody's welcome, no matter what stage your drinking is at.

Jump right in, the water's fine

Oh paperchain! That's such a sad post... it's awful to feel there's no-one to comfort you. Just want you to know we're here and listening, if that helps at all... I think most people on this thread have been terribly down and felt very alone at times.. and know a little of how you're feeling.

And yes, it is a bit inevitable that you'll continue to drink - until you become a non-drinker, that is, if you see what I mean. I couldn't cope at ALL with occasional drinking, or cutting down on my drinks - it really had to be all or nothing: making the choice of whether/how much to drink just set me up to fail and fail and fail again.

Sending thughts your way - wish you well - hugs.

Hi Pc. Sorry this is happening. What's IS inevitable is that if you are an addict and keeping abusing, things will continue to go to shit. But, you CAN choose to do something about this. It's not at all inevitable. I am an alcoholic, but I am sober - a day at a time - because I admitted that I needed help and was willing to to try whatever was suggested. I think there has to be that point where you just bit the bullet and get to AA or rehab. You need to be honest with yourself.

Why do I feel got at by your post Kokeshi? When I know you meant well?

I have been to AA, I have been in rehab. I was sober for 3 months. (But not SH free). But I dont know how to deal with what is happening in my life without those props. I feel so bloody alone.

I wasn't getting at you PC. The truth seems harsh because it's easier to hide away in the bottle I think or use other maladaptive coping mechanisms. Real change has to come from within and will be painful, but it has to be initiated by you and you alone. If we don't make an effort to really change, we'll always go back to the same patterns of behaviour.

If you keep telling yourself you'll fail and don't give rehab or AA a chance, then it won't work for you. It's not a passive thing and we don't learn by osmosis. I will always be an alcoholic, everyday I wake up and have to deal with that. I have to put a lot effort into remaining sober and well, so I understand how difficult it is. You must be able to see that it doing nothing to enhance your life. I read your other thread and what jumped out at me was that you were sending your husband and kids away this weekend so that you could drink. Would that be a fair summary?

When I was first trying to get sober, and I was coming up with all these excuses as to why I had to keep drinking, the best thing anyone did for me was to tell me the honest truth. I'm not trying to hurt you, I've just been in your position and I know there is an answer of you really want it. You just need to let go, people will be there for you.

I wish you well

I think it might be useful for you to examine what was going on when you got drunk at 3 months? I think for any of us who've had problems dealing with our emotions we need continued and sustained support to help us deal with these. Where you talking to people about what was going on for you? This thread provides a place of safety that if things are shit, then you can just vent about it. Similarly for me, going to AA meetings and sharing helps me get rid of any stuff that's built up that I would otherwise drink on.

In AA, there is also the 12 step programme - a design for living on a daily basis - which is the next step to removing the obsessions with your drink/drugs/SH/eating/gambling (there are loads of places which use a 12 step programme of recovery now). We have a sponsor to support and guide us, and other AA members to lean on. You're never alone in AA if you need help, it's always there, freely available from people who have been in your position.

The key is to find a safe place - a professional counsellor, AA and a sponsor, an an alcohol service to be honest and start to live through your feelings instead of just blotting them out. I do realise you have other issues to deal with, but there's no reason why you can't get sober just like everyone else. I have friends in AA with all sorts of mental health problems: bipolar disorder, psychotic depression, personality disorders who have all said that those improved exponentially when they were able to deal with their drink problem. No one is unique in AA, it's all been heard and seen before.

For me, it's not the stopping drinking that's the biggest problem. It's staying stopped. Most alcoholics, will fall back into drinking if they don't put an effort into maintaining sobriety and more importantly, growing in recovery.

thaks @kokeshi believe it or not I did steps 1 - 3 already

I dont trhink I can live withotu drnk

I am a failure

Please try to forgive yourself, paperchain. Sometimes it's the hardest thing. At the moment, I am really fighting starting smoking again. I am gasping for a fag, or SOMETHING! I drank too much last night, but have only had a tin of beer (so far). My life feels horribly lacking, and I feel as though I've been thrown to the same headspace as I lived in as a teenager. It is horrible

Paperchain, you've done well staying dry for 3 months. It's not a failure to start stopping something. It's not a failure to start going to AA. Can I give you a big cyber-hug (((((((!)))))). Sometimes it's like being very very little and alone again. Not nice and very private.

thanks hellobello - I need the hug. I am v sad and lonely

I think you may have been taken through steps 1-3, which is a bit different to actually surrendering to them. It all hinges on whether you really do want to stop drinking. Otherwise it's just a pile of words and a waste of time. You can live without drink. You just have to want to, and be willing to carry on. There are 12 steps for that very reason, just doing step 1-3 is only the very beginning. It says in AA Chapter 5: How it works.

"RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us" etc.

It's up to each of us, the alcoholic to be completely honest. Daunting I know.

bloody daunting - too big for me. I will neve rbe able to do it. I am sucha weakling

OK then. I hope you work something out.

how tho?

Thats up to you, PC. I don't mean to sound uncaring- I've been there. Its about honesty and choice isn't it?
Reading back through Kokeshi's posts she gives some really good advice and suggestions- but I suppose you have to be in the place where you can see them- I know I wasn't for years. Noone can affect any change for you, unfortunately. X

Interesting article about someone's inability to realise they had a problem with alcohol - worth reading although it's a man not a woman.
www.lawgazette.co.uk/features/view=feature.law?FEATUREID=378233

Interesting article Xenia, thanks for that.

A very interesting article there Xenia, thankyou.
The one thing that struck out for me was the refusal to admit the alcoholic thing. I still refuse to admit it, and that was the only thing I hated about AA.
I also find it fascinating that most of the people on this thread are women. It is nice to read / hear about a womans perspective.
Smaller livers, smaller build and statures..easier to get pissed maybe?

I am proud to say that I had 2 beers in the week and have only had 2 beers tonight. DD1 really isn't well and really need to be 'compous mentis' for her and secondly I'm absolutely shattered from swimming 46 lengths in the pool today and gave my newly purchased step machine a good hammering. 450 steps in 15 mins?

I'm sorry, it's late and I'm rambling....but I'm not pissed either and to me that's a bloody achievement NOT to be pissed on a Saturday night!

Hope everyone else is well? x x (((hugs to group))) x x

Hope you are all well, sorry to hear your having a hard time paperchain. Hopefully the people on here help, even a little.

Sorry but was just wondering if there is a completely non-religious version of AA? I know that people say that the higher power doesn't need to be God etc. But my sis is having a hard time and has a bee in her bonnet about God at the the moment (she won't accept anything even resembling a higher power). Are there any support groups for alcoholics that basically assert that it is down to the individual?
Or failing that don't involve any higher powers , master plans etc??

Hi Havalina...

Hmm my issue exactly, spot on.

'I am not an alcoholic and I don't belive in higher power'.
Let me sleep and I'll post back on that tomorrow.

God? He hasn't saved me in 34 years of my life...he won't be doing it now!
Which is why I converted to Pagan / Wiccan when I was in my 30's. I'll explain more on that tomorrow..

Sleep well x x

Thanks purpleone

What do you think defines an alcoholic PurpleOne that doesn't apply to you? Not being confrontational, just interested in how people see it. It's just a word after all, but I understand the trouble people have with it.

Havalina, AA isn't religious it's spiritual. Many people these days have issues with organised religion (me included) and their dogma, but still gets loads from AA. It's not a requirement that you do any of the stuff that's suggested but most people, once they have given AA a fair shot and attend regularly, see it as a natural progression to go forward and do the 12 step programme.

I do think it's really important that each person goes long for themselves - for a decent period - to see what it's really about before forming opinions about it or deciding it's not for them. Likewise, much of the stuff I didn't understand at the beginning is very much more apparent to me now. I was a reluctant attendee for a long time. It grew on me though, because I knew my own way wasn't working.

What would be your ideal support group then and how would it work? (re your points about masterplans and god).

My mother was an alocholic. She gave up drink on my wedding day and never drank again for the rest of her life. She didn't go to any support groups. Obviously they do suit a lot of people but they are not the only way to deal with alcoholism. My father a psychiatrist treated alcoholics for years too. There are other routes than AA if it's not for you.

My dp has been in recovery for 15 yrs and is spiritual but non religious and AA really helped him.If you think you have a problem with alcohol and it is impacting your life then you are probably an alcoholic.It has little to do with the stereotypical drunk all day loser and more to do with why you drink what it does to you and why it has led you to a discussion like this one which would be of no interest to your average social drinker.

I did have trouble defining myself as an alcoholic at first. The reason for that was that I couldn't continue to drink guilt-free if I was an alcoholic. I don't think a non-alcoholic would have been thinking like that.

I know the higher power aspect of AA raises issues for a lot of people. I can understand that, although it didn't put me off because I was raised with beliefs and find the idea that there is something more powerful than me to be comforting. I'm still working on defining my higher power and my idea of God doesn't match everyone elses. I try to respect other peoples beliefs at AA and I keep an open mind about my own. I haven't started on the steps yet so I haven't had to explore the issue. For me, being in an environment where I hear people talk about the same challenges and struggles that I have is what keeps me going back.

Hi Havalina. I don't know of anything else that's like AA. The NHS have good services but I don't know much about them as I didn't use them. Lots of people use them and then some of them continue their recovery in AA. What has your sister tried already?

Hi BM
I know some people bang on about god in AA, but lots don't. I struggle with any concept of a higher power, but you are right, because like everything its about your own interpretation. One woman told me that a spice girls song had been her higher power at one point! Like I say, I don't understand the concept really. I know that if someone had gone on about god at my very first meeting, I would have been a bit put off.
Like you, what I do get from going to meetings is talking with other recovering alcoholics, because thay understand exactly what I'm going through. All meetings are different anyway.

Like any organisation, AA is flawed- its full of alcoholics for fucks sake! You get your liberals, hardliners, politicals etc like anywhere. I agree you don't have to go down the AA route at all, and I know people who havn't and remain happily sober. Personally though, I'm getting a lot from it, and from talking to others there, but everyones recovery is different isn't it?

Its finding out what works for you I suppos, and thats the hard bit isn't it?

How is everyone today?.

Hi Teasle